The Goodbye

Somewhere in Jen’s foggy mind as she slept, she could hear the sound of her alarm going off. She groaned as she stretched in her queen size four poster bed. She reached over to turn the volume down on the radio, the familiar DJ’s voice droning over the radio waves telling her it was going to be a beautiful day. Jen cringed at that statement wishing she could be able to enjoy it. She snuggled down more under the covers wanting the day to be done with already. She felt so exhausted she could have turned over and went back to sleep for the next four hours.

Jen had not slept well the night before, she woke up feeling like she just fell asleep five minutes ago. She felt a knot form deep in the pit of her stomach. She did not want to get up and face this day. This dreaded day. Jen knew it would come once a year on the same date and if this one was painful she couldn’t imagine what the rest of her life would feel like. Why couldn’t it have been cold, gray and rainy, she thought? It would have fit how she was feeling perfectly. She turned her head facing the other half of the bed and stared at it for a moment feeling even more forlorn and lonely. She sighed a sad sigh and slid her hand across to the other side and caressed her hand across the untouched blanket and pillow. She wanted to scream out loud to the world and to God about how unfair it was that she had to live while her husband of four years had to die. Reminiscing about the horrific day brought tears to her eyes and her whole body turned cold. Today would have been their 5th anniversary.

Sometimes Jen could not accept the fact that Alex was not there anymore, she would come home from work some nights expecting him to be there greeting her, she would go to bed at night expecting to feel his strong arms come around her as she slipped into peaceful sleep. She expected to wake up in the middle of the night and find him looking at her with love in his eyes watching her sleep. God, how she missed him. The way he made her feel every time she looked at him. After the accident, Jen had been so traumatized at the events that took place she had been in shock for months afterward. She didn’t know if she could ever recover or let go of him. She had spent a month in the hospital healing from her injuries with countless weeks of rehab. She had lived.

It happened a month and a half after they celebrated their 4th anniversary. They had been driving home from a party at their friend’s house, it was around midnight. The rain pounding on the car was unrelenting and you couldn’t see any more than 5 feet in front of you. Jen remembered that she had held his hand on the way home, she had always had to touch him in some way. Jen had looked over at him admiring him in the darkened car, in disbelief that she had gotten so lucky and that Alex was the greatest thing that would ever happen to her. She had leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek telling him that she loved him so much. He turned his head for a second to gaze into her eyes but that’s all it took. A blinding light took over the car, the headlights of the other car were right in front of us heading straight for them. He had swerved to avoid hitting head on into the other vehicle and lost control on the slick road and they swerved off the road and slammed into a tree. Everything had been so quiet after that. So quiet and still. Jen couldn’t get the awful sound of smashing metal out of her head. She had lost consciousness for several minutes before she came to. She was in so much pain she couldn’t move, some of her ribs were broken along with her leg that had been trapped. She had not dared to move anything else but she had to see Alex so she turned her head.

Alex looked so peaceful with his eyes closed. He had died instantly. The drunk driver in the other car had swerved as well and rolled over into the embankment on the other side of the road and had died as well, later at the hospital. Jen had never experienced such anguish as she had at that moment. It was as if everything happened in slow motion. She knew Alex was gone and she couldn’t do anything about it, she had been trapped, unable to move. A feeling of coldness had started to travel through her body and the intense pain she felt was starting to ease. This is what dying feels like, she thought. I’m going to be with my husband soon and everything will be fine. Her world went black after that and the next time she woke up she had been in a hospital bed in a coma for a week. When she remembered what had happened and that she was still alive, the sorrow for everything that had happened overcame her and she cried for her husband, for her, for the unfairness of it all and the fact that she would never see Alex again.

As Jen went back to that fateful night like she has done so many times, tears streamed down her face.

“Alex, I miss you so much and I love you. I need you.”

