More Tales From the Guilds

In some place that had not existed before, and only existed now for this very purpose, there stood a large, gleaming vat.

"Ten thousand gallons of delicate fondant sugar cream infused with essence of violets and stirred into dark chocolate," said Chaos. "There are also strata of hazelnut praline in rich butter cream, and areas of soft caramel for that especial touch of delight."

SO . . .YOU'RE SAYING THAT THIS VAT COULD EXIST SOMEWHERE IN A TRULY INFINITE EVERYWHERE AND THEREFORE IT CAN EXIST HERE?

said Death.

"Indeed," said Chaos.

BUT IT NO LONGER EXISTS IN THE PLACE WHRE IT SHOULD EXIST.

"No. It should,

now

, exist here. The math is easy," said Chaos.

AH? WELL, MATHS . . .

said Death, dismissively.

GENERALLY, I NEVER GET MUCH FURTHER THAN SUBTRACTION.

"In any case, chocolate is hardly a rare commodity," said Chaos. "There are planets covered in the stuff."

REALLY?

"Indeed."

IT MIGHT BE BEST,

said Death,

IF NEWS LIKE THAT DID NOT GET ABOUT.

He walked back to where Unity was waiting in the darkness.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO THIS,

he said.

"What else is there?" said Unity. "I have betrayed my own kind. And I am hideously insane. I can never be at home anywhere. And staying here would be an agony."

She stared into the chocolate abyss. A dusting of sugar sparkled on its surface.

Then she slipped out of her dress. To her amazement, she felt embarrassed about doing so, but still drew herself up haughtily.

"Spoon," she commanded and held out her right hand imperiously. Chaos gave a silver ladle a final, theatrical polish and passed it to her.

"Goodbye," said Unity. "Do pass on my best wishes to your granddaughter."

She walked a few steps back, turned, broke into a run and took off into a perfect swallow dive.

The chocolate closed over her with barely a sound. Then the two watchers waited until the fat, lazy ripples had died away.

"Now there was a lady with

style

," said Chaos. "What a waste."

YES. I THOUGHT SO.

"Well, it's been fun . . . up to that point, anyway. And now, I must be off," said Chaos.

YOU'RE CONTINUING WITH THE MILK ROUND?

"People rely on me."

Death looked impressed.

IT'S GOING TO BE . . . INTERESTING TO HAVE YOU BACK,

he said.

"Yeah, it is," said Chaos. "You're not coming?"

I'M JUST GOING TO WAIT HERE FOR A WHILE.

"Why?"

JUST IN CASE.

"Ah."

YES.

It was some minutes later that Death reached into his robe and pulled out a lifetimer that was small and light enough to have been designed for a doll. He turned around.

"But . . . I

died,"

said the shade of Unity.

YES.

Said Death.

THIS IS THE NEXT PART

--

Thief of Time

"

But what comes next? When you die, you're dead. At least that's what we always said."

THAT'S BECAUSE AUDITORS KNOW THE NUMBER OF EVERYTHING AND THE VALUE OF NOTHING,

replied Death.

LIVING THINGS KNOW BETTER.

"So, what

is

the next part?" Unity's shade looked confused.

A FAIR QUESTION, ESPECIALLY FOR YOU. HUMANS, DWARFS AND THE LIKE HAVE BELIEF SYSTEMS THAT TELL THEM WHAT COMES NEXT. YOU HAVE NONE. AND EVERY SAPIENT BEING, 'BORN OF WOMAN,' HAS A FATE THEY CHOOSE. YOU, UNITY, WERE NOT BORN. YOU WERE CONSTRUCTED OUT OF THE FABRIC OF THE MULTIVERSE, OUT OF THE ATOMS OF CARBON, HYDROGEN, OXYGEN, NITROGEN AND THE REST BY OTHER AUDITORS. YOU CAN, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE, REBUILD YOURSELF ALL OVER. THAT WHICH EXISTED ONCE CAN EXIST AGAIN.

"I could? But then what? Where would I go?"

Death's skull turned an unaccustomed light rose.

WELL, YOU COULD COME WITH ME—IF YOU LIKE, THAT IS. I MEAN, I HAVE A VERY LARGE HOUSE. THERE'S NO ONE IN IT BUT ME, ALBERT AND THE DEATH OF RATS. I HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM.

"But I am hopelessly insane."

NO, JUST INCREASINGLY HUMAN.

Unity's shade cocked its head slightly to one side and looked up at Death in wonder. It seemed to it that there was a hint of pleading in his voice. She tried to come up with something to say but couldn't so instead she thought about how she had come about and once again pulled together the constituent atoms and molecules that had once comprised the woman she eventually became.

When once more she stood before Death, still nude, Unity took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be immortal?"

ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE.

"So that I can live as long as I want and then die again, if I choose?"

YOU CAN.

"Then, yes, I'll go with you. At least for a while. Until I decide what I believe in. So that when I die, I'll know where to go."

Death held out a bony hand. Unity took it, smiled shyly, and the two of them vanished.

