22

Chapter 19

I think the others probably had a celebration, just like they used to. They probably partied, got drunk, maybe had a nice dinner, anything to feel alive, some small token of happiness that we were moving forward again. For me, I saw it for what it was, a day off. I could spend the entire day with Amanda, and we were both pretty determined to make things work, even if we were afraid to say how much yesterday bothered us.

We sat at a small restaurant. The room was dark, nothing but a candle between us. Amanda stared at the menu, her fingers rolling between the pages. She wasn't focusing on me, but I couldn't take my eyes off her.

"Amanda," I tried. I reached across the table, trying to take her hand. All I got was her eyes, staring over the top of the menu.

"I am so sorry, I know we had plans, but Alley-"

She didn't let me finish. "They told me," she said. She didn't want to talk about things any more than I did, "They're not trying to break us up, they just don't want to be trapped. Alley told me everything that first day, told me her entire plan."

I let my eyebrow rise, "Everything?"

She let the menu fall, and the two of us were eye to eye.

"Did she tell you what we did? Did she tell you-"

"I didn't want to know Charlie," her words were quick, a bookend that silenced the discussion.

I lifted my hand, a feeble defense, then continued, "I wish I didn't have to do it either, but a part of this affects you too. Amanda. There's gonna be another Hannah. The woman we went after was married, and she's not gonna take this well."

The m word caught her attention. A small shutter ran down her neck, but she struggled to find a response.

"I think you should start carrying a gun," I said. I made my voice low, barely audible in the crowded restaurant, "and if you don't want to hurt people, that's fine, but you need a way out. You know how painful it can be."

She let her eyes drop, but I could see she was mulling it over. She tried to picture herself pulling the trigger. Another part of her mind thought logistically, trying to imagine where she'd find a gun, a place she'd get one

every single day.

"Her name's Mary," I said softly, "Mary Spellman. And she

is

going to be a problem. She won't be the last. They all came up with an idea- I was outvoted - and they want me to start going after the difficult ones. The married ones. The widows. Things like that. Amanda, you

know

what that means. Things are going to get worse. There's going to be a small army looking to torture me. Kill me. Maybe even hurt you."

Her eyes kept fixed to the table, still considering the gun, everything else just deluge in her crowded mind.

"I'm not saying they'll all be like that," I said, "but some will. We might not even get through this dinner- we might not-"

"What does she look like?" Amanda interrupted. It was a question she'd never asked, one that went so far against our

no details

policy.

"I mean she was older, a little-"

Another interruption. This time her hand was out, her finger pointed, fixed at a table behind me, "did she look like that?"

I turned slowly, hesitant to look. Meeting her eyes might mean my very public execution.

"She's been staring at you all night," Amanda whispered. Her voice was deadly quiet, her lips barely moving, but her eyes never left the figure.

I forced myself to turn and braced for the worst. I pictured Mary's chubby face, laced with anger and betrayal. I let myself imagine Hannah, her knife already drawn.

I didn't recognize the face I saw, not at first. I saw a face that was chubby, more so than Mary, but much older. Her eyes met mine, and the woman offered a feeble smile.

She gave a nervous wave, but I didn't recognize her until she stepped forward and I saw that glint in her eye.

"Sadie," I mouthed.

Her smile was painful but she forced it wider. I tried to make sense of the woman I was seeing, a woman who'd let the cancer spread through her body, allowed herself to put on weight, get older.

"Sadie," I repeated, still trying to make sense of the word, "You look-"

"I know," she mouthed, "Some things are worth getting old for."

Her feeble smile came back, but the sadness never quite left her eyes.

I wouldn't let myself say "Sadie" a third time. I stood and took a step closer towards her, but she kept her distance, that same sad look.

"Can we talk?" I asked. I made my voice as quiet as possible, words only she could hear.

She didn't answer.

"I know you're mad," I tried again, the exact same tactic I tried before, "But can you at least talk to the group, tell them why-"

"I didn't say no," she said. She blinked slowly, and the action seemed painful. When she inhaled, she struggled with every breath.

I gestured towards the table, "You can join us, Amanda's a-"

"But we have to talk alone," she said. Every word was an odyssey for her. She croaked like It was an endurance test to keep her heart beating.

