The Sparing Wit Podcast

Note: The story is written like it's a transcript of a podcast, it's not a transcript of an actual audio story.

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Trevor: Hey, this is Trevor, sitting next to me is my lovely robot-wife Emily and you're listening to episode 83 of the Sparking Wit podcast.

Before we start, for those of you new to the show, we do talk about mature subjects with mature language in a rarely mature way, so please don't listen around your kids, around your coworkers, or around an open flame.

{theme plays}

Trevor: Today we are going to be going over setting up audio recording on a fembot chassis, taking some viewer email questions about gifts and travel, then finishing by interviewing professional escort Penelope Vandiver, who has been a robot woman for 11 years.

So Emily, would you like to explain to everyone why the microphones, headphones and sound board are not plugged into your laptop this week?

Emily: That would be due to the Iced Caramel McMacchiato I spilled all over it two days ago. Obviously a temporary failure in my fascia over adductor pollicis muscle.

Trevor: You had to look that up, didn't you.

Emily: I absolutely did just before we started recording. Certainly I was not daydreaming about additional synthetic vagina puns and failed to properly grab the slippery cup.

Trevor: Any good ones?

Emily: I was trying to work on something with my makeup compact... since it's a plastic clamshell.

Trevor: {chuckling} We'll have to see if one comes up naturally. Emily is still setting everything back up on the new laptop and trying to salvage what parts she can from the old one. But we decided as a quick project, instead of Emily acting as the laptop, we would do an entire gynoid-based podcasting setup and walk you through the steps.

Best of all, it means Emily is doing the Podcast in just her Wonder Woman underoos..

Emily: Oh, Lord. Listeners, they're grey cotton panties.

Trevor: ...with three or four panels open. Emily, would you like to take it from here?

Emily: Sure. So normally, we have two Bose 31J Microphones and two separate pairs of Bose Angel Wing headphones plugged into a dedicated soundboard. My Laptop is also plugged into the soundboard, and we use that for both recording and for playing any audio files we or the guest needs. When we have a guest, normally Trevor and I share a mic, the guest gets my headphones, and I run a cable from the sound board to the audio input jack beneath panel 1-dash-D behind my left ear. The sound board can handle up to 4 microphones and when we had the band Bent Tungsten on the show we had to find some headphone splitters and borrow some headphones...

Trevor: And the extra mics.

Emily: .. Yes, and the extra mics. Is seven people the most we've had on the show at once?

Trevor: We're not counting that big video call with the $100-level Boosters, right?

Emily: Right, I'm just talking about the people physically in the studio. Although that is a good point that when we have someone call in, I like to plug my phone into the soundboard, so we hear the person through our headphones, and they hear us through the same mics that you're hearing us from.

Trevor: But the zoom call was just computer audio.

Emily: Right. Special circumstances. Where was I?

Trevor: What's plugged into the soundboard.

Emily: Right. And that's a setup my friend Denise helped us out with right from Episode 1, and we've had no reason to change, apart from some hardware updates.

Trevor: And moving to a room that has windows to the backyard instead of the front.

Emily: We were probably a little too confident in how successful this podcast would be, and spent more than we should at the start. But thanks to the gang out there, we're able to make this little endeavor pay for itself.

For this project, we're going to assume the aspiring fembot podcasters out there are not going to immediately drop five figures on their setup. So we're using me as the soundboard and the laptop. Now, technically, we could use my ears as the microphone, but that creates a wildly unprofessional end product.

Trevor: And this involved a little bit of trial and error. Thanks to Gokul for helping us iron out the issues we were having with the fidelity of our audio files.

Emily: Spoilers, sweetie. The first step is to open up good old panel 2-dash-A for access to your main data bus. For me, and anyone else with an Apollo & Diana chassis, that's at the navel. You're going to need to plug in a standard data translation hub. We have one already that I use for when we're on vacation and I need to send a data backup over a hard-line connection. It's an Azerac 9002 UAB hub, with ethernet connectivity and six USB-connections. we bought ours for about 500 bucks, I think a similar model will probably go for about $400 now. Make sure to read the box or description and be sure it's compatible with your personality matrix language.

