Peter June And The Whatevers

Our thanks go to the numerous people from all around the world who have attempted to assist the author in preparing this story for posting. However like most files on his hard drive, it has been much fiddled-with since it was first posted on-line.

Some readers might find this one a little difficult to understand, but is that unusual for a Wanderer story? Anyway as the characters themselves have little idea what the devil is going on; so the reader should not feel alone. Another of DC's little tongue in cheek compositions that is not intended to be taken seriously.

Colloquial clarification: 'Gander' and 'Shufti' are both euphemisms for 'look'.

*

There are times when you should know -- right from the get-go -- that something unnatural is going on that ain't exactly kosher! Like I did the night I awoke at some unearthly hour and instantly became aware that standing beside the foot of my bed was an apparition... To-whit, one patently beautiful and very naked female!

In fact, I could only just make out her form; but I could see enough to recognise that she was completely sans apparel, and that her figure... well it went in and out in all the right places, if you get my drift.

Unfortunately, that gave me just enough information to work out exactly whom the woman had to be, as well.

The fact that I'd married the lady in question some six years previously might make you just a little curious as to why I would be so surprised by her presence. Or perhaps you're wondering why I was more than slightly perturbed to find her standing there... totally naked, bedside my bed!

Well the point is... you see... after the first few days, our marriage could not have been described as a good one. It really hadn't lasted very long -- roughly eighteen months to be precise! Before all the shouting was over, and those 'Legal Eagle tossers' had taken their exorbitant screw.

Yeah well, we can't all get it right the first time, can we? It seemed to me, that shortly after our nuptials June had turned into a right... no, lets leave that for the present, you'll get the idea as we get further along, I'm sure!

Anyway, June always claimed that it was me who had turned into a miserable old git! And to be honest, she was possibly quite correct there. But, when just a few days after you've taken your vows, you learn that you've been kept in the dark... no, not just yet!

Where was I? Oh yeah, that night in my bedroom!

After carefully studying the apparition for a short while -- as best I could, considering the lack of ambient illumination -- I convinced myself that I just had to be dreaming. So, trying my best to ignore the vision... not such a simple task when it's an incarnation of June's naked form standing before you; imaginary or otherwise!

Bugger, for a short while there, I had even been tempted to turn the bloody bedside light on; so that I could get me a better gander!

But I also figured, that putting some illumination on the scene would probably rouse me from my slumber... my dream world anyway. Consequently I discounted the idea, and then -- after getting a right-good-eyeful, as best I could -- I turned over and tried to...

Well, I'm not quite exactly sure what the hell I was trying to do really. Pretend that June was not in my dream world anymore, I suppose! And, maybe even attempting to convince that dream world to take me somewhere that I would find a little more... relaxing... conducive to a good nights rest.

"Well, that's bloody nice! I come to visit my loving husband for the first time in God knows how many years, and he turns his back on me!" June's dulcet tones suddenly filled the void of silence.

If I had been asleep, then that surely would have woken me. Hence my confusion during the next few minutes, when I wasn't too sure if I was awake or not. One has to take into account that the actual fact that it was June's apparent presence that was doing it's best to convince me that I had to be dreaming.

"You're not here June! I'm dreaming; go away!" I mumbled.

"Oh, have nice dreams about me all the time, do you, Pete? That is flattering!" That all too well remembered voice, replied.

"No I don't, June! Dreams in which you feature are usually classified under the heading 'recurring nightmares!' Now go away, please! Get off my bloody cloud, will you?" I found myself replying quite forcefully.

"Ooh, is my lover-boy still a little rattled with me? Come on lover, I'd have thought you'd have got over all that by now!"

"June... Jesus, what am I doing, talking to a sodding dream... a fantasy? Nothing but a figment of my troubled imagination. An illusion conjured up by my tormented, tortured unconscious mind. I must be going completely bleeding bonkers!"

