Boom! Honk! Splat!
Those are the last sounds I heard as the clown car sped through my body, crushing my bones, splitting me in half and splattering my entrails across the road. I didn't really understand what happened, but one moment I was on a walk home after work, and the next, a clown car with no license plate flew out of a nearby intersection at breakneck speed, and destroyed me like a virgin's asshole at Epstein's parties.
Then, the blackness took me. The sweet release of death.
It was only after what felt like a short time, that I started to awaken. I looked around. I had no clothes on, and I could see two statistics floating in the corner of my vision.
Level: 1.
Paizuri Points: 0.
I knew what a level was, but what the heck were paizuri points? I never even knew what the word paizuri meant. I never heard the word before.
I looked around. It appeared I was in some sort of dungeon. In fact, it was a cave, lit by some sort of phosphorescent mushrooms. It was damp, and chilly. I really wished I had some clothes on, or even a blanket.
I walked forward with my hand on the wall, guided by the mushrooms' glow, hoping to find some sign of a way out. It didn't take me long to discover that this wasn't a normal dungeon. This place was a labyrinth.
The passages were so complex and convoluted, I soon realized there was no way for me to figure out the way to go.
"Is there anyone here?" I cried.
"Please, help me!" a voice shouted back. It was a woman's voice, and she sounded terrified.
I ran to where the sound came from. There, I found a young woman, perhaps in her twenties. She had red hair, blue eyes, and a cute button nose.
"Are you okay?" I asked her.
"Oh, thank the gods," the woman replied. "My name is Tarragon. I've been wandering this labyrinth for days, and I'm so glad to have run into another adventurer. We have to stick together. We might die if we split up, you know."
I nodded.
"I'll stick by your side. My name is Rye, by the way. What do you know about this place? How do we get out of here? What are the paizuri points for? What is that word, paizuri?"
Tarragon brought her hand to her mouth in surprise.
"How... do you not know about paizuri points? Did you really enter the labyrinth without knowing what paizuri is? Oh, my. This is a problem."
She looked at my body, then spoke again.
"You're not even wearing any equipment. What level are you, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Uh. One."
"Oh, my. This is bad. Very bad. So, so, very very bad. Um. Okay. Let me think. I don't have any items you can use, and my equipment isn't great. I could probably use some of it to make some basic clothing, though. I have a crafting skill."
"That would be great. I'm cold."
"Right. Okay. Give me a minute."
Tarragon took a piece of rope, and a tattered old shirt, and started rubbing them between her cleavage.
"Whoa, what the fuck?" I shouted.
"Oh, I forgot. You don't know what paizuri is. Uh. Well. You see. Paizuri points are gained from sexual acts. They increase the stats, which makes you more powerful. I am currently level 5. My class is Paizurisage."
"S-s-sexual acts?!"
"Yes, paizuri refers specifically to, uh, when a man, well, uses his penis to stimulate a woman's breasts. So men gain paizuri points by rubbing their penis on the monsters they defeat, and women gain them with their breasts."
"So couldn't we upgrade our stats by doing paizuri with each other?"
"Only paizuri between a human and a monster can give paizuri points, since monsters are the source of all paizuri power. But those who have gained paizuri levels can use their paizuri skills to perform great feats. As I'm doing now."
Suddenly, there was a flash of light between Tarragon's breasts, and the materials she was holding had changed into a small bundle of cloth.
She handed the bundle to me.
I took the bundle and unfolded it, and found it was a small pair of pants and a tiny shirt, both made of soft cloth.
"Wow, thanks!" I said. I put the clothes on, and they magically adjusted to my size. I saw my stats rise slightly when I put them on.
"You should be able to survive low level monster encounters now," said Tarragon. "Unfortunately you still don't have a weapon, but hopefully we can find something from a chest or a monster drop."
As if on cue, a gelatinous blue creature in the shape of two round orbs bounded around the corner.
"Oh, we're in luck," said Tarragon. "There's a Booblob. Low level adventurers often grind on Booblobs, in more ways than one."
"Okay," I said with trepidation. "What do I do?"
"First you'll need to knock it out," Tarragon explained. "Then, when it's incapacitated, rub your penis between its two blue mounds to absorb its paizuri power."
"That... sounds like assault."
"Of course it's assault. It's a wild blob monster trying to kill you. Are you going to ask the mindless blob monster for consent before stopping it from killing you?"
"Well, no... but the penis stuff seems unnecessary."
"You'll stay underpowered if you worry about the feelings of killer monsters. The more you do it, the less weird it will seem, I promise."
"If you say so. So do I just... punch the monster, or what?"
"Sure. That should be okay."
I walked up and punched the Booblob in the rightmost orb. It bounced and undulated in a disturbingly arousing manner.
"Good hit, Rye. Now try kicking it."
"Okay, here goes nothing."
I could've sworn I heard the Booblob moan seductively as my foot connected with its other orb. Moments later, the Booblob flopped over and stopped moving.
