The Divine Gambit Ch 04

4. Legends Lost to Time

I awoke to the warm sunlight filtering through the curtains. The city outside was awake with life, and I found the noises intruding into my mind. Where I had been wasn't precisely abandoned countryside, but Philadelphia was a bustling metropolis by comparison. Beth clung needily to my side; Even in sleep, she refused to be distanced from me.

I felt torn. She had strong opinions on our entanglement, and the right thing to do was to accept them and respect them, if I could trust that they were her genuine beliefs. That doubt remained. Had I forced her to feel this way? Would the girl she was a week ago have agreed to this if I had given her that choice? She had practically thrown herself at me last night, begging for any of my attention. How would she feel if I could undo my changes to her and let her old self view what she had done? I felt obligated to undo my modifications and return her to how she was before I met her so that she could have the ability to choose, but I didn't know how.

If I found a way to do that, would she be happy? Is it better to have her return to how she was before I had meddled, even if she wouldn't be pleased, or was it better to have her changed and feel content now? She claimed she felt great now and had been lost and alone before, but could I even trust her thoughts? Had I changed her view to one that would resist me undoing changes? Would another modification even be a repair, or would it just be more damage?

The beast in my brain urged me to relinquish these thoughts. He had protected her because she was to be our mate; He hadn't forced her to do anything. He hadn't understood them, but he had listened to my desires and not simply commanded her to be ours. He saw her simply as a means to an end, but I didn't, and it wasn't disastrous to let me lead when dealing with humans. He hadn't changed her profoundly, or against her will, so we didn't need to worry about changing her back. For the first time, I felt some anxiety from him.

He hated the disconnect between us -- we would never be able to ascend while in constant internal discord. He insisted that he wouldn't do anything against my wishes unless it was absolutely life or death. I didn't trust him and he hated it. He wanted to rage and run wild and fight and destroy the disconnect between us -- but he was cognizant enough to understand that impulse would only increase our divide. His natural reactions to embrace destruction were only making his life harder.

I shook aside my inner turmoil -- it was too early to have an internal philosophical debate, and I was tired of fighting with the alien in my mind. I didn't even know if I could return her to how she was; Hopefully, Antonin could offer some advice whenever I was allowed to meet with him. Pestering Aisling about my relationship with a girl felt wrong, even if it was caused by my awakening. Perhaps I would ask her for advice -- after all, if I couldn't trust myself to interact with anyone, how could I offer services to her dominion? Or would revealing my weakness simply get me disposed of because I couldn't be trusted to provide benefits? Let's pretend I understood what assistance I could even offer.

Beth must've awoken as I tumbled over the thoughts in my mind because she asked me, "I can feel your... doubt? Guilt? Fear, maybe? What are you thinking about?"

I figured I owed her the truth. She said she loved me last night and then aggressively pursued me physically. Maybe it was just an emotional response to the massive changes in her life, and giving her insight into my thoughts would sober her a bit. It's not that I wanted to scare her off; the dragon roared about her being our mate and us needing her after all, but tempering her emotions would make me more comfortable. When I praised her, she practically glowed, but when she thought I had rejected her, she collapsed so utterly as if her world had ended in front of her eyes. I didn't want that level of power over someone.

Recognizing the sheer magnitude of power my otherwise thoughtless comments had over her was a terrifying realization. I was almost glad to have had this realization with her so that I could understand, correct, and further prevent it. Better than doing it as a public representative in Aisling's court. The beast thought I should say what I thought regardless of how others would feel -- after all, we were the leader of dragons in this region, and we were entitled to our opinions because of our strength. I ignored him and explained myself to Beth, attempting to consider how she felt.

"I'm scared of what I've done to you. I think I've fundamentally changed you, and it makes me uncomfortable to think I could have such an impact without your consent."

She thought for a moment before sitting up on the edge of the bed. "Maybe you did. I don't care. I'm the happiest I've been, probably ever. Not just because I came so hard last night, but that was great, too."

She stood and held a hand out to me. "C'mon, you need a shower before you meet your pet vampire. We made a bit of a mess, and you smell like it."

