The Ballad of Maggie

"I'm tellin' you, Beth, this could be a double date!" Maggie had to raise her voice over the machinegun fire.

"Shit. This guy has an aimbot, I think. But I like being in my dorm room!"

"You said it yourself! Seeing how Nichelle and Anna had boyfriends made you realize that you could, too."

"Right! So I get the lesson from the afternoon special, and all of a sudden, I want to turn my life into a constant pursuit for boys? Shit, I'm tellin' you-- that guy's got an aimbot. Well, no. I'll take that moral of the story and turn it into an excuse to flirt. I mean, swiping left and right just doesn't seem that romantic, right?"

"Maybe, you should ask the guy with the aimbot out."

"Him? Nah, I just want to slash his tires. Oh, come on! Headshot with a dinky pistol from that range! I'm reporting him!"

Frustrated at the lack of moral support, Maggie went back to her room. There was probably something fishy about how the date would have to be a double one, so maybe she was better off. The weekend turned out to be a bust for partners. Maggie had tried the club thing again, but the results were farcical. She hit a frat party, but it was a really bad scene, and Maggie prioritized rescuing an unconscious drunk girl from near certain abuse.

Maybe technology was her solution all along. When she was dating Trey, it just wasn't an issue. Now, here she was looking at pictures and poorly worded comments from inept suitors. Why should she be picky? She was just looking for some peen! "There we go," she said. "I bet he's as dumb as a rock, but he's got muscles on his muscles. I could go for that!" She swiped right and ding! She immediately requested a chat.

Maggie: Hey.

Simon: yo baby

Maggie: I'm looking for some NSA action.

Simon: i can take you into space like an astrinot

Maggie: Okay. When do you want to meet?

Simon: my shift in the gym is over in 20 im closing so meet me here

Maggie: Campus Life Gym?

Simon: yeah baby

Simon: just knock at the door and il let you in

Maggie: Okay. I will see you in 20 minutes.

Simon: COOL

Maggie: You got condoms?

Simon: we keep condums in the mens room

Maggie: Great! See you.

Simon: il be reedy

Maggie realized that this was a bad idea. She may have previously insulted the intelligence of rocks, but there were other rocks that needed getting off. As she put on a quick outside outfit, she said to herself, "Oh, astronaut, as in NASA astronaut. Right. One more A, and no strings attached is a space agency."

Outside the Student Life Services Center, it was a bit cold, so Maggie held her coat in close. It took about five minutes after knocking for Simon to open the door. Yeah, Maggie let her lust get the better of her. The dude worked in the gym, and it showed. Musclebound wasn't her thing, but this situation seemed kind of fun-- kind of a bucket list thing.

"Hey, girl! What up!"

"Let's see if we can get you up," Maggie said, laying it on thick. She figured subtlety was not called for.

"Shit. That ain't no problem!" He brought her past the check-in desk and into the main weight lifting area.

"So, where should we do it?" she asked.

"Um, like I like, you know, doggystyle."

"Wuff. Yeah, and we've got some equipment here that could make that easy, right?"

"Heh, you're funny. Yeah, I could set something up, right?" He set to work rearranging the weight machines so that Maggie could use the bars as handholds. She did not want to acknowledge the cleverness.

"And you're smart," she said, immediately praying to the goddesses of feminism for forgiveness. "Let's do this."

They disrobed, ogling each other the whole time. He was already semi-erect,and Maggie relished how juicy her pussy felt. "You got the condom?" She asked.

"Yeah, yeah, right here!" He waved around the little packet.

"Perfect," she said. "You want me to put it on?"

"No, that's a man's job."

"Uh huh." There would be penitence to the gods of feminism later, she was sure. She climbed into the rigged apparatus and looked back at her partner. "Go ahead! I'm not into foreplay tonight!"

"Awesome!" he shouted. She felt him enter, and it felt splendid. He thrust good at hard, and she let out an involuntary yelp. "You like that, you little slut, don't you." He started in on the dirty talk.

"Oh, yeah. I... Oh! want your cock!"

"No, sluts like you need my mighty cock!"

"Oh, god... Yeah, I need it." She was going to feminist hell now, but he had strength and stamina that drove a pretty hearty penis home. Each thrust kind of hurt, but in the moment and in the gym where hurting was supposed to be good, this was perfect. "Fuck!" She came, and he kept going.

"Does baby need daddy's dick?"

"Yeah, keep going!" Daddy's dick? Ew, but mmm...

He kept slamming. "Yeah, you dirty whore. Take it!"

