More Tales From The Guilds Ch 25

"Your mother won't tell you about men and women?" Penelope Ogg was astonished at Lethality Wiggs' lament.

"Yeah, she says that there will be plenty of time for that once they announce the bans for Sammy and me. Her excuse was that Sammy wasn't old enough to understand and it would just confuse him. I believed that when I first decided to marry him. We were twelve but we're seventeen, now, and he's a lot more interested in girls than he was then. Of course we can't get married for at least another year, probably a couple of years so he can finish his D. Agro but you'd think that Mother would loosen up at least a little."

Penelope thought about that. Her source of that sort of knowledge was her great grandmother, Nanny Ogg, who had had three official husbands and broad experience before, after, and between them. However, Nanny was in Lancre and getting advice from that long a distance wasn't optimal. Of course, there was Phoebe Emergent-Weatherwax, DM and Lecturer in Beginning Spells. She was married to Jerome Barcbeadle, DM, D. Thau and so should be well accomplished in the marital arts. But then there was Mrs. Whitlow! On her fifth husband (Horace, the Senior Wrangler) and having had a prolonged, notoriously frank talk with the God of Evolution about sex some tens of thousands of years in the past, if there was anyone better suited to explain 'the birds and bees' to the young folk, Penny couldn't imagine who it was.

"Li, I think what you need to do is have a talk with the Head of Housekeeping. Mrs. Whitlow may be chronologically pretty senior but her temporal gland was ratchetted back to young and frisky when the Senior Faculty found themselves in XXXX. Unlike the others, she stayed that way, which I expect makes the Senior Wrangler very happy. Since we've been having swimming parties in the UU pool, and since she made bathing costumes for the other girls based on yours I believe that she's familiar enough and friendly enough with you Black Widow chicks to have a heart-to-heart talk. Next time you all come over to swim, a detour to her grace-and-favor apartment might be a good idea."

Mrs. Whitlow. Li found that an intriguing thought. When bathing costumes were first announced to the city's population, twelve girls from Black Widow House of the Assassins' Guild School had donned them and posed for Otto Chriek's iconograph (while wearing masks, of course) at the UU pool. But before they did, Mrs. Whitlow, herself, in her notorious emerald green newzealand

1

, had showed them how. The resultant city-wide kerfuffle had gone on for weeks selling edition after edition of the Ankh-Morpork

Times

fashion story and resulting in a small dress(?)-making shop in the Thaumatological Park where (so far) nothing had gone wrong—so far! Mrs. Whitlow's side hack was turning a modest profit. And the lady, herself, had become an anonymous, masked sex symbol. Yes, by Io, she was the woman to ask about canoodling and allied arts.

[

1

Like a bikini but larger and with a much narrower space between the pieces.]

"Penny, that's a wonderful idea. That's just what I'll do. Some of the older girls in Black Widow House whispered that I ought to check with some of the Seamstresses at Mrs. Palm's. If anyone would know about such things it would be them. But I've been a little reluctant. We're only supposed to kill people if we're being paid and if I headed for the Street of Negotiable Affection by myself, I might have to break the rule and then talk someone into giving me a dollar. That happened years ago when I first met Sammy. Some fools from the Pigsty Hill Dead Marmoset Gang tried to steal Sammy's Cloudsplitter carpet. His dragon flamed two trolls, Sammy and I took out two losers with throwing knives and his dog knocked the ringleader down and tore out his trouser seat. I was really upset at the time because I had killed that one bugger for free but Constable Dorfl gave me a dollar for it so Mom and the Guild were okay with that, though I did have to give the guild half."

Penny's jaw dropped. "You inhumed someone at

how

old?"

"Twelve. It's in the Guild records as the youngest anyone has inhumed somebody, though a loser from Pigsty Hill hardly qualifies as a client. However, it is a feather in the family's cap. Anyway, when we go to Unseen next week I'm definitely making an appointment with Mrs. Whitlow. Whether or not I get to put the knowledge to use anytime soon? We'll see."

Penny raised an eyebrow that was half skeptical and half leer. "Well if you do, you'd definitely better stop off a Pharmacy and pick up a jar of Madame Goatfounder's Pennyroyal Preventatives. No sense getting carried away in the throes of passion and getting knocked up."

"Right!"

