Koroba and Tudino said the same thing: "You have to talk to her."
Tallia used exactly the same words.
- "You have to talk to her, Cook. Poor thing."
Langoret had a slightly different take on matters.
- "You should speak to General Leydz." she suggested.
That wasn't a bad idea.
- "This is ... unprecedented." said the Penchen General. "I have never heard of one of our people entering the Change for ... someone of a different species."
- "Will this cause any difficulties for Captain Isaal?" I asked. "Will it affect her standing with the King, or within the army?"
General Leydz was a decent person, as he/she/it showed in that moment.
- "I wish that I knew, General Cook. For myself, I think that she is blameless in this matter. Who among us has
chosen
their change?"
That was an insight into Penchen sexuality that I hadn't expected. It certainly wasn't mentioned in the Sleepread lectures I'd absorbed.
"But I cannot speak for the High Command. Or for the King, obviously."
- "Do you intend to change Isaal's assignment?" I asked.
Leydz looked me in the eye. "Would Isaal's presence make you uncomfortable?"
- "I don't think so. No."
- "Then no, Sir. I won't change Captain Isaal's assignment. Not unless you order me to."
I offered Leydz my hand. "Thank you."
***
Isaal and Senau shared a tent, on the edge of the Penchen quarter of our camp, closest to my quarters. As tents go, it was considerably more spacious and more luxurious than the little pup tent Themis and I had shared at Tonol.
You can't knock on a tent flap, obviously, so I coughed loudly to announce my presence.
There was no indication that Isaal had heard me, or that she was even inside. I coughed again, waited a moment, and then lifted the tent flap.
Isaal was there. Her long hair hung in disorderly strands about her face. Her eyes were ... fixed on a distant point, as if she was staring through the fabric of the tent, at some sight a hundred yards away. Or even a thousand.
She hadn't heard me. The sudden motion, though, startled her. She blinked, and looked my way.
- "Oh!" Isaal turned her back on me, and quickly fumbled with her hair, gathering the loose strands and tying them into a proper Penchen queue.
- "May I ... come in?" I asked - in Penchen.
- "Yes, General. Of course you can come in."
Her voice was different. That was immediately evident. Isaal's cadence, the pace of her speech, hadn't changed ... but the pitch was different, and she sounded ... breathier, somehow. It came as a shock to me.
I knew that Isaal (the Isaal that I knew) was going to be different. I just hadn't expected the difference to be so obvious - and so immediate.
And then she turned to face me.
It wasn't a single feature that leapt out at me. Her hair was unchanged. Isaal's eyes looked at me - same as ever. Same up tilted nose - though maybe it was a little smaller.
But her eyebrows seemed higher, and more arched. Longer eyelashes. Her lips were a little more curved. Her cheeks were rounder.
If I concentrated on any one of those features, I rapidly grew confused. But the overall difference was obvious: Isaal was female.
I don't know what I'd been expecting: a cross-dresser? A transsexual in transition? Isaal didn't look like a man trying to look like a woman. Isaal was a she.
- "May I sit ...?"
- "Please."
I sat down, cross-legged.
- "Isaal ..." I began. I knew what I wanted to say, but it was difficult to organize my thoughts, with this familiar and yet completely strange person opposite me.
- "I'm sorry." she said.
- "
Pardon
?" Of all the things she might have said, I wasn't expecting that. "Why would
you
be sorry?"
- "I'm sorry if I've caused you any embarrassment. That was not my intent."
- "You didn't
intend
any of this." I said. "I didn't know until now that the Change happens whether you like it or not, but General Leydz explained it to me."
- "You spoke to General Leydz?"
- "Yes. There's no plan to send you home ... to re-assign you, or to change anything, really. Unless you want us to."
- "That was very kind of you. And of General Leydz."
- "Isaal ... if you were uncomfortable, or ... embarrassed, I would understand. I know that you wouldn't resign, or desert. You could have asked for a transfer, for another assignment - only ... you didn't. That makes me hope that you still want to work with me. With us."
- "Hope?" I couldn't read her facial expression. Serious. Concerned, obviously. But I didn't see any shame or ... I don't know what I was expecting.
- "I'm sorry. I don't - I don't mean to offend you. I liked having you as my liaison. I like you, Isaal. I enjoy your company. You have good instincts, and common sense to spare."
"Besides, if you leave ... I'll be stuck with Senau."
I heard Isaal take a breath. Then she laughed. It was most definitely Isaal, but it was also a sound I'd never heard before.
- "That would be a terrible fate." she said.
- "Isaal ... I learned a great deal in Cercen. The war - it'll begin in the spring. They're coming. I need ... your skills. Your expertise. Do you think ... that we could continue to work together?"
- "Would I not create problems for you, General? Or for ... Tallia? She's been very kind, and understanding. Not many Westrons are so comfortable, dealing with Penchens."
- "Jealousy is not one of Tallia's failings." I said.
- "Perhaps. But Colonel Tudino also has strong feelings for you. As does Koroba."
- "Neither of them want you to leave."
- "And Tallia's sister has borne you a child."
- "You're very well informed." I said. "Isaal - please don't take this the wrong way, but ... you seem remarkably composed. I thought you might be more ..."
- "Emotional? Embarrassed? I've been through those stages. I've had weeks to become accustomed to what was happening to me. And I've come to terms with my Change."
"It is what it is."
It is what it is
. Not fatalism. Not passivity. But acceptance of something you can't change. I shouldn't have been surprised that Isaal was wise as well as intelligent.
***
It is what it is.
Isaal came back to work. Tallia hugged her, and welcomed her back. Koroba and Nasta were very kind. Madze didn't say anything; neither did Ishana, but it was hard for her to keep the look of mild disgust off her face.
Senau said nothing. It was a shame that he was such a cold fish; Isaal could have used some support. If he'd been a little warmer, even a little friendlier, I could have asked him for an impartial description of what Isaal was going through.
Langoret treated Isaal no differently than before. Most of the Colonels were pretty classy about the situation, except for Avette, who just ... disapproved. She didn't say anything, but the expression on her face spoke volumes.
The biggest asshole, of course, was ... me.
It wasn't homophobia, exactly; I just wasn't ready for someone who hadn't been female until very recently to be ... in love with me. So much so, that her entire body had transformed itself, so that ...
It's very flattering, when someone falls in love with you. That doesn't mean that you automatically and immediately fall in love with them. This was different, though.
Very
different.
I stole a glance, now and then, when I didn't think she was looking. The changes were there to see - it wasn't just her face, and her voice. She had hips, suddenly. And a backside that was different from before (not that I'd been checking out her/his ass before then).
There was no question, too, that her shirt swelled noticeably in the front. I wasn't an asshole because I noticed the changes in Isaal.
I was an asshole because I paid extra attention to Tallia, and made love to her twice in one night - not our normal routine.