This was like a bad porno movie, but there he was, using all of the dirty talk cliches. It became clear quickly that he was reaching his endgame, which was alright. Maggie was pretty sure that she had come at least twice. "Take it, dirty whore" became his mantra as he evidently came.

Maggie felt something run down her thigh. She was wet, but that seemed to be a bit much. She looked back and saw the condom lying on a barbell unused. Her passion turned quickly to rage.

"What the fuck!" she yelled at him.

"Yeah, that's right, baby. A good fuck." He was still in his dirty talking daddy character.

"No, I mean it felt good, but why is that semen running down my fucking leg?"

"Heh, fucking leg. You bet it got fucked."

"No, you fucking stupid gym rat. Why did you ejaculate in me?"

"'Cause that's what fucking is, bitch."

"I told you to put on that condom. Why is it over there are that weight?"

"Condoms are downers. I like fucking without them."

"I don't want a disease, you asshole."

"Well, that's your problem. I stay in shape, disease-free."

"What the fuck! I'm out of here, and I'm going to get tested. I suggest you do that, too. Oh, and I'm leaving the black ball on your profile."

"Ah, now you don't need to do that! I can get you some free training lessons!"

"Fuck you, I'm out of here." Maggie threw on her clothes as she walked out of the gym, her blood up, her anger ready to explode from her system. She said a little prayer to the goddesses of feminism, but she knew it wouldn't be enough.

"And then, the bonehead said exercise would keep him safe! My god!"

"Calm down, Maggie. Seriously, what is with you? You shouldn't want a guy like that, anyway. What were you thinking?" Beth really didn't like the fact that she had to get out of bed for this crap.

"Sure, blame me! He's the one who pretended to put on a condom."

"Right, right, and you didn't just go and find the easiest looking he-man you could find? It wasn't your fault, but you were reckless, okay? Get tested tomorrow. You'll be fine."

Maggie showered and went to bed. She couldn't sleep, though. He was such an ass to her, and now she had the sword of Damocles hanging over her head. Plus, she was pissed at Beth. She slept around, but hadn't the world gotten over the idea of the woman being at fault? Simon was the guilty party, and she did not consent to condom-free sex.

Bleary-eyed, Maggie was sitting in the waiting room at the campus clinic, which was part of the same building complex as the gym. She had sunglasses and a kerchief over her head, since she was ashamed of herself. It was stupid, too. She knew she shouldn't be ashamed, but there she was.

"Hey, it's that normal girl from the meeting!" The voice jarred her out of her fugue. That was loud (and embarrassing) or at least it seemed loud.

"Huh? What?" Maggie looked up to a very powerful looking bare and feminine set of abdominal muscles. She looked up some more and then immediately recognized Petunia, the veritable Amazon from the Society of the Acceptance of the Transformed. "Oh, hi," she said meekly.

Petunia sat next to her, holding her own left arm gingerly. "Sprain, I think. What are you in for?"

Maggie paused. "Um, STD test."

Petunia stifled a laugh. "You? I figured you would always make sure it was wrapped up?" The woman seemed a little loud to Maggie, and Maggie blushed hard.

"Shit, girl? What's the problem?"

"Well, he faked putting on the condom."

Petunia's lips pursed together. Her nose flared. Her eyes narrowed. "No pregnancy test?"

"Uh, well, it was just last night, so a test wouldn't work, and I've got an IUD."

"You should get a morning-after pill."

"Yeah, I'll ask for one of those, too."

"Fucking right, you will. You tell me who he is. I'll make sure he can't do it again."

Remembering how chilling Petunia's story about sucking away men's masculinity was, Maggie wasn't sure if she meant beating him up or fucking him. "It's alright. I, uh... Revenge isn't the way to go here."

"Uh huh. Well, don't let 'em step on you. You need any help with the asshole, and I will be there."

"Okay. You like to crusade, don't you?" Maggie said.

"What do you mean?"

"You want to be a hero or something, for womankind."

"I guess, sure. I mean, I'm an athlete, or at least, I used to be an athlete. We're all about heroics."

"But what you said, back at the meeting. You targeted someone hitting women."

Petunia gave her a long, hard look. "Yeah, I did. I wanted that little bit of extra strength."

"Yeah, but you didn't target just anyone, right?"

"I didn't want to hurt anyone innocent."

"Of course not. I guess you don't feel guilty about what happened."

"I don't, no. People have told me that I should, that it wasn't my place to punish. It's a wicked world, girl, and I have no problem being wicked." At this point, Maggie could sense that Petunia's leaning in was for a little bit more than privacy.

