Lucifer's Son: Armageddon Now

To the best of my knowledge, I'm in a category by myself. For you see, I've been kicked out of the only place in the universe which NEVER kicks people out. I'm talking about Hell, of course. Yes, THE Hell. You see, my Dad runs it and apparently he doesn't want me there. It isn't out of fatherly love but because I caused way too much trouble for him down there. Thus, I find myself stuck in the one place I've loathed throughout my existence. I'm referring of course to this miserable ball of mud called planet Earth. In case you're wondering who this is, my name is Pride. As in the actual sin of pride. That's me.

If you were to look at me, you'd see my current incarnation, a tall, good-looking gentleman of African and European descent. I'm muscular, with light brown skin, curly black hair and pale green eyes. These days, I go by the name of Jonathan Pride. I'm a student at the University of Toronto in the City of Toronto, the capital of provincial Ontario, Canada. When pops kicked me out of Hell, he severed my connection with the Otherworld. I can't contact my friends and allies back home. That is a sad state of the affairs, ladies and gentlemen, for you see a general needs his troops. I'm a genius and a great visionary but I do require the services of henchmen from time to time. Otherwise I'd have to do everything myself and honestly, where's the fun in that?

You see, I tried to mount a revolution against the fallen angel known as Lucifer Morningstar, my father, the Founder of the Kingdom of Hell. I organized a third of Hell's mightiest demons, dark-angels, monsters and fallen angels into an improbable army and led them against the Master of Evil. Hey, never let it be said that I don't have enough ambition. I've always had ambition to spare, which is more than I can say for my other siblings. Take my big brother Seth, better known as Sloth, for example. The laziest son of a bitch in the entire cosmos. He even hired someone to wipe his ass for him, I kid you not. My older sister Luciana, also known as Lust is a big slut who sleeps with everything that moves, or doesn't move quickly enough to get away from her. Hey, don't look at me like that. If anything, you should praise me for my honesty. Every slut is someone's daughter or sister, this one just happens to be mine.

Anyhow, moving on. My brother Ennis ( better known as Envy) is always jealous of what everyone has, even though he's too lazy and self-conscious to put himself out there and go get his own. My brother Gray ( also known as Greed ) always wants what everybody else has, even though he's blessed in many ways. The guy just can't get enough. Never enough love, sex, hate, power, money or fame. He just can't have enough. My sister Gila, also known as Gluttony, is a serious porker. She used to always steal my food at the dinner table. I never much cared for her. The only one of my siblings I liked is my brother Wright, also known as Wrath. He's got a bit of a temper, hence his name, but he always backed me up when I needed him. We've always been birds of a feather. Out of all my siblings, he's the only one who backed my play against Dear Old Dad. And he paid dearly for it.

Anyhow, my rebellion failed and to make an example out of me, my father stripped me of my powers. I found myself stuck on the planet Earth, trapped within the body of a recently deceased man whose soul left for the ether...but through arcane magic, the body was reanimated and I was installed within it after the previous owner left. Now, even trapped within a human body, I am far from human. I can still do things which you ordinary mortals marvel at. I can move objects with my mind, a power called Telekinesis. I can also read minds, if I focus hard enough. Telepathy isn't easy and I only use it when I absolutely have to, or whenever I find it convenient. The stuff gives me a headache, for real. This body which I inhabit seems to repair itself at an accelerate rate. It has the ability to regenerate. By far my most spectacular ability is my talent for temporarily assuming the physical traits of anyone I touch. If I touch you, I can make myself look exactly like you for a period of six hours at a time. of Dad thought he could banish me and punish me, but I can do him one better. Let the fools Upstairs have the Kingdom of Heaven and the fiends below have the fiery Pits of Hell, the lush and beautiful planet Earth shall be mine.

During my first night on earth, I quickly assessed the human species. For untold millennia, both Heaven and Hell have warred over the fate of human souls. Whoever has the most souls wins, and so far, Hell has been beating the bejesus out of Heaven because it's far easier for a guy or gal to end up in Hell than to go to Heaven. Our standards are really low in Hell. Pretty much anything can get you in. Me? I got thrown out of there because, apparently, the Devil didn't like having me there. I'm a threat to his power. I am unwanted in Hell and I wouldn't go to Heaven even if its owner Himself came down to beg me. So, what's a bad boy to do? I shall make the planet Earth my new home, and the human species will be the building block for my new empire.

