Warning: Contains large amounts of testosterone.
The Marriage of Sigurd the Slayer
A bawdy and bloody tale told by the skald Jorgen Borgen
In the unforgiving northern wastelands of Vulgarismagis, there lived the greatest berserker warrior ever. His name was Sigurd the Slayer. Sigurd was a mountain of a man with a magnificent red beard with three big braids. He wielded a gigantic battleaxe and a humongous cock inside his trousers. He wasn't called The Slayer for nothing for he has slain many men and monsters. He slayed some with his giant axe and some with his meaty mighty fists. He also slayed women with the great club inside his pants. Sigurd was a true man among men. He brought feasts of plenty to men, he wrestled with gods and vanquished giants and trolls. Even the elves, with their dark eldritch powers, found him too powerful to defeat. He was so strong and so battle-crazy he'd spare the lives of some enemies so that he could fight them another day. That was how legendary Sigurd the Slayer was. Hell, he even has a mammoth steed named Tuskar.
Sigurd the Slayer had many lovers but he wished to settle down one day upon reaching the age of forty winters. None of the women he had fornicated was worthy to be his wife for they'd surely perish in the constant battles he faced. "I will find a battle bride who can fight like me and fuck like me or I die unmarried and alone!" He declared. However, his mother Andora, a very wise crone with prophetic powers, gave him very helpful advice. "My strong and addle-brained son, there is a woman who is worthy of thy affections. Her name is Vilde the Violent and she is as beautiful as she is strong. She is the daughter of the half-giant Thagar the Terrible and the dark elf Grimadarka. Vilde the Violent has a strong crazy thick child-birthing body impervious to weapons and mountainous breasts that will please thee immensely. Her long fair locks floweth like a golden waterfall. She is very good in both bed and battle. I foresee that she is destined to be thy warrior wife."
"Mother! Despite thy hag-like appearance, thou art truly wise! Tell me where I can find this fabled female! When I return with Vilde the Violent in my arms, thou shalt have have grandchildren!" Sigurd said. His loins burn with love for a woman he has never met.
"My oafish ox of a son, thou will go straight north pass the end of Salmon River. There, thou shalt reach Smorgasbord, Thagar the Terrible's village. Beware for no man has ever defeated Vilde the Violent. Defeat her and she shall be yours." Andora answered.
"Then I shall go on a long and perilous journey with a very significant chance of no return. The elements are very harsh these days and giants and trolls are a lot more active this winter. Oh how cruel life is in an unforgiving fantasy land based on, albeit very loosely, Norse mythology! Oh how I wish I was born in a safer and less grim place like Skyrim or Ikea! Gods bless Skyrim and their mighty Stormcloak warriors and their mead with juniper berries and tiny umbrellas! Gods bless Ikea and their affordable furniture and tasty meatballs slathered with lingonberry sauce! Tis a hard decision but nevertheless, I, Sigurd the Slayer, must trudge on and face life's greatest challenges ahead of me in the very vast icy wasteland of Vulgarismagis where danger is everywhere and I could die at any time despite my huge muscles and incredible rizz. Fare thee well, mother! My true love awaits for my big heart full of love and my hard cock full of sperm! Jonarr witness my deeds!"
"Sigurd, Thagar's village is just fifteen minutes away."
"Then I shall be back before supper!"
Thus, Sigurd climbed atop of his mighty mammoth steed Tuskar and head off to the village of Smorgasbord.
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Inside the Great House of Smorgasbord up in the north, Chief Thagar, a strong and tall elderly man, pleaded with his buff buxom blonde daughter over the matter of marriage.
"My daughter... please stop this madness! Thou hast already killed so many of thy suitors! Just pick a man and marry him!" Thagar the Terrible was really exasperated at this moment.
"Never, father! My thirst for blood outweighs my thirst for cock! The only man worthy of marrying me is the victor in my challenge!" Vilde the Violent boldly answered. Her father paused for a moment and blinked.
"Wait, did thou just say 'thirst for cock'? Seriously, Vilde. Normal people do not refer to cocks when they make dramatic boasts..." Thagar said. His daughter laughed heartily.
"I am no normal person, father! I am above normal! Thou could say that I am abnormal! In fact, the skalds are now calling me Vilde the Abnormal in their ballads!" The half-elf, quarter-giant warrior woman boasted. Chief Thagar face-palmed.
"Vilde, that is not what 'abormal' means..." A mammoth's loud trumpeting was heard outside the great house. "By the gods, what now!!??"
"I am here!" Sigurd the Slayer announced quite dramatically. He stood up from his mammoth steed Tuskar and then slid down his trunk in a cartoonish manner. "Yabba dabba do you have any mead?" He asked after making a superhero landing.
"By Wyrdyn's beard! Who the Hel are you!!?" Thagar asked furiously. He was so stressed, veins threatened to pop out of his forehead.
"I am Sigurd the Slayer! Son of Bogart the Explorer and Andora the Seeress! Unaliver of Giants! Thrasher of Trolls! Owner of the Midgard Trouser Serpent! I wish to take thy daughter Vilde the Violent as my battle bride!" Sigurd declared with a proud grin. Thagar turned to his daughter and spoke.
"Vilde, of all the suitors who came for thee, this is so far the only one I want thou to kill. Do thy thing."
Vilde took one look at Sigurd and saw what she liked. Such a big and strong man who rides a mammoth surely could beat her in the challenge. She started speaking to the legendary warrior.
