John stood by the door as the girls filed out of the Briefing Room, giving each of them a goodnight kiss before they went to bed. Alyssa waited until last, then she slid her arms around him and pressed her lips to his, a sultry invitation in that intimate kiss.
When they parted, she gazed into his eyes, "You should come to bed too..."
He brushed his fingers through her golden hair, watching as she leaned into his hand. "I've got some things on my mind... I'll be along in a little while."
She looked at him with concern, but reluctantly left to join Calara, who was waiting by the Tactical Station. John watched the two of them cross the Bridge and waved goodbye as they disappeared from view in the grav-tube. He could see they were worried about him, but he needed a bit of time to himself after the nightmarish day he'd just had.
Alone at last, he plodded up the illuminated steps to his Command Chair and slumped in the seat. Looking over his console at the Bridge, he was struck by just how painfully empty it seemed without Faye's constant presence there. She'd kept careful watch over them for months, always greeting him with a cheerful smile whenever he arrived on the Command Deck. His heart ached for the beautiful girl and he was still struggling to believe that she was gone.
The pep talk he'd given Irillith and Dana seemed to have snapped them out of their grief, setting them a goal to strive for and rekindling hope of seeing Faye again. While he had enough confidence in Irillith's prowess to believe that they might someday be reunited with the purple sprite, he had to wonder if it would really be her they were bringing back. She might have Faye's personality, but how much did the AI's experiences shape her into the wonderful girl she'd become? It was heartbreaking to think that all the memories of her short but remarkable life with the crew had been destroyed... especially the budding romance they'd shared.
Faye had asked that they take their relationship slowly, but he knew she'd done so because she was worried that he might become unsettled by her synthetic nature. John toyed with the armrest of his chair, wrestling with an uncomfortable truth. If Faye had been a normal girl, he knew that they would have consummated their relationship within days rather than months. With Alyssa, Calara, Dana, Jade... all of the girls really... as soon as they'd made the decision to become a part of his life, he'd enthusiastically welcomed them into bed. He felt a sharp pang of guilt as he realised that Faye's fondest wish, her desire to become a real girl, was due to her desperate craving for the intimacy that he'd denied her.
"I'm sorry, Faye..." he whispered, staring at the empty space where she normally perched on his console. "You just wanted to be loved... and I let you down."
"You never let her down," Dana said quietly from behind him. "You were closer to Faye than any of us."
John turned his chair and saw the redhead standing at the bottom of the illuminated steps. He'd been so distracted that he hadn't heard Dana returning to the Bridge.
"I kept her at arm's length for weeks," he admitted, looking ashamed. "I treated her differently to all the rest of you..."
Dana shook her head as she slowly climbed the steps. "You can't go blaming yourself for that. Faye was worried about freaking you out... that maybe you'd have some uncanny valley moment and be repulsed at the thought of being with her. The two of you taking things slow was a good thing."
"But I never got a chance to really show Faye how much she meant to me..."
"Because you didn't get to fuck her?" Dana asked provocatively, raising an eyebrow as she stood before him.
He looked up at her with hurt indignation. "Don't say it like that! You know that's not what I meant!"
"You can dress it up in flowery language if you want, but that's exactly what you meant," she said defiantly. "You're blaming yourself because you think you short-changed Faye somehow, but making love to Faye wasn't the only way of showing her how much you cared. She treasured every second you spent with her... like those dates you had together; they were something special just between the two of you."
"I know I could have done much more for her," John said, his face shadowed with regret. "Faye did so much for us... she was unbelievably selfless."
Dana knelt down in front of him and gently clasped his hand. "John... what happened to Faye wasn't your fault. You might feel like you let her down, but it's just not true. I hate seeing you like this... your confidence is shot to hell and you're crucifying yourself over everything at the moment."
"No, I'm not!"
"Yes, you are," she said firmly. "First there was that comment in the kitchen about me and Irillith being much smarter than you... and us having to carefully explain things like you're some kind of moron. Then you blamed yourself for not taking out Larn'kelnar single-handed and letting us get hurt; you made it sound like you were just standing around jerking off! Now you're feeling all this guilt about not treating Faye right and that you neglected her somehow... but you actually let yourself fall in love with her despite her being synthetic!"
"It just feels like I've been doing everything wrong..." he said, looking dejected.
"John... the way you're feeling about everything is all connected," she said sympathetically. "It's all about your parents."
John's shoulders sagged, his expression turning gloomy. "I really don't want to talk about them right now..."
"I think we need to," Dana said, stroking his hand. "I understand what you're going through, I really do."
He looked into her sky-blue eyes, a sceptical frown on his face. John didn't want to say that there was no way Dana could know how he felt, but she could tell that was exactly what he was thinking.
She refused to back down and met his doubtful gaze. "For years I'd lie awake at night, wondering who my parents were and why they left me at that shitty orphanage in Karron. I just knew my mom and dad must be out there somewhere, desperately searching for their lost little girl. One day they'd find me, wrap me up in a big hug, and tell me how it was all a big mistake... that they loved me and now we could be a proper family like we were always supposed to be."
John flinched as he remembered similar dreams when he was a child, wondering where his parents were and wishing they'd come home. He saw the hurt in Dana's eyes and reached out to gently cup her face. "I'm sorry, Sparks."
She leant into his hand and sighed. "Don't be... you've had it much worse than me. Not knowing who my parents are is bad enough, but to find out they're a couple of complete fucking assholes would be terrible."
He rubbed a hand across his face and said wearily, "It wasn't really Jessica's fault... she was enthralled by my father and basically forced to do whatever he wanted. I guess I can't really blame him either; Rahn'hagon was just desperate to escape from Xar'aziuth's control... and when he realised all his plans had failed, he panicked and lashed out at me."
"Ah, bullshit! Stop making excuses for them!" Dana exclaimed, bristling angrily. "Your own mother just dumped you on Terra, then ran away to be with her lover! The bitch didn't even think twice about you in 40 fucking years! And as for your dad... what kind of asshole attacks his own son?! A real piece of shit, that's who!"
John was startled by her vehemence, then caught her watching him carefully despite her furious outburst. "You didn't really mean all that..."