Recently, I discovered something which I had been made to forget. You see, I've been to earth before. Fourteen centuries ago, in fact. I came out of Hell, and saw the latest messenger of God. Centuries after Jesus Christ the Messiah walked the earth and Christianity began to spread throughout the globe, a new man had been chosen to spread the word of God. The Archangel Gabriel spoke to this Arabian wise man in the desert, and told him to spread the word of God to the Arabian world and beyond. After the Archangel departed, I approached the wise man. I knew that he struggled with the mission the Archangel bestowed upon him. You see, God always makes His messengers suffer. In both Jewish and Christian lore, the men and women chosen by God to be his prophets and messengers always suffer for their faith in God. And they always sacrifice their lives for their beliefs. To believe in God is to sacrifice oneself for one's belief. That's the part the latest wise man struggled the most with.

For you see, this wise man came from the Arab realm and was born of a proud, war-like people. Sacrifice and humility didn't come easy to him. The Archangel told him that to prove his faith in God, he would have to suffer at the hands of those he was sent to enlighten and ultimately die for his faith. I approached the wise man and saw right through him. Underneath the humility and piousness lurked pride, my favorite sin. I spoke to the wise man, and told him that there was another way out of his predicament. Instead of allowing the enemies of his new faith to slay him and become a martyr, he could become a conqueror and conquer them.

I encouraged him to raise mighty armies to conquer his enemies and spread his new faith not through preaching and piousness but through violence and conquest. The Archangel told him to respect the Jews and Christians as People of the Book. I told him that Jews and Christians, due to their fondness for symbols of God, were idolaters and deserved to be destroyed as unbelievers instead of respected and cherished as people of the book. Thus, enmity was sown between the followers of the wise man and the Christians and Jews. My father Lucifer sent me to tempt the wise man and derail him from the path of righteousness. He was supposed to be the next great messenger of God after Jesus Christ. Instead of peacefully spreading the word of God to the Arabs as had been done by Abraham to the Jews and by Jesus Christ to the Christians, the wise man spread it through war and conquest. Instead of being complementary to the Jews and Christians, the third member of the family of God, he became a rival. In time, the followers of the Arabian wise man would become the sworn enemies of both Christians and Jews, the very people whom the Archangel warned the wise man to always respect and cherish as fellow believers in the eyes of God. Yes, my father Lucifer had me do all that. And I did it well. Then he wiped it from my mind.

Thanks to an arcane spell, I now remember. Three faiths dominate the planet earth. Judaism, first and foremost, followed by Christianity and Islam. God intended all three faiths to be equal and wholly dedicated to loving and praising Him. I sewed discord among them. And now, the third and fastest-growing of the three faiths stands poised to declare global war against the others. What shall follow is Armageddon. That's Lucifer Morningstar's plan. He plans on destroying the planet Earth by causing Christians, Jews and Muslims to slaughter one another. Nothing could wound God more. Oh, you got to give it to the Old Man, he's smart. However, he didn't count on one thing. Me. Pride. The greatest and most powerful of all Sins. I am both the Son of Lucifer and the architect of his Fall from Heaven, for I dwelled in his heart when he still served God.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've decided to fight against Lucifer Morningstar and the Legions of Hell. Why am I doing this? Maybe I've learned the error of my ways and want to redeem myself in the eyes of God? Perhaps living amongst humans has softened me somewhat and rendered me less wicked? My friends, if you'll believe that, then you probably still believe in Santa Claus, a pagan myth which I personally invented and integrated into Christendom's holiest of practices, by the way. No, the reason why I fight Lucifer has nothing to do with loving mankind or seeking redemption. He messed with my head, and I'm going to make him pay. It's that simple. You got that? Cool. Armageddon is coming, ladies and gentlemen. Whose side are you on? Choose wisely.