"Vice-Chancellor," Winthrop Mancopper, Lecturer in Vindictive Astrology was obviously distraught, "I've just heard that a group of girls from the Assassins' Guild School were here yesterday and went swimming with some of our students! Who allowed this?"
"Well," Ponder Stibbons replied, "I should imagine that Lord Downy didn't object, otherwise they'd have never arrived. I checked with Mrs. Whitlow and she said that the boys had come to her for bathing costumes and she assures me that the ones she made are decent, though perhaps a bit risqué. She says that Madame Deux-Epees at the Guild has told her that the girls' are equally so. Therefore, why are you concerned?"
"Vice Chancellor, they were Assassins!"
Stibbons leaned back in his chair and folded his hands. He blinked a couple of times and then removed his glasses to give the Lecturer a pitying look.
"Astrology, they were thirteen and fourteen-year-old girls,
students
at the Guild school. We are wizards, renowned Disc-wide as the most dangerous of (mostly) men. In what way do you feel threatened by a few teenagers? I'm presuming you feel threatened by your demeanor."
The Lecturer huffed a few times and then opened and shut his mouth before calming slightly.
"I don't feel threatened. I'm—distressed by such a blatant disregard for the Lore. This is Unseen University, the home of wizards, men who prefer their own company and large meals. This sort of consorting might encourage our students to seek female entanglements which can lead to marriage, families and eventually the risk of Sourcerors, the very thing UU was established to prevent. Have we lost sight of our very purpose? Do we want a return of the Wizard Wars?"
Ponder returned his spectacles to his nose and leaned forward in what he hoped was a kindly, supportive manner. Softly he replied, "Lecturer, your concern is admirable but, I believe, overstated. The three young men involved are all majoring in bio-mancy with only minors in wizardry and hedge wizardry, at that. They all intend to return to their family lands rather than joining the faculty and become countrymen—with modest families. The days when wizards might marry and have large numbers of children are long in the past, local witches see to that. Once women were given the option of fewer children, they took it. The chances of there being an eighth son who has an eighth son with eight sons of his own are remote, especially given that none of these three are eighth sons, anyway. My cousin has two sisters, young Woodbead has one and young Sam, the Marquise of Quire is an only child. We are now in the year of the Perturbed Pangolin, man, and things have changed."
The Lecturer in Vindictive Astrology sagged in his chair and sighed. He had to admit to himself that the Vice Chancellor's points were well taken. Besides, his own beloved faculty now included Phoebe Barcbeadle (née Emergent-Weatherwax), the Lecturer in Elementary Spells and wife of Professor Jerome Barcbeadle as well as a whole collection of support staff, the majority of whom were women. Why, the Senior Wrangler had even married Mrs. Whitlow, the University's redoubtable chatelaine.
"I suppose," he began regretfully, "And it is the case that while the majority of our students are here for the study of magic, not all of them are. I just don't know. People dashing around on iron rails, wheely things replacing honest horses, goblins becoming real people—as you say, things have changed and I just don't know what to make of them."
Stibbons sagged slightly and nodded sympathetically. "None of us do, Winthrop, none of us do. It's like the Ankh-Morpork and Sto Plains Hygienic Railway—all we can do is hang on tight and hope to survive the ride."
*****
In Black Widow House, the story of the trip to the pool at Unseen University and the 'bathing costumes' were quite a sensation. Lethality modeled hers and swayed up and down the hall to admiring shouts of 'You go, girl!' and 'Ooo, slinky'.
"By Io," exclaimed Agrippina Selatchii, "If you swam up to an older client in that, you wouldn't even need a dagger. He'd probably drop dead on the spot from heart failure."
"Really," agreed Olivia Downy (no relation), "I'm surprised the boys at UU didn't just sink to the bottom and drown. If my mother ever found out that I'd been swimming in that she'd probably ship me off to the Spiteful Sisterhood of Seven-Handed Sek for a life of perpetual chastity. And you say your mother, your actual MOTHER had it made for you?"
"Well, my family was visiting Sir Samuel and Lady Sybil at their country house in Quirm. The adults were all doing adult-ish things so that left Sammy and me to our own devices. I suggested we go swimming in the Quire and he told me that was a really bad idea because the locals call it Old Treachery for good reason. Apparently it has sudden, unannounced flash floods. But there's this ornamental pond on the grounds that Sammy showed me so I suggested that he learn to swim like we do. The problem was that there was no way we could go skinny-dipping. What if our parents found out? So Lady Sybil asked the younger maids about a needlewoman in town and they sent Mother to one Modiste L'Couturière who made up a couple for me and another couple for Sam. They work really well and we can swim very smoothly."
"I'm sure they do," Olivia was wide-eyed, "both for swimming in and for getting Sammy's attention. And you plan on marrying him?"
"Oh, yes. Both sets of parents agree that it will be a good match. After all, poor Sammy is an only child and there need to be more descendants to inherit their estates and keep them in the family. So I'm going to make sure there are—once Mother explains the details. She says that there is no need for me to start having romantic notions until Sammy is old enough to appreciate them. I sure hope he hurries up!"
One of the older girls donned a sly look and was about to suggest that perhaps Li should wander down the Street of Negotiable Affection and ask one of the (ahem!) Seamstresses about 'details' but on receiving a very stern look from Mme. le Deux-Epées at once turned totally innocent and cast her eyes towards the ceiling. The House Mistress was well-known for insisting of the use of the terms 'fencing' and 'swordplay' and for being rather contemptuous of the term 'swords
man
ship'. Obviously there was a biological requirement for most of her students to eventually consort with men but she felt no requirement to encourage them.
"Will you be going again?" Olivia asked.
"And can we come along," piped in Agrippina, "with proper bathing costumes, of course?"
"I don't know why not. When Sammy invited me, I just loaned my spare costumes to Violenta and Passionette and we walked over. It turns out that Unseen University, after all the centuries of magic, has kind of come alive. We all know that Magic has a nasty, kind of spiteful life of its own but UU's is really quite different. It's sort of a giant stone puppy that likes to play and when Consideration Stibbons and Wolfe Woodbead wanted exercise to burn off all those giant meals they get served, the University gave them a gymnasium. The Archchancellor found out and he wanted a shooting range. Shazam! One appeared. The same thing happened when Sammy asked about a swimming pool and is it ever a doozy! The three of us wondered about a place to change clothes and immediately a door appeared with Ladies' Lockers written on it. So all you need to do is find a local needlewoman. I still have the pattern at home. I'll go and get it after dinner this evening so you can take it to whoever you find. Actually, you might ask Mrs. Whitlow at the University. She made the costumes for Connie and Wolfe so all she'd need to do would be take your measurements. Weekly swimming parties would be fun."
