More Tales From the Guilds

Dr. Consideration Stibbons, with a very straight face, handed each of his friends and fellow hedge wizards a well-stuffed envelope and a small bottle with an eye dropper instead of a cork. Young Lord Samuel Vimes-Ramkin and Dr. Wolfe Woodbead looked at the gifts questioningly.

"What?" Wolfe exclaimed.

"Penny's great grand-mother Gytha wrote me several letters once she heard we were getting married. She calls them 'advice to the groom'. As part of the 'advice' she said to go to Mrs. Happenstance down by the docks and buy a bottle of Hilta Goatfounder's Buckaroo Drops. She says it makes the wedding night really special for the bride."

Sammy was a little perplexed. "Really special for the bride?"

"Nanny Ogg has had three official husbands of her own and fifteen children. She also had an unknown number of other women's husbands before, after and between her marriages. It seems that she really likes men and wants her great-granddaughter to like us just as much, especially me. The Buckaroo Drops will apparently help out--a lot!"

"Really?" asked Wolfe, "I was thinking of taking an--educational trip to Mrs. Palm's before the wedding but you are suggesting that might not be necessary?"

"According to what I get from Nanny Ogg, a couple of drops of the Buckaroo before bedtime will make a trip to Mrs. Palm's completely irrelevant. I guess the stuff is pretty potent."

"Uh," Sammy said hesitantly, "does Penny know about this?"

"She certainly does. Once she heard that her great grandmother had written to me, she insisted on reading all of what Nanny 'advised'. She giggled through the entire set of letters and you can bet she shared the contents with Lethality and Passionette. The three of us are now in the position of having to not let the girls down and it seems that with the Buckaroo Drops, we won't."

"Not. Let. The girls. Down." Wolfe sounded doubtful.

"Guys, we three are the sole male heirs of our families. Penny, especially, finds that disturbing. She wants to make sure that the next generation of Stibbons, Woodbead's and especially Vimes-Ramkin's has an Heir and at least one Spare, preferably a couple of them. And you know that Lethality feels the same way about you, Sammy! Having to wait as long as Lady Sybil did and having to go through what she did with you is not on Penny's dance card, not if she can help it. It's entirely possible that these bottles of Buckaroo Drops are just the first of several. Our girls may want Hilta to keep us on a renewal list--at least until they know they're pregnant."

Sammy stared at the bottle. He turned it around until he got to the label on the back.

Be ye advised: Take ye thyss no morre than twentie minutes before engaginge in ye blyssfulle connubialitye. Use sparringlye and no morre than once eache daye. Three droppes yn thine evening libation wyill suffice to thrylle thy lady welle into ye wee houres.

"And you say that Li knows about this?"

"Penny says that Li has been eager to climb your frame since the day you took her for a ride on your carpet, even before she knew what that entailed. Her mother refused to even discuss the matter for years and finally Penny sent her to Mrs. Whitlow for--'a tutorial', as it were. Every time you turn your back on her, these days, she looks at you like a hungry dog staring at a pork chop. You may not realize it but, yeah,

she knows

!"

"Oh. Well then, thanks, I think. I'll just take these letters back to my room and study them in depth. The Buckaroo Drops, though, can wait for the wedding night. I think I'm beginning to understand why Li was adamant about a morning wedding and a lunch reception. She even sent a golem through my Door to build a thatched hut on the beach for our honeymoon. Have the girls told you where you're spending yours?"

Connie rolled his eyes. "Penny says she got a letter from Queen Magrat telling her that, as she is now Lancre's pride and joy, our wedding would be in Lancre Castle and our honeymoon will be in the Bridal Suite of the hotel wing of the palace. And from what I gather from my bride's intentions, we'll be there for rather a while. A couple of weeks, at least. How about you, Wolfe?"

"Uh, well, you know Pass. She never raises her voice but also never accepts 'no' for an answer. Mom's family has a villa in Quirm with a balcony that overlooks the vineyards so we're going there. I think Pass's words were something along the lines of 'getting bent over the railing'. I'm not a hundred per cent sure what that means, though I have an idea. I'm with Sam. I'm taking Nanny's letters back for serious study and once I've read through them a couple of times, I'll be in a better position to 'not let my girl down'. If it's babies she wants, babies she'll get."

