The Fair Fortune Of Ned The Ugly

The day I met Tori is probably something I'll always remember. I was traveling the Argyle Highway (so called for the unusual configuration of cobblestones requested by the geomancer in charge of the project) towards the west, the direction in which all things tend to travel. I was alone, just wandering the countryside from town to town, when I heard a bellow in the distance and looked up to see a cloak-clad minotaur charging at me from around a bend in the road before me.

Thinking I was beset by marauders, I reached to draw my sword and was most upset to recall that I'd lost it in a game of dice two nights before, to some weasly fellow who I was now certain had been cheating. I looked up with a sense of very immediate forboding, and prepared my groveling face. My apparent assailant drew rapidly closer and moments later pulled up short before me. Looking up, I was surprised to readily recognize that this was a female before me (and a rather attractive one, at that), and struck dumb when she smiled cheerfully at me and and announced in stumbling Orcish, "Greetings! I am a peace offering from the elders of the stone-skull clan, who send their humble respects!"

I thought she must have failed to properly dictate her message, until she pulled her robe open to show me her heaving peace offerings, right at the level of my eyes. I am not the luckiest of men, the gods saw fit to grace me with an extra helping of body hair, and oversized ears flanking an exceedingly round head, perched on a neck as thick as a tree trunk.

Prettier men often curse me for being ogre-blooded, and while I always swear them off I wonder if had I known my parents, might I not take the idea more seriously. At any rate, I don't see fit to complain about my lot in life, but if my eyesore features aren't enough, my most truly ogrish feature (it's like the gods were compensating for everything else and went overboard with the man-bits) do a good job of affording me many more opportunities to admire the backside of the fairer sex than any of their other angles--mostly while they're running out the door. But here I was, in the presence of what I had to admit was the most comely minotaur woman I'd ever heard of.

To be fair, I didn't know minotaurs even came in the female variety. And if I understood correctly (I was pretty sure that I did) she was making an offering of herself to me. I suppose my prolonged silence (and staring at her chest) was misinterpreted, because after a moment she shifted uncomfortably and her smile vanished. "Is something wrong? Please, I got lost on the way and I have been running for two days. If you will not have me, I have failed my clan. I am ready to serve you however you please!"

Feeling vaguely suspicious, I nevertheless dared to wonder if perhaps the gods were rewarding me for my grudging good-naturedness. Silently thankful that I spoke Orcish, I muttered "Hell yes, I'll have you...." in the common tongue under my breath and looked up, only to see her crack an excited smile "Oh, you speak Mirish!"

I began to correct her, then brushed it off. Every little kingdom from the Cradle of the Sun to the western cliffs claimed their own tongue, and travelers like myself just learned to ignore the fact that it was all, in fact, the same language. The local patriots generally took exception when they thought you were taking away their national identity, even when it wasn't theirs to claim in the beginning. It hardly seemed wise to test if minotaurs felt the same about it.

"Sure I do. Odd thing for you to address someone in orcish first, 'specially with you not being an orc. And just as odd to be running down the highway wearing nothing but a leather cloak. I suppose you could toss any bandits fool enough to assault you clear across the highway, but even a girl of your size must get cold...?"

She shrugged, and I took careful note of the bounce of her firm, round breasts, and the lesser bounce of the heavy brass rings she wore through her exceptionally large nipples. A third, matching ring hung from her septum, and her tongue flicked at it idly while her eyes lowered to her own form. "It's not so bad if you keep moving. And anyways, I'm wearing a loin cloth." I scoffed, and retorted "Not much of one... A stiff breeze would show me your promised land, there." I gestured towards her nethers.

Her eyes went wide at that, and she asked innocently "Do you want to see it?" She hastily tucked the skimpy scrap of modesty into the string holding it up, providing me with a complete and unabridged view of her biological features. She shifted suddenly as if impatient, and continued "At any rate, I'm ready whenever you are. If you need to talk to your... men, or whoever... I will wait for you."