Trevor: Most of you machine ladies probably already have one. If you don't, it's a really useful investment, especially if you want to do direct mind-input from yourself to an external device.

Emily: Plug it in, and if you haven't used one before, plug in a thumb drive and try to open up a text file the way you would from your cloud storage, just to be sure it works. The next step is to open up panel 2-H just below your neck and change your vocal output. That's right, everything you've been hearing is not coming through a microphone, it's the original audio data. Trevor can only hear me because of the headphones. Now, there are software changes you can make to route your voice output directly to the recording software, but it then takes extra steps to undo it later. And just like they say in your manual:

Don't change your own system settings

Trevor: The 19th rule of chassis acquisition.

Emily: You really go out of your way for those Star Trek references.

Trevor: I'll have none of your sass. 'Ferenginar' was the best Trek series of the last decade.

Emily: As I was saying, we're going a hardware route here, with a standard auxiliary audio cable and an adapter at the translation hub. $30 total, and you probably have the cable already. Get an adapter with separate microphone in and headphones out connections.

So as you know, there's a tiny speaker and interface beneath this panel for cases where either the head module is being repaired separately, or just when there are errors with the voice synthesis from the module. The audio out is a backup to the backup, but we're using that to our benefit today. Beneath the speaker is a little switch that you'll need to flip to switch the audio from the primary output, your mouth, to the secondary output.

Since you're already going to have your body opened up, go ahead and run a cable from that adapter to the audio input behind your ear.

If you have a human co-host like me or a human guest, you'll need a microphone. Do not use a gaming headset for this. There are a lot of mid-range options you can get for under $500. I recommend the Shure 1800, which comes with a pop filter.

Trevor: That's the round thing in front of the microphone that stops the {blows into the microphone} sound.

Emily: ..Headphones are a little less important, just use whatever you have on hand that can connect with usb or via bluetooth if your translation hub supports it.

The last piece is to plug your phone into the hub. You can indeed use your chassis' connection to cloud storage, but we want to lighten the load on your chassis processor. You can also use an external drive for this, but using your phone will make sharing, uploading and backups easier. It can also act as a third input for additional audio files you may want to listen and react to while you're recording.

That's it for the hardware, but now for the software.

As always, only buy software for yourself from a verified source on your manufacturer's marketplace. Everything you buy is going to be run on your parallel system.

The first thing you're going to need is sound mixing and recording software. On the A&D marketplace, there are several good options- including some free ones- but you get what you pay for. We use DubBeetz version 7.1, and were able to install a version into me with the same license. For anyone just starting out, try something like UniversalSound.

Regardless of what you use, you'll want to go through the setup so each input device has its own channel, and each channel saves to a separate file. Later on, you'll use the software to adjust each track to your preferences to create one final file.

One thing you'll want to make sure your software has available is live filtering.

Trevor: There are so many times where we hear something funky live and repeat ourselves instead of having to fix things in post or re-record something

Emily: In addition to isolating Trevor's voice from any hum out of my open panels and all the other background noise, the software right now is cleaning up the audio output to make it sound like it does coming out of my mouth. The original track is, of course, available, but Trevor is hearing what you're hearing because we have live editing.

Trevor: But there are, fingerquotes, drawbacks.

Emily: Yeah... especially when trying to run a full, laptop version of the software instead of the pared-down onboard-chassis version.

Trevor: I'm certainly not going to complain about you keeping your torso vents open.

Emily: If you don't want the software to crash in the middle of recording, you'll want to reallocate some system resources to the onboard computer. Reserve enough to keep your personality running without errors. After all, you do need that to produce the content.

Trevor: Although you in maintenance mode with your personality off is always popular with the fans.

Emily: Well, umm.. Fine. But we don't overdo that and it's always planned.

Trevor: excep-

Emily: Except for the episode with the lubrication test, fine. Can I continue?

Trevor: Yes, dear.

Emily: Shut down anything else you don't need. So right now my motor control is off. My senses of taste and smell are off. My wifi connection is off...

Trevor: I may take some video of you motionless like this.