Connie nodded sagely. "Good thinking, you men. We all know that Vetinari runs the City, Commander Vimes runs the Watch--and that Lady Sybil runs the Commander! It appears that we are about to enter those realms of adulthood where the men think they're in charge but, except for the Patrician, their wives really are. It's probably best that we just accept the fact and learn to adapt to it."

*****

Penelope Ogg, Passionette Selachii and Lethality Wiggs sat clustered around a corner table in the Patrician's Purse, giggling.

"So your mom finally decided to tell you about men?" Passionette asked Lethality.

"Since I'm getting married next month, I guess she decided it was about time. I was very careful not to let her know that Mrs. Whitlow had already filled me in on the details--in spades. And it turns out that even though she refused for years to tell me how you go about canoodling, she's as big a fan of sex as Nanny Ogg or Mrs. Whitlow. I guess it's a good thing that Hilta Goatfounder makes up her Pennyroyal Preventatives in batch quantities. Otherwise I might have more brothers than just my four."

"For sure! And since all three of us are marrying wizards, keeping families within reasonable limits is just good sense. I mean, who'd want a Sourcerer in the family?"

Penelope shuddered. "That's just a plain frightening thought. An Heir and a couple of spares is plenty--especially since Connie and I are

both

wizards. I've already told him we're stopping at four and he agrees whole-heartedly. An Heir, a Spare to send to Unseen or the Guild of Lawyers and a couple of daughters to marry off to other landowners? Perfect!"

Pass leered. "And in the meantime we get to spend a lot of time bent over the balcony railing! Mother is a great fan of that. She says that having Daddy slapping against her butt while he drives into her for half an hour is as good as life gets. Thank Io for Hilta Goatfounder! Apparently Buckaroo Drops are the total

best

!"

Lethality cocked her head to one side thoughtfully. "I don't know about the railing thing. I mean, I can see it eventually but at first I want to look up at Sammy's face."

"Oh," Pass said with a grin, "the good old Omnian mission position. At least that's what I've heard it called though I doubt that Pastor Mightily Oats has ever had anything to say about it. Mom says it's really cuddly but if you want to get knocked up, being on all fours is more reliable. And it hits you in just the right spot, too!"

Penny rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. "Well, there isn't any real hurry for that. Spending a couple of years 'practicing' before getting down to seriously starting a family seems like a good idea to me. I mean, we're only in our twenties. We have lots of years left to pop out babies. After all, Granny was still having children when her oldest daughters already had families of their own!"

Lethality snorted. "That's all very well for you Oggs. There are a whole bunch of you but both the Vimes and the Ramkins have gotten really thin on the ground. Sammy and his parents are all that are left and it's up to me to fix that. Four is probably enough but I want to start right away and then be sure the first couple get to adolescence before I say stop. After all, Crundell's has an enormous number of bedrooms to fill."

"Li," Passionette said sternly, "from the way Sammy describes the place he'd have to acquire an entire

harem

of you if he wanted to fill all the bedrooms. And with that many descendants even the Ramkin fortune would be pretty stretched."

Lethality grimaced mildly and nodded. "You're right. After all, as the Commander says, it's called a stately home because it's as big as a small country and the house itself is bigger than some villages, especially if you include all the servants. I think Penny nailed it. An Heir, a Spare to send to the professions and a couple of daughters to marry off to the neighbors will be plenty."

Passionette looked up from her drink at the clock on the pub wall. "Oh! Look at the time. I need to scoot. I have an appointment with the dressmaker for the final fitting so I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

*****

In Dunmanifestin, home of the Discworld gods, Astoria rubbed her hands together in glee. As the goddess of (unpaid-for) love, any marriage was to be celebrated. After all, marriages usually lead to children which in turn would lead to more marriages, more children and so on

ad infinitum

. And three high status weddings in a short timeframe was just wonderful. Best of all, one of the brides was Lethality who, several years previously, Astoria had mollified out of a snit by influencing Willikins tell Sammy to hold her hand on the way to dinner. It seemed the ploy had worked even better than originally intended.

The goddess looked closer. Oho! Buckaroo Drops were part of the plan. In fact, they were part of the plan for all three wedding nights. That was almost too good to be true. Frequently the aristocracy treated their nuptials as some sort of business arrangement, done more out of dynastic necessity than honest passion. But not these three. How did that happen--ah! Nanny Ogg was involved. That explained everything. Astoria was very fond of Nanny. She'd had three husbands of her own, an unknown number of other women's husbands on the side and fifteen children. That, Astoria declared, was the proper way of things--unless a wizard was involved. Then the number of children should be more limited. Even gods and goddesses are wary of Sourcerors!

