The Princess In The Brothel

"I'm not having another ruddy argument about the definition of the word

slaying

."

As it reached late afternoon, an observer out wandering in the Old Forest may have chanced to glimpse an odd couple trekking their way through the trees. The one leading the way, for sure a man even though he is shorter and cloaked from head to foot, moves furtively and can't take two steps without adding half a spin to check he is not being followed. The woman moves with a petulant gait and, though she is garbed similarly to the man, she can't help but put her two hands to the cloth of her trousers as if she's lifting a skirt as she tramples her boots through the mud.

"All I'm saying is that slaying implies combat," Princess Charlotte complained. "It is understood that the beast be killed by sword or by lance. At the very least, I suppose a well-placed arrow loosed by an eagle-eyed warrior would suffice. The point stands, such a warrior would be worthy of receiving his share of the kingdom."

"Yeah, well, I didn't much fancy getting broiled in armour like the last dozen knights your father sent," said Badger. For a moment he took his hood down, revealing his weathered weasily face. "Look, I'm a problem solver, me. Two dozen sheep laced with arsenic left outside the cave equals dead dragon equals rescued princess equals fame and fortune. Simple. Complain about the means all you want, the ends are plain."

"Yes, well, plead your case as you might, I'm not sure Father will see it that way."

"It doesn't matter a mouse's fart how he sees it," replied Badger. "You'll not find me taking up his offer of marrying you anyhow."

"You won't?" said the Princess, half suspicious and half gleeful.

"Half a kingdom sounds a hell of a lot like a permanent address to me and I do best by avoiding those as much as I can. Besides, I'm old enough to be your grand-daddy. If your old man takes a against me, it'll be all the easier to refuse your hand. I'll settle for coin in its stead -- your weight in gold sounds 'bout right." Badger reached into his bag. "Speaking of - a little more cake to tide you over as we walk?"

"Well, from now on, I'm on a diet," said Charlotte in a huff.

"Good idea," sniffed Badger. "There's nothing like being locked at the top of a desolate tower for piling on the pounds. By the way, did you get much needlework done during your captivity?"

Princess Charlotte ignored such impertinence and the two continued to march in silence till they reached a glade in the forest.

"I still don't understand why we're coming into the forest having left a perfectly good road behind us," said Charlotte taking a moment to rest on a log.

"I told you," said Badger. "Business."

"Well, I for one certainly don't see what business you could have that could possibly be more important than restoring a Princess to her people and family."

"No, happen you wouldn't. My business is mine," said Badger. "Besides it is as well to get off the road and under cover. I don't want to be gazumped."

"Gazumped?" said the Princess.

"Gazumped," repeated Badger. "I had to kill a dragon to get hold of you. The next guy only has to kill muggins here. Once word that the dragon is dead gets out, every ruffian from here to your bed chamber is going to be looking to jump me and score a quick half-a-kingdom for little actual bother."

They'd now walked far enough in that they were surrounded on all sides by trees. Badger stopped suddenly and started fumbling around in his pocket for something. "Here do us a favour, hold out your arms and take this in your hand."

"What?" said Charlotte.

Badger grabbed her right hand roughly, lifted it high up, and placed a single silver coin on the center of her palm. "Now say

redinkulousiarna.

"

"Redinkulou...siarna?" said the Princess confused.

No sooner had she spoken than two small butterflies, their wings red and black fluttered down and landed on the coin. But then they turned and she saw they were no mere insects. Instead, each had the bodies of tiny humans, a man and a woman, and they were completely naked.

"Fairies!" yelped the Princess in surprise.

"Well, duh," said Badger rolling my eyes.

"My grandmother tried telling me fairies didn't exist. Then, when that didn't work, she ordered me never to get involved with them."

The two fairies turned, embraced each other, and started to kiss. Charlotte leaned in closer to get a proper look. The male fairy spun the female around, pushed her down onto her knees, and started to fuck her roughly from behind with his needle-sized cock.

The Princess screamed and threw her hands up. The male quickly fluttered down and caught the falling coin and the female turned and made a rude gesture in Charlotte's direction. The two creatures then flew away deeper into the forest.