*****

Another week in the school year ended and 'Miss Susan', as was her wont, straightened up the classroom, fed the stick insects that comprised the official 'pets' and, as a reward for another day well spent, opened her desk. Inside she kept a box of chocolates and each day rationed herself

one

.

1

Today, though, she opened her desk and found the Death of Rats quietly eating a piece. She was about to let out a scream of rage when she saw that the piece was a nougat. Susan relaxed. One less nougat in the box was one more proper chocolate for her so she helped herself to a pecan-filled truffle.

1

Unless it happened to be a nougat. Nougats didn't count, to her way of thinking.

"Well," she asked, "what are

you

doing here?'

SQUEAK

"News? What news?"

SQUEAK

"He what? With

whom

?

2

Has he completely lost his mind? What need has my grandfather for a woman, especially one who used to be an Auditor?"

2

Teachers are very careful about their grammar.

SQUEAK!

That brought Susan up short. What need

did

Death have for a woman? He was not just immortal, he was eternal. Death came into being when the first complex 'living' molecule broke apart and he would still be there when the heat death consumed the Multiverse. But the rat was right, he was—alone. Yes, he had Albert and had let the Death of Rats remain a separate entity but really, he was alone. There had been her mother and Mort, but only for a while, and she had her own career and her own—life. And they really didn't see eye-to-eye or even get along very well. Fond of cats as Death was, they don't have a lot of skill at carrying on a conversation. Maybe that's why he did it. Just maybe, from his own peculiar viewpoint, bringing in Unity as a companion was perfectly logical. Especially now that she, Susan, had Time and that the Disc Mother had told her that the two of them were going to have a child. Death was going to be a great-grandfather. Just possibly he wanted to share that with another. She needed to talk to someone about it, someone who might understand.

*****

War's longhouse stood solidly on the edge of a large paddock where three horses and a pony grazed. War's personal big, blood bay was missing, an indication that he was out 'officiating' over some violent conflict. As Susan approached the front door, she saw Mrs. War sitting in the sun, darning socks and humming contentedly to herself.

Susan walked up to a polite distance and called out, "Hello?"

Mrs. War looked up and smiled broadly.

"Well if it isn't Susan Sto Helit! Clancy," she called out, "bring out a chair for a guest. And put some water on to boil."

When Susan was seated and the noise of tea things could be heard inside, Mrs. War turned to her and asked, "So what brings Death's granddaughter out to this bucolic idyll?

Susan took a breath. Right now, she was unsure and that was a most uncharacteristic sensation for her--but she had to know!

"Mrs. War . . ."

"Call me Hildr, do."

"Hildr, Death of Rats just brought me word that my grandfather has, uh, taken up with a woman."

"Ah, that would be that Unity person. War told me that he suspected something like that might happen. Personally, I think it's about time. That gloomy old pile he keeps could use a woman's touch, even the woman is a reformed Auditor. Your mother was too young to have a permanent effect, and besides she was only there for such a short time before your father showed up. I think it's quite healthy, but your face tells me you don't approve?"

Susan's penchant for logic and maths clicked in.

"To be honest, I'm not sure that it's my place to approve or not but I admit to being—skeptical might be the best word. Why now, after all these millions of years? I know, he gets these fancies. Mother was one and so was Father, but—I wonder if after all these millennia of dealing with people—is he starting to turn into one?"

Hildr finished the last sock and put her basket of mending aside. She checked the teapot, nodded with satisfaction and poured a cup for each of them.

"If he is, at least he's aware of the fact. War and I weren't. After the children were born, we started to lapse into middle age. I know, that's absurd for a pair of immortals but that's what we did. I started getting querulous and bossy and he started getting passive and forgetful. Then your grandfather came and insisted that they Ride Out. I didn't like it and looking back, I believe it was because I was afraid that something might change. It did and I am so glad! Something came over War when we got to the battlefield. He went back to being what he had been when we first met, with a voice that rang of steel and bronze. It was so exciting! During the battle with the Auditors, he told me later, your grandfather pointed out that they all had become too human. Because of that the danger was that the Auditors would win. The Four were about to be overrun.

Then, somehow, Chaos showed up! The Fifth of the Horseman had been missing for almost ever, but he came back when they needed him. And that's the point, Susan, even we 'Anthropomorphic Personifications' need others to reinforce who we are. War and I need each other. Time needs you. Kaos needed Lu Tze. Perhaps Death needs someone besides Albert."

Susan thought about that.

Someone like me

, she thought,

someone only

mostly

human, if that's what she is.

"Well, that makes sense in a strange sort of way," Susan mused, "and has War stayed exciting?"

Hildr winked. "Oh, you bet he has. And Panic and Terror have taken after their father. They're keenly attentive and well-mannered public schoolboys who are polite to their elders, considerate to old people, kind to animals -- and will be psychopathic maniacs on the battlefield! I'm so proud. And I have no doubt that Clancy will eventually join the ranks of my sister Valkyrie when she's mature enough. Right now her soprano is a bit reedy and childish but she's coming along. And I think we shall soon have to get her a proper horse. She'd outgrowing the pony. Would you care for some more tea?"

