Marie waited alone in the bathroom, staring at the odd little stick. She and Matt had been trying for months with no luck. The little stick's indicator turned a pale shade of blue, and disappointment came to Marie like an old friend. Each time, she thought it wouldn't be as bad, that she wouldn't be as crestfallen, but somehow she managed to get her hopes up anyway.
The pregnancy test joined another in the trash bin. Marie washed her hands and went back into the bedroom where Mark laid in bed reading. He knew they were trying, but she hadn't spoken to him about it for a while. "Heya," he said as Marie crawled into bed and snuggled up against him. "Everything ok?"
"Yes," she lied. Matt kissed the top of her head. He rolled over to the bedside lamp and turned it off. Marie thought of the moment when she could come out of the bathroom holding a positive test and tell him their world was changing. She thought about the secret visits to the fertility clinic and the natural supplements she had been taking. She tried to keep away the thoughts that it was her, that she was broken in some way. Equally, she didn't want that to be true for Matt. All of her worries swirled in her head as she listened to her husband's breathing grow slower and deeper. The sound and rhythm soothed her. She fell asleep in his arms.
—
Sleep soothed away most of her anxieties. She woke with a renewed determination. On her last visit, the doctor recommended several articles which she planned on reading. He'd also recommended a few relaxation techniques, pointing out that stress can actually deter conception. This also applied to Matt so Marie did her best to make him feel comfortable and relaxed about life.
She was downstairs by the time he woke up. She cooked a light breakfast of toast and bacon, enjoying the smell of coffee filling the house. Marie decided they should eat out on the porch. Cool and crisp spring mornings came rarely, and she made an effort to enjoy them while they lasted. Their home was located very much off the beaten path in the Mississippi Delta, but this allowed them to live on a gorgeous plot of land for next to nothing. Their front door opened onto a massive field cut in half by their driveway. Several hundred yards away, their mailbox sat beside a dusty road. Marie set their breakfast on the porch table, complete with two large glasses of orange juice, and waited for her husband while enjoying the beautiful broad skyline.
Matt appeared a few moments later, "Well, this is nice." He was dressed for work in the odd combination of polished white collar and practical farm attire common in the Delta. His pants, at first glance, appeared to be dress slacks, but on further inspection they were a much more durable material. He also wore a white button up shirt, but rolled the sleeves up over his forearms and left the top button undone. Marie frowned at the sight of it, knowing the neckline was ringed with sweat stains. Her husband was handsome, with tan skin and blue eyes, and she considered herself lucky in that regard. She also thought that they would have beautiful children.
Marie had a fit body as well, which she was proud of in certain ways She'd been a track and field girl for years and maintained her figure since they'd been married. If she had any complaints about her body, it would be that she was too thin. Again, a small part of her wanted the pregnancy so that she could feel more womanly or maternal. Matt never complained about her small A cups, but she had seen him looking at women's breasts before. She tried to write it off as a natural instinct, but it was something she had struggled with her whole life.
Sipping her coffee, she looked out at the horizon as her husband wolfed down his breakfast. The drive used to be an old field road which had fallen into disuse at some point over the years. The property owner built the house right in the middle of the abandoned road and started using it as a driveway. Marie knew it continued on in the opposite direction for a quite a while before finally stopping at the edge of the creek where no one wanted to build a bridge. The crossing highway was one of the state highways built under Eisenhower's massive expansion of American's road systems. Travelers often found it strange that such well built and well maintained roads sliced across the Delta, providing thoroughfares for the hundreds of country people dotting the obscure areas of the vast farmland. When the highways were constructed, the work crews often utilized the already cut out roads, transforming them from muddy dirt paths into paved and lined roadways. None of this entered Marie's mind as she looked out over the fields and roads, but had she known about it, she may have been more alarmed when she saw the man.
***
It was not unusual to see people walking down the sides of the highway. Though it seemed inexplicable that a person could be idly strolling down the road in such a sparsely populated place, these types of long walks were not uncommon. The people in the delta were poor and many of them did not own cars, but lived miles apart from friends or relatives. When they couldn't get a ride, they would simply walk the five miles instead. More often than not, someone they knew would come across them and offer a ride.
This man was different. From what Marie could see, he was tall and wore a dark black coat, unnecessary even on a chilly spring morning. It was a long way to the road, but she could tell he was facing their house. Subconsciously, she could feel his eyes watching her. "Honey," she said, "do you see that?" She gestured out to the road.
Matt looked up from his breakfast, but did not see anything of note on the roadside. "No? What am I looking for?"
"There's a man out there," Marie said. "At least, I thought there was." The man had gone, leaving only the low wind raking over the fields.
"Probably a dog or something," Matt said, dismissively. A stern look from his wife made him reconsider his stance, "I'll look around on the way out. You're right. May have been old Frank on the way in to town. He may need a ride." Matt checked his watch. "Ok, sweetie, I gotta run. I'll see you later. Should be home for lunch today, maybe a little after one." Matt gave her a kiss on the cheek and went inside to gather his things.
Marie watched the edge of the driveway until Matt's truck reached the end. She saw him get out and wander in a circle for a moment before waving towards the house. Marie waved back. The sight had unnerved her, but the beautiful day and the rising sun took away the chill in the air along with her worry about a man in black.
Marie spent her morning sporadically cleaning and reading things on the internet. Some of the articles about conception came off as old wives tales and others as overwhelmingly informative science. A few struck an intricate twining of both extremes, which took a while of cross referencing to work out. Marie focused on her determination to get her through the denser material. She resolved to look at her lack of pregnancy as a problem which would obviously have a solution if she put in the time and effort to figure out.