*****

"Connie," the Vice Chancellor remarked to his second cousin, "a couple of years ago I charged you and Wolfe Woodbead with keeping young Miss Ogg happy, at least until the two of you graduate. I want to compliment you on your success. She can be an extremely dangerous young woman but between the two of you and her friends the Bogeys we have had no repeats of the Peleanor Galway incident. Barcbeadle told me that the Lecturer in Approximate Uncertainty came close once when he attempted to patronize her after she invented Canned Dark but Jerome was able to intervene and cool things down. And now I understand that you and she are making plans to marry?"

"It's a little more complicated than that, Vice Chancellor. For me it was love at first sight. And possibly the danger she posed was part of it? It's kind of like the Archchancellor's wow-wow sauce? It's really exciting to eat but you don't dare shake the bottle? Then Hex, she tells me, told her about how moonstruck I was and suggested that she respond, at least a little. She did and I was amazed. Being together makes us both very happy. However, I'm going back to the estate once I graduate and she's still pursuing her research into the worldviews of the Differently Alive. So it looks like we're going to have to depend on her Door to get together. It will be a little awkward with four of us sharing a Door but I'm sure we will be able to work around it. So, yes, we are planning to marry but it will, as I said, be a bit complicated."

Stibbons grimaced. "Just because Doors are currently restricted to Senior Faculty doesn't mean it's some sort of law that they have to be. Certainly Hex can conjure up a few more. If Penny opens her Door to the nut groves, Hex can send one through it and another through to Chateau Woodbead's winery and another further on to the Vimes-Ramkin estate, Crundell's. The four of you can be easily connected to each other and to Unseen. Guidelines are merely that, guidelines, not RULES carved in stone. And if any of the Senior Faculty object, just wave a glass of Chateau Woodbead's best red, a chunk of Crundell's Gold Cheddar and an olive oil dressed slice of hot bread under their noses before the next meal and approval will be unanimous. And that way I won't have to pull rank and overrule anyone. A much more congenial solution."

Connie raised his eyebrows in delighted surprise. "As easy as that? I mean, I know that Unseen is far larger on the inside than it is on the outside but deliberately opening an Agro-mancy extension via Doors? What a stunning idea. Hmmm, and we'll need another to the Marquis de Aix en Pains' winery. He's offering the use of one of his larger unused buildings for the Agro-Mancy Research Station and it would make a good central meeting and research location for Sammy, Wolfe and I. And of course, since Penny, Lethality and Passionette have become such good friends it would be a fine way for them to visit, gossip and drink tea—and maybe even sherry. Thank-you Vice Chancellor, I shall charge over to Hex immediately. Doors all around . . ."

*****

Lethality Wiggs sat on her bed in Black Widow House with a delighted grin on her face and salacious visions dancing in her head. So that was canoodling, was it? Mrs. Whitlow had been humorously explicit and made it sound like being married was a

whole

lot of fun. Oooo, Sammy was in for it, now. Their wedding night would be one to remember, Li was sure. It was a good thing that he was spending all those hours in the pool and up and down the climbing walls because she was going to need him to be healthy and vigorous. Mrs. Whitlow had guessed that as young and fit as her betrothed was she was likely to get laid twice, maybe even three times that night. Hmmm, a morning wedding, a sumptuous lunch reception afterwards and then out of their clothes and into bed in the late afternoon with no intention of sleep until the wee hours. Penny had called it right; Mrs. Whitlow

was

the one to consult. Maybe the Head of Housekeeping should set up an office to counsel maidens approaching marriage. Li was certain that there were a goodly number of girls in her situation, especially in the city. Country girls who grew up around livestock almost certainly had it well figured out long before their wedding nights. And with Madame Goatfounder's Pennyroyal Preventatives readily available, maybe not only well figured out but actively practiced. Sadly, she thought, being among the aristocracy

2

had its drawbacks!

[

2

Especially Assassin aristocracy!]

*****

Penelope Ogg sat on the floor of her bedroom listing to the sound of Velvel the Bogey happily crunching the bones of a small demon under her bed. She had seen Lethality coming out of Mrs. Whitlow's grace-and-favor apartment with a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile on her face and knew that she'd given her friend sound advice. Then a question occurred to her.

"Velvel, are there any Bogeywomen? How are there so many of you, now that the original one has died?"