"Hey, I'm no fantasy, lover. Although I might be an illusion! You know, I don't understand how any of this works! Turn on the light and you'll see that I won't disappear. Or at least... I don't think I will!"

The apparition... June, didn't sound too sure of herself either.

"You know, they were a little bit vague about how all this was going to work!" she went on. "They kept me there for hours, God knows how long, explaining everything. But it all came at me so fast that it's kinda hard to remember exactly what they said now. And well, they were pretty vague about just about everything really.

"But they insisted that... When it comes down to brass tracks, that you are my best bet! You know, I'm not really supposed to be here anyway, Peter; but they've bent the rules a little, just for little ol' me!"

"What the hell are you babbling on about...?

Kind-a loosing my decorum slightly; I'd got frustrated; sat up in bed and switched on the light. That light suddenly allowed to me get a far better shufti at June's... er, physical attributes, and in consequence I dropped in a couple of, involuntary, reactionary type... exclamations. That without that shock element, I'd have preferred not to have uttered.

"Jesus wept, you are here... and looking even better than I remember if anything!"

Luckily though, I quickly regained a little composure and hurriedly came up with some pertinent questions to fire at the apparition.

"Er, anyway, as I was saying, June! Just what the hell are you babbling on about, and why are you here? Come to that, how did you get in here for a start?" I demanded.

June threw me that enchanting smile of hers again, and then she did a little catwalk type twirl. In at least one respect, the woman knew exactly what she was dong!

Damn that figure of hers, and damn that ruddy smile as well! That sodding smile had captured my heart the first time she'd thrown it my way in the university library.

And, along with June's other -- all too obvious physical -- attributes, had kept me on a pretty tight-leash right up until the day they'd dropped the bomb on me, five days following our wedding.

From that day forwards we drifted apart; our arguments always centring around ... well money. And you might find it surprising when I say, not for the lack of it either!

-------

I suppose I'd better explain. When I'd met June at Uni, she was just another student struggling to pay her way through college like almost everyone else; or so I and everyone else thought. June even had a part-time job back then, and never appeared to be rolling in the readies. Consequently, I had not the slightest idea that she hailed from a much more affluent family background than myself. Albeit one that had mostly skipped one generation.

In fact -- I discovered much later -- June's parents weren't exactly well-off themselves; but her grandfather had been bleeding-well loaded!

Her grandparents had disowned June's mother when she'd insisted on marrying a man they did not approve of. I gather that June's grandparents were of the opinion that her father had been after the family assets or something along those lines anyway. So they'd disowned their daughter (June's mother) when she insisted on marrying the guy. Effectively excluding June's mother from the family, and any access to the extensive family assets.

When June and I had met -- and while we were courting -- I had not been informed that June's grandfather had bequeathed all of his worldly worth to his only grandchild; nor that that grandchild was June. Neither had I been informed that - since her grandfather had toddled-off to meet his maker, some years previously -- June was set to inherit his private empire on her thirtieth birthday, or... on the solemnisation of her marriage; whichever came first!

What came first was our bleeding wedding of course, and that inheritance brought with it the demise of a once beautiful relationship.

Now one might think, "What's this dumb-arse complaining about? After all, he married a real looker, who had a bleeding fortune tucked away in the bank!"

Hey, I had no objection to all that cash. Although I had never figured that the title of "kept man" would ever used to describe me!

No, I was fine with the cash. What got up my nose, was all the ... well, brown-nosing -- I suppose you'd could all it -- that went along with all that wealth.

Cocktail and dinner parties, formal receptions and things... and all the ruddy charity functions June was expected to attend once she got her feet under the table.

I'm not the formal dress type at the best of times; I never have been! And my inherent frankness, somewhat down-to-earth colloquial -- and all to often, very basic -- use of the English language, raised quite a few eyebrows at some of those functions.

