48

Chapter 46

"So, why aren't you healing yourself already?" Sati was putting on a bored, dismissive air, which I'd learned that she used to hide anxiety or nerves of any kind. It was a reflexive facade she'd developed to prevent her rivals from knowing when she cared about something, so I was oddly flattered, rather than annoyed.

"Reforging my entire spirit is an intense undertaking," I explained again. "The best possible results come when the largest possible amount of will is brought to bear, both without and within."

"I know that!" The apsara snapped the words out, and I could hear the tension, and some genuine fear in her voice. "I just don't see why you need us to bully you. Isn't the domain supposed to make your control perfect? Can't you just forge as much anima as you want, as strong as you want?"

"That's a good question." I smiled at her, and she scoffed, turning away to hide her gratified look. "Unfortunately it doesn't work well like that, I tried." My mouth twisted in annoyance at the memory. "I was able to make the clarity, size, and shape of the anima perfectly. But the strength, the density of the anima is still limited by my own will. Without someone to oppose me. My anima would only ever be half as strong as it could be."

"Myta can handle that then! You know what...! You know that you can trust her."

Sati's real source of worry crystallized for me in a single aborted sentence, and I felt a wave of shame hit me.

"Yes I know what is liable to happen. And I'm sorry that I didn't consider how uncomfortable a position it might put you in, I'm sorry, little flower. You don't need to do it, I will make do."

"That's not... not what I meant, exactly." The apsara's voice was conflicted. "You were so angry last time. I just don't want to upset you again."

"I was upset, because you influenced me in a way that I didn't understand. That you did it without my knowledge or permission." I sighed. "I cannot absolutely guarantee that I won't be distressed, emotions can be fickle things, but I am asking with full knowledge this time, and I certainly won't hold you responsible if I lose control because of something I asked you to do." I looked at Myta with a raised brow, and she nodded in assent to my silent question.

"I understand if you still don't want to do this," I continued. "But Myta will be there to take the brunt of my desires if it's needed. Again, you can say no, and I'll give you some space to think about it."

"It's fine."

I had turned to leave the tent already, when Sati's quiet words brought me up short.

"Are you sure you don't want to take a day to think about it?" I searched her face, and as much of her emotions as I could read, for hints of reluctance. I could tell that she was nervous, yes, but it was leavened by hints of excitement.

"I'm sure." Her words were firmer this time, and I thought I detected an undercurrent of hope? I realized then how deeply she must have associated her compulsion of lust with broken relationships. Her father had hammered that point home, though it had been a side effect of trying to distance her from the unawakened. If I could still trust her after succumbing to her power, perhaps she saw it as a sign that others could as well.

"We'll start with my heart," I said, and then continued quickly when I felt Sati about to object again. "I know working on the heart node first is dangerous, but that is where the damage radiated from. If this doesn't work it won't matter if the failure is at my heart or my root. But if it does work, beginning with my heart will better stabilize me.

"Just remember, both of you, if something goes wrong you might still have a chance. I'm not certain it will work, but if you can redirect your bonds to one another..."

"No, master." Myta's reply was soft, but it brooked no argument. "You will focus on success, there is no other option."

I couldn't tell if she was refusing to acknowledge any possibility of my failure herself, or she just didn't want me to dwell on the possibility. Either way I nodded my acceptance. If I failed, I would be dead, and they would need to fend for themselves if they could. It brought a sense of simple clarity. I needed to succeed. If I didn't, then anything else would be beyond my control.

I looked at my two vas with clear eyes, taking in their very different, but precious forms. I'd felt more alive, more connected to the world over these past few months, than I had for decades previous. Myta was responsible for that, and Sati had continued the trend. I was tired of being alone, living in fear, and strangling my dreams. Living was about much more than survival. I wanted, needed, to pursue my own joy.

That joy was in healing the broken, raising up those that life had cast down, and defying the petty hatreds that defined so much of our lives. I wanted to stop defining myself by what I was against, and instead live for my new family.

