Remis Paramour

A World of Womencraft story

The village was in flames, and Remi charged right in. Wails of the dying villagers were like the calls of malevolent eidolon unseen in the walls of smoke and fire. Remi darted through alleyways and began her madcap sprint for the castle walls. The raid on the village had been quick and without warning. Blood soaked bodies, some writhing and others forever still, littered the sides of the main roadway like discarded refuse. Large feral men on the backs of black archons circled around the edges of the village to cut down stragglers. The raid has been too fast to make use of the castle walls. Raiders had attacked from the castle side of the village to push the villagers away from it. Tychus was arrogant but not stupid; he had a strong grasp of the fundamentals of warfare.

At the castle gate, several of the raiders shuffled about on their archons, restless and eager to plunder the vaults of the castle. Tychus was not among them. Remi approached slowly. She wasn't even a single stride in height and went unnoticed by the agitated raiders crowded around the gate. Some of the men had decided to take their axes to the wooden portal but found their weapons implanted in the thick darkwood, decorating the gate with half embedded axes. The other raiders on their mounts laughed at the effort. Remi moved to the ruins of a half burnt home and watched the scene unfold.

"Where in the hells is Tychus?" roared one of the mounted raiders, his beard long and thick and his muscles covered in sweat and blood.

"Managing from his cloud, I imagine," said another raider with a chuckle. The other raiders chuckled or grumbled their disapproval depending on their opinions of Tychus.

"Pretty fuck thinks he can sit a mile away while we do all the work?"

"Was his idea to take the castle."

"Aye, and what's his lordsdam idea for breeching the door?"

"Aye, fall a tree and batter the gate, ya' goblin fuckin', half wits." A much older raider with grey streaks in his dark beard nodded towards the woods that encroached on the castle from the north side. Remi felt her face go warm at the insult to goblins but kept her composure. The burly raider who seemed to be in charge muttered some curse at his elder, dismounted from his archon, and entered the forest with a group of men under his command. Remi slipped silently to an unscorched home and watched as the raiders chopped at a thick tree at least thirty feet in height. The raiders made short work of the tree which tipped over with a tear and series of loud cracks. The tree fell to the ground with a soft thump braced by the snapping branches under its descent. Wood chips flew and the ground became coated with leafy branches as the raiders worked like a seasoned lumber team. They carved notches into the fallen tree then laced rope through the notches, creating a battering ram that swung on the length of ropes.

"Alright, the rest of you, help us with this lordsdam ram already, 's heavy as fuck." The burly leader pointed at each raider to grab an end of rope until the ram was hefted into the air by sixteen raiders, eight on each side. Nearly the entire raiding party was forced to contribute, including the elder. The raiders took small careful steps as they guided the ram to the gate.

"Turn, ya' fuck wits! In the front stay still. Everyone near me swing wide," shouted the leader, lining up the ram with the gate.

"Alright, now on my two count, if ya' fucks can count that high. One, TWO! One, TWO!"

Each count saw the ram swing backwards on "one" and crash into the gate on "two". At first the ram appeared to have no effect on the stalwart gate, but after a dozen collisions, the gate hinges creaked and the wood at the ram's contact point began to splinter.

Remi moved back to her hiding spot near the charred remnants though she doubted anyone would have noticed her at that point even if she walked into the roadway completely naked. Just a few more hits and the gate would splinter wide enough for her to slip in with plenty of time before any of the raiders could get their pale asses past the door.

The hinges of the gate squealed like sea birds, and large splinters flew from the seams where the ram made contact. A sizeable chunk of wood fell into the gate, large enough for maybe a hand to fit through.

"There we go, just a few more hits and those vaults are ours," said the raid leader. Another strike and another splinter of wood fell away. Another crash and a bigger hole. Remi watched, waiting for just the right moment when she could squeeze in. More splinters flew with another hit. Had anyone wanted, they could have stuck their head in the hole and seen what awaited on the other side. Another large chunk of wood broke away. Remi made her move.

She dashed into the roadway and towards the raiders, her red ponytail bobbing as she ran. She leapt onto the swinging battering ram and charged down its length. As the ram made another collision with the gate, the hole became just big enough for her to fit through, maybe.