A deep chuckle came from the dark beneath the bed. "Our women do exist but they are rare. We Bogeys are numerous because we live for hundreds and hundreds of years so even with an extremely low birthrate, our numbers increase—though very slowly. And since we are, of course, almost the very definition of shy we hardly ever get together anyway. Your invention of Canned Dark may eventually change that but it will take centuries, I'm sure. Why do you ask?"

"In a couple of years, Consideration Stibbons and I will get married and so will Samuel Vimes-Ramkin with Lethality Wiggs and Wolfe Woodbead with Passionette Selachii. We are all planning to move to the countryside and to commute to Unseen via Doors. That's why I will have to make sure that everyone knows that I still live here! We all intend to have families but we don't plan on having large ones. We'll each want an heir to inherit and a spare or two to either marry off to another aristocrat or send to academia, the law, the Regiments or the church. That's just how it works. But humans don't live all that long, especially by dwarf, troll or Bogey standards. And I know about female dwarfs and trolls so I was wondering about Bogeywomen."

"How shall I put this? Bogeywomen are half python, half woman. And they are just as given to lurking in the dark was we males are. That's why you never see one. They're rare and they hide."

"Half woman and half python—wow! It sounds like I would rather not ever see one. Have you got a Bogeywomen friend?"

"Nope. I haven't even ever seen one except my mother and that was a couple of hundred years ago. But don't fret. We bogeys are nowhere as lusty as humans. We even make dwarfs look orgiastic and you know what they're like."

Penny nodded. It was only in the last twenty years or so that some dwarfs had become willing to even

admit

that they were female. For thousands upon thousands of years dwarfs had always been 'he'. But things had changed. The Low King was now the Low Queen who had even given birth to a Low Prince and Sergeant Littlebottom wore a skirt and Madame Sharm had opened a fashion house for other dwarfs who embraced their feminity

3

. The only reason that there were lots of dwarfs was that they lived several hundred years. It all made sense.

[

3

For a given value of feminine, that is. Helmets, breastplates and mining axes still matter.]

*****

+++Hello Mr. Stibbons+++

"Good afternoon, Hex. I hope you are well?"

It was quiet. The Anthill Inside rustled and the beachball overhead went PARP.

+++You pose an interesting question. I am the University's Thinking Engine. I am functioning. I have my Fluffy Teddy Bear, my Anthill, my beehive. By that standard I am well. So you are in search of more Doors?+++

"How do you know?"

+++I see and hear everything that happens in the hallways and public areas of Unseen. Faculty, staff and student private quarters I deliberately do not connect with. You and the Vice Chancellor were talking in his office so I heard your conversation.+++

"Oh. Well, yes. Sammy, Wolfe, and I would like Doors so we can work and research together in the countryside and meet in Quirm and come back to Unseen without having to buy train tickets—or ride carpets."

+++Easily done. By the time you get back to your student quarters you will have Doors that open onto your homes. There will also be a Door at the Marquis' building that he has designated for the Agro-mancy Research Station. Over on the printer are three copies of the directions I gave to the Reader in the Annals of the Differently Alive. Most of the Senior Faculty can't be bothered moving theirs around. All they want is respite from our winters. The Archchancellor, naturally, isn't so slothful. He moves his around depending on the season and on what he wants for dinner.+++

"So we can adjust ours to each other's homes and our experimental areas?"

+++You can.+++

Consideration picked up the sheets of paper, looked at them and nodded.

"These will do nicely. And you say that you have already installed Doors in our rooms? Thank-you, Hex."

+++My pleasure, Mr. Stibbons.+++

*****

Winter barged into Ankh-Morpork. It wasn't welcome and no one had invited it but it was a rude, uncouth season and came anyway, flopped down on the city, put its wet, muddy feet up on the furniture and demanded a drink. Unseen University Senior Faculty responded by dodging through their Doors to sun drenched tropical beaches somewhen in the Multiverse while less senior faculty and mere students bundled up in more layers of clothing and huddled around the various hearths of the building—with a few exceptions.

Penelope Ogg, M. Thau, Reader in the Annals of the Differently Alive, had inherited a Door from her apartment's previous inhabitant, Phoebe Emergent-Weatherwax. Phoebe had married Jerome Barcbeadle and moved in with him leaving Penny the only apartment in UU that was set up for lady wizards. Penny and her Bogey roommate-under-the-bed, Velvel, were delighted because it included a Door that she redirected to a tropical beach under the stars. Best of all, her friends also now all had Doors, too, courtesy of Hex, the university's Thinking Engine.