She had always prayed to God wanting to know why this happened and always asked for a sign from Alex to let her know that he was ok. She didn’t feel like she could ever let go and move on, her days ever since the accident were a big haze. She felt like her body was keeping her alive, her heart and soul had died with Alex.

Jen buried her head into her pillow and sobbed. They were supposed to go to the Bahamas for their 5th, planning it way before everything happened. They were going to go for two weeks and it was to be the most important time of their life. They were going to start trying to get pregnant. This trip would have changed their lives for the better. Instead she was here in bed alone, saddened by what could have been.

She pulled back the covers and got up slowly, going to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and she saw a pale face with dark circles under her eyes staring back. She had not been taking care of herself she knew that. It didn’t matter now, she thought. She stared at herself for a few minutes until the image in the mirror started to become distorted and she didn’t recognize who that person was. She bent down and washed her face with cold water trying to rub the exhaustion out of her puffy eyes. Jen disrobed and stepped into the shower. She let the hot stream of water relax her a little bit, it flooded over her body running down until it ended up in the drain.

She leaned against the wall of the shower letting it run over her head and down her back. She knew it would darken her world even more but she closed her eyes imaging Alex there with her. He was pressed up against the back of her body, his hands running with the water down her body touching her breasts, her tummy and then reaching down to her triangle opening her lips and teasing what was inside. She let her hand slide down her body, imaging it was him touching and loving her. Her hand touched herself and she found her clit. She slowly circled her way around it keeping her eyes closed. The sound of the water rushing out overhead muffled her soft moan as her fingers continued to send pins and prickles of pleasure through her. She could feel Alex pressing into her touching her where she was touching herself now. She imagined their fingers intertwined, his lips on the back of her neck, his tongue hot against her wet skin. Her body started to move as she imagined their hands moving over her vaginal lips and rubbing across her clit. The tension built up inside her and she came, her face up against the wall of the shower with her eyes closed, breathing hard. She stood like that for a minute before she realized where she was and she opened her eyes.

Jen looked around her and grim reality closed in and she turned the shower off. She dried herself off and walked back into her bedroom, deciding that she didn’t want to go out and face the world today. She crawled back into bed without anything on her body and covered herself up. She laid on her stomach and put her face in the pillow and closed her eyes.

Jen didn’t know how long she had been sleeping but something was happening she just wasn’t sure what. She opened her eyes and saw that she was still in her room but it looked different. There was a glow about it making everything look softer. She was alarmed and sat up in bed forgetting she was naked. The blanket fell to her waste and she sat there with her breasts in plain view but she didn’t notice. There standing at the edge of the bed was Alex looking handsome as ever.

“Jen”, was all he said. His voice was the same but it seemed more angelic, there was something to it that warmed her inside.

Jen thought she was dreaming. She probably was but she didn’t want this dream to end. He seemed so real standing there so tall and lean with the glow of the room as his background. Her breath was taken away by the sight of him.

“Alex, Alex, Alex”, she whispered over and over not believing that he was standing there. She got up from the bed and walked to where he was. Her eyes started to well up with tears as she came to stand before him. She was afraid to touch him, she would be devastated if she reached out and felt nothing. “Alex, I can’t believe this, why have you come to me?”

By this time tears were running down her face, she had missed him so much and now he was standing here gazing at me with such love in his eyes. She had to see if he was real, she had to take that chance. Her arm slowly reached toward him bringing her hand up to his face. She hesitated before bringing all the way to his cheek. Her hand met flesh. “Oh, my God”, she whispered.

“Jen, I am here to say goodbye to you. You have so much more to live for, I want you to move on and live your life. You are still alive because you were not meant to be taken, you still have much to accomplish in your life, so much love to give.” Alex brought his hand up and gently wiped away the tears from her eyes caught the ones that fell on her cheeks.

