More Tales From the Guilds

A flock of Sprites gathered around the cafeteria window set up for them in the Armory of the Forest Folk Free Militia. Sprites are no larger than the smallest of the Nac Mac Feegle and they can fly. This means that they have a very high metabolism, rather on the order of Roundworld hummingbirds. And just like hummingbirds

1

they are aggressive and combative. This high metabolism requires a lot of food and if they don't get it, Sprites can easily die of starvation--in less than forty-eight hours. But because they acquitted themselves so well in the Hunt for the Things From the Dungeon Dimensions, the Free Militia is loath to lose any of them and has set up the feeding station.

[

1

And Mac Feegles!]

Don't be fooled into believing this is a mere nectar feeder, along the lines of what Roundworlders keep in their gardens. Sprites have very sharp carnivorous teeth and while they do drink nectar in large quantities when they can get it, they subsist mostly on large beetles, beetle grubs, caterpillars and the occasional small lizard or mouse. At the Sprite Mess Hall, the predominant protein is soldier fly larvae,

lots

of soldier fly larvae and there are a pair of double-size nectar feeders as well.

In charge that day was Fleet, partner to COL Piper, commander of the militia. She filled the tanks of two nectar feeders with a 50% honey solution and sifted out a large scoop of larvae from the brooder. Then she laid out a tray of them and hung both feeders in the open window.

"Now," she directed in a stern soprano, "you lot take turns. I don't want to see any wing-biting, hair-pulling or any other unfriendly behavior. Take turns! There's plenty for everyone so you don't need to fight over it."

Not fighting over food was an unfamiliar concept to the Sprites and it was hard to avoid jostling one another out of sheer habit. So mostly they resorted to dirty looks, threatening grimaces and a whole lot of high-pitched insults. But as Fleet had said, there was plenty for everyone and after 20 minutes the entire flock was replete and slightly drunk

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so most of them flew erratically to the nearest tree and settled down to sleep it all off. Fleet rolled her eyes. Once the nap was over, they'd be back again--hung over and hungry! She knocked the bran out of the worm tray, rinsed and dried it and set aside. In an hour or so, she'd be doing it again. Suddenly a handful of the Sprites clustered around her face. To her surprise, they kissed her cheeks, cuddled against her hair and sat onto her shoulders, chirping quietly. It seemed that they were grateful,

very

grateful for regular meals.

[

2

Sugar has that effect on them]

The strange magic-filled valley of Loko has a warm, beneficent climate that supports lush vegetation. Said vegetation supports lots of fauna so neither the omnivorous Fauns, the carnivorous Centaurs nor the (mostly) insectivorous Sprites have ever needed to develop agriculture. It was the Orcs, crafted and bred from men by Igors at the direction of the Evil Emperor, who introduced crops and pastoralism to the region many centuries ago. After the fall of the Evil Empire, they subsisted there as peasant farmers until Nutt and his mentor Pastor Mightily Oats brought them up out of Loko and into the more enlightened land of Überwäld. There they were fruitful and multiplied to form the shock troops for Lady Margolotta's war against the Überwölfen and who are now the intermediaries between the Forest Folk and the citizens of Bonk/Schmaltzberg. They hold this position because of all the non-Lokotians, Orcs are the only humanoids who can apparently enter and leave the valley without succumbing to the variously hideous magical diseases that fester there, so far as we know. And they have taught gardening to the Fauns.

Piper was charmed. However feisty they may be, Sprites are small, very pretty and almost the embodiment of 'cute'

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, except for their needle-sharp teeth! It was those teeth that made her reluctant to let her children, Nectar and Honeydew, play with the Sprites. However, the children and the Sprites both seemed delighted with each other, especially Nectar, the older one. He was turning into a devoted tea connoisseur and loved brewing it up. Fortunately for him, the Sprites loved tea as much as he did and clustered around the bowls he filled from the pot, fanning it with their wings until it was cool enough to drink. Flocks of Sprites gathered around bowls of tea made Nectar clap his hands together in delight and afterwards he would go out with them playing a sort of 3D tag with them in the forest.

[

3

Rather like kittens with wings--an alarming concept!]