"Yeah, well, your granny wasn't exactly wrong," Badger grinned. He indicated the direction the fae had flow off in. "This way,"

They picked their way between branches and bracken for a good half-an-hour. Every so often Badger would pick out another coin, summon some more fairies, and set off in a new direction.

Finally, just as it was starting to get dark, they came across a great stone wall blocking their path.

"Left or right?" Badger asked the Princess.

"You mean you don't know?"

"Oh, either will get us there eventually," Badger said, "but it may be sooner or later depending on how well we guess. Ah, what the hay, left then."

They wandered round the wall for a few minutes until finally they came to a large wooden gate.

Badger knocked and a tiny slot at eye level opened up. "Who seeks entry. Fiend or foe?" The voice rasped in a way that almost certainly wasn't human.

"A friend of fiends for certain," said Badger. "And one in need of kip and company."

"Oh, it's you," the voice said, the disappointment unmistakable. "Fine, you better come in then."

The door opened. As Charlotte walked in she looked for the doorman but he'd already vanished. Relieved and disappointed, she turned her attention to their surroundings. It was a village, ordinary enough although definitely a little more upmarket than usual. A lot of the ones they'd passed through on their way here had been quite hovelly. There were a series of thatch-roofed cottages with red and white roses round the doors and a rustic fairy-tale well in the center. Most houses were dark, but from one larger building at the far end, light, music, and laughter spilled out.

"Finally," said Badger with relief.

"Now look here," said Charlotte. "I hope you are not thinking of taking me to some disreputable tavern!"

"Don't get your knickers all twisted up, Princess. It is no tavern," he said. He took her arm and led her a few steps before continuing. "It is a brothel and its reputation is unrivalled in all the Four Lands."

"A brothel?" said Charlotte stopping and resisting Badger's pull. "I never heard of anything so outrageous! So that is what you count as your business, is it? Some cheap tart?"

"If it'll shut you up, I'm meeting a man about my next job now that you are done and dusted. He's here, so I'm here. That's the long and short of it. We will be not five minutes. If he with a whore, then not eight maybe."

"Well, I for one shall wait outside," announced Charlotte.

"Yeah," said Badger sardonically. "And I suppose I should just leave all my coin and my jewels and my weapons out here and all. Perhaps write a little note saying Tom, Dick and Harry are all free to help themselves. No, sweet princess, I keep my valuables close at hand. Where I go, you go."

Charlotte looked around, scanning the dark corners of the village. Her mind went back to the not-quite-human doorman. "Okay, well then, I urge you to conduct your business with the utmost haste," she said in what she hoped was still a haughty manner.

Badger pulled open the door and Charlotte entered a whole new world.

There were men there in great number and for every one man there were at least two women seeking favour. The women were mostly human, but there was also the green skin and chestnut hair of the dryad -- the tree spirits of the area and a no few other variations of skins, shape, and hair.

By the door was an enormous green ogre, nearly twice Badger's height, who watched the room from a squatting position, a makeshift club resting across his knees.

"Evening Mr Badger, Sir," the ogre said respectfully. "Long time no see."

"For your trouble, Fnair," said Badger flicking a bronze coin which the ogre completely failed to catch.

"Rule one," he said to Charlotte. "Always tip the bouncer on entry. By the time the fight starts, it's already too late."

"There's going to be fighting?" said Charlotte suddenly even more worried.

"Only one time in five," said Badger. "But taken all together, it's a half shilling well spent."

In the center of the room, slightly lowered down there was an expanse of water, too big to be a mere bath but too small to be a pool. There were four women in there facing in different directions. Each was enthusiastically pleasuring a customer with their mouths. As they got closer Charlotte saw one then another fishtail rise and then fall out of the water.

"Mermaids!" she gasped.

One of the four took a moment out from her oral pleasuring to throw a comment across the room. "Hey, Badger, why do you never get shipwrecked in my part of the ocean?"

Badger smirked and replied, "If you learned to hit at least some of the right notes in your siren's call, I might. I'm sorry to break it to you, luv, those sailors aren't stuffing cotton wool in their ears because your singing is too perfect."

"Oi, ya cheeky git!"

"Do you mind?" said her john. The mermaid turned her attention back to the blowing of her job.

The two turned to walk away and nearly bumped into a leprechaun carrying a tray of bright blue drinks in cocktail glasses.

"For the lady," he announced.