I groaned, hoping she would be more cautious with her words in front of anyone else. I gave her my hand and allowed her to pull me to my feet.

"Aren't you worried that I've taken your free will? That I've forced you to be this way and to be happy about it?"

"You haven't taken my free will. And if you've made me happy, why should it matter?"

"How can you know that I haven't taken your will? How can I trust your opinion on this when I may have tainted your entire perception?"

"Did you even have thoughts about rolling in bed with me before I dragged you into it? I know you didn't. You spent all day yesterday tolerating me, acting like I was, I dunno, your daughter, maybe? You protected me and humored my requests. You let me hold you all day, but at no point did you force yourself on me, even if I wanted you to. You were a gentleman with a lady, even if I'm not one. You acted like you were holding a precious piece of jewelry, afraid to handle it because it might break. So, did you make me do something you hadn't even considered? Of course not."

I found myself walking through the hallway behind her into the bathroom. Already undressed, I was pushed into the shower by the tiny woman who had brought me here. I glanced at what was stocked on the shelves -- men's and women's shampoo, a couple of bars of soap, and several washcloths. It would do just fine, considering I hadn't even thought to look before beginning the process.

"I guess you're right. I couldn't have intentionally made you want to do something that I was avoiding myself. How would you have felt about our relationship two days ago?"

"I dunno. A hot guy who cared about my feelings and took me in and was a perfect gentleman? Probably fine with it. Would've moved slower, but being able to feel your emotions and feel you protecting me and holding me all the time put everything on fast forward. So yeah, it's better than where I was."

The water that poured out of the shower head was warm and relaxing. I felt Beth moving her hands all over me. I was still lost in my thoughts. I guess I was going to have this discussion anyways. At least with another person, I could get feedback on how crazy I was. The beast in my mind was patronizingly telling me, "I told you so; I only did what you wanted." Not that I could trust that snake. Snake. Dragon. Hah.

"I think I'm going to ask Antonin if there's a way to undo it when I get to meet him."

Beth wrapped her arms around my chest and pressed herself against me. Her voice wavered when she spoke. "Please don't do that." She smelled like she did during the dinner with Aisling, anxious and unwell.

"I need to know if I can repair you, undo the damage I did."

She stepped around me, stood on her toes to get as close to my face as she could, and then laid into me, her finger jamming into my chest. "Now you listen here, Mister. I don't need any fixing today. If you want to ask them if you can undo it, fine. I guess you want to know. But you would be making me the lonely, scared, barely making ends meet, wondering where she would be sleeping that night, no time to think about the future girl I used to be. That's not 'fixing' me. You can find out if you have to, but I don't want it. You're worried about what I want; I want anything but that. Are we clear? You're scared you did something I didn't want. I'm telling you now -- I want this. I want you. I want us. Don't you dare fuck with it."

What she was saying highlighted the dilemma I was feeling. She was content now, even if it was potentially against her previous will. Undoing my changes would make the current her miserable. If undoing my changes would make her less happy, even if I was fixing a mistake, would it be right to do it? I supposed not. The person she used to be didn't exist now; the person she was now vehemently rejected the idea of returning to who she was. Maybe I had changed her against her will, but if I pursued undoing it now, I definitely would be going against her will toward a future neither of us wanted.

I concluded that I still needed to know more about what I had done to her. I needed to be able to prevent doing it in the future. But I wouldn't try to force her to change back. She claimed to be in a better place now and didn't want to return. As the warm water from the shower poured over the two of us, I could feel my apprehension and guilt over what I had done drip down my body and swirl down the drain.

Beth relaxed back onto her feet, no longer trying to impose her will on me. "You've come to some kind of decision. I can feel your stress going away."

She had said things like that too often for me to continue ignoring them. "I need to ask about what I did so I don't do it accidentally again, but I won't try to undo what I've done to you. But what do you mean, you can feel my stress going away? My heartbeat and breathing slowed down, and my muscles relaxed?"

