In the small back office, Renee shuts the door and lowers the blinds, closing herself off from the shop. Sitting at the computer, she closes Quickbooks, and opens up her email. She finds the one labeled "VIDEO CONSULTATION with NICOLA MIRZA, MSW, LCSW" and clicks on the link to open the videoconferencing program.
After a few beeps, the call is answered. The video starts, and shows a view looking down a narrow room. In the picture, Renee sees unoccupied sofas on either side of the room; in the center, a woman in her late twenties, sits on a third sofa, nude, holding a tablet computer in her hands. "Hello, this is Nicola Mirza. Is this Renee Allen?"
"Um, yeah." Renee hesitates. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting... You know I can see you, right?"
Nicola smiles. "Yes, the nudity often takes people by surprise their first time. There are good reasons, which I'll explain in a bit. First of all, I just want to verify a few things." She looks down at her tablet. "It says you're on the town council of Kelham Mill, Helenia, and that after your one-year check-in, Jessica recommended you see a counselor."
"Yeah. I started talking to her and she said I should talk to someone. I guess you're the someone."
"Yes. I'm one of the counselors here in the Service Office. Let me tell you about what we do. It's our job to meet with officeholders, like yourself, and work with you make your state service successful, both for you and the men you serve. We're here to guide you, to help give you techniques and strategies for dealing better with the issues that come up. You should be aware that we're not therapists, and we aren't here to fix you, or because we think there's anything wrong with you. State service is part of your job as an officeholder, and like any job, you may need help getting the hang of it, and that's what we're here for. Because we're here to help you with your job, any expenses are paid for by the government -- you won't be charged for anything.
"Let me give you an example of what we do. The most common issue we see is a new officeholder who finds she isn't prepared to be as open and visible as she needs to be to successfully perform service. She gets into a crib with a strange man and can't resist the urge to cover up. So, we help her practice making her body visible, and help her become more comfortable in allowing strangers to see and touch her body. I just finished our Overcoming Shyness support group, actually, that's why I'm working in a group session room today.
"To help women learn to be more open, we counselors model this behavior whenever we meet with servatrixes. That's why I'll be nude in all our appointments. And this is such a common problem that we assume all servatrixes will have to work on it, or at least could use practice with it. So, we require all the women receiving continuing counseling be nude or wear service robes for their appointments, unless it's family or relationship counseling where others are brought in. You should be prepared for that if we have any more appointments after today.
"But that's just one problem servatrixes have, and Jessica didn't say why she thought you should see someone. Tell me, how is being on town council working out for you?"
"Sure." Renee pauses to collect herself. "So, I've been on the Kelham Mill town council a little over a year. We're a very small town, up here in the Helenia forests. I run the general store and deli, which is one of the only businesses in town aside from the mill itself. My dad started it back in the fifties, and I started running it a few years ago when my dad got sick. Everybody knows me here, and a lot of people thought I should run for council, so I said yes. I didn't think the service obligation would be a problem, but..."
"But you're finding it difficult?"
"Yeah. There aren't that many people living here, and lots are families with children, so there aren't that many men who sign up to receive service. And the men come into my store all the time, to buy groceries or get a sandwich. We don't talk about service, but I can feel their eyes on me. And to be honest, I don't look at them the same way either. I look at them and can't help but think back to when we were fu— when we were in the crib together."
"Renee, with me you should feel free to use any words that come to mind. You can't help but remember when you were fucking. When you see one of these men, you think about how his cock felt inside you, the look on his face when he came, maybe the taste of his jizz."
"Er, yeah." Renee squirms a little.
"Renee, you shouldn't be surprised that your feelings change after you have provided service. The main point of service is to change your feelings, even though sometimes those feelings don't change in exactly the way we want them to. What we hope for is that the sexual act makes officeholders feel closer to the men they serve, and that they're able to transfer those feelings of closeness to the community in general. But sometimes, as with you, their reactions center not around emotional intimacy, but around the carnality of the sex act itself. There are a number of techniques we can use to recenter your reactions, and I can work with you on those. Tell me, when you have these memories, do they make you feel aroused?"
"Well, usually. It depends on the guy, and what we did together. If it's a hot guy, or a guy who fucked me, then yeah I start to get turned on. If he's not so hot and just had me blow him, then not so much, it just feels weird. But either way, it's hard to be around them, and really uncomfortable."
"Hmm." Nicola makes notes on her tablet. "When you're around other men, ones you haven't provided service to, do these reactions come up for you?"
Renee thinks for a moment, then shakes her head. "Not really. I mean, once in a while I look at a guy and wonder what he'd be like in bed, but I mean, I always did that, maybe not quite as much. It's when they look at me that way, remembering, that I can't stop thinking about what we did together."
