Blodwen Rhysdottir, Low Queen of the Dwarfs, addressed her advisory council of senior Dezka-k'niks, the heads of all the mines in Schmaltzberg-Under-Bonk. "Look you, I'm sure you've all heard that the golem Schelger has found another Axel and that Lord Rodley of Quirm, Duke of Quirm, has asked to buy it. I'm also sure, see, that there has been a lot of argument about this. I know this because we're all Dwarfs and gossip is our favorite sport and fractious is what we are. I've decided to sell it to him (for a very high price!) and want you to know the reasons."
Muttering began among the most conservative members of the council. As far as they were concerned, Axels were the rightful property of Dwarfs and were supposed to be used solely for powering mines and Dwarfish cities. That the (mostly) human city of Ankh-Morpork had one and was using it to power the Undertaking, a subway beneath the city for freight handling, was greatly resented.
"Quirm's most important exports are its famed wines, its cheeses and its seafood. These all need to be kept cool before being loaded in to cold cars on the railway and shipped around the Disc. The problem, see, is that when the outlying estates, vineyards and dairies want to get their products to Quirm City for loading, they have to go by wagon and run the risk of the products getting warm enough to spoil. The Duke proposes running Undertakings not only across the City but to some larger towns in the surrounding countryside. He explained that the wine and the cheese is already stored underground in caves and cellars so all that would be needed is to connect those caves and cellars with the ones in Quirm City. Naturally, since humans are unskilled at mining and tunneling, Dwarfs would be employed for the task."
The muttering stopped. The concept of sending young Dwarfs, who might otherwise be tempted to head for Ankh-Morpork, with its sunlight temptations, in dark railcars to Quirm and take up the proper Dwarf vocation of mining? Adventurous Dwarfs being kept properly endarkened and still sending home gold to Schmaltzberg-Under-Bonk? Now there was an idea they could definitely get behind. Schelger was finding Axels at a phenomenal rate (compared to the historical one) so sending one to Quirm now wasn't the crippling loss it might have been in their fathers' time. One by one, helmeted, bearded heads began to nod slowly around the room.
Blodwen saw it and smiled behind her beard. It was easy to get agreement from her advisory council. All she had to do was explain to them how any proposed action could result in more gold for the Dwarfs.
*****
Gustav Oresmelterson looked at the proposed layout of the Quirm Undertaking. Details were few as the Quirmians sensibly only sketched out what they wanted leaving the details up to the acknowledged experts, i.e. the Dwarfs. The Low Queen had chosen the right Dwarf to head up the project. Oresmelterson had over two hundred years of experience working in hard rock, sandstone, shale and mud. If there was any geology in Quirm he hadn't seen before it was probably magical and probably in Loko.
"So all these dark places on the map are existing cellars?"
"Ouí," the Comte du Aix-en-Paines nodded. "We 'ave done our very best to locate every single one in the city. Our surveyors are at this very momen' mapping out the outlying towns to provide the same information."
Oresmelterson stroked his neatly forked beard. "Then if you would kindly give me a tour of a few of them. I need to see both the most typical as well as any that are unusual."
"But, of course!"
Unlike Ankh-Morpork which is built mostly on older Ankh-Morpork and mud, Quirm's foundations rise from honest limestone. Oresmelterson looked at it closely, scratched some off with the pick end of his mining ax and tasted it. This was going to be a stroll in the dark. First they needed to decide on a central terminal, preferably one right next to the railway station. Then there would be subsidiary lines to all the major cellars and another to the port. From there lines would branch out to the rest of the towns and possibly to the largest of estates. It would take time and lots of young Dwarfs. Keeping young Dwarfs underground where (Oresmelterson believed) they belonged was a Very Good Thing. The only fly in the ointment came at lunch. Because of the distances involved and the slower tunneling than at Ankh-Morpork, the miners would be in Quirm for years--eating Quirmian food! The Comte had dismissed the repast a mere trifle but by the time Gustav finished the tarte Tatin his taste buds were pleading for mercy. A few years of this and it was going to be hard to get the lads to go back to Dwarf Bread and rat with ketchup. Ah well, that was a problem for the future.
Moving into a cellar beneath the Comte's town house, the Dezka-k'nik settled down with the original map. First he made copious notes in runes and put the tasks in order. Then, stage by stage, he and his assistants began drawing plans, lots of plans.
*****
The Chair of Experimental Serendipity was astounded. "The Vice Chancellor makes occasional visits to Mrs. Palm's? Why? What for? Isn't that against the Lore?"
The Senior Wrangler looked over the top of his reading glasses somewhat pityingly.
"He goes there for the same reason any man goes to Mrs. Palm's, Chair. I realize that you are of an age where such feelings are but a distant memory but Stibbons is still relatively youthful. Additionally, I am given to understand that he was personally and purposefully sent there by the Goddess of Negotiable Affection. Petulia is a very popular goddess and so wields immense power, though I am unaware that she has ever thrown a lightening bolt. She is reported to have stated that in Stibbons' case is was a matter of mental and physical health because holding as many positions on the University Council as he does is stressful. And no, there isn't anything in the Lore to forbid it. Even the rule against marriage for wizards is more a guideline than an actual Rule. The Archchancellor himself said so and the Librarian did a search of the files and agrees. So long as no more Sourcerors are born, it's just a matter of personal choice. So why are you so excited?"
"Well, it's just that--that--well--I never had any inclinations along those lines. Frankly, I prefer male company and big dinners and I thought that was pretty much a general feeling here in Unseen."
Senior Wrangler folded up his reading glasses and put them in an inner pocket of his robe.
"Doubtless you are correct--generally. But general does not equal universal. Historically, a modest number of wizards have left Unseen to marry. Admittedly the number is not great but they are in the record. As far as we can tell, Simon either married or entered into a relationship with Eskarina Smith producing a son. There have been others and today I am married to Mrs. Whitlow and Jeremy Barcbeadle and Phoebe Emergent-Weatherwax are a very contented couple. And this is all approved by the Archchancellor. So if Petulia saw fit to insert herself into the Vice Chancellor's lovelife, who are we to object?"
The Chair was visibly befuddled and walked away, muttering to himself.
*****
"He's really just the most darling man," Sarah advised Mrs. Palm, "The Vice Chancellor doesn't seem to have any outré tastes or kinky desires. All the dear man needs is some cuddling, a massage, an affectionate fucking and a good night's sleep. He wakes up bright and cheerful, kisses me good-bye and heads back to the University for breakfast with a promise to see me again in a week or so. He's the kind of client we could use more of."
Rosie Palm poured tea for each of them. "After the first visit, (on the house, courtesy of Petulia) he's not only paid up, but tips generously upon leaving. He's not only darling but seems to think rather highly of you. Well done, my girl."