I smiled at my lovers, and whatever was in my eyes caused Sati to burst into tears. Myta just smiled back at me, stepping into my embrace, and pulling the apsara with her.

"Well, if we're all in agreement after all, then there's no reason to delay." My own eyes were suspiciously clouded, but my resolve was stronger than it had ever been. "We have only a week left until reaching Clan Ket territory, and the area you worked out with Siobhan is right on the border?"

I waited for Myta's nod before continuing "We could be encountering the enemy within a week, and that's assuming that they don't attack us before we locate them. That's a day per node, and I'm not sure I'll be able to handle even that pace. I expect the pain to be intense."

My vas both nodded, though I could tell that Myta wasn't that concerned. They had both responded rather differently to my work on their spirits. Sati, at least, understood what an ordeal this sort of thing normally was. I wasn't about to expect that my experience would be any easier than I was accustomed to.

Our presences spooled out and blended easily. Another week of practice had made manifesting our domain, if not second nature, then at least familiar. I'd focused much harder on training our ability to maintain the domain after it was made manifest. If our control faltered partway through, then my death wasn't a possibility, it became a certainty.

I manifested a slightly larger domain this time, large enough to cover all of us laying on bedrolls side by side, which we did. Myta and Sati lay to either side of me, disrupting their normal pattern of laying next to each other. It didn't really matter how we were arranged physically, but the thought was important when performing a difficult or complex working.

I took a moment to clearly form my intent. This was the hardest and most essential part of the working. If my intent wavered then our efforts would fall apart, and perhaps I would fall apart as well. First I pictured my spirit body as it currently was, cracks and all. I needed to maintain all the portions of my spirit that we weren't currently working on intact, while keeping control of my internal mana, even as a portion of my anima dissolved.

Outside of our domain, such a feat would be impossible. Even working inward from the root or crown nodes, completely dissolving that much of a sorcerer's anima would spill out their internal mana like a dismembered limb gushing blood. Carefully splitting and stretching the nodes and meridians, as I'd helped Myta to do, was the only way I had known to expand the spirit. That method left most of one's anima intact, ready to be fused back together again.

According to common knowledge, just reforging my spirit in the way I was about to attempt was tantamount to suicide. But I wanted to push things yet further. Sati's offhand observation about the flows of mana between us, and my subsequent experiments, had convinced me that paired meridians were vastly more efficient and effective than the singular links that my spirit body currently used. So I had drawn dozens of diagrams, attempting to reimagine my spirit with that in mind.

I could alter my minor meridians later, even without Myta and Sati to help. But at a minimum this session I would need to remake my heart node, the trunk meridians leading to my core and throat, and the connections to those nodes as well. That meant that the first session would be the hardest, but I couldn't risk leaving my most damaged node for later.

I set the image of my spirit's current configuration in my mind, including the way my mana was currently flowing. The domain would protect and sustain me, it had to, or the next step would be my last. Focusing my mind and steeling myself for the pain, I began dissolving the anima around one of the cracks in my heart node.

Outside of our domain I would have needed to wear away at my anima with my sorcery, throwing spells at my own spirit, or carving myself up with my lancet. Anima, even if it was your own anima, strongly resisted change and dissolution. Within our domain however, just my intention was enough. To my surprise, there was no pain, but I almost wished that there had been. it would have distracted me from a sensation that was so much worse.

As I began to dissolve my anima, it felt as though I were peeling off my own skin, leaving the nerves beneath exposed to the air. It was a sense of wrongness so profound that I had a moment of utter dissociation. And for just that moment I seriously considered just cracking my heart open. Letting the pain chase away that feeling of unclean exposure. Then Sati and Myta pulled my attention, their concern crashing over me, and distracting me until the impulse passed.

Shuddering, at least figuratively, I paused long enough to firm up my resolve. Then I began the process again. It took everything I had to peel back my heart node, and then dissolve the connecting meridians. Every moment felt like I was imagining pulling out my own fingernails, in detail. It didn't hurt at all, but I wished that it did.

