A big thanks to ALL the comments I've received. Some I agreed with, some I did not, but overall your comments help make me a better writer. On the subject of the perspective, I conceded and agreed to transition completely between first and third person. I also agreed that the last chapter was rather rushed, so I took quite a bit more time with this one. It's not as all inclusive as I would have liked, but with major work stuff coming up in the next two weeks, this is probably the last chance I'll get to post for a little bit.
This story is ultimately being written for my own benefit, but I've enjoyed it and want to share it with all of you who bother to read it. Whether yo like it or hate it, please feel free to comment and rate it. ;D
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It was nearly a week before I was able to sleep through the night again. I greatly feared going to bed, knowing what awaited me: horrible nightmares full of pain and terror, and a helplessness I had never experienced before. All night I was beset by faceless menaces that would beat me into submission, clawing at my clothes and skin, and abusing my body in ways only the creative subconscious could fathom. I would wake with a start, my body shivering and my skin cold and clammy with sweat, my heart always pounding in my ears as it raced me away from the threats that plagued me in my dreams. I would cry and curse, angry and confused at what I couldn't control or fight.
My mood, as a result, was thoroughly sour, and I detached myself from everyone around me, often secluding myself in my chambers. The only other person in my household who understood, and who I trusted, was the woman I had inadvertently rescued, Vienes. I had taken her on as my handmaid, an action for which she repeatedly expressed her utmost appreciation, and I came to rely on her for comfort as I battled this new found fear and vulnerability. I had never been unable to assert and defend myself before, and I had certainly never been close to death, but in that little complex of buildings I had been a prisoner, alone and at the mercy of cruel masters. Had Gaius not arrived when he did, I would very likely be dead. It was a thought that frightened me greatly. Vienes, however, did not dwell on her experience, instead choosing to absorb this new life I had given her. Her strength helped buoy my own, even if I secretly envied it.
For his part, Gaius did his best to comfort me while not hovering over me. He knew I hated to be micromanaged, I had made that infinitely clear on more than one occasion, but the event had put even his steely nerves on high alert. He would check on my several times a day, concern and frustration radiating from his eyes.
I admit I was short with him, most of the time. Already frightened and angry by this new sense of vulnerability, his attention only reinforced the idea that I was incapable of taking care of myself, and I lashed out at him more than once. He weathered my temper and my insults with a grim stoicism, always returning to me with a hopeful smile on his face, a smile I was more than prepared to erase.
One afternoon, after a particularly nasty argument with Gaius, Vienes decided she had had enough of my attitude and self-pity. I sat fuming on the chaise in my sitting room, going over every little insulting thing the man had said and done, as Vienes slowly combed my hair.
"How long do you intend to keep doing that to him, my lady?" she asked quietly.
"Do what to him?" I mumbled, confused.
"You have done nothing but scream at him since he rescued us, and yet he insists on returning to you. I think he hopes to find some affection from you, yet you continue to refuse him and drive him away from you." She paused, considering me as she toyed with possibilities for my hair. "If you continue to drive him away," she said softly, "he may stop returning to you."
I knit my brows and looked over my shoulder at her. "What do you mean?"
"A man in his position, a powerful man, can have any woman he wants, married or not. His devotion to you is certainly a rare thing, my lady, especially given that you do not reciprocate it. Most Parnathan men would just take a mistress and be done with it."
I blinked and frowned. Gaius had always been concerned for my well being, considerate of me despite my determination to relegate him to enemy status. Were his continued attempts at affection really that out of the ordinary for a nobleman, or any man?
Vienes must have read my mind, or seen my thoughts written all over my face. "Didn't you know that?" she asked, tilting her head. "I thought you were chosen from a maiden's home."
"I was," I said softly, "but I didn't really ever think about how... I never wanted to marry. I was so concerned with keeping my freedom that I didn't pay attention to the world I would become a part of if I was ever forced into it. I just rejected all of it."