So, dear Lethality and her Sammy and--another lady Assassin? And a pair of wizards? This, she thought, was just pushing things a bit. Still, most folk didn't get into the eight sons

3rd

danger zone these days and wizards were even more aware of the hazards than most. It was unlikely that she would have to arrange for some lightning bolt throwing--she hoped!

*****

Sammy and Lethality had slipped through his Door and were now standing in the thatched hut Li had had built. Because the climate was so warm, humid, rainy and mild, the structure had a substantial palm leaf roof but only three sides. The fourth was completely open and looked out toward the sea. The floor extended beyond the roof. It had a comfortable bed in the back, a cook fire out on the sand and a pair of bamboo reclining chairs. All in all, Sam thought, it would do very nicely for the (probable) couple of weeks they would be spending there, or so he thought. He looked at his betrothed to see her surveying the scene somewhat skeptically.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"Passionette has said something about getting bent over a railing. At first I didn't give it too much thought but since we're going to be here for a couple of weeks, after the first night or two, some variety might be a good idea. Sammy, I want you to go cut the thickest bamboo stalk you can find and make a rail out of it. Build it so that it faces the surf and make it about hip high on me. Bamboo is smooth and slick so it shouldn't need any padding."

"But I'm not sure I know how to make a bamboo railing."

"Oh poo. You're a wizard. Use just enough magic to make it stay together. That's all you need to do. Now go make me a railing. I want you to bend me over it--eventually."

Wandering out into the open jungle, Sammy found himself having a hard time concentrating on the concept of bamboo. The vision of Li's trim, smooth and (most importantly) bare bottom pointed expectantly at him kept getting in the way of finding the right grove. When he did find one that was suitable it was because he ran headfirst into it with a 'clonk'. But finally his hedge wizard training overcame his erotic desires and he picked out the largest cane he saw. Apologizing to the thicket, he cut off one stalk with a line of fire at head height, made it bend at 90º a third of the way down, another third and then the second cut at ground level. Looking at his handiwork with satisfaction he headed back to the hut.

There he found a pile of fruit on the floor, a rack over a fire burnt down to coals and Lethality approaching from the surf line with a fish flopping on the end of a sharp stick. That made perfect sense. Improvised weaponry was an essential skill for an Assassin who never knew when an inhumation might have to be done on the spur of the moment

1

.

1

[Teddy bears, teaspoons, a dead mole, a frozen mackerel and brandy bottles were recorded as instruments of expediency in the Guild annals.]

Sammy waved and called out, "Where do you want this?"

"Oh, about a third of the way from one side or the other should be fine. Just make sure it's attached good and firm. It will have to withstand vigorous pounding, once you've taken your Buckaroo Drops."

Sammy thought about that. He put the 'railing' up about where she directed and then, getting down on one knee, focused on melding the bamboo of the floor with the new bamboo railing. According to the Law of Contagion, all bamboo is one bamboo and so what he was really doing was reattaching this stalk to the Eternal Bamboo. He gave it a shake. Yup, absolutely solid.

Lethality had scaled, gutted, headed and butterflied the fish and put it on the grill so she wandered over to inspect the job. She tried to shake it. Then she leaned over it and jumped up and down. Sammy covered his eyes.

We're not married yet, we're not married yet--but if she doesn't stop that I may not be able to wait, Buckaroo Drops or no Buckaroo Drops!

"That's perfect, Honey. Now, let's eat. I know you wizards are always ready to do that."

Sammy kept his mouth shut but thought,

That's not all I'm always ready for, minx!

*****

Three couples had a table in one corner of the Patrician's Purse, a much more respectable pub than the Mended Drum. They had been chatting about minor details of their upcoming nuptials when Lethality Wiggs asked the three men, "Since you guys are all hedge wizards, you ought to be well versed in spells for fertile fields and flocks and the like, aren't you?"

"Well," Wolfe began, "not flocks so much. And we don't even really cast spells on the farms. Mostly we just encourage trees and vines to do their best. It seems to be enough."

"Though," Connie added, "I'm sure it will also work on field crops and pastures provided we visit them in the spring when growth is greatest."

Li was disappointed. "But not livestock?"

