I'll freely admit I wanted the dream to last as long as possible, but I wasn't fighting Dan's war. I didn't even know it was going on. I'd wanted to isolate myself from the real world as much as possible; that was the entire point.
So no, I can't talk about all the things Dan did, nor can I tell you how everyone else found out and how they started to fight back. The only story I can tell is my own. While everyone else was off squabbling, I was keeping to myself, and slowly falling in love.
It wasn't just Dallis, or her perfect dimples, the way she scrunched her nose any time she smiled at me; I was falling in love with my entire life.
I woke without a schedule for the first time in years. I didn't have to listen to agents and managers, a hundred people pulling me in different directions just to make sure I made them the most money possible. I was waking up to the sunrise, and wrapping myself in a plush blanket. I walked out to the oak porch, not giving a damn what my hair looked like, and just enjoying the silence as I sipped my morning coffee.
I'd barely been living in that tiny town for weeks, and already everyone knew my name, but it wasn't the insidious sort of familiarity that came with fame. People didn't see me with dollar signs above my head, desperate to scream my name, to get an autograph or snap a picture; they just saw a friend, a familiar face they wanted to say hi to.
Living there, it made me realize just how much I'd been missing. I never wanted to leave, that's true enough, but I'd made a promise to myself; when this all ended, I was out, and I'd find a way to live a little bit closer to the life I had in there. I didn't need money or screaming fans- I didn't need to change my body. All I'd ever done was make other people happy, and now it was my turn.
I knew it'd all end eventually, and I dreaded that simple fact. I was still trying to figure out how to join my simple little life with Dallis. Every time I'd get reminded about Flynn I wanted to run away and never show my face again, but then I'd see her fix her frizzy red hair, that effortless smile, and I couldn't look away.
I could tell she liked me.
She didn't want me gone any more than she'd wanted her husband gone.
And I know this could have all been a trick I was pulling on myself. I wanted Dallis, so the dream made Dallis want me, but the longer I was in there, the more I didn't give a damn. Dallis was a complete person, more real than anyone I'd interacted with in years. One way or another, our lives were intertwined. I had to put on my big girl pants and figure out how to make things work.
Dallis liked to drink. Not in the depressed way I used to, or the blackout party way everyone around me used to. She just liked feeling happy, drinking a beer when she finished her shift, or sipping wine by the fireplace as she snuggled up with Flynn.
She was a social drinker, and she always wanted to be around the ones she loved. As weeks turned to months, she made it clear she wanted me there, sometimes just the pair of us, sometimes as a trio, and sometimes everyone she'd ever met.
"You mean a lot to her, you know that?" Flynn said one night.
Dallis was laying across his lap, her breath a cat's purr.
"Ever since you came to town, it's like she's a completely different person," Flynn said. He grabbed a lock of her hair and carefully fixed it behind her ear.
"I am too," I said softly. I watched her sleep with a soft grin, completely content and trusting in his arms. I
wanted
that. I wanted her in my lap. I wanted to be the one that kept her frizzy hair out of her eyes, and kept her warm.
We spent most weekends together. Being by their side had become my second home. We cooked together, her poking frosting on my nose like we'd been best friends for decades. She'd change in front of me, jumping to fit into a dress and spin to ask me to help her zip up.
Sometimes Flynn would fall asleep first, or he'd hang out with his friends and the two of us would stay up talking. It didn't matter what it was- we could have talked about French cheeses and the hours would have flown past like a marathon sprinter.
If seeing her kiss Flynn didn't make me so miserable, I'm not sure I would have ever gone home. They certainly wouldn't ever ask me to leave, but things became too much. I'd see Flynn get tipsy, his kisses get a little sloppier. He'd grope Dallis and try to yank her off to bed.
In my wildest fantasies, they were trying to get a rise out of me, get me so insanely jealous that I couldn't help but make a move and trounce in after them, but they were never more direct, and I never wanted to ruin everything we had.
So I went home, and kept trying to convince myself that it wasn't just Dallis I'd been falling in love with. I
loved
my quiet secluded cabin. I
loved
hearing the birds chirp in the distance, and the waves crashing against the highland rocks. I
loved
the way everyone knew my name, and everyone was so friendly like I was just another townie.
It made me wish I'd never found Dallis, because I would have been in complete bliss. If I'd never met her, it would have been the life I'd always dreamed of. When I was the real me, I was a sex symbol. Thinking about relationships was the last thing I'd ever sat around fantasizing about, but it didn't matter what I'd been, when I was in here, I couldn't stop seeing her perfect face, hearing her goofy whooping laugh, the way she'd clutch her stomach and keel over.
I knew the healthy thing would have been to move on. The small town would keep on existing without me. As important as I felt, I was still the newcomer, and the world would have kept spinning if I left, but every time I pictured myself leaving, I saw her face again, and I kept going back.
I went to her house on an early Saturday afternoon excited to see her. I'd brought food I'd actually taken the time to cook, and two bottles of wine we'd surely finish before nightfall.
I thought if I'd just smile and watch her, the pain would hurt a little less. If I saw her happy, that would be enough, and I'd still be in her life.
That's everything I need, right?
But nightfall came, as fast as it always did. I watched Flynn sweep her up, wrap her in his arms and lay a kiss on her lips. He'd hold the back of her head, tussling up her hair, and not giving a damn that I saw everything they were doing.
So like all the other times, I'd go to leave, and like all the other times, it felt like I'd kicked a puppy. "Where you running off to?" Dallis asked. The mood seemed to drop instantly. Her eyebrows were pursed with disappointment, but her hands were still on her husband's chest, and no amount of sad eyes could make me stick around and watch that, knowing I'd be shoving a dagger through my own heart.
This whole situation hurt. God damnit it hurt, but it's the reason I never wanted to leave. Dallis wanted a best friend. We'd go mountain biking, go out whale watching, or spent the day suntanning at the beach. She'd splash me with water, her body perfect and athletic in that bikini, her abs more taut than even I'd imagined. My life here was more complicated and more real than anything I'd ever experienced. I didn't like the pain, no one would, but that longing I had for Dallis, was the most I'd ever felt for anyone, and it made me feel alive.
Occasionally I tried to make an excuse. Some days I knew I couldn't handle seeing her so happy in Flynn's arms, so I came up with some fake reason to get out of seeing her.
I always thought I was saving myself, but I could hear her raw disappointment. I knew she wanted me by her side, come hell or high water, and when I was alone and ruminating, I knew I'd wasted a day, and sooner or later, my time in here would run out.
That lone realization was the reason I realized I finally had to make a move. If I spent all my time left pussyfooting around my feelings, I'd never be able to forgive myself, and my return to the real world would have hurt even more.
I invited Dallis out for a hike. It was a trail I'd never taken before, but I felt certain the views would be stunning, and so they were. We followed along the ocean's rocky ridges, always teetering near the edge of the woods. She stopped near midday, her hands on her lips and breathing hard as she stared out at the crashing waves.
"You're not taking me out here to push me are you?" she laughed.
"I'm hoping you push me," I heaved, "And put me out of my misery."
There wasn't a single cloud in the sky that day, and the sun was beating down harder than usual. I balanced my backpack on my knee and took out a water bottle, waterfalling it in my mouth. I held it out for Dallis, and she drank just as greedily.
"How'd you ever find this place?"