"For the last time, Rabb, I'm not interested in men," Shai admonished. She followed that with an exasperated sigh that gave every indication she knew more begging would follow. "You're sweet, really, and I think you're a great friend, but that's all you're ever going to be to me." She had her arms crossed now, which did nothing but accentuate her ample bust. Her long black hair was tied back in a messy ponytail. Apparently, she had been cleaning when Rabb had come calling. She did not sound as pleased as he had hoped she would have been.
"But Shai," Rabb began, before she cut him off with a raised hand. He shut his mouth, pouting.
"I appreciate the gesture, I do," Shai said, motioning to the abundance of flowers and candies that were arrayed outside of the door to her apartment. "But Rabb, get it through your head. I'm a lesbian."
"So, what I'm hearing is I'm perfect except for the whole having a dick problem, yeah?" Rabb rallied, standing a bit straighter. At his full height he was still shorter than Shai, but he wasn't about to let something like a handful of millimeters stand between him and true love. He ran a hand through his short brown hair and tried on what he thought was his most winning smile. "If I can fix that, you'll go out with me?"
"Yeah, Rabb, that's exactly it," Shai said, rolling her eyes. "It's your dick." She looked over her shoulder and back into her apartment. "Look, Rabb, I've got to get back to cleaning. My mother is coming into town tomorrow, and I don't want to hear anything about anything."
Rabb gave her a quick thumbs up. "No problem, Shai."
And with that he went bounding off down the hallway. He slid down the handrail of the staircase that led to the ground floor of the inn Shai called home. Somewhere behind him he thought he heard Shai shout something about "these damn flowers" but he was too focused on his newest mission: becoming the woman of Shai's dreams.
Outside the Merry Hart Inn, Rabb nearly ran bodily into his friend Mala. As it was, he skidded to a halt, dust rising from under his boots and billowing into the air around them. Both succumbed to a coughing fit that turned into a laughing fit that turned into comfortable silence. Mala looked up at Rabb, smiling despite the cloud of dirt, and placed a hand on his upper arm.
"How'd she like the flowers and stuff? Did it work?"
Rabb sighed, looking defeated. "Not as such, but it did give me an avenue to a different kind of success." He grinned down at Mala, a mischievous twinkle in his hazel eyes.
"What is it? What did she say?" Mala asked, excited for her friend.
"Basically, the problem is all this meat I'm packing around," Rabb said, laughing.
Mala cocked her head to the side, confused, her short blonde hair framing her face. "Meat? What meat, Rabb?"
Rabb patted his crotch, winking. "If I get rid of this bad boy, Shai said she'd go out with me no problem."
"Get rid of...Rabb? No! You can't be serious!" Mala sounded horrified at the prospect.
"What? Oh, no, I'm not gonna, like, chop it off or nothin'," Rabb said, trying to reassure her. "I was thinking maybe we find a wizard, get them to turn me into a lady!"
"Rabb," Mala said, sounding completely uncertain of the plan, "I'm not sure that's such a promising idea. Wizards aren't usually known to help the little folk like us. They're more for the, y'know, right hands of the high and mighty." She pointed up and past the hill out of town, atop which sat the local castle. "The duke? Sure, he's got a wizard for all kinds of stuff, but us normals?" Mala shook her head. "It just isn't done."
"We'll just see about that, won't we?" Rabb said, grinning at Mala. "I'm sure once he hears all about my plight, I'll be sporting some killer tits in no time!"
Mala shook her head, but bit her tongue all the same, following behind Rabb as he took off at a light jog toward the castle on the hill. He was as good to look at from the back as he was from the front, she thought, admiring the way his ass filled out his trousers. If only he could know how much she loved him, how much she wanted him, how many nights she lay awake just thinking about him, maybe he wouldn't be so eager to go off and get blown up by an annoyed mage. As it was, she kept it all to herself, and did her best to keep Rabb's pace up the steep incline.
###
"I just don't get it," Rabb sighed, taking a swig from his flagon of ale. They had returned to the town proper, tails between their legs, and had taken to drinking at the tavern in the Merry Hart. "I thought wizards were all about helping knights errant on quests."
"Well Rabb, you're not that much of a knight, are you?" Mala pointed out, resting a soft hand atop his own. "And look, they didn't beat you that badly, right?"