"Li, we're hedge wizards," Sammy pointed out, "and that means vegetation. No, not livestock."

Penny looked at him side-eyed. "Have you ever tried? Have you ever even looked it up?"

Wolfe was perplexed. "Well, no, at least I haven't. I suppose we could see if the Library has anything on the subject. Why are you asking?"

A metaphorical candle lit over Sammy's head. "Hey now, I'm not sure I like the direction this conversation is tak..."

Suddenly finding himself the object of three very hostile glares from two trained Assassins and one extremely dangerous young lady wizard, he shut his mouth.

"Nobody. Asked. You!" his fiancée growled, "Now as we were saying, the three of

us

would appreciate it very much if the three of

you

would go hop into the Bookfindist

TM

and see what you can see. Fertility is a subject of considerable interest, right now. Buckaroo Drops for you guys and a strong desire for Heirs and Spares for us. Understand?"

"Right," Penny added, "I may not be ready to start a family immediately but Li and Pass are. And when I am ready, I don't want any frustration or delay. So get busy!"

"Yes, ma'am" came a three voice chorus.

*****

"Clutterbuck's Fruitful Multiplier?" Wolfe was taken aback as he scanned the pages of the dusty old tome from the 'outer shelves' of Unseen University Library.

"Hey, you were the one who said 'babies they want, babies they'll get'," Sammy drawled skeptically.

"Sounds downright Omnium to me," Connie replied, "I mean, is this really Magic or just possibly Religion? And is it really what the girls want? The question is whether this is designed for them to have as many babies as they want or a just lot of babies all at once. Increasing the litter size in pigs or sheep is probably a good thing, if you're a farmer. But in your wife? People should come one at a time, not in batches."

Sammy nodded vigorously. "Oh, for sure. According to Penny, twins are fine but once you get beyond that, it gets--complicated!"

"Yeah," Wolfe replied, "even for families as well off as ours, staffing could be difficult. Let's copy this one down and put it aside for later. Maybe there's something else in this book that applies more to a whole flocks' fertility rather than an individual critter."

*****

Astoria leaned over the 'game board' with her jaw on one hand and an interested smile on her face. The women had sent their fiancés searching out fertility boosters! Now that was the way women should operate, she thought. Having men just siring the offspring was

so

ancient history. Next the ladies would insist on help with diaper changes, baby bathing and spoon feeding. The Year of the Impenetrable Pike was moving along in a very satisfactory manner, at least as far as the goddess was concerned. She wondered just who Clutterbuck had been.

*****

Chattering merrily, Li, Pass and Penny walked into the Patrician's Purse only to see their fiancés sitting in silence, staring off into space. Connie, especially, brooded and pondered, his finger tapping slowly and emphatically on the table.

"Is something wrong?" Penny asked.

The two other men looked at Stibbons, acknowledging him as the most intelligent of the three.

"We all know," he began, "that Unseen Library has a diameter of only a couple of hundred feet but a radius that's nearly infinite."

"Right," Penny answered, "and it contains every book ever written, every book anyone ever thought of writing and every book that even could be written. So?"

"So the three of us, with enough time, can find the first sort. If we get some help from Lladislav Pelc, we can probably find the second sort. But finding the third sort requires a Master Librarian and when we asked him about a book of spells for increasing a woman's fertility, he just shook his head and said, 'Ook'. Apparently there isn't one and after some thinking, I believe I know why. Books of magic are all written by wizards and for two thousand years all wizards have been men with little or no interest in any company but their own--and large dinners. We could possibly devise that kind of spell by ourselves but it would be experimental."

"And that," Sam interjected, "is the problem. Magic, as we all know only too well, has a life of its own that isn't the least bit friendly. Get it a little bit wrong and it will come back and bite--hard! To be blunt, I am not about to risk the woman I love to that sort of malice unless there simply is no other choice. In my opinion, we haven't gotten anywhere near that point, yet."

Li was stunned. Ten years ago she'd announced that she intended to marry the Marquise of Quire. Both families approved of that sort of dynastic match and Sammy had sort of gone along with the idea. He'd been a good friend and had been sweet and kind to her but this was the first time he'd ever said he loved her. A tear trickled down her cheek.

'The woman I love'

he'd said. She pulled her chair close to him, leaned her head on his shoulder and stroked his beard. He put his arm around her and pulled her tight.