Beth shook her head, droplets of water splashing as she did. "No, I don't know how to describe it, really, but I can feel your emotions. It's, like, a color, I guess. It's bright when you feel something strongly, dark if you aren't feeling anything in particular. This morning you've been full of doubt, and it's been stressing you out. Yesterday you had some nervousness, but we bounced through so much that it never grew into much. But now the guilt is gone. There isn't much there now."

"Yeah, I need to talk to someone about what I did to you. This is insane. Maybe Cynthia will know before I start blabbing to others I've never met."

She gripped me tight again, her tiny hand clenching my wrist with surprising strength, "You won't undo it, right? It makes me feel so close to you. I don't want to be alone again."

"Geez, Beth. I will not undo anything I did to you unless you ask me to -- I promise it."

She looked up at my face, her brown eyes searching my own for any malice or mistruth. After a moment, she must have decided she wasn't going to find any, and she said, "Good. Now you need to shower and get dressed if you want to talk to Cynthia alone before your pet vampire gets here."

The rest of the shower was primarily done in silence. Beth and I had addressed the most significant issue I had experienced, the only one I felt was time-sensitive. So we just enjoyed the water and each other's presence. I washed her hair, and she melted against me and made the most adorable little mewling noises while I rubbed her scalp.

I dressed in some of the provided clothes and headed to the kitchen. I hoped we had a place to wash our clothes, as I had yet to see a washer or dryer in the apartment. Perhaps they were communal. Cynthia was in the kitchen, sipping a cup of coffee on one of the stools. I found a mug, poured myself a cup, and then joined her.

She blushed as I looked at her and said, "Morning. It sounded like you had an enjoyable night."

It was my turn to blush, and I stammered back, "Ahh, yeah. I was hoping to talk to you about that."

She smiled, and her voice was breathy as she replied, "It certainly didn't sound like you needed any advice. I bet Beth was very pleased this morning."

I stared blankly at Cynthia for a moment, trying to figure out what was happening. Had I changed her, too? Was I a danger just being around her? My doubts disappeared when she giggled at me, and I realized she was just teasing me. I hoped.

"Ok, lover boy, ask your questions."

"Sorry, that was just such a switch from the vision of you I've built up in my mind from years ago. I know that's not accurate now, and it was a mask you wore intentionally, but the change scared me. I think I changed parts of Beth's personality, and I was terrified for a moment there that I had somehow changed you, too."

"It didn't sound like she minded the changes." I could hear the laughter in her voice as she continued teasing me.

"No, but it scares me that maybe I've changed her to be happy with the changes. My actual question was that she said she could see my feelings. She said she could see different colors depending on how I felt, and their luminosity changed with the intensity of my feelings. Do you know of anything like that?"

She pursed her lips and frowned at me. We sat silently for a moment, and she sipped her coffee before looking at me again. "That's going to annoy Sam to no end, although I'm not sure why it would start now. Perhaps she had some latent power of her own? I don't want to speculate. I have some information to give you this morning, but I was waiting for our government attache. She'll have official sources and reliable information, whereas I have oral history and inconclusive statements. At the very least, she'll be able to put you in touch with the archivist, who will probably have the most information of anyone in this country."

"Alright, I can live with that. How long until she should be here?"

"Half an hour or so. Would you like breakfast?"

I shuddered at the thought, "No, thank you. I had too much last night and don't usually have breakfast."

I finished my coffee and moved to one of the couches. A blink later, Beth was curled up next to me. Once she was snuggled into me, her face buried into my chest and her arms wrapped around me, she asked, "What freaked you out when you talked to Cynthia?"

I put one of my arms around her. "She was teasing me about the noise we made last night. But, she was doing it in such a sultry manner that I was worried I had changed her. It was a bit unnerving."

"Did she know about why I know your feelings?"

"Maybe? She wanted to wait. Wasn't confident her answers were based on facts instead of rumors and hearsay."

