It was after midnight and the halls of Unseen University were dark. At this hour all the candle sconces had long since burned down and gone out. This was of no importance, of course, as the entire faculty, student body and support staff were all snoring soundly. It would be several hours before even the kitchen crew would arise and begin the days labor of feeding the considerable appetites that kept Unseen working as the Disc's first line of defense against the tentacled menaces from the Dungeon Dimensions. However, not all visitors from other realms were of the eldritch nature and tonight one in particular was happily gliding down the corridors humming to herself and looking for one particular door.
"Ah, here he is," Petulia goddess of Negotiable Affection chuckled to herself, "Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography, Professor Rincewind himself. And, to be totally correct about such things, the object of Madame Lotus Blossom's (also known as the Dragon Lady) attraction."
As the goddess of the Disc's "Seamstresses", Petulia was quite familiar with the maxim that Love is Blind. However, though she found the concept charming, she much preferred that love be profitable--most of the time. In the case of Rincewind and Lotus Blossom, though, things were a little different. As a faculty member of Unseen University, Rincewind had minimal access to cash and little need for any. As the owner of one of Ankh-Morpork's most popular restaurants (and head of the People's Beneficent Republic of Agatea's AM Intelligence cell) Lotus Blossom has ample cash and no need to negotiate for her affections. Thus any canoodling that might be arranged between the two was purely for entertainment--Petulia's!
She opened the door with a gesture and ghosted inside. The considerable efforts of the housekeeping staff managed to keep modest apartment presentable but it was still obvious that a not-very-fastidious bachelor lived there. On the other hand, given that Rincewind had once happily resided in a storeroom of the Library while acting as the Librarian's dogsbody, his current abode was rather an upgrade. At least, Petulia mused, it was unlikely that he would be bringing Lotus Blossom here for an evening's 'entertainment' so the place's appearance meant little to anyone but the Wizzard himself. What meant something to the Goddess of Negotiable Affection was that the Dragon Lady's desires should stop being unrequited. Rincewind was going to have to learn to appreciate the advantages of belonging to a species divided into two sexes.
This presented problems of their own. Rincewind's libido had somehow been hijacked by his appetite and encounters with amorous possibilities always seemed to send him in the direction of steaming mounds of well-buttered mashed potatoes. The University Council had sent him to therapy for it and even proscribed light dosages of dried frog pills, but their efforts were always stymied by the professor's readily admitted cowardice. It's hard to convince a man to try new things who is firmly convinced that the Multiverse is spitefully out to get him.
Challenges, though, were not to be put off, in Petulia's opinion. After all, she had successfully made a regular customer of the university's Vice Chancellor, Ponder Stibbons. This has been mentally beneficial to the Vice Chancellor and financially beneficial to Rosie Palm and her 'Seamstresses'. Enlivening the relationship between Rincewind and Lotus Blossom would require work but Petulia was just the goddess for the job. Straightening her back and clapping shapely hands together, she marched into Rincewind's bed chamber.
*****
The skies over Quirm darkened and began to drench the vineyards and orchards with enough water to set off another of the river Quire's notorious flash floods. Anyone viewing such (preferably from the top of a hill) came quickly to understand how the river had come to be known as Old Treachery. Work on the steam paddle wheeler came to a halt as the shipyard battened down and any thoughts Young Sam and Lethality Wiggs may have had about more swimming practice were quickly abandoned. This bothered the young Marquise not a whit because Ramkin Hall had a very extensive library where he curled up with a small pile of books. His self-proclaimed young fiancée was less amused.
Li sat in her room, staring out the bay window, her face in a unattractive scowl. She was going to marry Sammy. That was not a desire so much as a declaration of fact. Her parents approved. Sammy's parents approved. Fatis est! Whether or not Sammy approved was beside the point. He was a mere boy. What could he know? In any event it was her patriotic duty. The Vimes-Ramkin family was the richest and most prominent in the city and the line needed to carry on. Since Sammy was the only heir, he was going to need help and she was just the one to give it. Except--no one would tell her how to go about it. She could hardly ask either her father or Sir Samuel, they would just hem, haw and look embarrassed. Her mother out front refused to give her the slightest hint, based on the fact that the young Marquise of Quire was still a child and more interested in his pets and his flying carpet than any physical attachment to Li. Her time would come, she had been assured, but it wasn't now. She had managed to get him to admit that she was pretty and that she was a 'good chum' but this seemed hardly a good start to Romance and canoodling--whatever that might be. Her mother suggested that she should start showing interest in whatever interested him and she had. They both now owned carpets, Kh'olli dogs and swamp dragons but this had not had the desired effect of him pulling her onto his lap and beginning to--what? Whatever canoodling was, it hadn't happened yet. Lethality Wiggs was frustrated. And being only twelve, she had taken it out on Sammy, treating him to a gigantic pout, tears and blame. The morning had not gone well.
*****
In Dunmanifestin, home of the Gods atop Cor Celesti, Astoria sat down to look over the game board. To the gods it was a game board. To the inhabitants of the Disc, it was home. In her role as the Ephebian Goddess of Love, Astoria was a key player. After all, she was responsible for making sure there were more figures on the board for the gods to play with. Today she noticed a very small dark cloud centering over a very large house in Quirm. It was Lethality's.
For a reason known only to her, the goddess was intrigued and took a closer look. Hmmm, a girl in the early throws of puberty and very seriously boy-crazy. Astoria approved. Boy-crazy girls grew into marriageable young women who fell in love, got married and eventually had babies. That was the proper order of things. This girl, though, was crazy about only one boy and she was already trying to order things so that he married her. Astoria approved of that, too. There was no sense leaving males in charge of pairing up. They were notoriously bad at it. Still, the child was getting a bit ahead of herself so hopefully there were calmer heads around to keep a lid on things, so to speak. Perhaps a bit of intervention was in order. She looked around, hoping to find a calmer head and to her delight happened upon Willikins going about his butlering duties. Just the man! Giving the man a slight, divine nudge, she watched him knock on Young Sam's door to find the boy curled up next to his dog, his dragon and a pile of books. Unfortunately, the lad looked mildly distraught.
"Is something amiss, Master Sam?"
"I think Li must be mad at me and I don't know why. I haven't been mean to her or anything but she acts like somehow it's all my fault. Willikins, she's my best friend and I hate it when she gets like this. Is there anything I can do?"
The butler looked benevolently down at the heir. "Master Samuel, the two of you have reached a difficult stage in your lives. You are aware that she intends to marry you when you graduate from Unseen?"
"Well, she said she wanted to and both her parents and Mother and Father seem to think it's a good idea but why would that make her start getting awful with me?"
"Master Samuel, I said you are at a difficult stage in life. At this point girls begin to get romantic notions but we men still have a few years to go before we catch up with them. I suspect that it might heal things over if you took her hand on the way to dinner tonight? It would be a pleasant surprise for her and would improve her mood significantly."
Young Sam was shocked.
"She wants me to hold hands with her?"
"She probably wants more than that though I doubt that she is quite sure what. Holding hands and maybe even a good night kiss on the cheek should soothe her while getting neither mother concerned about you being 'forward'."