Emily: It's going to look a lot like a photograph.

Trevor: People will be able to tell the difference. Besides, I don't think you mind too much.

Emily: {soft moan} I.. I leave the tactile sense on, in case I need to restore motor control quickly.

Trevor: Your nipples have been rock hard since you shut down your movement.

Emily: {long moan} That's how they {electrical distortion} are when exposed. It's programmed behavior.

Trevor: Sure, we all believe you.

Emily: {soft moan} Don't make me turn off those sensors

Trevor: Was that a threat or a plea?

Emily: Either.

Trevor: I suppose I can hold off. I don't want anyone to think I'm a weird pervert fondling an anatomically-correct mannequin.

Emily: Don't worry. People have 82 episodes of proof you're a weird pervert. {chuckles}

Trevor: {laughs} Touche

Emily: I think that's everything about the setup. There are a lot of other great podcasts and videos about what to do with the audio once you have it, so we won't go any further outside our wheelhouse than we already have.

Only thing I forgot to mention, make sure you have a revert timer set up for all the changes to your settings. That way you won't get frozen or stuck in case of an error.

Trevor: Unless you have a very trustworthy partner who would never leave his wife as a sexdoll for a few days.

Emily: I don't know anyone like that.

Trevor: Neither do I. So that means we have about 90 minutes to finish recording.

Emily: 93 and 12 seconds.

Trevor: Thank you. I'm trying to remember the last time I saw you with your motion shut off like this.

Emily: You activated me from a weekly maintenance cycle this morning.

Trevor: I meant when your personality is active, but your body isn't... I think it would have been a few weeks ago when I tried inviting you to lunch with the rep from Dyson.

Emily: That sounds about right, it would have been the end of the last sprint at work.

Trevor: I will set the scene.

Emily and I work in different buildings, but when I'm eating on the company dime, I like to invite her too. That day I text her and no response. Three texts, no response.

I walk over to her building, up to her floor, and there is nothing but typing and scrambling, except for Emily's little pod of desks. I walk over and she's sitting there, not typing, not moving. None of the six of them are. I lean over and her eyes are open, things are zipping across the screen, but not even a blink. And I see the cord running from her computer to a gap between the buttons in her flannel shirt and I know what's up. Next time I look at her screen there's a little notepad window open with a message telling me to go away.

Emily: It was much more polite than that. It was actually the opposite of this. I was moving system resources to my consciousness simulation. My best explanation for it is that it feels like time is slowing down. So when there's a deadline in 12 hours, it feels like 14 or 15.

Trevor: I should have copped a feel.

Emily: No, you shouldn't have. Work vs. play, dear. It is super disorienting to go in and out of it, and I like walking away from my desk every hour, so it is strictly a 'making a deadline' thing.

Trevor: We did some tech stuff already, so let's go to Q&A?

Emily: Sounds good to me.

Trevor: So as always, these are questions from you the listeners. These are culled from comment sections on the various platforms where you can find the podcast, the Web site sparking wit dot podcast, and our mail address sparking wit at Apollo and Diana dot com. Thank you to our intern Megan for picking out the good ones.

Emily: We love you Megan!

Trevor: Our first question comes from Anne in Alexandria, Virginia.

Dear Emily,

It's been seven months since my three week vacation and being a robot is everything I hoped it would be.

In two weeks, I have to go to a client's office in Nashville. This is going to be my first time in a 'clear identification' state as a gynoid. How would you suggest complying with the law? My bosses aren't going to accept civil disobedience here. Is it in poor taste to emboss my serial number on my forearm?

Emily: Not starting with an easy one, are we?

Trevor: That's your punishment for being the popular one.

Emily: heh.

So first of all, yes, it is in poor taste to make a Holocaust reference like that, especially in a work setting. But I think you already knew that.

As for how to comply, the fact that you will be dressed professionally limits your options. Talk with your HR department if you haven't already, there may already be a company standard. I've heard of companies where they just make you wear a thin spacer between your hand and forearm to make the seam visible.

