You know you drank too much when you wake up somewhere you don't remember going. You know you drank way too fucking much when that place is another world. I was doing great too. We were on our fifth Jaeger bomb when that smarmy weasel of a bartender took me aside.
He had only one eye, I could tell by the eye patch. But, there was something less than human about this guy.
"The fuck do you want? I told you we were paying the tab at the end of the night." Wow, those Jaeger bombs sneak up on you.
"Relax guy," he seemed to hiss "I just wanted to make you an offer."
"I'm no fag. . ."
"No, no" he laughed "I wanted to give you a chance to drink some stuff that you can't get anywhere in the States."
Every time I go to Windsor they try and sell me that Absinthe crap. "If it's green, I'm not interested."
"Oh, it's not green. Just five bucks and you get a whole glass of it."
A whole glass? "Five Canadian, or do you want real money?"
"US currency if you please."
Eh, a whole glass for five bucks? Why not.
That's about when it hit me, and I woke up here. The bartender brought out this stuff, looked like some kinda rainbow or something. I should have thought twice, but I was drunk, and the only thing better than getting drunk is getting more drunk. So, I drank. I couldn't tell you what it tasted like. At that time of the night, I could have drank iced dog piss and not told you the difference. Things started spinning after that, but, that's normal.
What wasn't normal was waking up here. I was in the woods, I think, except for some dirt track that split through. Which way was west, and which way was east? I couldn't quite figure out. Eh well, I still had my wallet, and I could easily call a cab just as soon as I got to a phone. So, I started hoofing it in one direction.
About ten minutes or so after walking, I heard a noise behind me. I turned around to see a horse-drawn carriage coming down the road. "Amish, eh?" Well, if nothing else, they'd be good for a ride.
As soon as they came into view, I started waving my hands to flag them down. The folks pulled their carriage to a halt, and what I saw driving the thing wasn't Amish at all. These folks were downright Medieval. "Good morrow sir, how may I be of assistance?" The driver asked.
"Uh, yeah, I had a rough night at the bar last night, and I could use a ride to the nearest payphone."
"Payphone?"
"Yeah, you know 'ring, ring, send a cab, make sure he speaks English.'"
"English?"
"You know, that language you and I are speaking?"
"Oh, we speak Cartagran."
"The fuck?"
"Foul peasant!"
The driver spurred his horses on and left. Shit, I guess I was going to have to walk.
Now, I'm no astronomer or anything, but the last time I checked we only have one sun. Now, when I got out of the woods, there were two of those things staring me right in my bloodshot, hung-over eyes. One sun is enough of a bitch when your head is pounding, but two? Get fucking real here, this is just overkill. Another carriage came down the road. I wasn't going to fuck this one up.
"Good morrow" I screamed.
The carriage came to a halt, and three chicks that looked like nuns were driving it. "Good morrow" they replied in unison.
"Good fair ladies, shall we introduce ourselves?" Okay, I was grasping on this one.
"We are sisters of the hidden rod. We are heading into the city to rejoin our cloister."
"Good ladies, I am Walt of Detroit. Would it trouble you to give me a ride into town?"
"Oooooooooo" They preened. And soon I was getting a ride into town.