"Thanks," said Charlotte leaning down to knee height to take it. She swirled the liquid around and took a deep sip. She had, naturally, been brought up in the royal court and had been schooled in every form of etiquette from a young age. One of the big rules was you never ever spat anything out in company. She let the liquid sit in her mouth for a second and then swallowed it all down.

"That was disgusting," she said to Badger once she was sure that the leprechaun was out of earshot. "People drink that stuff for pleasure?"

"Nah," said Badger. "People drink that stuff as a contraceptive. Women mostly."

Charlotte looked to one side and yelped. A couple were kissing but the man, bare-chested, had a giant snake wrapped all the way around him. It took a moment for Charlotte to realize that the snake's ended in the woman's head. She was gorgeous, but instead of ears, she had the characteristic crown of a king cobra running from her neck up to her bald and scaly head. Her tail was tucked discretely into the top of his trousers but was definitely up to something down there. They broke lips and her forked tongue darted out and started to tickle his ears.

In another corner of the room, a hobbit was sitting with his feet up smoking a pipe. Kneeling and sucking ferociously at his hairy toes was a barbarian in just a loin cloth, all chiseled features and oiled pectorals. Charlotte stared for a good while longer than was proper trying to work out which was the paying customer.

Badger tugged at her cloak and as they moved further in, a valkyrie dressed all leather lit a torch ahead of them. A man, naked apart from a gold amulet hung round his neck was chained wrist and ankle to a large metal wheel. The woman brought the flame to his testicles and he screamed in agony. "Oh God! Oh God!"

Charlotte tugged at Badger's cloak, "She's going to kill him!"

"Not quite," said Badger. "That's the Amulet of Exquisite Agony he's wearing. It renders the wearer invulnerable to damage and makes pain feel...hmm...well not like pleasure...It's like a good pain, as I've heard tell. If you can make head or tail of that."

Charlotte gave him a hard stare. "People are strange," she finally said.

"But royalty is even stranger," said Badger, "take it from me and the more interesting of the history books."

They continued on. The man was yelling, "Oh God! Yes! Oh fucking yes! Boil my balls!" as they passed.

They finally reached the bar. The woman behind it looked almost human for all that she was nearly seven feet tall and incredibly voluminous. She had two large sets of cow horns sticking out of her forehead.

"Evening, Maud," said Badger. "Pint of the usual."

As Maud set the tap running, she asked. "And for your lady companion?"

"Nothing alcoholic," said Charlotte quickly.

"How about a nice glass of warm milk?" said the barmaid.

For a moment Charlotte wasn't sure if she was being mocked. "That...sounds nice?" she said cautiously.

The barmaid slammed an empty tankard down on the bar, pulled up her shirt, and squeezed the left nipple of her enormous breast. A strong white spray came squirting out. Badger's ale and Charlotte's milk competed to be the first to fill their respective cups.

Charlotte looked away in embarrassment. Next to her at the bar, there was an elderly wizard with a dishevelled beard and a tattered robe trying to eke out the remains of his flagon. As Charlotte studied him, he was approached on the other side by one of the more buxom ladies in the room.

"Good evening," said the tart putting a suggestive hand on this shoulder.

"What do you mean?" replied the wizard. "Do you wish me a good evening, or mean that it is a good evening whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this evening; or that it is an evening to be good on?"

Charlotte's father always said that dealing with wizards took a great deal of patience and even more caution. He could have learnt a lot from the tart's reply. She took a deep breath, adjusted her cleavage, and sat down at the next stool.

"I think what I principally meant by 'good evening' was that it's two silver for sex, three for anal, but I'll warn you now, if you're the type that likes to piss around with riddles all evening, it's a whole gold crown for anything more complicated than 'Oh my! What have I got in my pocket?'"

The wizard reached into his pocket and deposited a number of coins into the tart's open hand. So as to avoid having to count them, Charlotte quickly turned her attention back to the bar. Behind the taps, there were shelves. Most of them contained bottles of various spirits -- some steaming, some bubbling, and some slowly changing colour. Above them was a collection of larger jars, containing what looked like some kind of dead animal, half pink and half hairy suspended in an oily liquid. They all seemingly had a gold band wrapped around the mid-section.

"What are those?" Charlotte asked.

