Count Douchefuck of I'mAnAsshole was as true to his name as I expected. I tried to not let my distaste show on my face as we whisked above the landscape in his personalized scout-form until I remembered pretty much all of his psi talent was currently being used to keep us suspended telekinetically in the air.
Realizing that, I started sticking my tongue out at him.
"What does that expression mean?" Count Buttsniffer asked. He was 'seated' in the center of the oval of blue-white telekinetic force that was his scout-form. I say seated. Really, his legs were crossed under him and he glowed with tendrils of white light that thrust out of his spine and shoulders and into the skin of the ship itself. His hair stood on end and he floated in the middle of the air as he radiated with raw power. Doyen scout-forms were a trick we humans couldn't match. They were
fast
. Like, requiring human physicists to tear their theories apart and put them back together again in new ways fast. Like, we were going to reach the Doyen capital on Beta-3 in about fifteen more seconds.
And the Doyen capital was on the polar ice cap.
Such as it was on this hotbox of a planet.
Now, you may have noticed, I put quotation marks around Count Gerrymandering dialog. The reason why is simple: He was actually talking out loud. Using his lips. My palm rested against the skin of his ship and I sent a quick thought to Magnum Caliber, now that I could do so without being peeped on.
What exactly is our plan, Magnum?
Magnum was looking as serious and impassive as possible.
Follow the Princess' lead.
That was easy, so far. Tzali was currently looking as if she was getting everything she deserved – well, actually, she looked like she was getting slightly less than she felt she was owed, and that
tiny
missing amount was provoking a look of utter sneering contempt. This contempt had set a fire in the Count, and he had been subtly adjusting the ship for the past few minutes to try and make Tzali at least give him a bigger smile. None of it – not the mood lightning, nor the seats, nor the faint music, seemed to do anything but increase contempt. I wondered how far she could push that line before it set our Count over the edge.
"
Whoa
..."
That was Opal Midnight. She was, like the rest of the 'slave' girls, sprawled near the nose of the oval scout-form. This meant that all the Count had to do was open his eyes to get a great view at three of the finest human asses in the galaxy. But the upside was each of them got a chance to look out the front. And Tycho Bright and Ebony Noon were both looking impressed too, though they hid it better. I ambled over to the front and found, for the first time in my life, it was easier to look out a window then down at three scantily clad girls.
But Abby!
I can hear you cry.
I thought you were surrounded by naked girls all day!
Yes. That's exactly it. Do you know the effect a golden bikini and loincloth has on someone's body? It makes nudity – which feels more normal and natural by the hour – into
near
nudity. Suddenly, someone has flicked on all the 'hey, this is sexy' switches online again. Not that they had even been
off
for that long. I was only barely out of high school, cut me some slack. But even high school hormones and the gorgeous bodies of Tycho, Ebony and Opal weren't enough to distract me from the Doyen capital.
The ice caps here on this planet
did
exist, despite the temperature. Don't ask me to explain the fluke of geology and climate that kept things cold enough up here to maintain an icy attitude. But the end result was that we had hundreds of kilometers of brilliant white snow and ice expanding below us, with the occasional sharp, obsidian tooth of a mountain thrusting up. And the front of the scout-form was where the telekinetic field got thinnest, so we had the best view. And there, right about fifty kilometers ahead of us, was the Doyen castle.
I'd been told that Doyen castles were made of telekinetic energy.
I just hadn't realized what that would
look
like until right about...now...
Imagine a flower made of purest crystal, fanning outwards out of a pillar of fire almost five hundred meters tall. The fire roils and ripples outwards into snakes that loop and coil upwards through the air to press against the underside of the petals, providing support to shimmering, shining blades that looked big enough to hold entire apartment blocks on them. Now, start adding these details to your mind picture: Lightning strobes silently from the tips of of those flower petals, arcing upwards to the spire in the middle, which is made of a purple crystal that had been carved into an ornate, beautiful, Aztekish looking pyramid that rotates slowly in place.
That was just the
main
building.
Surrounding the pillar of flame were walls of fire and of lightning and of swirling tornadoes of ice and snow. Doyen Paladins in their glowing warforms strode atop those walls. Yes, atop. I saw them
walking
on tornadoes. Most of them were armed with large psi-bows. Which were exactly how they sounded: Recurved bows made of telekinetic energy, loaded with stone arrows that looked like they were nearly twenty meters long.
"I count ten Paladins in warform," Ebony murmured.
Tycho nodded. "This isn't as
minor
a world as we thought, was it?"
"Quite a fortification," Tzali said through a yawn.