"Whoa, whoa," Maggie said quietly. "I don't swing that way."

Petunia backed off. "Sorry, babe. I, uh, have the drive of, like, four dudes. Not really, but I get into it like a dude sometimes. I'm sorry."

Maggie giggled. "It's alright. I'm flattered. And, here's the nurse."

"So far, the whole suite of STI tests are negative. You'll need to come back in a couple of weeks for a follow-up and a pregnancy test. Since you've got an IUD, I do not recommend the morning after pill, because the side-effects are not worth it." The nurse practitioner handed Maggie a folder of printouts.

"The whole suite? Did it include HPV?"

"Of course."

"But I'm HPV-positive," Maggie said.

"Sometimes, it can hide, and these tests aren't perfect. I'm sure that it will pop up again in the next test."

Maggie saw some movement along the floor and turned to look.

"What is it?" asked the nurse.

"I'm not sure. I think it was a bug or something."

"We just had the building-- whoop!" The nurse practitioner was suddenly and frantically patting her body. "There's something in..." There was a buzz-saw-like noise coming from her scrubs, and bits of fabric started falling out of her top. "I, huh," she went on nonsensically. "Excuse me." As she opened the door, there were various female screams and yelps coming from all over the building.

Just then, Maggie felt tiny insectoid feet scrambling up her legs, and she too began furiously beating her clothing. The creatures, whatever they were, amassed around her chest, and she could hear chewing. Fearing that she was to be devoured, Maggie stripped off her top in time to see perhaps a hundred dime-sized beetles masticating her bra. It took only a few seconds after that before the whole thing disintegrated, and Maggie instinctively covered herself.

She could make out hurried but indistinct conversation throughout the floor. As she put her top back on, she also saw dozens of women outside trying in vain to remove the strange pests from their clothes before covering themselves. It was already a warm morning, so it wasn't like they were wearing layers.

The nurse returned. She had her arms crossed over her chest. "So, um... I hope you're okay. We may have a new set of cases to look into."

Some took the situation better than others. Lot's of women tried to cover themselves. Others didn't bother. Maggie saw Anna from the meeting walking along the quad, and she wasn't bothering trying to cover up. She certainly gathered attention. Maggie herself gave up as she made it to class. Then, just about every mobile device in the room lit up in a cacophony of beeps, chimes, and buzzes. Maggie checked her phone. She received simultaneous texts and emails from the university. She opened the email.

Dear students,

We are presently dealing with a new pest problem. So far as we can tell, the invasion of brassiere eating insects (known as bra beetles) was not a prank or attack but was a magical-natural event. Previously, these same creatures infested an office building in New York City, so they are not unprecedented. We know the following things about them:

They eat bras. That is all that they eat.

They will only eat bras that you wear.

Every time they eat a bra, after the first, the victim's nipples will get permanently longer, so do not attempt to wear bras.

Exposure to the juices or dried carcasses of dead bra beetles causes temporary obsession with fondling breasts.

They infested the office building for three weeks.

We anticipate putting up with these pests for that length of time. We do not know the extent of the infestation, though they appear to only stay in an area and do not often travel with people. If you see boob beetles, leave them alone.

Sincerely,

University President Kathleen Tratt

Murmurs (and more than a few giggles) resonated through the classroom. Maggie sighed. She currently wore a long skirt and no underwear because of the Be Your Sexiest® razor and a tanktop without a bra because of the boob beetles. She felt put upon, but as she sat back in her chair, she also felt pretty comfortable.

The professor still wasn't there-- she was probably looking for a cardigan or something-- and Nichelle, the girltaur who headed the Society for the Acceptance of the Transformed sat down next to her. "Hi there. Interesting day, no?"

"You could say that, Nichelle. I guess we're all a little transformed today, right?"

"Not exactly. I'd say that just about every woman here had a magical experience, though."

"True. Are you happy about that?" Maggie asked, immediately feeling a bit accusatory.

"Oh, hell no. Do you have any idea how much specialty bras for six tits on a horizontal torso cost?"

"Oh, geeze. Ouch."

"Yeah, we're a weird group, but we're not some sort of terrorists out to give underwear manufacturers new business."

"Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's not what I mean. I've a had a rough day, that's all."

Nichelle grinned, "But you get to have it with all the sisterhood, unless they just don't like to wear bras."

"Well, yeah, and the sisterhood could help me with my boy troubles, too."

"Oh, dear. Want to tell me what happened?"