"Thank-you, no. And thank-you, too, for the conversation. You have given me a great deal to think about and I will spend some time doing just that before I confront Grandfather. I may decide to bring them a present of some sort. Chocolate comes to mind but I'd better make sure Unity can tolerate it just yet. Thank-you again. And good-bye."

*****

Susan walked through Fidget's, Death's club, where women weren't allowed except between 3:15 and 4:30 pm. And since she wasn't allowed to be there, the members who looked up didn't see her because she

couldn't

be there. And after a few minutes she saw the familiar pair of bony feet sticking out of a black robe from under a copy of today's

Times.

"Grandfather?"

Death put down the paper.

SUSAN. WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

"Grandfather, it's about Unity. Can we talk? Privately?"

Death looked around him at the snoozing figures in the other club chairs.

YOU ALL NEED TO GO TO THE BAR FOR A DRINK

, he announced. And they all stood up and left—immediately.

THERE, NOW. HAVE A SEAT AND TELL ME, ARE YOU CONCERNED?

Susan sat next to her Grandfather and after a moment's hesitation, put her hand softly on his arm.

"I wouldn't go so far as to say 'concerned' Grandfather, but I am—well, confused."

DON'T BE. I REALIZE THAT IT MIGHT LOOK A BIT STRANGE FROM THE OUTSIDE BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT I SIMPLY DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHOICE. I AM THE GATEKEEPER. WHEN YOU TOOK OVER FOR ME THAT ONE TIME, YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY CALL TO GET INVOLVED WITH THAT ASPECT OF THE DUTY BUT BELIEVE ME, IT EXISTS. IT IS FOR ME TO MAKE SURE THAT THE SOULS OF THE DEPARTED GO WHERE THEY BELIEVE THEY SHOULD. ADMITTEDLY, ON OCCASION I ENCOUNTER ONE THAT HAS NO GOAL, THE GOLEM ANGHAMMERAD COMES TO MIND. BUT HE DECIDED THAT BEING IN A PLACE WHERE HE HAD NO COMMANDS AND NO OBLIGATIONS WAS A PARADISE AND SO BY LEAVING HIM ON THE BLACK SAND, I DISCHARGED MY OBLIGATION TO HIM. UNITY HAD SO SUCH BELIEF. IN EFFECT, SHE HAS NO BELIEF OF ANY KIND AND SO HAS NOWHERE TO GO. SHE IS STAYING WITH ME UNTIL SHE DECIDES WHAT SHE BELIEVES.

Susan looked a little nonplused.

"So this is a temporary arrangement? She's a houseguest rather than . . .?"

THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN. IT COULD BE THAT SHE COMES TO BELIEVE THAT LIVING WITH ME IS WHERE SHE BELONGS. AS TO WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS, SHE IS A PHYSICAL HUMAN, FOR A GIVEN VALUE OF HUMAN. I OBVIOUSLY AM NOT. HOWEVER, I ADMIRE WHAT SHE CHOSE TO DO DURING THE EPISODE OF THE GLASS CLOCK AND FOR THAT ADMIRATION I WILL PROVIDE FOR HER FOR AS LONG AS SHE REQUIRES. PERHAPS IT WILL BE TEMPORARY. PERHAPS NOT.

"Oh, come now, Grandfather, you have a unique memory, one that remembers everything that ever was or will be."

YES, I CAN. BUT I DON'T ALWAYS CHOOSE TO.

That stopped Susan in mid-thought. Once Death had spent a week buried up to his neck in the Klatchian desert sand, trying to forget

3

. It hadn't worked. And now he was deliberately not remembering the future. Grandfather had been right, he was becoming more human, slightly.

3

He spent a short time in the Klatchian Foreign Legion

"Whatever will be, will be?"

PRECISELY.

"And where is Unity now?"

ALBERT IS SHOWING HER AROUND THE HOUSE AND GROUNDS.

"Then I will be off. You have relieved my thoughts, I think, so I wish you well, both of you."

SHE TOLD ME TO PASS ON TO YOU HER BEST WISHES.

"Tell her, 'Thank-you' for me."

*****

Albert was visibly upset. "Master, she—she wants to redecorate!"

Death looked over the tops of his reading glasses

4

4

Which he obviously didn't need but which he thought went well with his chosen image of a gentleman of the country. The same went for the silver mounted hairbrush and comb that sat on his dressing table—and for the dressing table!

THE WHOLE HOUSE?

"Well, no, just the sitting room with the fireplace."

LET HER, THEN. ONE ROOM, WE CAN SPARE.

"Yes, Master."

*****

Some undefinable time later, Death and Unity sat on a conservatively patterned sofa in front of a fire. She turned to him.

"I think I may be developing a belief."

AND THAT IS?

Unity leaned against the black robe and wrapped an arm around Death's. "I believe I could get used to this."

Without a word, Death reached around with the other hand and patted her arm.