Today, after eating their fill of Soldier Fly larvae for the second time, the entire population of Sprites fluttered away from the Armory with Nectar dancing along after them. Fleet wasn't entirely happy with the idea but Nectar had a very strong will and was given to throwing tantrums when not allowed to play with his friends. There not being any other Faun children around, Fleet reluctantly agreed and turned her attention of the baby Honeydew. About the time she was done with the infant, the Sprites and Nectar came running back at full tilt.

"Daddy, Daddy! Things!" Nectar shouted, looking around for his father.

"Things?" Fleet gasped and immediately pointed her son to the headquarters in the Armory. "Go tell Daddy, right now!"

Nectar ran into the building and then into his father's office. Piper looked up in surprise as a veritable swarm of Sprites flocked into his office surrounding his son's head.

"Thing, Daddy, Thing!" Nectar announced as all the Sprites nodded emphatically.

"What? A Thing?" Piper was amazed. Some months before the Militia's Heavy Weapons Regiment had fanned out through the forest and set up ambushes with their crew-served Ultra Crossbows and had left either heaps of ash or dismembered corpses of Things From the Dungeon Dimensions scattered through Loko. At the time all believed that they had exterminated the monsters but either they actually had not or, worse thought, somehow the Things had returned.

"Stay with your mother!" the commanding Faun ordered, "I'm going hunting."

Hooves clicking on the tile floor, Piper dashed outside and hailed his friend Ofrig Pinetemper, the most senior among the Centaurs.

"The Sprites say there's another Thing in the Forest, Ofrig!"

"What?" the big centaur was alarmed. "How can that be? We tracked every sign of one we found before and killed them all. Is this a new one or were we mistaken?"

He reached down to grab the Faun by the wrists and swing him up onto his withers.

Squeezing his knees against the Centaur's broad back, Piper answered, "We don't know--yet. But we need to find out and then muster the militia to eliminate it immediately. Damn that stupid Hong, opening the Dungeon Dimensions to Loko. The golems took him back to Ankh-Morpork to turn over to the Patrician. I hope Vetinari did something nasty to him."

"Hmmpf! I suspect that the worst thing he could do is send the bastard back to the People's Beneficent Republic and let the chairman deal with him. Who knows, he might still be alive--and wishing he wasn't!"

With four Sprites in echelon formation ahead of them, the two galloped into the forest to where Nectar and his friends had found evidence of the Thing. One Sprite rose high to stand guard, the centaur put his hands behind his ears, the better to listen and Piper and the other three Sprites dropped to the ground to inspect the tracks. There was no doubt. It had to be a Thing--a big one. There were tracks of six legs ending in two different kinds of feet. Nothing else in the Multiverse was like that.

"It's a Thing, alright."

"Piper," Ofrig muttered, "we can go back to the armory and sound the alarm then hunt this Thing down and erase it. But that doesn't have to be done immediately. What alarms me is the question of where did it come from? Did it come through with the others or is it a new one? And if it

is

a new Thing, where did it come through and how? We seem to have three choices."

"No, Ofrig, we have four. Yes, we could track it down and leave a Sprite to keep watch over it and go back to muster the regiment. Alternately, we can let the Sprites keep an eye on it while we figure out where it came from. Or you can go back and sound the alarm while I backtrack it so we'll know whether or not we have to build a new wall to keep any more of them out."

"Yes, there are those choices. And of course, we could wax all heroic and stupid and try and set it on fire by ourselves. I don't think that's the best course of action."

"By all the gods, no! Let's just forget that one entirely. We do need to get rid of this one, absolutely. But I am deeply worried about the question of where in nine hells it came from. I would hate to put out a lot of effort to burn one only to have a half dozen more show up. Somehow, we have to do both destroy and backtrack it."

Piper walked slowly back to where Ofrig was standing, got pulled up onto the centaur's high back and then just sat there thinking. Could the Forest Folk do this all by themselves or would it be prudent to ask for backup? A patrol of Orcs could be summoned and arrive within two days and if the Orcs clacksed back to Ankh-Morpork, golems could be there within three-and-a- half. But was it really necessary? The Forest Folk had, once properly armed, removed the second threat from the Things and there were quite a few of them. This one seemed to be alone--at least so far. And therein lay the rub. Was there still a door to the Dungeon Dimensions in Loko? Loko had an amazingly high magical field and the Things could, essentially, live off it. If there was another opening to the other dimension the Forest Folk might find themselves with a veritable infestation that might be more than they could handle. How to know? How to know?