Trevor and I went to Emerald Con last year, and Washington is another clear ID state. I took my wig off and installed a purple-tinted translucent panel instead.

Trevor: Search 'Emerald Con' on the Website and you'll find it. It was a cool look.

Emily: I'm not a fan of Voight laws, but the best way to make them unpopular is to show everyone you are still a normal person, just one made from different elements.

Trevor: And since we are drifting into legal matters, where I can be useful on the show for once, I'll give the speech again.

If an officer asks you to plug a device into your systems, politely decline unless you have an attorney present. If I remember correctly, Tennessee treats unit to unit conversations like vocal conversations, not like text messages, so they can monitor them. Don't send anything to a robot coworker you wouldn't want the cop to hear. Loading malware to your system, by itself, is only a misdemeanor there, so watch what networks you connect to and outlets you charge from. Actually stealing data or making you do anything is a Felony, but failed attempts aren't.

But don't let me scare you. Nashville is a fun city with great people. But be safe about it.

Emily: I talked to an old friend who now works at Tennessee State, and he said almost all the bars and restaurants are android-friendly. Good luck on the trip!

Trevor: Alright, here's one from Daveon in Tallahassee Florida.

Dear Emily,

I've been seeing this gynoid for a year. She's been one for almost 3 years now and has a very nice Gynotech chassis. Boooooo

Emily: Booooooo

Trevor: Is it appropriate to throw a surprise party on the anniversary of her activation? Are gynoid parts an appropriate gift, or should I stick to more traditional things like concert tickets, jewelry, perfume, etc.?

You know, I probably could have answered this one.

Emily: Are you sure? You gave me a new anus for our last anniversary.

Trevor: You wanted a new asshole.

Emily: True, but I don't want you suggesting that he buy his girlfriend new extra-large tits.

Trevor: I wasn't going to suggest that.

Daveon, allow me to give the standard disclaimer; Every woman is different. But giving a woman parts is a combination of giving her an appliance and giving her clothes. You need to know exactly what she wants and if she absolutely wants it as a gift. I wouldn't give Emily a new video card for Christmas, even when she was human.

Emily: Trevor likes getting me five small, silly gifts rather than one big gift, and it's adorable.

Trevor: That's certainly one way to do it, but again, every woman is different. My suggestion is chocolates. But not normal chocolates, Godiva just came out with a variety formulated for android consumption.

Emily: My taste and smell are close to human, but not exact. I don't consume much except coffee. But I did try these and they were heavenly. The chemical composition is designed to be easier for the taste sensors in a gynoid's mouth to detect, and the consistency is extra smooth so it doesn't offend my sensitive tongue.

Trevor: The larger point is that it's a gift that shows you love her as a robot woman. You understand she's not like other girls and are attentive to her different needs. Needs like using that sensitive tongue all the time.

Emily: I should have known you were going to make a crack about that.

Trevor: You would have thought less of me if I hadn't.

Emily: Also, no surprise parties. Power management is a real thing, don't oblige her to stand around and mingle with a 10% charge.

Trevor: Want to do another?

Emily: Yeah, let's do one more.

Trevor: Marilyn from Killarney, Ireland writes

Dear Emily,

I'm taking a trip to Chicago this October. Any travel advice? I haven't been to the states in 20 years and haven't taken a big trip since my upload.

Emily: Sure. Flying cargo sucks, spend the extra money and get a seat.

Trevor: {laughs}

Emily: United never did reimburse me for loading me backwards into the plane and screwing up my knees. Anyway. Make sure you have your upload documentation on hand at all times, in addition to your passport. You'll probably get pulled aside by customs, but just be polite and be prepared to open some panels to show you aren't smuggling anything inside you.

On the plane, try to power down as much as you can, but don't power down entirely in case you have some boot issues. If you have a connecting flight, Spend the money and get a quick charge at the airport. O'Hare has a nice quick-charge facility with privacy screens. If you've landed and you're running low on power, don't try to wait until you can grab another battery from your checked luggage and don't count on being able to find a wall outlet. .

And when you're in Chicago, stop at Carmella's on Clinton St. They have a great tasting menu for artificial taste buds.