"Oh, those," said Badger with a grin. "Ever heard the expression 'I wouldn't fuck her with your dick?'"

"No," said Charlotte immediately.

"There you go," said the barmaid, the flagons finally being full.

"Thank you," Charlotte said. She picked up her drink with the air of someone who was definitely going to take a sip of it any minute now. "The jars?" she asked again mainly to draw attention away from the milk.

"Cocks for rent," said Badger simply.

"I beg your pardon?" said Charlotte.

"See, men come in here to live their wildest fantasies. And one of men's bigger fantasies is to be bigger. With a modest fee and a bit of magic, even the smallest man doesn't need to be embarrassed in the shower any more, if you get my meaning."

"Let's just assume that I do and spare me any further detail," said Charlotte, then despite herself, she asked another question. "What are the rings for?"

"Oh," said Badger. "That's just a security tag. You'd be amazed the number of customers who conveniently forget to return the goods when the evening is over. The rings will scream if taken outside the building. It's a good way to avoid shrinkage."

Charlotte returned to staring into her drink.

"Another," said Badger to the barmaid after he'd drunk his first pint, "and by the way is Fleece about?"

"He's away poaching," she replied. "He'll be back tomorrow round first light, most likely."

"In which case, we'll need beds for the night," said Badger sliding more coin across the bar.

"You said..." started Charlotte.

"I know what I said. It's not like Fleece not to be here. He's kind of the owner. Kind of. So, anyway, the plan has changed."

"Remember, if you want a bed...," started the barmaid.

"Yes, yes, I know the rules," said Badger.

"But does she?" asked the barmaid pointedly.

"Don't worry," said Badger clapping her on the shoulder. "She's just taking a moment to adjust to how new everything is. By the time that it's time to turn in, she'll be fully on board."

"Well..." said Maud uncertainly.

"Fully on board," Badger repeated. He pushed the room fee across the bar and turned to Charlotte. "Come on."

"What are we doing?" asked the Princess.

"Blending in," said Badger. He indicated a set of seats arranged in a semi-circle around the stage. Badger took his drink with him. Charlotte conveniently left hers. They sat down, the Princess leaving two empty seats between her and Badger.

A dwarf with a huge red beard came and sat down in the seat directly in front of Charlotte. He rested his tankard upon the floor, moved his regimental sporran to one side, and then exposed his fat cock. He sat there stroking it, waiting for the show to begin.

Charlotte quickly hitched along the two seats towards Badger.

By the side of the stage, a young girl in flowing white robes was looking vacantly out into space. Around her two other women were singing two different magical enchantments -- voices which would have been beautiful solo, clashed against each other in tempo and key. The trio stood out in the crowded room for being the only women who had not one iota of the night about them.

"What with her?" asked Charlotte indicating the girl. "Is she simple, somehow?"

"No, that's Daphne," replied Badger as if that explained it. "She'll have just finished with her last punter and will be prepping for the next."

Charlotte craned round to get a proper look at the enchantresses. The first was a lady who, on the one hand, could in no way be described as even approaching middle age and yet also had a face that was also indescribably ancient. The mage raised a hand to brush aside her long blonde hair and Charlotte got a glimpse of two pointed ears. An elf. They usually went out of their way to avoid all unnecessary contact with humans.

"She is a healer," said Badger. "Her skill is unmatched."

Charlotte nodded. "I have heard tell that the elves have such power that they may heal any injury. Even if a warrior has lost an arm or a leg they can still grow it back."

"Or a hymen," said Badger.

There it was again. That hateful glare. Badger gave it little notice. "As may be," he said with a shrug.

"And the other one?" asked Charlotte. This girl was undoubtedly young and not just eternally young. She had a vague bluish tint to her skin and hair that seemed completely wet through, sticking to her neck and shoulders even though the temperature in the bar room was uncomfortably warm.

"Lias -- the water nymph. Theirs is a different enchantment. In the wild, they will call to men and make them forget anything and everything - their wives, their children, their duty."

"You don't mean they trap people here?" asked Charlotte shocked.

"Oh, heavens no!" said Badger. "They got some pretty firm county ordinances about that kind of behaviour. Nah, our nymph here has a simpler task. She's gotta make Daphne there forget about her previous client, like she has every one before him."

"You don't mean..." Charlotte started.