"Skeezix," he called up to one of the Sprites, "have your squadron keep track of this one. Ofrig will go back to the Armory and sound the alarm. I am going to backtrack this Thing and find out where it came through--if I can. By noon tomorrow a battery will be ready to hunt this Thing down and put it out of our misery. Hopefully by this evening I will have word for the rest of the militia on where or maybe even how this thing got through."

He slid back down to the ground, fist pumped the centaur and took off a jog, scowling, in the direction the Thing had come from.

Centaurs are big and have enormous lungs. When Ofrig returned to the Armory, he took a very deep breath and blew into the Summoning Horn. The blast sounded out over the forest, making leaves quiver. Again he blew and yet a third time. The tone echoed off cliffs and rock faces. The Forest turned silent. And then, faintly at first but then louder, hoofbeats sounded from the distance. The Forest Free Militia assembled.

*****

In the Unseen University hall outside the offices of both the Archchancellor and his Vice, a bell began to ring somewhat frantically. Both men looked up from whatever paperwork they were doing (or ignoring) and strode out into the hall.

"Something's up in Loko!" Stibbons exclaimed.

"And whatever 't is, 't ain't good. Never is." Ridcully growled, "And with Henry back at Braceneck, it's just the two 'f us. We'd better hurry. Havelock 'll be waitin' for us at the Omniscope."

The Patrician was, indeed, standing at the Omniscope and peering over Constable Downspout's shoulders when the wizards arrived, slightly out of breath.

"What disaster 've we got this time?" the Archchancellor asked with a scowl.

"I'm not sure," the Patrician replied slowly, "something is certainly happening. The Summoning Horn has been blown and the Free Militia is rolling out the weaponry and donning their uniforms. However, I don't see COL Piper anywhere though the troops are forming up by detachment. Archchancellor, kindly focus this thing closer and see if more detail helps explain all the excitement."

Ridcully, universally regarded as the Master of the Omniscope, set to fiddling its thaumic-controls and zoomed it in.

"Interestin'," he remarked, "Everyone seems to be gettin' ready for somethin' but doin' it in a verra orderly fashion. I'd judge them to be concerned but not alarmed. What d'yer think, Stibbons?"

The Vice Chancellor curled his fingers into a loose fist and blew through it thoughtfully.

"I'd say you were right, Archchancellor. The phrase 'ready and waiting' comes to mind, as though something had come up that worries them but not greatly and they're waiting for either orders or more information before marching. That Piper isn't among them is definitely odd, though."

"Perhaps that is who they are waiting for," Vetinari commented softly, "so since the weather is getting a bit brisk, let us go wait in the Oblong Office. Constable Downspout will let us know if anything changes. And in the meantime, I will have Drumknott send a clacks to Lady Margolotta keeping her abreast of events. If the Forest Folk should call for aid, Überwäld must answer. Only Orcs can enter that fearsome valley and survive."

Both wizards nodded soberly. Unseen had acquired a set of scrolls from Loko that contained amazing (and frightening!) information but the cost had been horrid. Every member of the expedition there that retrieved them had come down with a truly ghastly magical disease as had the few foolish adventurers who followed them. Throughout the rest of the states around the Circle Sea and all the way to the Counterweight Continent people had come to believe that Loko was cursed and best avoided at all costs. Only the Orcs with their built-in 'healers' could go there and survive and these days all of them lived in Bonk under the benevolent rule of Lady Margolotta.

"Are you getting sufficient pigeons, Constable?" Vetinari asked.

"Oh, oes," the gargoyle replied with as much of a smile as one whose mouth is fixed in circle can. He patted his belly contentedly.

"Then we shall leave you to watch."

*****

In the High Energy Magic Building, Penelope Ogg, M.Thau, Reader in the Annals of the Differently Alive, graduate student and youngest

4

member of the Unseen University faculty sat editing the text that Hex, the University's Thinking Engine had printed out. She had spent the previous evening at Biers, the pub frequented by the city's Differently Alive population, drinking fruit juice and listing to stories by Schleppel, the Bogy who lived in the University basement and by Velvel, the Bogy who lived--under her bed! The fascinating accounts (from her point of view) had been recorded on her new Taking-Notes-By-Itself-Machine and now they were printed out on paper so that she could review and edit them. In time she hoped to have the Unseen University Press publish them for the general (or at least literate) population to read. Eventually they would be the source for her DM and a tenured position.

