Chapter 15: Healing
(4,4k words, futa, romance, character focus, plot chapter, dialogue focus, character development, wholesomeness, plot reveal)
"That's when Beth... and Cassandra... and all the others met their end," Alexia said as her voice grew to shaky to continue without taking a break.
"Just because I followed my instincts ... and everything else led up to this. I keep thinking about it over and over again. About what would have happened if I had chosen differently, but it still doesn't change the fact that their blood is still on my hand. Literally. I failed them."
Her head hung low and avoided the gazes of her silent sisters in arms sitting next to her bed. She wanted to cry, to show them how much well-deserved pain and guilt she felt over the loss of people she and her visitors considered "family". Yet, tears were no longer welling up in her sad eyes. Not after days of constant mourning and crying more than in the rest of her life combined.
She sat up in her sickbed, but kept her eyes locked onto her white duvet. Neither of her friends broke the eery silence, nor did she dare to further insult them with her excuses.
"Is that why you carry Beth's sword?" Antigone eventually asked while addressing the blade next to the bed.
Alexia nodded silently and almost managed to conjure up some tears she knew she could no longer muster.
"To honour her memory. And continue her story. She loved to talk about such things. I think she would have appreciated that. I hope. That's the least I can do," she said cautiously.
Again, none of her three visitors replied and when she could no longer endure the silence, she was confronted with a reply she did not expect but certainly craved for.
"She would have," Christa said without facing her. One of Beth's closest friends and for quite some time in the past much more than just that.
Their former commander's grey eyes lightened up with hope and finally made their stand against the other judging gazes.
"I won't ever be able to make up for what I did. But I swear I will try," Alexia said assertively.
"We know," Lyssa interjected.
Lyssa was the new commander of the guard. A remarkable woman of honour and a kind spirit Alexia always looked up to- even when being mentored by a living legend like Cassandra was. A great leader and even better friend. But overall, a voice of authority within the royal guard, especially now when half laid dead in some makeshift holes at the beach.
She was the perfect replacement as commander of the royal guard and Alexia deep down knew: way more qualified than her in the first place.
"This is not your fault. Regardless if you will ever allow yourself to realise that," she continued.
The middle-aged woman's brown eyes felt piercing as much as they felt soothing, but the honesty in her words could not be denied.
"I can't get their faces out of my head, Lyssa. Every time I close my eyes, I see them... they call out to me. Ask me why I got them killed. Especially Beth. The look on her face before... before I..."
Alexia couldn't force herself to continue her thought and once more shielded her face from view and let her head hang low.
"Look at us," Lyssa said but Alexia only shook her head.
"Look. At. Us." She repeated but much more assertively.
Assertively enough for Alexia, against her better judgement, to make her oblige.
"Do you see any hate in our eyes?" she asked.
"No... that's what I don't understand. You should hate me," Alexia muttered.
"Yet we don't," Antigone joined in and did the impossible and even formed a sad, but soft smile.
"But... why?"
"Because all we see is someone who tried to find the right solution with the information you were given. You did what you deemed right... and we all know you would never willingly want to get any of them hurt. You just followed your heart. That's nothing to be ashamed or guilty about."
Alexia took a deep breath. She wanted to believe her new commander so badly, but felt every fibre of her body reject these kind words.
"Do you also think that? Antigone? Christa?" she dared to ask, regardless of how repugnant she felt when asking for them to soothe her guilty consciousness.
"I do. Nothing changed between us, Lexi" Antigone said.
Christa on the other hand paused and had to gather her thoughts. The blonde bit her lip before taking a deep breath and speaking up.
"You never lied to me. That's why I want to believe you, Lexi. But I understand why you feel that your suffering is deserved. I am no one to make that call, but nevertheless I demand you to keep your promise. For Beth and for the others. Live a life they would be proud about, that's how you repay your debts," the youngest of the three said in tone that couldn't hide the pain she felt while ushering those words.
Understandably, it was Christa, who couldn't see past the glaring fact that her former lover's blood was on Alexia's hand. Still, she offered something to Alexia that no amount of forgiveness could ever accomplish. Drive her forward with nothing but determination to make up for their deaths by being the paragon the royal guard was always meant to embody.
"I will, Christa. I swear. And if I should ever do the unforgiveable and forget about that promise. I expect you to make me remember," Alexia said while meeting the blonde's grey eyes for the first time since revealing that it was her who killed Beth.
Christa didn't budge and stared her down. She, just like Alexia, was well aware what "make her remember" meant and that this was far from being just an ordinary promise. They just made a pact that would last until Alexia's guilt was outweighed by her accomplishments... no matter how long that might take.
"I will," she eventually said in a cold tone.
Lyssa smiled knowingly and nodded, while Antigone, looked in horror at the two sealing their pact without requiring any more words.
"Well said. It's good to see that even after spending so much time with humans you haven't changed one bit," the new commander said with a proud smirk.
Her predecessor exhaled in what came closest to her smiling since being shot down by Cassandra days ago.
"I am afraid that's not true. I have changed. In many more ways than I am even wanting to admit," Alexia said and leaned back into her cushion.
"You mean Margaret?" Antigone asked with her characteristic curiosity.
"I... uhm... yeah... also because of her. Mostly because of her," Alexia admitted with a blooming redness on her pale face.
The trio waited for a few moments, while she was silently fighting her redness but couldn't hold it back at all. Nor could the others contain their curiosity or in Antigone's case - that damn girlish grin.
"Come on, you don't need to blush. We knew you two were always close. Like really close," she said with a genuine smile on her face.
"I... never really thought about her ... in such a way I mean. It was weird at first... but I ... STOP SMILING ALREADY!" Alexia growled as loud and as menacingly as the comically red former commander possibly could.