I tried to look at her, tried to make sense of the woman I didn't recognize. She was an entirely different person that the plastic filled vixen who showed up just to taunt me.

"For a while," her strained voice started, "You did really love me, didn't you?"

I gave an uneasy nod. I kept trying to picture how she'd twist the knife. "I did," my voice said slowly, "And I never would have cheated on you, I-"

She held up her hand. It was a small action, but for a woman so sick and haggard, she may as well have lifted a boulder.

"Talk to me alone," she said, her voice final, "And if you did- If you were serious, you'll know where to find me."

I felt the same bristle as she started to fade away, and I couldn't stop my hand. "Sadie!" I shouted, gripping her wrist like a vice.

"Why can't you just talk to me?" I snapped, "Why can't you just tell me what's going on? What you're thinking?"

I had slowed her, but I didn't stop her. I could already see the far side of the restaurant through her form. She struggled to reach her hand out, and gave Amanda the smallest little point, "Not with her here."

And Sadie was gone.

Chapter 20

Emergency Meeting.

Those two words were all it took to get us all in a group together. We huddled around my kitchen, Amanda standing at my side. Amber and Alley stood alone, but Ginger and Chrissy were side by side, the redhead leaning against Chrissy's shoulders, while she kept her eyes away from us.

I told them Sadie found me again, and this time Amanda had my back. We told her exactly what Sadie said.

Amber was the first to step forward, "It sounds like she's giving you a choice."

She looked around, checking everyone's eyes for agreement, "Either keep doing what you're doing, and work your way out the hard way, or figure out some puzzle, prove that you are actually sorry and you did actually care."

"What does that mean?" Chrissy asked.

I shrugged, "It could mean anything. I've went back through everything I remember about us, I've tried-"

Alley interrupted, her voice stern, always by the book, "Start at the beginning, how'd you meet?"

"I already tried that," I said, "I went to where we met. I went to where we had our first kiss. I went to the first apartment we rented, went to her house, went to Isla Del Paco, just because that's where we took our first vacation. I haven't seen her. Hell, I haven't even found a hint."

"What about her?" Ginger said, her voice quiet and mousy, nervous to speak, "What's important to her? What'd you do for her birthday? Anniversaries? When was she happiest?"

I started to speak, but I think Alley saw the defensiveness start across my eyebrows.

"How do we know she's not just toying with you? Maybe she's just trying to drive you insane. Maybe she's just trying to slow you down."

"We don't," Amanda admitted, "Even when we saw her, she was older, fatter, and sicker. She looked awful. She looked worse than when she first met me, and she had been trying to manipulate me."

The group's eyes looked to me for confirmation.

"Yeah, but-"

That was all Amber needed to press on, "So it was all bullshit. Great. We stick to the plan and ignore her. I was thinking we have to go after the hard-"

"It wasn't," I interrupted, "She had a reason. She told me some things are worth getting old for, she-"

"She was bragging," Chrissy said, pity in her voice, "She can get old. You can't."

"You didn't see her, you didn't see how sincere-"

"It's still more mind games," Amber said. She gave an eye roll before locking eyes with me, "I mean look at it. It's working. She's making you question everything. She's making you feel crazy."

Alley agreed, "Why would she look that way if she wasn't trying to do something?"

Ginger wanted nothing more than to keep quiet, but her voice squeaked out anyway, "What if," she started, trying to gather her confidence to look me in the eye, "What if she still loved you? In spite of everything, what if that never went away?"

The words caught the others off guard and the kitchen fell silent. She let herself shrink as the eyes bored into her, but she forced herself to press on, "Regardless of what happened, you two did love each other before all this. Think about what she asked you to do, she wants to test if you truly knew her. She wants you to prove you can find her. Even the way she looked -- that matters too.

Some things are worth getting old for.

Maybe that means she'd let tomorrow happen, if she was with you. I think, she's giving you a road to redemption. Like Amber said, either prove you're still worthy, or continue on the path of dishonor, keep sleeping your way through Custer City."

Ginger retreated and Amber took over, "Ok, fine," she said, "Let's say there's a secret you're supposed to figure out. How long are we supposed to try to look? A week? A year?"

I felt Amanda's eyes on me and I knew I had to talk, "You're forgetting one thing, I don't want Sadie back."

Silence fell again and the eyes shot up to look at me.