"The hells is that?" said one of the raiders as she passed him. The ram stopped its motion. Remi drew her shortswords and tucked them against her forearms, diving for the crack in the gate. She felt the splintered hole tear at her sides as she broke through. With her eyes closed, Remi anticipated touching ground and rolling out, but instead found herself wedged in the hole, her generous hips unable to squeeze through. A chorus of chuckles erupted from the raiders. As she squirmed and kicked, unable to leverage herself, she threw her swords to the ground and pushed against the gate with her hands.

"And what do we have here?" said a voice. She looked up to find a group of Guards in the courtyard of the castle.

"A little raider cunt sent to take the castle?" A Guard brandished his spear and drove it towards Remi's face. Remi shielded herself with her bare arms and expected to die when she was pulled back through the hole. One of the raiders had her by the ankle and dangled her upside down for the group to see. He had a shit eating grin above his beard.

"Well, look at the little goblin cunt. I bet you'll make a fine fuck puppet with those hi--GAHHH! LORDS HELP MEH!"

Before he was allowed to elaborate his intentions for Remi's tiny body, she pulled an iron petal from her belt and cast it into the raider's eye. His face was coated in blood as he howled and dropped her onto the ram. Remi wasted no time in forcing herself through the hole again, pinching her hips together so she could squeeze in. On the other side of the hole she found the Guard from before trying to remove his spear from the gate, the head of which was impaled in the thick darkwood. Remi rolled for her shortswords, stood, and slashed the tendon in the Guard's ankle through his boot. The Guard screamed in agony and toppled to the ground. Remi drove her shortsword into his neck to silence him. She retracted her sword from his tender neck and flicked his blood on the bare earth.

She was in the courtyard of the castle now. It was not very big; she had seen palaces and courtyards at least thirty times its size during her travels. This castle and courtyard was actually intended for service though. It was just large enough for the village to wait out a raiding party if the time came. The only people in the courtyard were her and three more Guards protecting a short staircase which led to a wide set of wooden doors. All three Guards had their spears ready as they approached Remi. There was no feasible way she could defeat them as a group. Before they could come to blows, the crashing began at the gate again. The raiders were close to breaking the door down.

"You can waste your time chasing me around the courtyard until the raiders collect your heads, or you can mount a proper defense and hope someone stops me in the castle. I'll have a hells of a time getting through that door anyway," said Remi. The Guards were visibly shaken, spears trembling in their hands. A large chunk of the gate burst out and fell to the ground.

"Go fucking stab them before they get in!" shouted Remi, pointing to the gate. The front Guard swallowed and ran to the gate, driving his spear into the opening which elicited a cry of pain from the other side. A second Guard followed suit, driving his spear through the opening at the gate and skewering anyone who got too close. The third Guard though, his eyes would not leave Remi. Remi circled towards the door, but the Guard would not stop watching her.

"I ain't here to kill you or your wards, just want to loot the vault before those fucks get to it. I ain't on their side," said Remi. The last Guard moved to the gate and helped with the defense of the tiny castle. He threw a single glance over his shoulder to make sure Remi was not approaching him. Instead of attempting the door which was most likely barricaded with every piece of furniture in the castle, Remi scouted for the secret that Tychus had given her. On the south wall of the courtyard was a barren flower bed lined with stones. The only decorations in the bed were a stone bench, a stone a bit bigger than a hume head, and a sad frail tree most likely dead. Remi used all the strength in her tiny body to roll the stone over and found a hatch buried in several inches of soil and decomposing wood chips.

"Fucker was right." Remi sheathed her shortswords and drew her daggers to use as trowels. She drove her daggers into the dry dead soil, cutting chunks away and flipping them off the hatch.

"I knew you were with them." The Guard who had lingered on her earlier lunged at Remi with his spear. She had been so caught up in unearthing the secret passageway, she had not sensed his approached over the shouting of the raiders outside. His spear tip found her left shoulder and pinned her to the ground. She cried out in anguish, sounding more like a wounded animal than an adult woman. The pain was sharp and searing and threatened to override her combat senses. She sucked air and tried to will her mind past the explosion of pain in her nearly severed shoulder.The Guard stepped on her chest and removed his spear. She lay unmoving, slowing her breathing as much as possible.