After an eternity of that mental torture, my spirit was segmented into two distinct halves. The seal spun where my heart node had been, my mana churning and flowing as though my spirit was still intact, I swallowed bile, my reaction similar to the first time I had operated on an open gut wound. The fact that these were my own spiritual entrails was not lost on me.

Not wanting to spend any more time like this than I needed to, I set my mind to altering how my 'internal' mana was flowing. Despite my missing anima, the distinction was clear. All of the mana was my mana, but some of it was intrinsically part of my being. I set the vortex of mana spinning faster, more forcefully, splitting the flows that would form my trunk meridians into two opposing flows. Complimentary flows? One side flowed downwards, toward my lower nodes and eventually my root. The other flowed up, in the direction of my crown.

Once my main flows were correctly formed, I began pushing my mana outward, expanding the size of the vortex and streams.

Chapter 47

My vas needed no instruction to know when to push back against me. The domain belonged to all of us, and so they could sense what was happening within it as clearly as I. Not to mention that I had discussed my plans with them beforehand. In some ways, this was similar to the process we had used to awaken the company, and what we had done when expanding Myta's spirit. I gathered every scrap of mana that I could around my heart node, around where my heart node should be, and I began to push it outward.

I thought that this would be more difficult while I was circulating my mana at the same time. Instead it was easier. My mana leapt to answer my call, and increasing the outward pressure was not a matter of holding it static and firm, but harnessing its flow. Where normally this kind of effort was like lifting a heavy weight, now it was more akin to running downhill. The effort was less in the doing, and more about maintaining control.

When Myta and Sati pressed against me, it was a soft resistance at first. The feeling of hammering my fist into a pile of sand, which brought its own memories. With perfect coordination they gathered up their presence around me, and tried to contain my mana, to smother my will. But my mana was too dense, the force too great, and I drove them back farther than I had predicted.

It wasn't just my vas who were deeply connected. I could feel their minds and emotions more clearly than ever before. Myta was reluctant to oppose me, while Sati was afraid to anger me. Neither were giving their all to pressuring me, and I needed them to.

I knew what would motivate them. Sati might have been infected by hubris, but it was only able to affect her because she was already proud. She was the daughter of a god, who had survived his treacherous court and debilitating 'lessons'. Was this all she was capable of? I knew that it wasn't. My taunting thought was enough for her to redouble her efforts.

As for Myta, I'd actually had this conversation with her before. She'd never been shy about contradicting or defying me when she was certain that I was wrong. Well now she was allowing her lack of resolve to weaken me. If she couldn't oppose me with all her will, her failure to do so would weaken me, likely permanently. I felt her absolute rejection of the idea as a nearly physical force. My flame refused to fail me.

Sati's pride and Myta's defiance crystallized into a unified intent, and they drew up a swelling wave of mana to crash against me like a tsunami. I wondered for just a moment if I had pushed them too far, and I was about to regret my own hubris. But then I reminded myself of my goal. I needed to be able to weather any storm, climb any peak, to protect and heal my new family. My strength was their strength, as their strength was mine, and together we would become unassailable.

My vas crashed into me like the blow of a hammer, and I met them force for force. The 'sand' compacted, mana condensing and hardening into a thin sliver of anima. It was a fraction of what I needed, eggshell-thin, but I felt its formation resonate through my entire being. Like putting a bandage over an open wound, I felt that sliver of anima ease the intense discomfort of exposure, though the slight relief only made me more aware of how much farther we needed to go.

Again we clashed, in perfect parallel, hammering a new layer of anima at the edge of the last. Expanding the eggshell one sliver at a time. We rapidly found a rhythm together, forging the shape of my new heart node, and the meridians meant to join it to my spirit. The anima wasn't the same as my old anima. Not only was it vastly denser, but the outside of it carried a patina of my vas' aspects layered over my own. In an earlier time that would have terrified me. It would have been a sign of spiritual corruption, but now it just felt correct.