"I'm in love with Amanda," I said, so focused I didn't see Ginger retreat even further, "And I wouldn't throw that away. Especially not for her. She trapped me in here for years, made me live the same day over, and over. It's cruel, and I wouldn't forgive her."

"Great," Amber said, her knuckles rasping on the board again, "Let's get to planning."

I glanced to my side and saw Amanda's gentle smile. I returned a small grin, before turning back to the group.

"But we don't know if Ginger's right," I said, "Or Amber, or me, or any of us. The only one who knows is Sadie. I think we have to try, because she might be giving us a faster way out."

Alley didn't wait for compromise. "One week," she said, "We'll take one week to try to figure her out. If we don't make any progress, we keep on doing what we're doing."

"That works," I said, the group muttering along in agreement.

Ginger and Chrissy left first, nearly sprinting from the house. Alley followed soon after, but I caught Amber by the arm. "What did you mean," I started, my voice so low only she could hear me, "When you said you wanted to go after the hardest?"

She smirked, "Isn't it obvious? Your sister."

The first three days passed without progress. Every now and then we passed an idea around, and every time we looked into it, we found nothing out of the ordinary.

"Amanda, you don't have to keep coming with me," I said. I tried to study her expression, the last thing I wanted was to see her uncomfortable.

She shrugged, "We're together. It's a nice day. I'm fine."

She walked ahead of me, and I tried to study the way she moved.

Was she really ok with us living out every date I had with Sadie?

The two of us had met at the boardwalk. She nibbled an ice cream cone as she walked, and no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't see anything but sincerity in her eyes. She was just happy being here with me.

She gave a little twirl, taking in the carnival rides, the flashing lights and the half dozen game booths that stretched along the crowd, "So why here?" She asked, "What'd you and Sadie do?"

"It was just a date," I sighed, "Our third or fourth. We met up here, rode a couple rides, ate at the end of the pier."

She looked at me unconvinced.

"Yeah," I laughed, "That's how out of ideas I am. This was just a random date."

She shook her head, "What exactly did you do?"

I looked around the pier, past the bustling crowds. "There was a busker," I said with a point, "Right over there. Sadie and I watched for a while, he played guitar, his coat was whipping in the wind. At the end I think I might have given him a couple bucks."

Amanda was walking absentmindedly towards the spot. Today, the place was empty, nothing but the thick rope that marked the pier's edge. It wasn't quite as windy as the day Sadie and I had come, but still enough to curl Amanda's loose shirt past her naval. She licked her cone again, turning to look at me.

"Right here?"

I nodded, "It's just an empty spot."

She looked down, confirming my words.

"What'd you do after that?"

I was starting to get annoyed. "I told you. We played a few games, we rode the roller coaster, ate dinner-"

"Specifically," she reminded, "She's testing if you cared right? Where

exactly

did you go, what

exactly

did you do?"

I gave the pier an aimless shrug. It'd been two years before the timeloop started, and another decade after that since Sadie and I walked down the pier.

"I think," I finally managed, "We walked that way. We were still getting to know each other, and we were just filling time. We didn't have anywhere specifically we wanted to go- it was just nice to hang out for a little bit."

I started retracing my steps, Amanda joining me at my side.

"We walked this way," I muttered, leading her through the crowd, "I think she made a joke about all the games, how the fronts all lit up and colorful, but the back is plywood- the place the workers go out back to smoke. We walked around back, just exploring-"

The night was starting to feel fresher. I led Amanda past the little grove of carnival games, where the lights gave way to grim reality. I nodded with a point. "We stopped right here."

Amanda walked a few paces past me, stopping so we were face to face.

"It was all just an excuse," I said, "She didn't like crowds, and she didn't like pda, but back here, the second we were alone she grabbed my collar and leaned in for a kiss, kinda like-"

Amanda beat me to the idea. Her hands were on my collar, and the tip of her ice cream dotted by chin. I felt her warm lips against mine, and when she pulled back she was laughing.

"Like that, yeah."

I wiped away the ice cream, brushing it off on my pants.

"We talked back here for a while, enjoying the privacy. We only left because it started to get cold, and we both started to get hungry."