I suddenly felt extremely foolish. This world, this pristine, manicured, choreographed, deadly world in which I now existed was as completely foreign to me as a far flung land would be, and my ignorance was of my own design. I hadn't the faintest idea how to dress, how to act, how to read the intentions of others as they smiled to my face and plotted behind my back. The games played by Parnatha's elite were high stakes, and I was the ultimate rookie, with everything to lose. Internally chastising myself, I sulked on the chaise as Vienes continued to comb and arrange my hair. Was all this fighting tooth and nail for something I had obviously already lost really worth it? Was I destined to give up on precious freedom? And, more importantly, would Gaius really set me aside for something more attainable and agreeable if I did continue to fight? The thought made me nauseous.
Why should I care if he sets me aside?
I screamed in my mind.
I hate him! I hate that he betrayed my trust and thrust me into a role I have no desire to play! I hate that he wants me to love him!
"I never wanted any of this," I muttered sullenly.
"The gods decide our fates, not us," Vienes commented. "All we can do is make do with what we have."
"That isn't good enough for me," I said, shaking my head. "I refuse to be anything other than what I am just to play a part in some cosmic entertainment for the gods. I won't be a mild-mannered, silent wife-servant. I won't."
Vienes frowned. "I don't think my lord expects you to be. I believe he just wants you to trust and respect him, and he's obviously willing to go to great lengths to win that from you." Gathering a good portion of my hair, she twisted it and wound it into a bun at the crown of my head. "But even the most patient, loving man has his limits. If you continue to fight him on principle, those limits will be reached." She emphasised her words with the metallic click of a clip being pinned into my hair.
I resolved to remain stalwart in my defenses, nodding slightly in confirmation to myself. A small, nagging doubt had built a fortress in the back of my mind, however, and it was asking me if I still knew what it was I was fighting for.
Vienes had managed to calm my temper, however, and I didn't verbally assail Gaius anymore when he came to visit me. Not that my cold indifference was any better, but it was a start.
A few days after my conversation with my handmaid, I was given an opportunity to see just how ignorant I was of Parnathan social politics. I was absorbed in a volume of modern Parnathan philosophy by a hermit called Yagos, still dressed in my night shift and house robe and the remnants of my breakfast spread around the table before me, when I was interrupted by Gaius clearing his throat. I turned to regard him, surprised that I hadn't even heard him enter the room. He was standing a few feet from me, dressed in a very white kilt and shirt with a toga in the typical deep blue of the royal house set neatly over one shoulder. He was also holding a small box in one hand.
"I am required to attend a convergence at the forum today," he said somewhat stiffly, and I garnered that he wasn't terribly happy about it. "I will likely be there for most of the day."
"Oh." I didn't really have a response, nor did I really care. "Enjoy yourself."
"I want you to come with me, Lithana." He stepped forward a few paces, until he was but a foot from where I sat.
I blinked up at him in surprise. "You what?"
"I want you to come with me. There is a library there that I think you would enjoy, and you will be able to see more of the city." Kneeling down, Gaius ran his fingers over my forearm. His touch was hesitant, waiting for a reaction. And though I bristled at his touch, a rather large part of me wanted him to continue. "I also want you to get out of the estate," he added, his bright blue eyes watching me carefully. "A change of scenery would be good for you."
I was strongly tempted to scream at him for daring to think he knew anything about what I needed, but Vienes' warning played in the back of my mind. Instead, I held my tongue and nodded slightly. "I suppose I will need to get dressed then," I said sullenly.
Gaius nodded, presenting the small box he had brought with him. "Yes, I'm afraid your sleeping clothes would not be tolerated. I thought you might like to wear this, as well."
I opened the lid to the box and felt my eyes go wide with wonder. Nestled on a bed of silk was a wrought diagram of the solar system, all represented by precious jewels and glinting silver. It had a hinged clasp at the back, so it could be pinned in its owner's hair. I caressed it gently, marveling at the intricate detail, and saw that Gaius was smiling. It was the first genuinely simple smile I had seen from him in some time, and I felt myself smile in return.
"It is beautiful, Gaius, thank you." I considered his gift, along with what Vienes had said, and a blush crept into my cheeks. Her remarks about Gaius and his willingness to put up with my abuse in hopes of something better were true, it seemed. "Gaius I'm... I..." My words faltered and I found myself staring silently at his face.