“Alex, I can’t live without you, my life is nothing without you, I need you so much. It felt like my heart just stopped the moment you were taken away from me, I feel like my soul is gone. You were both of those, Alex, please don’t leave me.” Jen cried as she looked through her teared eyes at him. She had kept her hand on his cheek and now moved closer until her whole body was up against his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him against her as tight as she could. His arms came up and wrapped around her waist so that they were so close she felt like they were one person.

“Jen, my beautiful Jen. Just because I am not here it does not mean that you aren’t in my heart. Do not feel guilty for letting me go, I know that you will always love me and will keep a part of me with you but if you keep this pent up inside you for the rest of your life, you will have learned nothing. It was an unfortunate accident but it was my time to go. You have to let me go Jen, please let me go and go on with your life. You have many wonderful things planned for you and you cannot enjoy them if you are stuck feeling like you can’t go on. I love you so much and we will be together again one day but this is your time, Jen, please do this for me.”

She sobbed against his neck, she felt the warmth radiate off of his skin and she held him as she cried and cried, the tears streaming down her cheeks.

“My sweet Jen, let me go, let me go”, he said softly against her hair. His hand came up and he ran his fingers through her soft brown hair, bringing back the hair from her face and then coming to rest on her face. He wiped her tears away with his thumb, she felt the warmth go through her every time he touched her.

“Alex, please make love to me. Please, please, please…”, she said urgently.

He brought his head down and planted soft kisses on her wet face as he gloved her face with his hands. His lips came to rest on hers and stayed there for a moment. He tasted the salt of her tears on her lips as he continued to softly kiss her mouth. He brought his head up and looked deeply into her eyes. Jen was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, even when he wasn’t alive. He knew this would be the last time they would be together and he wanted to give her what she asked for. He brought his face down again and this time when he met her lips, he pressed hard enough and her lips opened to him welcoming his tongue that passed through into her mouth, searching and meeting with her own. She moaned into his mouth as their tongues swirled and played with each other.

“Oh God, Alex, I need you so much please make love to me”, she moaned out once their kiss broke. She took his hand and walked toward the bed. She never lost eye contact with him as he went with her. She leaned up and kissed him again. She knew she would not have long with him and wanted to make every moment last. She raised her hands to his shirt and unbuttoned it showing a little bit more of his chest with each button that came undone. She brought her eyes down to his chest as she slid his shirt off of him. Her hands came up and rested on his heart. She knew this was a dream and that he wasn’t alive but his heart was beating in his chest; it was a dream but somehow she knew this moment was real and he had come to her so she could say goodbye.

She pressed her lips to his chest and she darted her tongue out to taste him. He tasted like she remembered, oh how she missed him. She brought her mouth to rest on one of his nipples and closed over it sucking on it and rolling her tongue over it. He let out a small groan and brought his hands up into her hair and held her there. Her hands went down to the waist of his pants and she undid the button and the zipper. His hands came to her face and he brought it up so that she was looking at him.

“Jen, do you realize this is our last time together?”

“Yes”, she said in a small voice. “Alex, I want this so much I hurt. When I realized that I could touch you I knew that I had to do this with you. After the accident, I was devastated over losing you and I felt like nothing could make me live again. I want nothing more right now but you inside me. Please, I have to feel you inside me one last time.”

Alex brought his arms around her naked body and brought her up against him. She could feel the bulge down below pressing against her abdomen. Jen felt nothing but desire for Alex as her body tingled everywhere he touched her. Their mouths met once again and the kiss was more hot as their tongues made love to one another. Her hands pushed his pants down and he threw them aside with his foot. They stood there in one another’s arms, both unclothed looking at each other. He pushed her back onto the bed and she laid there on her back as his eyes moved down her body. She didn’t know how but she felt like his hands were on her body wherever he was looking. She squirmed on the bed needing to feel him on top of her. He knew what she was thinking and kneeled on the bed above her, his knee falling between her legs. He brought his lips to her neck and made circles with his tongue along her racing pulse. He moved down to her chest and took both of her breasts in his hands as he stared at the beauty of them. He was in awe of her and ran his hands over them, rubbing her nipples with his fingers, pinching them every so often.

