So there I am like any other Rogue in a pub drowning my sorrows pawning the goods that I steal from the already poor families. Then in walks this high elf with long braided hair down to her ass; an ass by the way, that was hanging out of her short shorts. She seemed to give zero fucks about that though. She was followed by about five scrappy looking men probably all houndin for that ass in the first place. She was out of all of their leagues; she was definitely out of mine. They sat at the corner of the room at the darkest table and lit a single candle to huddle around in conversation. I think her eyes were blue no make that purple definitely purple. She was the hottest thing I've seen in a long time and I think she's the hottest thing I've ever seen.
Speaking of hot, was that purple smoke coming from her palm? I musta drank too much. Well pretty lady I thought to myself thanks for the diversion back to my drink. But then I heard words like gold treasure and spells. I don't really care for the magic and spells but I am a rogue and when you say treasure or gold my wood elf ears pay attention. I didn't see any other rogues in her group but I did see a couple barbarians and I fucking hate barbarians. She could've been a whore or a slave. No, check that, she's not a slave. One of the barbarians tried to make a pass at her by sliding his grotesque scarred man mitts up her perfectly toned thigh, and she smacked him so hard I think he's bleeding from his ear. This is a bad bitch. She got up from the table and walked over to the bar. A voice in my head heard her say.
(Don't be a little bitch in the shadows. Ya want me come talk to me. I'm right here.)
I shook my head and thought nope... Outta my league. Then I heard
(Fine be that way)
While my mind was talking to itself, my ferret came back to me to give me a heads up. I had sent him out from my bag when I heard gold and treasure to find out what the plan was so I could... Like a thief in the night take my take so to speak. I am the best thief out there thought to myself as I smile at my reflection in my dagger.
"Oi!"
Damn she's so fucking hot...
"Oi down here Breal!"
I'd eat that pussy until it ate me...
"Rogues are pansies!!"
"What the fuck ferret I was day dreaming?" I scorn glaring at the fuzzy lil beast.
"Well that chick is in trouble"
"That ass would be in trouble haha"
"Will you listen to me? There is no spells"
"Ok and?" I say giving zero fucks about spells.
"There is no treasure... and" he spoke softer.
"Wait don't say it, don't you freaking dare ferret!"
My ferret took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. "There is no go-"
"Oh come on!! Damn it man" I spoke with gritted teeth hoping for an easy score.
"Breal I don't think ya get it."
"Yea, I do my furry little fucker there is no gold."
"Yes, that and that prostitute is in trouble."
"She's not a prostitute not with those shoes," I said wondering why I was so shoe savvy.
"Those guys she came in with are gonna kill her and take her ring," he said.
"That is a nice ring... Wait kill her?"
"That's what they said."
"Damn it ferret, why did you tell me that?"
"Because sir... You're not an ass."
"Back in the bag ya fuzzy cock holster...do I look like the kinda guy that saves women?" I lean over to him and whisper, "The answer is hell no."
In a mumbled whisper the ferret mumbles, "Fuck you, ya rogue piece of shit."
"What was that?"
"Nothing sir... Gnight"
Well it was looking to be a good night full of riches and bitches, but tis not to be. Tick tock... Hmmm what to do? And why does she keep looking over here? Her eyes are different it's as if like she's pleading and worried. She keeps playin with her ring and they keep eyeing it...hungry eyes. I know that hungry look. It's why I do what I do. That furry little rat was right. They'll probably rape her too.
Did she just nod yes?
Couldn't have been to me-fuck it I'd want to fuck that ass too. That perfect juicy limber ass. She probably deserves what she gets. Who am I to help her? I'm just a wood elf archer that steals shit.
Is that a tear she just wiped away?
After a while they get up. She isn't leading anymore. She's in the middle of them now. Why is the guy behind her got his hand on his sword? Well she's a goner. Peace out hottie it was nice seeing ya- that ass anyway. She turns around looked into my soul it felt like.
(I can't take them all alone. Help and I'm yours)
There goes my mind talking to me again. I look at my glass finish it and when I look up she's gone.
Something purple is written on the table in a smoky haze.
-It's not in your mind-
It vanishes.