"I know, I know," Rabb said, draining the rest of his drink in a series of large gulps. He belched loudly, setting his flagon down on the table between them and sighed again. "I just don't know what I'm going to do, Mala. This plan was perfect."
Mala looked unsure of that but didn't say anything to the contrary. "Well, what about the old witchwoman? The one in the woods outside of town? Maybe she might know some way to, I don't know, fix your problem?"
Rabb perked up at this, a thoughtful look playing across his face. "The witch. Of course. Why didn't I think of that?"
"I'm sure you would have, Rabb," Mala said, encouragingly. "You've just got a lot on your mind right now. I know how focused you can get when you think you've got the answer to some problem or other."
"I wonder, though. Witches are more, what, potion-y than wizards are. I was hoping to get a zap from a wand more than drinking mashed up newt eyes for a fortnight or whatever," Rabb said, looking unsure.
"I'm sure it isn't as bad as all that," Mala said, flagging down a passing waitress. "Another two ales, please." She turned back to Rabb. "We just need to fill you with a little more courage and you'll be good to go!"
Rabb smiled at her and patted the hand that was still resting on his own. "You're such a good friend, Mala."
She winced at that on the inside. It was such a sore spot. But he was so focused on this, so determined, and she loved him. She would do whatever it took to make him happy, even if it meant he wouldn't be with her. "You just drink up, Rabb, and we'll head out into the wilds." She took a deep drink from her own flagon, emptying it out before the refills came around. Maybe if she had a few more of these it wouldn't hurt as much to hear him go on about Shai. Maybe.
###
It was late afternoon by the time they drunkenly made their way into the woods outside of town. Mala had the foresight to bring along some camping gear in a pack she wore over her back. Rabb had been impatient, but he'd also had to piss like a horse from all the ale, so he'd obliged Mala getting prepared in exchange for using her outhouse.
The path was easy enough to find, marked as it was with the worst collection of windchimes either of them had ever seen. Skulls of small woodland creatures hung from a pair of withered old oaks. Whether they had died of natural causes or not was less important to Mala and Rabb than the chill that ran up their spines at the sound of their clattering together in the light breeze that ran through the trees. The skulls rattled and clacked together, swaying from their branches. It was portentous, for sure, but what it spoke of neither was quite certain.
Despite it being early summer, the woods themselves were cool and dry, the high canopy having blocked out most of the brutal heat beating down from the sun above. Though there were plenty of hours of sunlight left in the day, there was a gloom to this place that felt out of sorts. It was as though something, or someone, had cast a glamor over the whole area. Mala was sure it was the work of the witchwoman and said so.
"May be," Rabb agreed, before shouting in alarm. He danced around frantically, swiping at his face and body. "Spiders! Get them off me!"
Mala did her best to help knock away the few black bodies crawling over Rabb's back. It seemed that he'd mostly just gotten into the webbing, and she held back laughter at his panic. "You're okay, you're okay," she said calmingly, patting him on the arm. "I got the worst of them off you."
"Gods I hate spiders," Rabb said, shaking. He flicked his wrists as though he could shake off the webs that wrapped around his hands. "Gods, gods, gods, I hate spiders."
He looked around more carefully and picked out a path that took them through less arachnid-y territory. It wasn't much longer from then that they came across an old, lopsided cabin in a small clearing.
"This has to be it," Mala said, taking off her pack and setting it on the ground. She began to go through it while Rabb made his way toward the low building.
"Well, if this is it, I'm going to see if she's home," he said, and crossed the clearing in a hurry, deaf to Mala calling after him. He was on the porch in moments, the boards under his feet creaking uncertainly. A few more steps brought him to the front door where he knocked unceremoniously. The knocking echoed through the house and the clearing both. Rabb was determined not to be afraid, though his knees were awfully close to shaking. The spiders had thrown him off his game, and he was starting to have second thoughts about the whole affair. And then, the door opened.
Standing in the doorway was a shrunken old woman, half Rabb's height from the way she stooped over, cane in one wizened hand for support. "Who is that calls on Blind Aggie?"
"Rabb's my name, ma'am," he said, bowing low. He'd learned not to be so cocky after the beating the guards had given him when they had approached the castle gates. "I'm here to beg a favor."
"A favor, is it?" Blind Aggie said, looking him over. Her eyes ran across every millimeter of his body, taking him in. "Yes, I think you'll do. Come in, boy."