I started to turn, but something caught my eye. My mouth opened, wanting to say something but not quite wanting to believe. I pulled away from Amanda and jogged towards the tent. A small slip of paper was caught in the canvas, whipping in the breeze, struggling to pull free.

"Is it something from Sadie?" Amanda asked.

I knelt, turning it over in my hands. My heart was racing. Somehow, I thought,

We're actually making progress, we're figuring out how to get out of-"

"No," I said suddenly. I could hear my own disappointment, "It's just a piece of garbage."

That was the most excitement I felt the entire week. That little scrap of paper was the only time I thought we might be getting somewhere. It didn't matter how many ideas our little group put forth, we never caught the slightest whiff of Sadie. The week came to an end, and we weren't any closer than we'd been.

"Which means," Amber said, standing in my kitchen, "It's time. We start making progress again."

Up until I met Amber, my plan with my sister was simple. Ignore her forever. Sleep with every last person in Custer City, and if the timeloop kept on, I'd track Sadie down and I'd beg. I'd say it was too cruel, I'd do whatever she'd asked, just to avoid looking Emma in the face and trying to seduce her.

"And that," Amber went on, "Is why we have to. Sadie has

never

sat down and had an honest conversation. Getting her to give in isn't an option. You weren't even going after married women. You were avoiding anything remotely difficult. If we want to turn a corner, actually finish this, we have to cross off the hardest ones."

Our small group was gathered at my kitchen table, Amber at the head. "Emma," she said, "Charlie's sister. Ideas people, what do we got?"

I didn't let anyone else answer, "Seduction is off the table. Force too."

Amanda nodded along. She'd known Emma almost as long as I'd known her.

Alley gave a little head tilt, "That doesn't leave much."

A silence fell over the kitchen. Amber looked from face to face, beckoning ideas. Amanda was the one who finally spoke. "We all need to go," she said, "We need to be honest. If it was Charlie alone, she'd never do anything with him. She'd freak out on him. But with others corroborating, she might start to believe."

The group's heads were darting back and forth.

"As much as I don't want to go," Amanda went on, "Emma knows me. With Charlie and me, plus all of you, that might be all we need. We be honest, we go over together, we tell her about everything."

Amanda's head went back down the second she finished talking. Nobody was stoked about the plan, but nobody had a better idea.

"Fine," Amber said. She gave the table one last clap, "Let's go help this guy fuck his sister."

Chapter 21

The nervousness I felt as I stood on Emma's doorstep was worse than I'd felt the entire timeloop. Even with Amanda, there was a hope that balanced out the fear. With Emma though, there was nothing but dread. I knocked on her door, wishing she'd somehow changed up her routine and that she was out, that she'd just stay away. I heard her footsteps approaching.

She had my same sullen eyes, a round nose a little too wide for her narrow face, and the same glossy brown hair our entire family seemed to have.

She gave a surprised smile, but the toothy grin gave way to confusion. Her eyes went form one girl to the next, taking in the sight. She recognized Amanda, but the rest were strangers. Her eyes went from the redhead to the police officer, stopping at the tattooed woman, finally glancing at Chrissy.

When her eyes went back to me, she saw something else. I didn't return her smile, and I didn't bring her a nice reply. She saw the nervousness, she saw my sullen eyes, and she saw how badly I didn't want to be there. "Hey Emma."

"Charlie," she whispered, her usually bubbly voice dropping to a whisper, "What's going on?"

"Can we come in?"

She glanced over her shoulder, checking to see if the empty house would mind.

"Yeah," she muttered, her confusion still plain, "Come in."

She led the way, bringing us into her living room. She curled nervously onto the couch, sipping her tea as her skeptical eyes watched every face.

Most were still finding a seat when I started talking. "They're all with me, because I didn't think you would have believed me if I was alone."

Chrissy and Ginger nodded along. Amanda sat next to me, her smile the gentles sign of encouragement.

"Sadie is really fucking smart," I finally said. Emma took another sip, her small form shielded behind her knees, "Way smarter than I ever thought. And way crueler."

I tried to ignore everyone else. Emma was

my

sister. It would be better if it was just us, but I knew she'd need the evidence.

"The cancer terrified her," I continued, "Understandably. But she couldn't accept it. Dying wasn't an option for her. So she started looking for whatever she could to keep on living. She looked way past medicine. It's amazing what a desperate mind can do."