"Rolenson, we need you at the gate!" shouted one of the Guards just as the gate ripped opened with a crash and the raider horde poured in like sewage from a busted aqueduct. The Guards at the gate were quickly cut down. Remi kept her eyes closed and her body still..

"Wait, I wish to join you," said the Guard as the raiders bore down on him. Remi allowed her one eye to open imperceptibly to watch. Rolenson threw his spear down and raised his hands in the air as he approached the horde.

"I did not mean to kill your ally. For that I apologize." Rolenson turned his head toward Remi then back to the raiders.

"Cunt was no ally of ours. 's good you put the fuck out of her misery," said the burly raider with the most impressive beard.

Rolenson's posture relaxed upon hearing his words. "I-I'll do anything you ask. I'll start at the bottom. Shine boots. Whatever you ask, just please let me live."

"We need another fuck boy," said one of the raiders which elicited a wave of laughs through out the raiding party. Even their leader let out a chuckle. Rolenson's body tensed again.

"Aye, we're just fucking with you, lad," said the leader, "you get us in that keep and we'll see about keeping you."

"I wasn't. I want that pretty mouth," said the voice from before. Rolenson looked to the leader for help.

"How do we get inside that keep, boy?" said the leader.

"I, I, well, on that walkway up there." Rolenson pointed to a stone walkway built into the castle walls which circled the entire perimeter. "There's hatches that lead directly into the castle."

"And why not just take that door right there and be done with you?" said the leader. Rolenson swallowed.

"I have no doubt you can break the door down but it is fortified from within by extra timber and all the castle's fixtures. It would be hours before you could break through. If, if you just prop your ram on the walkway, you could climb it..."

"Ha!" said the leader, clapping Rolenson on the back, "wicked lad. Smart and wicked. You heard him, ya' fucks. Set that ram up and let's get climbing."

The ram was brought into the courtyard, but the weight of it gave the raiding party more trouble than they expected as they tried to set it up right and against the wall. The ram was over thirty feet long and must have weighed several hundred pounds. Every time the group managed to walk the one end more than ten feet in the air, the other end slid in the dirt. Their leader furiously scolded them but did nothing to improve the situation.

Once she was sure that all attention was on the ram/ladder, Remi slowly rolled over and reached in the hole that she had been digging. The wound in her shoulder ached nightmarishly and she could make no use of her left arm. She drank the pain potion on her hip and was able to overcome the injury enough to focus on finishing her task. With her dirty green hands she traced the edges of the stone hatch and lifted it open. She entered feet first, moving slowly enough that she hoped no one would notice. In the hatch were metal rungs secured to a stone shaft which led into darkness. She was unable to close the hatch while keeping a hand on the metal rungs with her arm so horribly damaged. The shaft only went a few feet below ground and stopped at a tunnel that was darker than an archon's butthole. Remi took the metal rungs carefully, moving her feet first, then quickly releasing and gripping each rung until her feet touched the cold slimy floor.

Remi cradled her damaged arm as she jogged through total darkness underground. The only noises were the soft patter of her feet on wet stone, the drip of water somewhere in the tunnel, and the distant unrest of the raiders trying to invade the castle. At the end of the short tunnel, a dim seam of light split the darkness like a curtain. Remi reached through the light and found a stone wall with more metal rungs. She climbed the metal rungs with care and used her head to push open another hatch. The hatch led into a dim room where she reached around in the darkness for clues. The room was small, not much bigger than a closet. Three of the walls were cobbled stone, the fourth was wood. She felt every inch of the wooden wall then pushed on it. The wall swung out revealing a castle kitchen with a cutting table, dry sink, two ovens, and one window above the sink, too small for a hume but not a goblin.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Tychus?" Remi burned with fury that Tychus would fail to inform her of such an easy point of breach.

"Gonna fuckin' hear from me when I get back, better believe it," Remi grumbled to herself as she pushed open the kitchen door and entered the main hall. The main hall felt haunted as such a large structure was completely devoid of life. Tapestries decorated its length, but the absence of people gave the dark hall an eerie quality.