Holy shit! She's a witch or something. Crap that was real?
-I'm yours-
Am I drunk? I stand up flip, because I can, climb the wall to the rafters and I'm out the vent. Nope, I'm not drunk and I'm not paying either. I got a damsel and that ass to save.
I follow the trail because I'm a--
Where the fuck is his head? I think to myself as I come across one of her escorts on the trail leading to the woods.
Ok... She's a fighter good buys me time
I see a purple explosion and I'm thrown to the ground by the shock. I shake it off, and get to a clearing. Trees are blown over and two bodies are scattered all over the place dead. How did I know they're dead? Because when your torso arms and legs are separated by multiple yard lengths you figure it out. It looked as if they blew apart from the inside. Well that leaves the barbarians. I look up to see...her. A purple aura surrounds her. Her eyes glow purple and purple flames surround her hands.
The two barbarians are behind a rock. One blows a horn while he takes cover.
In my head I hear
(Took you long enough)
I think...Don't think ya needed my help after all seeing the gents spewed in pieces back there. Why did you act like that? Like you were helpless? Giving me the impression you needed me to save you?
(I thought you were cute)
I blush a bit. "Watch this." I notch my arrow and it let it fly nailing the barbarian in the knee. He used to be a barbarian. Then he took an arrow to the knee. She laughs so loud it echoes through the glen. She's in my head again
(We are not outta the woods yet)
The horn was a reinforcement call
"Damn it. We are so fucked." I say counting my arrows.
(We'll be fine don't be such a pussy)
"I am what I eat. How are you in my mind?"
(Tell ya later)
And just like that a horde of barbarians storm the clearing. Arrows and axes bounce off of her like nothing. Barbarians don't see me yet. I gotta call to make myself. I blow one of my many whistles. At first it sounds like thunder, and the barbarians look up as if it were if fact thunder. They're so dumb. Just then 20 giant deer with antlers sharp as daggers run through the horde and gore about 7 of them spraying the field like a fertilizer.
"Neat trick" she says.
"Thanks" I say smiling like I just did something impressive in front the popular girl.
"My turn." She does some weird hand shit. And my deer grow about ten sizes and that purple aura cover their antlers. They go at the horde again and kick, thrash, stab and gore 20 barbarians.
Fuck me, I think to myself.
(Soon) She says in my mind
Then this black smokey fog comes outta nowhere, and covers the dead followed by a skeleton in a long dank black torn up robe. My deer flee from the darkness, and I wonder why until...FUCK! He raised all the dead.
"I want the ring" it says.
"Fuck off" she yells as if raising dead barbarians is child's play.
I think as I turn to the trees in retreat ... Ummm, honey dearest, this guy seems like a bad ass
In my head again (Fuck that. Watch.)
The fog goes purple and the dead turn on the ugly skeleton dooche. His counter magic was no match for her power and control. The undead barbarians swallow up the skeleton like a rack of ribs.
Now what? I think to myself.
She flexes a finger and they all drop to the earth again dead.
"What about these two idiots?" I say, now that I don't have to hide my position anymore. Referring to the two initial barbarians behind the rock.
She says "They can watch."
"Watch?"
"Yep" She says with a teasing smirk, looking at me with anticipation.
Purple flash.
The barbarians are now tied to the tree and there is a bed in the middle of a clearing of the dead.
"If you can catch me, I'm yours." She says.
"Umm, excuse me dearie how do you know I'm interested?" I gulp, knowing full well that my man dagger is about to rip a whole in my trousers.
"Well, by that." She points to my package so to speak. And the knot of leather starts to undo itself loosening my bottoms. I catch it before I end up pant less in the woods.
"Oh you're a freak." I say amused and intimidated at the same time.
"You have no idea" She says with a smile circling me in a slow cat like grace.
"What's your name witch?"
"Catch me and I'll think about telling you and I'm an Enchantress not a bitch witch. They're ugly."
"Fine." I say
There is no one I know faster than me. I'm close to her within seconds.
Poof gone.
She is now 20 yards further. Hmmm, she teleported or something. This is going to be hard I think to myself.
(Your dick is hard)