While we talked, Sam came out of the hallway. She looked like hell. She was wearing a bathrobe lazily wrapped around her, her eyes bloodshot and swollen, large bags hanging beneath them. Some of her hair stuck up into the air, and she stumbled like a zombie to get a mug to pour herself a cup of coffee. She brought her cup with her as she came over to the couches. This was going to be a bit awkward.

"Morning," I offered.

She grunted an acknowledgment, but her eyes shot death and damnation at me. If she didn't look so disheveled, I would've been intimidated. Her eyes looked like she would rain hellfire upon me if she could.

We sat in awkward, pained silence. Eventually, Sam finished her coffee and deposited the mug in the kitchen sink to be washed. She didn't return to the couch, and a minute later, I heard the shower kick on.

I was about to ask either Cynthia or Beth what they thought that was about, but a knock on the door interrupted me. Cynthia moved and opened the door, extending an arm to invite our visitor inside. A lean, tall, pale woman stepped inside, and she smiled and inclined her head towards Cynthia before turning and addressing me.

"Good morning, milord. I am Evgenia Popov, and Her Majesty the Queen has assigned me to assist you in matters of politics and business." As she finished her statement, she gave a shallow curtsey and again inclined her head in deference.

I stood to respond and took in who was talking to me. Evgenia was tall, perhaps six foot. Her modest black heels meant she could meet my eyes without lifting her head. She was discernibly paler than average, nearly as colorless as Aisling had been when the Queen was imposing her will. Her eyes were blue, but they would never be confused with Sam's. My childhood friend had deep blue eyes, rich and deep and full of life and emotion. This woman in front of me had pale, light blue eyes that were sharp. Cold and calculating, crisp and perceptive. Her long black hair was pulled back into a ponytail, contrasting starkly with her ghostly, perfectly unblemished skin. She wore a smart, professional black dress and an ornate watch adorned her wrist. In her left hand, she carried a briefcase. She raised her right hand to offer a handshake as I stood and crossed the room to the entranceway.

I took it and was surprised at how cold her hand was. I felt like I was grabbing a metal railing on a winter morning. "A pleasure to meet you." I gestured to the table and asked, "Shall we take a seat?"

She bowed and said, "Of course, milord." Alarm bells rang in my mind as I internally rejected the deference she was offering. After my initial interactions with Beth, I deserved to be questioned and hindered, not blindingly followed.

We moved to the dining room, and she set the briefcase she was carrying on the table before sitting. I sat next to her, and Cynthia claimed the seat on my other side. Beth remained where she was on the couch, observing but not participating for the moment.

Evgenia opened the briefcase and pulled out the top piece of paper. She slid it to me and began explaining, "This, milord, is a contract for my services. I am able to provide political advice, and I have acquired some degree of business acumen. I am fully qualified as a legal counselor by the State of New York."

I looked at the woman who was beside me in bewilderment. She looked young, perhaps a year or two older than me. "You've finished a law degree and passed your bar exam? How old are you?"

She shrunk from my question, embarrassed. She answered quietly, "I don't have a degree here in the US. New York offers some flexibility in accepting overseas accreditation. Her Majesty had use for a legal professional, so she found a place where I would be able to gain it as quickly as possible. In most places of employment, the degree would've been required as well, but our Queen simply needed permissible representation."

All she had managed to do was give me more questions, but I didn't want to interrogate her within minutes of meeting her. I returned to the document I was holding and balked again at the brevity. It contained only a guarantee that she was to follow my instructions until I dismissed her from my service. This wasn't a standard client contract; This was signing her life away to servitude. Her name was signed at the bottom, a bloody fingerprint adorning the flourishes of her signature.

I swallowed and cautiously asked, "Have you read this? Do you know what this means?"

She retrieved a pen and a small knife from her briefcase and set them in front of me while she answered. "Yes, milord. I penned the contract this morning. It was what Her Majesty directed. Our Lady suggested it would be easier for you to trust me this way. Her Highness was of the opinion that vampires and lawyers both have a somewhat justified reputation for manipulation and deception. She advised that this would make you more accepting of assistance." Her voice was level while she explained, but I felt no more comfortable with this.

"Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but how do you feel about this?"