"Well, all the better to protect you, my darling lady," Count Grumblefuck von Traitordick said. He managed to drag his attention away from his scout-form to reach out and take Tzali's hand, then drag it near his lips to kiss it.
Opal, helpfully, kicked me in the shins.
The scout-form darted down towards the flower. My brow furrowed slightly as something clicked:
Where was the Doyen stargate? The observation flyby that had sent us here had spotted that thing in a village somewhere.
As I thought that, the scout-form started to dissolve away. Once it was gone and the Count was standing again, I realized that standing on a Doyen castle's floors was...trickier than I might have expected. It was a bit like putting your feet against a surface that
badly
wanted to be frictionless. I actually saw Tycho flinging out her arms and kicking her feet a bit before she managed to get the floor to behave. Cause the floor was
psychic
. I just had to convince it that it could hold my feet, and I could stand there just fine.
But that extra bit of effort distracted me from everything but my feet and Tzali's laugh as the Count said something. What? I tried to think back, but realized I hadn't heard a thing. She waved her hand to Magnum, her voice imperious as she offered her arm to the count as daintily as...well, a Princess.
Slave, I wish you to take my pleasure chattel to my room. Bodyguard, you will be with me.
She nodded to me. Magnum shot me a look that I was pretty sure commanding officer type people had shot newbies like me since the first caveman picked up a rock to throw at another caveman's head under orders from a third, only tangentially related, caveman.
That look said: Don't fuck this up, kid.
I chose to ignore he was only a year older than me and nodded solemnly.
***
The interior of the castle was just as fantastical as the exterior. The corridors arched overhead and witchfire seemed to thrum along the walls in regular intervals, providing a brilliant illumination to the interior. The walls were opaque – more like Dr. Manhattan's butt than the stone, but I wasn't about to complain – and the other inhabitants were scarce. We walked past one another Doyen who was hurrying down another corridor and away from us, two mindless slaves who walked along in crystal slippers and swept up bits of detritus off the floor (very carefully, as every brush sent the dirt skidding for what seemed like
miles
on the frictionless surface) and that was it.
Tzali sniffed.
Quite crowded...
she said.
Oh, yes,
the Count said.
My apologies for being so tight here, oh my lady. But ever since the attack that House Fenzor managed to pull off, everyone is tetchy.
Is that why you moved the capital here?
The tiny frisson of suspicion that flared across the Count's face was pretty fucking obvious. Like, if this had been a poker game, I'd have assumed that he had just drawn a straight red poker. Er, a full flush? I had never played poker. But I'd have assumed it would have been a bad hand. Or a hand that made him think that the other guy had had a better hand. Whatever. The upshot I'm going for here is that he was
not
a very good poker player. But I saw no 'aha' on Tzali's face. Was she a better poker player?
Well...yes,
he said.
A polar orbit is more difficult. So, a polar base is harder to easily strike.
He didn't mention their stargate. Was it still in their old planetary capital?
The Count stopped beside a wall that seemed like every single other fucking bit of all in this maze of a place. But he gestured towards it and said:
Your chambers, my dear.
Tzali inclined her head, waved her hand, and
created
a doorway in the shimmering corridor wall. We walked through, her and I, and she waved to shut the door in the Count's face. Booyah! And with that door shutting, Tzali dropped her rump into a bed that flowed itself up out of the floor and, with her rump, she dropped her whole 'I am Tzali, queen bitch of the multiverse' attitude and was simply Ali again. I knelt down before her and took her hands in mine, smiling at her. She smiled back, wanly, but her ears drooped.
"You okay?" I asked.
"Oh, that's clever," she said, grinning. "No one will be listening for vocal communication! Hah!" She leaned forward and she
kissed
me. Now, it had been a few hours since I had gotten snogged by Ali. And that was enough time to forget how total and complete a kiss from a Doyen princess is. Her tongue flooded into my mouth as her delicate fingers caressed my cheeks, her pseudo-claws teasing my skin as her tongue slithered down my throat. My eyes widened, then closed as I kissed her back. Pfft. Breathing was for people not currently kissing Ali. Her hands slipped from my cheeks to my neck, tugging me back onto the bed. I let myself slide against her, feeling her silky smooth skin, the faint bumps of her crystaline armor. Then the kiss broke, her tongue actually remaining in my mouth as she lolled her head backwards. Then the tongue popped free and my hands went to her crystal armor, yanking and tugging at it.
"Yes..." She whispered as her breasts bounced free. Her nipples were hard enough that I was surprised they hadn't
cut