"I see. And it's really not possible for you to avoid these men?
"No, not in the shop. I have some nephews and nieces that help out, and I have someone on deli from 11 to 19, but a lot of the time I'm in the shop by myself. Guys come in for coffee or whatever in the mornings."
"Yes. If they were coworkers in the same workplace they'd be ineligible to receive service from you, but being a customer doesn't count. Hmm. Let me look something up." Nicola uses her tablet computer for a minute. "So, I was just looking through your service appointment history. You've had sixty-four appointments so far, but many of those are the same men, coming back. That's not a situation that comes up a lot. We deal mostly with MPs and MLAs, and city councilors in big cities, who have many thousands of constituents, and they rarely serve the same man twice. But you... it says you've had one service recipient come back almost twenty times. Wow."
"Yeah, that's Josh. That's another thing... Josh and I both grew up in Kelham Mill. We rode the bus down to middle and high school together. Back in high school he had a major crush on me, but I wasn't into him. When I got on council, he started signing up for service appointments. He told me he'd been waiting for this all his life, and now he wasn't going to throw his chance to be with me away. So, every two or three weeks when I show up at the crib, there he is. He tries to make it romantic. Our crib doesn't have the security you have down in the big cities, so he can bring in things, and he brings me flowers, plays music, basically tries to make a date out of it. Then we fuck and he tells me he loves me."
"That's... surprising. Citizen service isn't supposed to be about putting you in a personal relationship, at least, not like that. What happens when he comes into the store?"
"Well, Josh doesn't come into the store when I'm working -- he'll come in in the evenings or on Sundays, when I'm off. He told me early on that he would wait for me to come to him, and he tries to avoid me outside the crib. And the truth is, I've been thinking about him a lot. When I think about being with Josh, I don't think about just the fucking, I think about when he kisses me, holds me... I mean, I know he enjoys the sex, but that's not all it is for him. He wouldn't normally be my type, but I can't help caring for him."
"Yes. That's exactly the feeling of closeness that service is designed to bring out, but normally we don't want you to get close to just one man through service. I'm not sure... Renee, normally, our job here in the Service Office is to help you get used to providing service, to helping you succeed in this part of your role as an officeholder. We're called counselors, but we're really more like coaches, helping you develop the skills and techniques needed to provide service. This thing with Josh... I'm going to need to bring in someone to help with that. Is it okay if I talk to another counselor about what you've told me?"
"Sure. But you know, Josh isn't the worst part, the worst part is being so weird and, um, turned on around the other guys after we fuck in the crib. I wish I could not feel that way."
Nicola nods. "Okay, that's something we can work on. I can't help you not feel anything after providing service, sex is a powerful thing and you're going to feel something after it. But we can try to redirect those feelings in a more productive way. Let's work on some techniques and then we'll have a follow-up appointment in a couple of weeks. I'll also get some help to work on your Josh situation. Okay?"
"Okay."
"So, what we're going to do is redirect your feelings after sex away from thinking about the sex act itself and toward developing closeness. You should feel a little more like you feel with Josh, only not so strongly, with all the men you serve. Later we can try to move that toward a more general closeness to the community, but that can wait.
"Our first step is to minimize the erotic charge of service by giving you something else to focus your sexual desire upon. Renee, I'm going to have to ask you about your sex life. Is that okay?"
"Sure, but there's not much to talk about right now."
"So, you don't have a regular sexual partner."
"No, I had boyfriends in college, but that was years ago. A couple times I've gone down to Jenkins for the weekend and ended up hooking up, but until I got on town council, I hadn't been with anybody for a year or so. I mean, honestly I figured a service obligation was as good a way as any to scratch that itch."
"Ah. Renee, you deserve sexual fulfillment, but your service obligation shouldn't be part of that. In a service appointment, you have to be completely focused on the man's pleasure and satisfaction. We need to find you another way to satisfy your own needs. Tell me, do you masturbate?"
"Er, sometimes..."
"But not often? Not most days?"
"Oh, no. Maybe a couple of times a month."
"Okay. Assuming you don't have a sexual partner lined up, I recommend a steady regimen of masturbation, at least five times a week. Many women masturbate just as they go to sleep or just after they wake up in the morning, but it's up to you. Focus on your body and your feelings. If you fantasize, try thinking about people from your past, or from TV or movies, or anyone really other than the men from your service appointments. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, that's great, but if you can't, that's okay too. The idea is to begin associating sexual excitement with things other than your service appointments.
"Then, just before each service appointment, masturbate again. If you have to, you can use the dressing lounge, but it would be better to go back home, to avoid associating your excitement with the crib area. Whatever you do, don't use the crib itself. Here, the idea is to release your arousal before you provide service. Are you with me so far?"
"Jill off five times a week, plus just before the service appointment."
