Disclaimer:
Everyone is over eighteen. If you are not deeply into fantasy pulp fiction, gender fluidity and pansexuality, you are in the wrong place. This chapter features river pirates who are obviously faux-Koreans. I am definitely not implying that Koreans or the Vietnamese or Asians or anybody are all pirates or thieves or anything moronic like that. These are criminals. All cultures, countries and continents have them. Never doubt, Korea is awesome. Bulgogi, alone, is one of the greatest, yummiest gifts any culture has ever given to the world. Gods on high and in hell, now your author needs some damn take out!
BEHOLD! I, Thutmose-Neferkare, royal scribe, chief librarian and high priest of the divine Ra who even though he could scorch the whole world with a word, chooses not to for, yay, he is a fine falcon-headed fellow, do welcome you back to the second scroll in "The Saga of Tallia the Unwilling". Even though we have not yet invented pages, know ye that this one is a real page-turner full of gory violence, most graphic sex and gender fluid fun. Verily, that is how we like it, here at the Temple of Ra!
I hath also noted that some of you didst read the first scroll and left neither comment nor review. Yay, do you not know how much this doth anger both I, the exalted Thutmose-Neferkare, and the almighty Ra? Just yesterday He came unto me and bespoke, "Lo, my most faithful priest and chosen one, my anger is as the rising sun! Do these layabouts not know that if they do not rise from their place of resting and opine unto us their most felicitous feedback and feelings, that I shall be forced to subject their nether regions to the seven fires of heaven? Yay, my Most Holy, I shall blister their bottoms! See if I won't!" Seriously. Ra hath totally told me that.
I beg of thee, good folk -- spare thyself the wrathful yet righteous fire-spanking of Ra! Readeth this entire scroll which I think ye shall find both morally, spiritually and (frankly) sexually stimulating. Yes, of course, first find thy own pleasure and personal appreciation of this most lurid tale. And maybe even thereafter, go forth from thy sacred couch and even make unto thyself a worthy snack or perhaps a lovely beverage. But then, once this be done, fail not to return here forthwith and carve thy musings upon the Wall of Thoth most forthrightly and honestly (to a point -- remember that I am a priest of most delicate sensibilities). Do this I pray thee, for thus alone shall the high priest know that his translation is appreciated and not cast, unheeded, into a cold and uncaring void.
Yay, let it be written! Yay, let it be done!
Chapter Two: The Quest for A Dick
Tallia and Hilarius left town at midday and spared no words of camaraderie or conviviality to anyone in Zhang Zhen. Even though they likely had saved this settlement from eradication by the merciless horned monster-bear, they had made no friends here (other than a single surprisingly appreciative whore). They were regarded by the majority of the rice farmers as the lesser of two evils, but evils nonetheless. Costly mercenaries who bankrupted the town were deemed only slightly better than murderous monsters, it seemed. Perhaps that they spent so much of their gains here in the same town might make them slightly better regarded than typical hirelings, but gratitude was a scarce commodity here in the Rice Lands of Dao.
Travel here was not the easiest of prospects. The Rice Lands were anything but level. These were jagged hill lands at the base of great mountains far too distant to actually see. The hills rose abruptly here and there emerging from the land like scars. In those ancient days, much of the Rice Lands was not yet tamed and through farm terraces were no great rarity, there were also still forests of bamboo and briar tangled amongst and atop those hills.
The Rice Lands were also anything but dry. This was the land of countless rivers that wove amongst the rises, terraces and hills. The rivers here formed almost a net of tributaries, streams and channels. A skilled boatman could navigate this tangle and go almost anywhere at certain times of year. Our two travelers though had neither boat nor such knowledge and so stuck to the often primitive roads.
The pair travelled by foot for fifteen long and tiring days, traversing quickly these crude roads that cut through the rough bamboo-choked hills and joined one farm community to the next. Hilarius the Swift had always been fleet of foot and Tallia now found her own newly acquired Amazonian endurance near boundless, so they made good time. If anything impeded their progress, it was their horse.
Bradus the Less Than Swift moved at what can only be charitably called a thoughtful pace. Still, loaded with water and gear, the pack animal remained essential and besides Hilarius had come to regard the beast as the third member of their company. The rogue, usually quick to laugh at any jest, did not find Tallia's affectionate nickname for the beast of 'emergency rations' funny in the least. Thus Tallia used this jest often.
As for shelter, they were too bereft of coin to afford any inns or way houses and besides, those were scarce in these parts. They had neither tent nor pavilion and that meant that they were camping out in the open weather. Fortunately, the gods smiled on them and the weather proved pleasant enough. They were rained on only a few times and that briefly, gently and not as they slept. That was most unusual for this country in this season.
Their reception by the local farmers, though, was almost uniformly less than friendly. Tallia understood why. This entire region was neglected by its far-off rulers and bandits ran rampant. This tangle of hills made perfect cover and the great river net made travel as easy for pirates as for farmers and honest traders. Armed travelers were easily mistaken for thieves and more often than not, there was no mistake. Oft when they spoke with the locals, the farmers brandished drawn bows or bronze-bladed pitchforks. It only emphasized that there was nothing for them here and that they needed to keep moving.
They were only received well in one village. There, a wide-eyed headman took one look at Tallia, ordered everyone to lower their arms and proposed marriage on the spot. Hilarius of course thought this uproariously funny and began negotiating with the man for the dowry. Hilarius was up to twelve cows, a hut with three rooms and a necklace of jade when a not-laughing Tallia dragged the rogue out of town and back onto the road. It seemed thus to Hilarius that adequate revenge for the 'emergency rations' jape was doled out. The headman was of course heart broken and followed them, crying forth pledges of love, for almost half a league.
Food was a constant concern. The small store they had at journey's start didn't last three days even with harsh rationing. They had no silver nor even gear they were willing to part with, so they couldn't trade. There was no one they met willing to pay for sell-swords, so they could earn no coin. And without trade nor coin they couldn't buy a bow, so hunting was near impossible.
Tallia did find a solution. She hewed a spear out of bamboo and used it to skewer a scrawny feral pig one night. Hilarius found some small golden-yellow mushrooms growing from a log that he insisted were non-poisonous. The rogue was thankfully soon proven right. These meager rations of stone-seared pork and mushrooms got them through, though sometimes only just.
Regardless of all this, the adventurous duo were in fine spirits on their sojourn. Yes, they were destitute. Yes, the food was in perilously short supply. Yes, they had not a friend in the world save each other (and loyal, plodding Bradus). But they had faced those same perils many times before and always together. And if the gods simply wanted them dead, it seemed to the two travelers that they had already had ample opportunity to end their lives. Clearly, there was some sort of weird destiny unfolding ahead of them. They were however eager to get out of these endless rice terraces and to someplace, frankly, more exciting.