Puzzled, I eyed her with that same suspicion I felt, like perhaps this was some kind of trick. "Ready for what?" "Sex, of course. I am my clan's most beautiful, and I've been sent to serve your pleasure." She made her words sound like a proclamation, clearly proud of her status. "What, right here in the road?" She shrugged "Unless you have a tent set up...?" I looked around demonstratively, and shrugged. "No tent, no men..."

I gestured towards the base of a large oak tree off the side of the road, which was surrounded with a thick grass that looked likely to be more comfortable than a lumpy, ill-maintained cobblestone road. She threw her leather cloak down and lay on it, her legs curled under her, and gave me an inviting look, something which I'd never been privy to in this situation.

I dropped my small pack and undressed myself with all reasonable haste, taking the time to really look her over. Her breasts were lovely, shapely and full, and her skin was an even golden tan, giving way to a delicate pink in her tender places. Her face was framed in a tumble of wavy yellow hair that looked remarkably well-groomed, not the least bit tangled or laden with debris. The golden riot was pierced by a pair of long, sharp horns protruding straight out to each side from just behind her temples. The absurdity of the notion stuck with me, but I didn't care--I was going to make it with a minotaur, and a right sexy one, and the working stiffs in the next town didn't ever need to know.

Her face actually lit up when I slid off my pants, it didn't take me long to figure out that being (I estimated) close to eight feet tall, she might be just the woman to appreciate the one good thing I had too much of. I pushed her loincloth out of the way, and we spent the next half hour amidst much grunting, swearing, praying, and agreeing, and much to my surprise, she cut loose with an enthusiastic "MmmoooOOOOOoo!" when she reached her climax. Despite her odd mannerisms, it was every bit as rewarding an experience as I had hoped, and with pride I noted that when we were done, she wore a goofy, satisfied expression. Her eyes closed, she giggled softly, and murmured "I had heard that you're very thorough when it comes to war, but I guess that's not all!"

Just like that I realized I might never get another chance with a woman like this, brute or no. Apprehensive, I asked her "How long will you stay?" Her eyes opened and turned towards me. "I'm yours now, warlord. I'll stay with you forever if you'll have it. It would be a token of goodwill between my people and yours."

Excitement rose within me and crashed like a wave, then slowly receded as I realized the entirety of what she'd said. Warlord. I considered this for several long moments, during which she began to grow agitated. Finally, I ventured another question. "How long have you been looking for me, then?" She blushed and looked away, slightly embarrassed. "Oh... A few days... Perhaps a week... I was daydreaming when I reached the crossroads and I turned west without noticing, I didn't realize my mistake for a few days and I had to backtrack. The elders told me that you would be the first one I met on the road, I'm glad I found you before you turned north."

I'd reached the Argyle Highway just a few days earlier, coming up from a southern road, and had been following a small army of goblinoids on a war campaign. The crossroads she spoke of were a mere half day's march ahead, I'd planned to camp there come nightfall. If she hadn't encountered them, they must have already turned north. Memory returned to me, a rumor I'd heard on the southern road, that the war band was led by a ruthless brute of an ogre.

Understandable I supposed how this minotaur would make the association, if she'd never seen a real ogre before. She had missed her intended betrothed, and mistaken me for the ogre tyrant she was sent to meet. I considered the situation, and thought perhaps she had come out the better for her mistake. Regardless, her youthful enthusiasm for her task would be crushed, not to mention her clan identity, if I told her that she had failed and that her clansmen were likely dead by now. And I wasn't sure I could bear the idea of her leaving me for an ogre, even were it the case that her mission was not already failed.

It was decided, I supposed, and I gave an inward sigh. I was a warlord now. I climbed to my feet, brushed myself off, and gathered my belongings. "What's your name anyway?" "Tori." I replied "Ned," and immediately wished I hadn't. Tori looked at me, confused. "The elders told me that your name was Hezuul Face-breaker" I cleared my throat, and nodded "Yeah, that's right. I got something caught in my throat. Hezuul."

She gave me a funny look, but didn't say anything else about it. Instead she cut loose with an enormous yawn, then glanced down the road. "Where is your army?" Thinking quickly, I replied casually "I ordered them to stay behind me. They're noisy. I'm going to go talk to them, wait here." "Okay."