"Fuckin' spooky in here," said Remi as she searched for her prize. She slowed to a walk as the effects of the pain potion had worn off, and it hurt her shoulder just to move. The hall was exceptionally dark with the only light from narrow slits in the stone. Unlit, wrought iron chandeliers hung from the ceiling at intervals. Remi stopped and peered into the courtyard through one of the slits in the hallway. The raiders had the ram upright finally and now had come to fists arguing over who would get to climb first and breach the castle. Some of the smaller raiders had decided to try their axes at the front door, knowing they would never be allowed up the ladder first.

"Buncha' fat hairy idiots," Remi muttered to herself. Not much further down the haunted hallway was a massive stack of furniture and service armor in a pile braced by a makeshift wooden frame that blocked the main door. Opposite the barricade was an impoverished throne room. There were no signs of the Lord's wealth or decadence, just a finely crafted wooden throne and some decently made chairs for whoever sought counsel. Remi couldn't help herself as she hefted herself into the throne and briefly imagined herself as a Lord. She imagined poor men coming to her court and begging favors, deciding who lived and who died. She would bless marriages and purchase male paramours to satisfy her sexual appetites. Hells, she could be one of the depraved Lords who forced her court to watch as her paramours satisfied her. Before she could imagine the depraved things she would do to her purchased lovers, Remi was brought back to reality by the soft thumps of the axes at the front door. She removed herself from the throne and nearly fell over as her vision blurred and her faculties did somersaults. She lifted her damage arm with a cry of anguish to see the side of her tunic coated with blood.

"Fuck, I got to get moving before they turn me into dog scraps." Remi threw her good shoulder into the side of the throne. Just like Tychus had explained, behind the throne was another secret passage. Remi moved the throne just enough for her tiny frame to squeeze through and slowly descended down the cold stone steps. At the bottom she could barely make out a wooden door in the stairway. Having no other course of action, Remi decided to knock. There was no answer.

"I know you're in there," shouted Remi, "Lord Tychus has sent me to save you. The horde has breached your gates. It's time to leave."

"Who are you?" came a man's voice, most likely hume and on in age.

"My name is Remi. Lord Tychus has dispatched me to lead your family to safety. We must go now. There is no time."

Some mechanisms moved inside the door, and it swung open. Inside was a decently dressed man with a sword on his hip. In the back was a trembling woman cradling a crying girl no more than twelve. All of them were hume and clearly had some money based on their clothes. The only other occupant was a Guard in some decent armor with his spear inches from Remi's throat.

"How did you enter the castle?" The Guard looked ready to make a kebab out of Remi if she gave the wrong answer.

"Easy now. I found the kitchen window. Small enough for a goblin. I nearly got my head lopped off by a raider for my troubles. We don't have any time. We must go," said Remi.

"We'll trust in our walls," said the older hume, the Lord of the village.

"Your gate is destroyed. The raiders are entering with the help of your Guard Rolensen. He is leading them in by the upper walkway. LISTEN! You must follow me, or you will die. Those are your only options." Remi did not wait for an answer. She simply turned and walked away. There was no discussion from the group, but they decided to follow her. After they took the stairs, the Guard decided to lead them. As they turned into the main hall, they froze as the raider horde barreled down the north wing.

"We have to go through the kitchen! It's the only way that hasn't been compromised." Remi took control and ran for the kitchen as fast as her stubby legs could carry her. The agony in her shoulder was a minor distraction compared to the thoughts of the raiders butchering her.

"How do you know about THAT?" The Guard, easily outpaced her as he led their group down the hall. The raiders hooted and laughed as they pursued them.

"I'll explain everything when we aren't all dead," said Remi. The kitchen was as dim and empty as she had left it. After everyone was inside, the Guard slammed the door and shoved the cutting table against it.

"You must go, my Lord. I'll hold them off as long as possible," said the Guard as large splinters of wood exploded from the kitchen door. No one wasted any time arguing.

"Thank you, Joleson." The Lord gave him a quick hug and a meaningful look. Remi saw that the fake wall was actually a cupboard which swung on hinges.The Lord of the castle picked up Remi without permission and hopped down the shaft only after his wife and daughter were down first. If her arm wasn't in horrible condition, Remi would have stabbed him in the face for the indignity of being cradled like a child.