I can't say my politics fitted in very well with that crowd either! I'm not a follower of any particular political doctrine. I suppose, if anything, I lean to the left! But I've always held strong views about the untrustworthiness of the cosy close relationships some... no sod-it, most, politicians (left, right or bleeding centre) have with those bleeding 'Types' in the City who are only interested in lining their own pockets.

And then unexpectedly, there I was, married to someone who had suddenly morphed into one of those 'Types!"

And then there all those miscellaneous people from all over the shop (June's financial empire) who were in the habit of turning up at all times of day and night, with papers for June to read and sign; or to have 'business conferences' with her.

That was the first I knew about my wife's windfall, by the way; when some stuffed-shirt tosser turned up at our honeymoon suite door with oodles of paperwork for June to read through and sign; less than halfway through our ruddy honeymoon!

There we were -- at eight o'clock that morning -- doing what honeymooners traditionally do best, when there's a knock at the bedroom door.

Yeah well, when I crawled out of bed I had thought that it was our breakfast arriving!

And then I made the mistake of letting the officious looking flunky into the room, when he explained that he needed to see June on a matter of great importance.

And that was (effectively) the last I saw (knew, in the biblical sense) of my new wife, until well after eight that evening.

I believe that same evening saw the beginning of the end of our marriage.

Oh, I never recognised it at the time. I was just as shocked and enthusiastic about June's good fortune as she was!

But then -- everyday for the rest of our honeymoon -- some character or other would turn-up wanting to see June, alone, for a while.

We'd no sooner returned home to our nice little new home in rural Bedfordshire, when June's presence was required at the offices in the City; or at some function up in London, anyway. I went along with her that first time, and we stayed-over that night in what had been her grandfather's penthouse flat in the City. A somewhat larger abode than our own dwelling, by the way.

The next day I had to return to our little house. Because of-course, I had my own job to go to. But June had more meetings on that day and eventually she stayed-over at -- what was to rapidly become -- 'her City flat' for a second night; returning to rural Bedfordshire the following day.

I should add, that I don't really believe that June had been fully aware of the extent of her grandfather's legacy before our wedding. She's always claimed -- and I have no reason not to believe her -- that she'd thought that our nuptials would herald the release of a ten, maybe twenty or even possibly, a thirty thousand pound windfall.

June told me that she had planned that it would be a nice little surprise for me when we got back from our honeymoon. She'd thought her inheritance would possibly finance a new car and help to lower our mortgage a little.

When she'd learnt the full extent of her grandfather's holdings, it had genuinely shaken her. That was patently clear to me the first day she learned of its true extent, on our honeymoon. Although she hadn't foreseen the implications it might hold.

Where the problem for us really came in was, that at university June had taken business studies, and from the instant she did fully understand what her inheritance included; June became completely fascinated by it all.

It was a fact, that June's grandfather had had little direct contact with the companies he controlled for some years preceding his demise. Knowing that his health had been failing the old boy had placed overall control and the day-to-day running of his assets into the hands of people he trusted. Those same guys had run everything up until June fulfilled the requirements of the old bugger's will.

Theoretically those guys could have gone on running the show. But as I said, June was fascinated by the whole damn kit-an'-caboodle.

And to make maters worse, those same people who had been running the show, liked the idea of having a beautiful young figurehead to publicise all the good works for which the organisation was responsible.

They saw June as a publicity asset, someone who'd definitely catch the press (and society photographers') attention at all those charity do's and the like.

I really do not believe that those guys were expecting someone with anything like as much business savvy, as June turned out to have. Nor had they expected her to want to know 'chapter and verse' of just about everything that went on within the extensive organisation.

I believe they had expected (and wanted) a nice innocent, little fluffy kitten, whom they could bend to their wishes.

They found themselves lumbered with an inquisitive killer lion. Who knew exactly what she was doing and had a heart of iron. And once she'd got her feet properly under the table, someone who took no prisoners amongst any of them!

In consequence our marriage began to fall apart rather rapidly. June always wanted to be in the thick of things at the office, so that she could keep up with developments throughout the whole organisation.