Wandering of down the road, I walked out of view before stepping off the road to relieve myself against a tree, and consider the situation. I felt slightly guilty for deceiving the girl, but I felt fairly certain that if any of the rumors I'd heard about the real Hezuul Face-breaker were true, her respected elders had sold her down the river in hopes of saving their skins. The ogre was wandering the country, pillaging and burning for the joy of destruction, taking no prisoners. It was unlikely that their 'peace offering' was likely to spare the clan if they were in the path of the war band, and Tori's fate surely would have been at least as bad.

I heard a soft babble of water somewhere nearby and ventured into the woods, finding a trickling stream I'd missed the last time I passed by. I splashed some water on my face and lingered for a few minutes, before starting back to where I'd left the minotaur.

When I found her again, she was dozing softly. Charmed, I watched her for a few moments, then sat beside her on the leather cloak and carefully fingered the thick brass ring threaded through one of her pink nipples. Her eyes fluttered open after a moment, and she rolled flat onto her back and smiled up at me. "You're much nicer than I'd heard. Ogres are supposed to be mean and loud." I shrugged, "Mostly, the people who tell stories about ogres are men, and mostly they're fighting. Fighting men are always mean and loud."

That seemed to make sense to her, she nodded and her eyes wandered up towards the treetops, unconcerned by my groping. Reluctantly, I admitted to myself that I should probably be moving on. I wasn't expecting the army to backtrack, there were more places to raid ahead of them than ahead of me, so I meant to camp at the crossroads still. Heaving a gentle sigh, I pulled myself to my feet, and extended a hand to Tori. "We should be moving on."

She took my hand with a slightly questioning look, then climbed to her feet without my help. Kneeling, she was not much shorter than I was on my feet. Stepping carefully off her cloak so as not to punch holes in the leather with her hooves, she scooped it up and struggled with it one-handed until I released her other hand.

Once she'd gotten the garment on again she took my hand once more, which I decided was alright, even though it made me feel even shorter. "We need to find you some clothes," I said, and she shrugged, and said simply, "Sure." We headed back to the road, hand in hand, and I felt a profound happiness creep over me.

After perhaps half an hour of walking, Tori glanced behind us. "You're sure your men are back there? I don't hear a thing." "I told them to piss off," I explained. She didn't press the issue any further. We walked silently after that, until the sun was low in the sky and the crossroads neared. "Let's make camp there," I said, and my new companion just nodded amiably. Following a worn wagon rut off the road we found a clearing obviously meant for camping.

In little time I had a small fire crackling cheerfully, and I dug in my pack for dinner. Pulling out some jerky, I stuck a piece in my mouth, and offered some to Tori. She looked at it and blanched slightly. "Wha' w'ong?" I asked around my food. She looked at me sheepishly, and murmured "...I'm a vegetarian."

I wondered if she meant that minotaurs were herbivores, or that she had a dietary standard, but I didn't ask. Feeling silly but refusing to show it, I put half the jerky away and fished out some hard tack baked from crushed oats and molasses and some other things I couldn't identify. I hated the stuff, it would be most convenient if she preferred it.

She took the biscuit and looked it over. Apparently it was satisfactory, because she smiled and nodded, and took a big bite. "'anks!" "Don'k men'on it," I mumbled in reply, and smiled back at her while we chewed. We finished eating, and I broke the silence first. "I always thought Minotaurs were supposed to have the head of a bull." Tori giggled, "That's just a legend. Aurog, one of our chieftains generations ago, lost his horns in a mating duel, and was so embarrassed he would go into battle wearing the head of the largest bull he could find. Couldn't see a thing, but he couldn't be talked out of it. He died that way--stumbled into a ravine and broke his neck. We still call that ravine Aurog's Fall."

We plugged away at making small talk for a little while, but she didn't know much about the world, and I kept having to brush off her questions about my army. Soon enough we gave up, and I started trying to figure out how we were both going to fit in my bedroll. Ultimately we ended up sleeping on her cloak, which was big enough for the two of us, with the bedroll atop us as a blanket. I undressed and slid in beside her, hoping to spoon up against her back in some effort to prove my masculine dominance, but realized quickly that her horns made it impossible not only for her to sleep on her side, but even to share a pillow.

