tweak-a-knocker
SCIENCE FICTION FANTASY

Tweak A Knocker

Tweak A Knocker

by bmfwaic
8 min read
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adultfiction

This is a repost of an older story that has been re-edited.

*****

"Davy, who is coming up the road?"

"I am not sure. It doesn't look like he is from around here."

"If he is selling something, get rid of him quickly."

"Yes dear." I tried to say that without seeming like a smart ass.

I watched from the porch as he wandered toward the house. He wasn't walking directly in that direction; it was more as if he was meandering to get here. He was carrying a briefcase, a clipboard, and what looked like a metal detector. He stumbled twice and had a hard time keeping control of his things. I couldn't help smiling a little.

He was about fifty feet away when he looked up and noticed me sitting there. I was on my large overstuffed leather recliner; an odd piece of furniture to be on a porch, but I preferred it to some hard, wooden rocker.

He waved in my direction, the best he could with his hands full. I could see his lips moving, so I knew that he was saying something, but I couldn't make it out. I just smiled and waved back as he walked closer.

"Good morning. My name is Rayborne Welles. Do you mind if I sit a spell?"

I smiled and nodded again. He looked to be about thirty years old but he had already started to get a few gray hairs around his temples. There was an imitation Berber cap plunked square in the middle of his head which confirmed my first impression; he was not local.

"Where are you from Mister Welles? What brings you to Dowgas?"

He took a short breath to recover from the climb to the house. "I am from the Massachusetts Mythological Society in Reading, Massachusetts." That short sentence seemed to wear him out momentarily.

That was a new one for me. Over the past few years, we have had several people poking around, but this was the first from Massachusetts. I tried not to let him see me snicker.

"Joy. Bring this poor man a little cool water, would you Hon?"

Rayborne Welles gave me a small smile to let me know that the offer was appreciated.

"And as to the second part of my inquiry, Mister Welles?"

"Well, there have been some very strong reports of a 'Knocker' in this area. The information that we got was strong enough to support a trip to check it out."

I sat quietly as Mister Welles took the glass of water from my wife and gulped it down like a man lost in the desert. He let out a contented sigh and handed the glass back to her. Joy gave me a little wink before going back into the stone carriage house.

"Where did this information come from, if I may ask?"

"There are several mythological organizations in and around Cornwall. They are quite active in these areas. Normally we ignore isolated reports, but we have been getting far too many from here to let this one slide."

"What do you mean this area?"

"Around the tin mine. The Dowgas Mine to be exact. This has been reported to be the strongest and most concentrated area for Knockers in the entire Cornwall area."

"Are you sure you are not getting confused with the radon reports?"

"Tell me, Mister Welles. How will be able to tell if you found one of these Knockers and how come no one has ever found one before?"

"Well, they are considered to be clever creatures. We have a list of characteristics to look for, but we are not certain how accurate they are."

"Okay, now why don't you describe one to me and I'll let you know if I have seen any?"

"This is all conjecture, mind you. Nobody knows anything for sure; yet."

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"As I said, they are quite clever, but they are also a little on the grotesque side."

"Are you sure you aren't talking about a Leprechaun?"

"Heavens no, man. Leprechauns are in Ireland. This is Cornwall. There are no Leprechauns in Cornwall."

"Well, I know that there are Fairies and Pixies here. Maybe you are looking for one of them?"

"No. Fairies and Pixies are cute little beings. Knockers are gnarly and scary."

"Have you ever seen a Fairy or a Pixie, Mister Welles?"

"No, but that is not my area. I am looking for a Knocker."

"I see. Well, go on. I am sorry that I interrupted."

"Okay, well, first of all, Knockers all have one leg shorter than the other. They have learned to adjust the way that they stand so that it is not noticeable, but a man who knows what he is looking for will be able to detect it. They usually walk with a cane, but they are very nonchalant about it so that it appears as if they don't need it."

"Do they need it?"

"Yes, but not from the shorter leg. They also have a slight back problem. The cane helps to compensate for that.'

"I assume that is from spending a lot of time in the mines?"

"Yes, but they cover it up by telling people that it was from a motorcycle accident."

"Do Leprechauns have motorcycles?"

"No! Pay attention. Leprechauns are Irish. There are no Leprechauns here."

"Okay. Sorry, but I just had a hard time understanding how a mythical creature can get a hold of a motorcycle."

"It's not real. It is a lie. Knockers are the world's greatest storytellers. They have a way with words and can convince people of anything. Some of the world's most wonderful stories were written by Knockers."

"Really?"

"Edgar Alan Poe was a Knocker, but it was never proven."

"What else should I look for?'

"Hair. They are very hairy, or at least they like to look hairy."

"Well, I am glad that I am clean-shaven and closely cropped. No one will take me for one of those buggers."

"They have large mustaches and hairy eyebrows. Sometimes they tie their hair back into a ponytail or knot in the back."

"Is Willie Nelson a Knocker?"

"No. Willie Nelson is not a Knocker, but we are checking into Amy Winehouse."

"There are girl Knockers?"

"We are not sure. It just looked like an interesting investigation."

"Anything else?"

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"They have squinty little eyes. We assume it is from spending too much time underground, but we are not sure. Reports seem to indicate that their eyes hurt them."

"Who the hell is gathering all of this information?"

"Locals. Some people devote their entire lives to these studies."

"You would think that they would have better things to do?"

"Mythology is important. We need to understand these things."

"Why?"

He seemed a little exasperated with my comment but continued.

"Do you have any questions?"

"Let me get this straight. You are here to find a Knocker. Knockers are ugly little hairy critters who walk with a limp and have squinty eyes."

"Oh no. They are not little. As I understand it Knockers are the same size as normal people, and they are not particularly ugly. They are just unusual. It fact, it is said that they are quite attractive to the opposite sex, for some strange reason. I think they use magic to lure females and seduce them."

"Oh, I see. And what function does the metal detector serve?"

"This is not a regular metal detector. It has been modified to seek out Knockers."

"Is that why you are here?"

"I thought that is was worth a try, but unfortunately the proximity of the Dowgas tin mine has screwed up the workings. I am afraid the damn thing is proving to be worthless."

"How exactly was it supposed to work?"

"Well, do you see how this meter is jumping around?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it is supposed to do that when it finds a Knocker. Right now the tin mine residue has everything screwed up."

"So, it is not working?"

"No. It looks like I am going to have to wander up towards Coombe. I understand there might be a Knocker in that area."

"Do you need another drink before you go?"

"No. I am fine. Just a little disappointed."

I watched as Rayborne Welles walked further up the hill towards Coombe with a smile on my face.

"Well, Davy. I can see why you shaved and cut your hair. You knew that bugger was coming didn't you?" Joy was standing beside my chair grinning.

"Of course, darling. I'll have plenty of time to grow it back."

"How come he didn't believe the motorcycle story?"

"I don't know. I guess I will have to dream up something else."

"Well, supper is almost ready. How the hell are you going to get that damn recliner back in the house by yourself?"

"I'll get the pixies to help. They owe me a favor anyhow."

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