And, I had my cushy little number out in the sticks. Not exactly my dream job, but near enough. As a student of archaeology, a position with a private museum weren't the best. But they encouraged me to get involved with archaeology digs and investigations locally, and it would do me until I found something more fulfilling.

I'm sure you can imagine how it went. Monday through Thursday -- and very often Friday night as well -- June stayed-over in the City flat. Well, as I understand it most evenings she was one of the last to leave the offices. She was also -- I'm reliably told -- very often one of the first of the top floor incumbents to arrive there as well. There just weren't enough hours in the day, for June to travel out to Bedfordshire every night. Consequently our relationship developed into a kind of weekend affair.

At the beginning, we both made a conscious effort to keep things going. If June didn't come home on the Friday evening (Saturdays all-too-often as well), because there was some function or the other that she had to attend; then I would travel up to town to go with her.

But as I've already mentioned, those formal do's (almost all of them tended to be of that type) and me... well, we just didn't mix very well! I wasn't a great hit at any of the dinner parties June was invited to either. Basically because I'm a little too outspoken about my views on... well, just about anything really. I'm a spade is a spade, type person and there's no two ways about it!

Even when I was at school 'diplomat' could never have been included in a list of my possible career options, if you get my drift?

Although a royalist, I hold a rather dim view of most of the idiots who habitually frequent the Houses of Lords and Commons, and the vast majority of the folks who work in (or rather control) the City of London. Or, in general, most people who consider themselves to be part of the upper (or ruling) class.

I can't say that many of the modern (so called) 'celebrities' impress me much, either! You know, film and pop stars, or -- it seems -- any idiot who can get their face on the bloody TV or into the newspapers nowadays.

Yeah. I do mean 'idiot's', most of them. The depths some will people sink to, just to get their picture into the newspapers or on TV, really does amaze me!

The fact, that my new wife was considered part of the establishment, by that time and rapidly became a celebrity as far as the press and media were concerned; didn't help smooth the waters of our rapidly deteriorating relationship.

And, I'll happily admit to telling more than one hopeful reporter to "eff-off!" when they approached me asking for an interview. They probably really wanted an interview with June, but she had her publicity advisors gathered closely around her by then; so only approved reporters got with a hundred yards of her.

Now, I can't say that June didn't try to make it work; I have to admit that! But with hindsight, the only thing she really could have done -- to save our relationship -- was to have left those tossers' running her grandfather's empire in the first place. But June had rapidly become completely distracted by what she perceived as her new responsibilities!

When it became obvious that things were going downhill (fast), June tried to organise a job for me inside -- what was by then -- her empire. I was offered the position of historical and archaeological consultant to the whole damned organisation. On not a bad little screw, I might add!

I even went up to the City and looked over the bleeding great office that would be my domain. However, I could not discover from anyone, what my duties would actually involve. It soon became clear to me, that no one in the place knew what I would be supposed to do, either.

It was pretty obvious to me, that June had instructed some flunky to find me a job that would require me to move up to and live in the City with her full time. And her minions had promptly invented one that they thought would fit my talents. Well, a job title anyway, I doubt that any of those tossers had any idea what the job was supposed to involve anyway.

June's plan of course had been to get me living with her in the London flat. Which as I have already said was several times larger than our little 1930's house out in the wilds of Bedfordshire. However much to my wife's disappointment, I told her that the job would not be suitable.

No, I didn't tell June to stuff-it! You might not believe it, but I was still hoping that our marriage could somehow survive. But my turning the position down, did not exactly do much to enhance our rapidly faltering relationship.

Regretfully power (and money, or rather the excess of it) corrupts the mind, and June had suddenly found an excess of both dropped into her lap. What, with trying to understand every pie that her newfound empire had its fingers into. And reining-in those guys that had been pulling all the strings for the previous few years. June didn't really have the time to... placate a sulking husband.