Disappointed, I grudgingly settled in at her side, resting my head on her shoulder and draping my arm across her torso. My troubled pride was soothed by the discovery that although her body was amply muscled, her curves were slightly plump, and pleasantly soft. Pulling her a little closer, I suffered my hands to gently trace the contour of her other side while I drifted to sleep.

But contrary to my intentions my enthusiasm grew, and she did nothing to discourage my exploration. Before long I was on a tactile adventure across the still-new terrain of her body, exploring her hills and valleys, scaling the mountains of her breasts and daring the warm jungle between her smooth thighs. Her breathing quickened, and before long touching turned to kissing, and our bodies came alive. She drew her legs up against my sides when I shifted to kneel over her, and her loud, lusty cow call rang in my ears when I entered her. Weird though it was, I found it slightly arousing. It must have been the quality of her voice. Her lips were too great a stretch for me, so I settled for nibbling on her breasts, which seemed to suit her just fine.

We indulged ourselves in each other for a good long while, until we were both spent and satisfied, then finally settled down again to sleep. The fire had burned down to embers and our skin and bed was damp with sweat, but we were both warm. Sleep came easily then, and I hardly even minded that I was forced to cuddle up at her side like a boy.

The next morning I woke early, and rose without waking Tori, who apparently slept like a rock. Wandering off to find some water (and some fresh food, if I were lucky), my mind wandered as well. There was something that had been bothering me about the idea of reaching to the next town, but it wasn't until I was almost back at camp with a full water skin and a few small, tart apples in my pocket that I realized what it was. My traveling was over. I had been wandering for years for lack of any other purpose to my life, hoping I'd fall in the proverbial pot of honey, and here was my honey pot next to the camp fire.

The thought left me breathless and more than a little uncertain. What was next? I considered my options silently as I set out the apples and stowed my water skin, and slipped back into bed beside Tori, still clothed but wishing for her warmth. Eventually she woke and sat up slowly, stirring me from my thoughts. I sat up beside her and handed her an apple. "'morning. Breakfast?"

She smiled and took the apple, devouring it whole, and stretched. "I guess we better get packed up and get a move on, right?" I shook my head "I don't think we have very far to go today, let's take our time." She caught on quickly to what I was getting at, but we came to a silent agreement that breakfast was more important. I had decided that it even if she really meant to stay with me from now on, it couldn't hurt to take as much advantage of the situation as possible, and I was glad when she did not so much as even tease me about my sexual appetite. After eating she suggested something new, and after I agreed that it sounded like a good idea she found a suitable tree, knelt before it, and bracing herself with one hand she bent over and spread her lips with the other. Positively maddened by her display, I set about getting to know this new side of her with gusto. She grabbed the tree with both hands and urged me on with cries and moans and the occasional moo, and I did my best to reward her guileless generosity.

Later in the day we packed up camp, myself with a profound sense of satisfaction and well-being and her with a happy smile. I suspected by now that she was not the brightest color in the sunset, but her personality was absolutely pleasant, and she seemed to be enjoying our new partnership quite as much as I was, so I was more than willing to accept her as she was; horns, hooves, and height didn't make her any less the blond beauty in my eyes.

We ventured back out to the road and walked a short way down the road, finally reaching the fateful crossroads. I didn't have much use for crossroads generally, I always traveled west when I could. West was the way the world flowed, and travel was always easier. But today I stopped here, and turned south into the woods. Tori asked where we were going, but I waved her off gently. She would see.

After a few minutes of wandering back and forth, we found a clearing that suited me. I dropped my back, and shrugged, looking around. "Here we are." She looked around at the clearing, looked up, and then shrugged. "Where is here?" "Home," I said. "It doesn't look like much I guess, I'll have to build a house." She looked at be dubiously. "That's it? What about all the marauding?"

I looked back at her. "Look babe, I've been a lot of places, and seen a lot of trouble. There are a lot of angry men in the world, and the secret most of 'em don't want you to know is that most of the time, all they're really looking for out of life is the right woman and a place to settle down with her." She digested for a second, then a slow smile spread across her face "...so I'm the right woman?"