Jen wiggled under him moaning as he assaulted her breasts. She had to have his mouth on them and so she held his head and brung it down. He covered her breast with his hot mouth and gently started to suck on it. She cried out his name as his mouth devoured her. She didn’t know if she could take more of this, she was already in so much ecstasy. She felt his tongue swirl around her nipple and she felt it harden even more. She started to rub her clit against his knee, the sensation of it caused lights to flash before her eyes. Alex could feel the wetness of her against his knee and he started to grind it against her and she moaned louder as she tried to thrust more against it.

He let go of her nipple and went lower, grazing his lips along her stomach. He parted her legs more and he gazed lovingly at her patch of dark hair. “Jen, you are so beautiful”, he whispered before lowering his head and flicking his tongue across her wet lips. Jen raised her hips off of the bed at the touch of his mouth on her. Through her half closed eyes she saw him move his mouth over her, move his tongue inside, and start to caress it over her clit. He brought his hand to rest at her vaginal hole, feeling how wet she was.

“Alex, please..I need to feel you inside me…mmmm..please!”, she cried out to the room. The way he was making her feel brought her heart close to bursting as well as her body. Alex continued to move his mouth and hand over her, working together as Jen moved her hips in small circles moan after moan escaping from her. “Alex..please..I’m begging!”

Alex finally moved his mouth away from her to kiss her skin as he came up her body. Without a word, he moved between her legs and entered her, sliding himself slowly inside her. She threw her head back as he filled her, feeling like she was in heaven with him. This is what it was, it was heaven. He was letting me experience a little bit of what heaven feels like, she thought. Tears came to her eyes and she looked at him as he came all the way into her. She wrapped her legs and arms around him. They stayed in that position for a few minutes, doing nothing but relish in the moment and appreciate the time they had together.

Alex started to move in small thrusts and soon she moved with him, in one motion, in one rhythm.

“Jen, I love you so much”, he said against her ear. “I want you to feel me as much as I feel you.” He groaned into her neck as desire went through him. He continued to move in and out of her, never moving any farther away from her then he had to. “This is our last time together, I want you to remember this always. Let me help heal you.”

She nodded and buried her head in his neck as he moved faster. She began to contract her muscle around his shaft, making it tighter for him and all the love that she felt for him welled up inside her. He brought his lips down to her nipple and nibbled it, hearing her moan. She kept her eyes on him the whole time, feeling like if she closed her eyes just once he would disappear. She needed to feel the release both of them needed, she needed closure to start healing.

This was different, she could almost feel what he was feeling and thinking and he could feel what I was feeling. Jen was overwhelmed, all of the anger and the sorrow that she had been holding back for the past year flooded through her. She let the emotions flow through her. They absorbed in her desire and love that she had in her heart and body. She had to end this with peace or she wouldn’t end it.

As Alex came into her over and over again she brought her hands up to his face so that he was looking down at her. “My sweet Alex, my love, I’m letting you go, I will go on with my life, I will no longer be angry over losing you, I forgive the other driver for what he did. Alex, Alex..” All of the feelings that she had had intensified and she could feel the release coming. It was near, they both knew it. She had to let go and she was ok with it. “Alex, I will always love you and I will never forget you. Thank you for everything you gave me and that you have come back to give me. I will let you go in peace.”

Alex and Jen’s mouths came together at the same time as their bodies moved closer to the edge. She kept her legs and arms wrapped around him as their mouths meshed together and all at once it all came crashing down upon them. It felt like a tornado was moving through her and she screamed out her release. She felt like her system was being cleansed of all that she had been feeling last year as Alex came with her, releasing himself inside her. She had him held so tightly to her she didn’t know where she ended and he began. She felt his liquid warm her insides and she contracted hard around him. She didn’t notice the tears escaping from her eyes as she hugged him to her, saying goodbye.