We forged the outline of my new heart, and welded it into place with my existing anima as best we could. It's settling into place brought me a sense of relief I couldn't even begin to describe. A relief so deep that it threatened to steal my awareness, or cause me to collapse in tears. But our work was far from complete. The outline of my new heart node was done, and that thin shell of anima was vastly stronger than what it was replacing, even before my spirit was damaged. However, I still had plenty of mana to spare.

Over the next several hours we continued to work, layering the anima thicker to reinforce my spirit. The thicker and denser my anima was, the more mana I would produce. The more mana I produced, the faster the rest of my spirit could be reforged. If we were through enough, then the main limitation on my progress would be my ability to endure the process.

When my mana was exhausted, and my mind ached from the strain we finally stopped the work. Myta and Sati were in better shape, as they had been using presence, rather than internal mana. Even so we were all worn and tired. Sati was in the best shape of us all, and her presence dominated our domain, curling around all of us as a warm mist that caressed our skin.

I twirled my fingers in the air, stirring the fog, and feeling it spool around my fingers like soft yarn Curiously I played with it, testing how much it would resist my motions. The more I toyed, the more solid it seemed to get, and I pulled against it as I was so fond of soing with Myta's hair.

Sati made a noise deep in her throat and stretched, arching her back languorously. Curious, I tugged again, and this time she made a noise that was almost a protest. It was higher pitched, somewhere between a grunt, a whine, and a moan.

"Interesting." I could feel the intention in the mana, it was clear and bright, and pulsing with lust. But for all of that, it was unfocused, clinging to the apsara like lightning building in a cloud, waiting for an easy path to guide its strike. Knowing how runes worked made the situation obvious. King Ramana's daughters were viewed as highly desirable, sexual women, of such unsurpassed beauty that they could drive men to madness with desire. This widespread belief was carried into the Radiant Sea. Whenever Sati drew on her mana, it carried some of that belief as intention, and risked making it reality.

"Your aura of lust won't touch us in our domain, little flower. Not unless we want it to." I grinned. "But we planned for it, talked about it. And you were so stressed over the matter that it feels like a shame not to take advantage of the opportunity."

Sati had a conflicted expression on her face, half-excited and half-afraid, but Myta cleared her throat pointedly.

"Perhaps we could explore that another time, master? When we are less exhausted, and more in control."

"You're right, of course." I shook my head at my own foolishness. "Making decisions while impaired is never a good idea, and rarely leads to good outcomes."

I let my gaze linger on the apsara, who again looked torn. This time she hung between relief and disappointment.

"Don't worry," I said to her. "This isn't a 'never' it's a 'not right now'. I won't let go of an opportunity like this so easily."

Ducking her head and blushing, the former princess rolled away from me, but then shifted backward until her back was pressed against my arm. I lifted my arm up and out from between us, and she accepted it as a pillow as I slid it beneath her head. Myta rolled towards me, laying on my other shoulder, and leaving me pinned on my back between my two vas.

My flame looked at me with a questioning gaze, worried that she had overstepped, but I just smiled at her warmly. I let our domain slip away, pushing the imposed aura of lust with it. She had stopped me making a rash decision, and I wondered if that might be the first time I'd avoided such recklessness when the Radiant Sea was involved. Even if it wasn't, I was grateful. I'd been doing far too much rushing into things lately, and I hadn't lied to Sati. There was no reason we couldn't experiment later, and I had every intention of doing so if she was willing.

Myta made a pleased noise, trying to press herself closer to me, and throwing her leg over my thighs. Her minor anxiety faded into deep contentment, and I wrapped my arm up around her back to squeeze her close. Our bond had been restored, and as I'd suspected it was stronger than ever. I knew her thoughts and feelings as though they were my own, and that filled both of us with a deep, warm contentment. It was as though I'd had a missing limb restored to me.

Idly she traced patterns on my chest with her fingertips, both of us reveling in the casual contact. I kissed the top of her head, and she pressed up into it, a small smile on her lips. I was far from healed, and we had barely begun our work in Metic, but in that moment life felt perfect.