Ever since the night of the attack when she lost more than twenty patients, the girl had changed. After hearing about what had happened from Olivia, Greg feared that Shalia would lose all confidence in herself and stop learning under the healer. The opposite, however, turned out to be the case. As soon as the healer was back in town, she had come to her lessons the next day just like usual. That, however, isn't to say that nothing had changed with her. Before, she had been lackadaisical with the education she was getting from the healer. That, however, had changed. There was a quiet intensity to the girl as she carefully listened to all that she was taught and committed it to memory. Though she hadn't broken down like Greg feared she would, it was clear that she had been profoundly affected by the events of that night.
Once she was done working on the current thorn vine inside the warm water, she pulled it out of the water and carefully laid it out on her workstation, leaving it to slowly dry. It was only then that she turned to him. "Why bore yourself watching me perform these simple tasks," She asked in a genial tone. Greg, however, didn't miss the fact that the small smile on her lips wasn't reflected in her eyes.
Ignoring the question, he chose instead to be direct. "I'm worried about you," He said looking deep into her eyes.
There was a flicker of emotion in the girl's eyes but it passed too fast for Greg to fully pin it down. "Don't be," She answered in a carefully neutral tone even as she turned back to her workstation. "I am picking up everything rather quickly now that..."
"I'm not talking about the damn herbs," Greg cut her off, not allowing her to deflect. "Look at me!" Greg commanded when Shalia started to reach for another thorn vine ready to continue her work. Her hand paused, but her head remained facing down, prompting Greg to repeat more softly, "Look at me, Shalia,"
The gaze that met Greg was filled with so much anger that, for a second, he was certain that she would attack him. But quick as it appeared, it faded. Like air leaking out of a balloon, all that was left behind was deep pain and shame. "P... please, ju... just leave me be," She said in the weakest tone of voice he'd ever heard come out of her. She made another attempt to turn away from him, but even before he himself knew what he was doing, Greg had stepped forward and wrapped the girl in a tight embrace. Like a feral animal whose tail had been stepped on Shalia struggled. She shimmied left and right, while her trapped hands tried to find purchase that she could use to push Greg off her. Unfortunately for her, her efforts yielded very little success as Greg continued to tightly embrace her.
"I killed them!" The tortured words eventually left her mouth unbidden. The struggle leaked out of her as she went limp her body only being held up by Greg. Tears that she hadn't allowed herself to shed since that day formed two trails down her cheeks. "I killed them Roka," She cried, pain and guilt tearing at her. "If I had just paid more attention... If I had just remembered what I was taught! I see them... every time I close my eyes I can see their faces of pain, pain, and even worse, hope. Hope that they would recover ... hope that I would save them! My... my father, Roka... if you hadn't been there to save him, I would have killed my father as well! How... how can I face them? How can I face them when my father got to live and I couldn't save theirs?"
Greg said nothing and just held the sobbing girl as the things that had been torturing her ever since that day finally tore out of her. They were strung together in a barely coherent manner, painting a picture of grief, shame, and deep pain. Everything within him wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that she wasn't to blame for the deaths that day. That fault for the deaths of those men lay solely with the monsters. Greg, however, knew that if such paper-thin reasons would have been enough to assuage the girl's guilt, then she wouldn't be in the state that she was in right now. Besides, it would be a lie on his part if he said he didn't see some truth in what she was saying. Perhaps if she had paid a little more attention in her lessons with the healer, she would have known what to do at the critical time. Perhaps if she had committed more of what she'd been taught to memory, a few of the men who came to her with injuries would have lived to see another day.
By the same token, however, Greg hadn't been here. He had no way of knowing what weapons the monsters brought to bear when attacking the men of the town. Poisons, curses, heck even sonic and mental attacks were all possible vectors of attack for the creatures. It could just as easily be that, without magic, Shalia would have been unable to save the men regardless of what she knew at the time. There was just no way of knowing and Greg knew that this was what tortured the girl the most. The what ifs? The inability to say for certain that she wasn't to blame for their deaths. The fact that her father was somehow the only one to be saved just murked up the waters even further. After all, didn't this prove that the others could have been saved? And if so, what right did she have to be happy that her father had lived when she had failed to save so many others?
"I can't forgive you for what you've done," Greg spoke up. Though his voice was soft, Shalia stiffened as if his words were a whip that had landed on her back and rent flesh. Despite this, she didn't say anything in her defense. Greg was almost certain that in her mind, she believed that this was what she deserved. To be called out for the fraud that she was and condemned for it. He thus hurried to add on the rest of what he was trying to say. "You need to forgive yourself first," He spoke to the heart of the issue as he saw it.
He could fill her ears with all manner of kind words, talking about how she wasn't to blame. He could tell her that she had done all she could and that this was all anyone could ask of her. He could even tell her that the men had died defending what they loved and would gladly do it again. However, all that would be empty wind if she herself didn't think she was worth forgiving. Shalia herself was her own primary accuser. Her guilt over what happened that day was eating her up from the inside. Even if no one said a thing about it to her, it wouldn't make a difference to her as she stood guilty before herself.
A harsh sound that was supposed to be laughter, or some mockery of it, escaped the girl's lips. "Forgive myself?" She repeated. "How convenient! People are dead because of me Roka! And just like that I'm supposed to forgive myself and act as if nothing had happened?" She questioned pushing him away in both anger and disgust. Greg, however, couldn't tell whether it was directed at him or herself.
"Who said anything about acting as if nothing happened? More than twenty people died on your watch, Shalia. You'd be a monster if you acted as if nothing had happened," Greg calmly replied. Both his tone and expression relaying that he wasn't in any way taking the situation lightly. "But by the same token, if you just wallow in your guilt, what benefit is it to anyone? Poor you, people died and now you feel bad. So what? Will your feelings of shame turn back time? Will your guilt bring them back from the dead? Will the anger you feel at yourself change even a single thing about what happened?" he questioned in a blunt tone that held nothing back. Greg could see that his incisive questions were landing like physical blows on the girl as she went completely quiet, her gaze dropping to the floor.