[

4

At

fifteen

!]

Suddenly she stopped in mid-sentence and sat upright.

"Something happened!"

+++Very Good+++, replied Hex, +++The alarm bell outside the Archchancellor's and Vice Chancellor's offices has sounded. That means that the gargoyle keeping watch on the Omniscope that constantly survey's Loko has seen something it is concerned by and has summoned aid. How did you know?+++

"I--I'm not sure. I just felt a kind of tingle and knew that something had happened. What's Loko?"

+++Loko is a huge, deep crater in Far Überwäld surrounded by high mountains. It is believed that it was caused when the Evil Emperor made a mistake and tried to cast a spell beyond even his considerable power. It was fortunate because he was attempting to take over the entire Disc and was at war with the rest of the surrounding states. He might have succeeded with his magically enhanced army of Orcs but when he tried to do whatever it was, the resulting explosion of magic killed him and created Loko. The place has an exceptionally strong magical field that resulted in it being populated by strange, magical creatures--Fauns and Centaurs, for example. The University once sent an expedition there but when it returned, everyone in it died of horrible magical diseases. Only the natives and Orcs can enter the place. It kills everybody else.+++

"And it's watched?"

+++Constantly. Really foolish people sometimes go there and try and take advantage of the magical field. A wizard tried to become a Sourcerer but a patrol of Orcs killed him first. Then a silly man from the Counterweight Continent tried to weave enough flying carpets using Octiron fiber in an attempt to invade Ankh-Morpork. The Patrician had Commander Vimes dispatch a squad of golem constables there with a flame throwing device to stop him because the Archchancellor and the other senior wizards realized that they were likely to open a gate to the Dungeon Dimensions and allow Things to come through. It did and they did but fortunately the golems were waiting and killed them all. Ever since we've watched the place because there is always the worry that someone else will do something stupid that endangers the entire Disc.+++

"Oh! I've heard about Things From the Dungeon Dimensions. But don't they die if they come here?"

+++In most of the Disc, they do. But they

feed

on magic and can live in Loko. We mustn't let that happen. The Forest Folk in Loko have been armed and organized enough that they can fight off Things rather handily but only if the monsters come through in small groups. However, it really isn't any concern of yours because you can't do anything or go anywhere near there. So back to your editing, Reader. You have an entire tome to complete so don't get distracted.+++

Penny sighed. Editing was tedious and an exciting distraction would have been nice. The life of a graduate student was drudgery, but it was her route to a comfortable life. Once she finished her DM she would have a life-long suite of rooms at UU, four meals a day with snacks and her very own Door that she could use to go anywhere she wanted. And where she wanted to go would usually include the Vice Chancellor's second cousin, Consideration Stibbons, her boyfriend. And as it happened Second Luncheon was approaching and she would be with him again. She smiled and was happy.

*****

Senior Sergeant Detritus sat in the Watch breakroom drinking whatever steaming, acrid brew trolls thought of as coffee. His thinking helmet whirred softly and the most senior troll officer in the Watch drummed his fingers on the table.

"Sergeant Dorfl," he began, "youse golems could go to Loko and burn up a buncha T'ings 'cause youse can't catch any magical diseases. Dose magical diseases, do dey affect odder kinds of people besides humans and dwarfs? Do dey affect any ob der Diff'rently Alive? Would dey affect trolls? After all, youse golems are made ob clay and we trolls are made ob rock. Dat are much der same t'ing."

"That Is An Interesting Speculation, Senior Sergeant," the clay Watchman replied, "And The Answer Is Unknown. It Is Certainly Logical To Presume That Trolls Would Be As Immune As We Are Since We Share Similar Composition. However, To Truly Determine The Answer, One Way Or The Other, Would Require A Troll Be Willing To Go To Loko. Suppose The Speculation Is Incorrect. Planets For Humans Is An Unpleasant A Way To Die As One Can Wish To Avoid. Who Would Be Willing To Take The Risk?

And As For The Differently Alive, What Could The Diseases Of Loko Do To Them? Zombies Are Already Dead, Vampires Are Effectively Immortal As Are All The Rest. Only Werewolves, Being Partially Human, Might Be Susceptible. Perhaps The Reason Fauns, Centaurs And The Like Can Survive There Is Because They Aren't Human Enough To Catch The Diseases."