So when the temperature plummeted, Penny changed, shivering, into her bathing costume, picked up a pair of towels and fled through the Door. She spread out the towels just above the tidal line and lay down just as another Door opened.

"Hi Penny," Consideration Stibbons called out, "how's the water?

"Hi, Babe," she replied, "it's so warm you can hardly tell whether you're in the water or up in the air. C'mon over, I brought an extra towel."

"In a minute. Wait until I get changed."

Penny thought about that. They were alone (except for the Bogey hiding in the underbrush) on the whole island. Why had she bothered to put on a bathing costume? For that matter why hadn't she just told him to strip down and come skinny dip? In time they would get married and she was determined that afterwards tropical nights were going to be spent in the altogether. But, perhaps, not yet.

Connie changed and after carefully wedging his Door slightly ajar he walked over and bent down to give Penny a kiss. Then he looked around. The stars overhead were totally unfamiliar and that meant that they were a very long time away from home. Then there were the nearby trees. Connie had grown up on an orchard full of nut trees but he had never seen any like these before. They were hugely tall but branchless and topped with clusters of really big, pennate leaves and clusters of very big nuts. He looked down and saw a totally enormous crab that had broken open a fallen nut and was eating the meat out of it.

"What are these?" he asked.

Penny sniffed. "I haven't a clue. You're the hedge wizard, you tell me."

"Hedge wizard in training," Connie replied calmly and he laid his hand on the trunk.

Hedge wizards are held in high regard by the magical community in general but they don't have much of a social life. This is because if you invite one to a party he will spend half his time talking to your potted plants—and the other half listening to them. Connie leaned his head against the trunk and listened.

"It says that the nuts are called coconuts and they're full of water and meat that are supposed to grow more trees. It resents this crab eating a nut that was supposed to float across the sea and sprout on some other beach."

"Well if the crab can eat one, can't we?"

"Dunno. It's worth a try. Hey Velvel. Would you please come over here and give this thing a shake? We want to see how edible the nuts are."

A large dark void came out of the bushes.

"No problem," a deep voice boomed.

A hand the size of a wheelbarrow came out of the void, wrapped around the tree trunk and gave it a stout shake. Several nuts fell down with audible thumps. One landed square on the crab with fatal results. The Bogey picked up the remains and popped them into its mouth.

"Hey, this is good! Here, let me pry the outside off a couple of these things for you and then I'm going crab hunting. They're even better than rat!"

He handed a couple of peeled nuts to Connie and then slipped off into the starlit darkness.

"Boy," remarked Connie as he handed the nuts to Penny, "that tells us we should never try and either sit or lie under one of those trees. Feel how heavy this thing is. If it fell on your head, you'd be dead!"

Penny took the huge nut. "You say it's full of water and meat?"

"That's what the tree says."

"I wonder how the crab opened one."

"Well," answered Connie, "there are these three little holes in one end and it looks like our shelled friend went into the nut from there."

"Really. Hmmm—let me see if I can run a really fine line of fire around the end and pull it off. Then we can see what's inside."

The line of fire was so fine that Penny had to run around the nut twice to get deep enough to reach the inside. But once she did, the end lifted off easily and, just as Connie had said, there was a pool of liquid and bright, white meat inside. She tasted it.

"Gee, this stuff isn't bad. The water is kind of refreshing and the meat is creamy. Here, you try."

Connie took a sip and then after a moment's thought, snapped his fingers and turned a fallen leaf into two spoons and two straws. He gave one of each to Penny and handed her the nut. He picked up a second.

"We ought to take a bunch of these back to the kitchen. I'm not sure what they'll do with them but I have no doubt it will be good."

*****

Back at Unseen, the four friends sat clustered around the hearth of one of the student gathering rooms—shivering.

"If we didn't have to have access to the Library," Wolfe groused, "I wouldn't come back through the Door until Spring. By Io, it's cold! So what are these big hairy things?"

"They seem to be called coconuts. They grow on some really strange looking trees on the beach Penny's Door opens onto. I've never seen anything like them but the inside is definitely edible. The liquid inside is refreshing, too," Consideration replied.