Maggie sighed. For some reason, she had been open with Petunia, and Petunia was scary. Nichelle wasn't scary-- she was a weird busybody-- and she meant well. Perhaps, this was the necessary penance for her feminist transgressions, so she told Nichelle the story, including how Petunia offered to help. That last part got a laugh. By the time she was done, the room was empty, since the professor had apparently decided to call it off.

"Well, that sucks. I'm not sure I know what to tell you. You seem to like to take risks, and I can't fault you for that. I mean, if you want some sugar, I know of some skilled ladies who can get you off, but I'm guessing you're straight."

"Yeah. No chicks."

"Well, if you're ever interested, I have a recipe for something called Sappho's Tea. It'll make you want to munch pussy all night. It wears off in less than a week, and there can certainly be regrets, but if you need to get off in the straight-girl-unfriendly climate, it can help." Nichelle winked.

"Wait, but you have a boyfriend."

"Absolutely! I met him a couple of months ago, but I had a dry spell. Anyway, it's a fun little alternative."

"Uh huh. I think I'll take my chances. I just need to find better dates, you know?"

"Sure. If you ever want any magic, you know where to come."

When Maggie got home, she found Beth sprawled out on the sofa and the television stuck on a match over screen. Beth's shirt was off, and her hefty bosom sprawled almost as much as the rest of her. "Hey, Beth!" Maggie said firmly.

Beth woke up. "Hmm..." she moaned. Then, she sat up. "Hmm... Your nipples look pokey."

"Yeah, it was the boob bugs."

"The boob what?" Beth asked. She had her right breast in her hand and was stroking it.

"Boob bugs. They eat bras. Didn't you get the message?"

Still groggy, Beth said, "Mmm... Boob bugs..." Her eyes opened more, and she looked down. "Shit, so that's what those were. I killed, like, three of them before they scrambled. Tough sons of bitches, too."

"That would explain the breast fondling," Maggie said.

"The what?" Beth let go of her enormous breast. "What? Why?"

"The dead ones make you want to play with boobs."

"Ah, yeah. I don't think I've ever felt yours. Can I?" Beth began crawling toward Maggie.

"What? No! Sit down. Play with your tits, if you want. I'm looking this up." Beth did what she was told, and no less. Maggie had her tablet out. "Oh, yes, boob bugs. You didn't each one, did you?"

"No. I just squished a few."

"Okay, this should wear off in a day or two. Can you concentrate?"

"Concentrate on boobs?"

"Fuck."

"I'm kidding. Look, my tits are fun to play with when I'm not under the influence of dead insects. Right now, it's extra fun, and the only problem is that my lower arms don't reach them as well, so I'm going to need to handicap myself by using my lower hands on the controllers. Sit down and play."

"Right. I don't think I want to sit next to a masturbating girl."

"You know I'll not only be playing with my lower arms, but I'll also be distracted by my boobs, right?"

Maggie paused. She needed to win something today. "You're on."

It was really just too warm to be wearing sweaters, jackets, or even four layers of t-shirt, but Maggie saw a lot of her schoolmates in them. Maggie kept it simple-- just one shirt. Yes, her nipples poked out a bit, but she also did not have armpit sweat stains like some of the others. A few of the guys treated it like a viewing gallery, while others were more surreptitious in their viewing habits. She figured that the novelty would wear off in a few days.

Besides, she saw one of the girls from the transformed meeting, and she knew that this one was having some of the worst of it. Maggie decided to play interference. "Hey, Amrita! What's going on?"

The young woman took a moment to identify her. "Margaret?"

"I'm Maggie from the meeting."

Amrita apparently had a similar idea as Maggie did, because all six of her enormous nipples were barely covered by her t-shirt. "Oh, right. Maggie. I couldn't remember the name."

"It's cool. You doing okay?"

"Oh, man... I get enough attention as it is. I relied on my specialty bras, but now? Yeesh. Anyway, I'm heading to my discrete maths class in Classroom Building D."

"Hey, my Translating Truth class is there, too."

"Right."

"Look, I just want to help out. I mean, it's better when you aren't alone, right?" Maggie felt a lot of pity for Amrita, and she did want to help, so they talked about discrete mathematics (for Maggie, it was mostly figuring out why numbers needed to be modest) but it did go well.

At the base stairs, both their phones sounded out alerts. Perhaps worried that it was another campus alert, they checked. "Nichelle wants to host a party this Friday," Amrita said.

"Yeah, I got that, too. You going?" Maggied asked.

"Sure. I guess. I need something to do besides..."