Thank you everyone for following through on the journey of this story. I'm sorry for how long it took to get this final chapter out. I found it hard to end my adventures in this world and wanted to make sure it was just right. If you put up with the length of time between the last chapter to this one, I honestly can't thank you enough. And if you've read the entire story up to now, I cannot express how thankful and humbling that is. Everyone's feedback has been so great and you've made this process worth it. I hope you find your closure in this final chapter and thank you again for being so open and positive for me.
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Now I must choose.
I used to think it wasn't much of a choice, but that was mainly because of Wendy. Now she exists in both of my lives. I also now know just how much Ben's mother really loved me.
Loves, present. Ben's not dead, he just doesn't exist at the moment.
But Ashley's family is great as well. I don't think I could go without knowing Jack. If I choose one life, I lose the other. Now that I'm with Wendy in both of them, it makes things a little different. I look at myself in the mirror and force a smile back.
Is this me?
I've discovered I'm a woman, in this life and the other. Though in the other I have the body of a man, I know deep down I'm really a woman. I also know I can live as a woman in Ben's world and I will be happy. But I can also live in this world as Ashley and be just as happy, maybe even more. How do you choose something like this?
Sex is much better in this life as Ashley, but sex is just sex. I don't think I can change my entire life just because of how good the sex is. I used to think women had it so good. Every man they encounter is just throwing themselves at them and they could have sex whenever they wanted. I envied women for that, or at least I thought I did. I realize now what I was really envying was the admiration I thought all women received from men. The idea that everyone wanted them. I wanted to feel like that. I wanted to feel accepted. Now I know that was just a fantasy. It's difficult to live as a woman. Everyday things I took for granted as Ben are now calculated encounters. Riding the subway, conversing with strangers, even walking down the sidewalk (as I learned the hard way). Do I want to live as Ashley?
The thing is, as I look at myself in the mirror I see myself. As weird as that sounds, it's a new feeling. I see Ashley's face staring back at me and I feel at ease. I feel like I finally know myself. Even this body feels more real to me than one of a man. At first it was weird, the extra weight of breasts on my chest felt foreign. Though I don't have the biggest breasts in the world, it was a new feeling. The idea of not having a cock between my legs felt weird in my head but soon I forgot about it and it became second nature. There's so much you take for granted about your body, whether you like it or not. You believe everyone feels and experiences the world in the same way. It's not true at all. In many ways it's like an entirely new world. I see colors differently, I feel pleasure differently, things feel heavier due to my weaker frame, my sex drive is different. I've even noticed I can concentrate in class better. I wonder if I have ADD as Ben but was never diagnosed? How do you compare one life to the other?
I stand over my bedside table looking down at the silver half-dollar coin. I hold it up so I can inspect it. It's shiny, as if it's brand new. Weird if you think about how old these coins are. I wonder if this is the same one I used for my wish that started all this. It can't be. I'm sure it's just another coin.
I wonder what happened in Ashley's life yesterday while I was gone?
I pick up my phone and look at the text messages. There's a few from Wendy, mainly saying goodbye. The night before I turned back into Ben, I spent the night with Wendy. We must've said goodbye and she must've gone back to Boston. At least nothing is ruined there. I also have a couple texts from Alana. The first one is her asking why I wasn't in class. I guess I didn't go yesterday. That's when I realize I didn't answer any of her texts. I look back at Wendy's and realize the same thing. I never answered.
Who's Ashley when I'm not here?
I put the phone down and strip out of my clothes so I can take a shower. It sounds quiet outside my door, so I walk down the hallway and open the bathroom door. I stop short when I see a strange woman standing in there brushing her teeth. She's spitting out the toothpaste as I open the door. The look of shock on her face almost makes me laugh.
"Hello," she awkwardly says.
I don't make a motion that I'm leaving. I just stand there, naked. "Who are you?" I ask.
"I'm a friend of Jack's. Fran," she says with a friendly wave.
Instinctively I wave back. I don't know why I'm just standing there. She is attractive and I can't stop myself from looking at her. She wipes her mouth and walks around me to get out of the bathroom.
"Sorry," she says as she sneaks by. "It's all yours."
Jack opens his bedroom door just as his friend gets by me.
"Ash!" He calls out. "For God sakes, put some clothes on!"
Well this morning is off to a bang.
********
Class was pretty difficult. I just finished psychology and I can tell I'm falling behind. Thank God I was Ben yesterday, the day I have College Algebra and College Lit. Two courses I'm breezing through and can afford to miss. I feel like Tuesdays and Thursdays are my only real days of class. My phone buzzes in my pocket and when I pull it out I see I have a text from Alana. She asks me if I'm on campus because she's in the cafeteria having lunch. I do have quite a bit of time before my Poly Sci class, so I make my way to the cafe and find her table.
"Hey Ash," she says with a big smile as I take my seat. "Where were you yesterday?"
"Wasn't feeling well," is all I can come up with to say.
"I texted you but you never answered."
"Sorry. I think I ate something bad. I was puking all day, so I wasn't looking at my phone much." When you need to lie about why you missed something, food poisoning is always the go to excuse. It's also the way you know someone is lying about why they missed something.
"Ouch. You're okay now?"
I nod.
"Cool," she says. "So what's new with you? Anything good happen this weekend?"
There are many things I can say to brush off the comment. Something like "not really" or "same old same old" is what you usually say and then you move on. But there's something inside me that wants to lay everyone on her.
"I'm in love," I say, letting that hang in the air for a moment. She raises her eyebrows and nods, so I keep going. "It's the girl I've loved for a long time. The first girl I ever came out to. I thought she hated me, but she came down here just to see me and we confessed our love to each other and then slept together and had wild amazing sex and now I want to propose to her."
The last part I wasn't expecting. I think it's been in the back of my mind since last night when Wendy told me (while I was Ben) that she always wanted to be married. I feel like I've been thinking about this all day and not, all at the same time. This is the thing that's been nagging me all day and I can't believe I just said it. Alana is staring at me with her mouth hanging open. I guess I never fully told her the extend of me and Wendy's relationship, so this might seem like it's coming out of left field. And it is coming out of left field, but it's not random.
"Whoa," she says.
I nod. "Yeah. Whoa."
"How long have you been...like...thinking about proposing to her?"
"Um," I trail off for a moment. I don't really know the answer to that question. "Since two seconds ago when I said it. I think I just realized it now."
"Holy shit."
"Yeah."
"So you're like, really in love."
I look at her to see what her expression is. At the moment it's still just shock. I hope this doesn't turn into a fight. Alana did have a thing for me for a quick second and I hurt her. The last thing I want is to lose her again.
I nod. "Yeah."
"Oh my God!" She cries out and stands up to hug me over the table. We hug and sit back down and luckily there's a giant smile on her face. It actually looks like she might start crying.
"That's so amazing! Congratulations!"
"Well she hasn't said yes yet." My pessimism will not be suppressed.
"I know, but why wouldn't she? You're amazing. She's lucky, of course she'll say yes."
"Thanks."
"What happened this weekend?"
I have to think for a moment. It seems like so long ago. "Well I thought she hated me because I went to visit her in Boston and it didn't go well. She's always liked me but was hesitant because she was afraid I was just leading her on. Like I wasn't really into girls."
Alana nods because she knows that feeling all too well herself. It's that fear that initially separated us. It's amazing to me how I can talk about Ashley's life like I've lived it all along. Her past is my past now, but it's weird how it feels like second nature.
"She surprised me by coming down this weekend to see me," I continue on. "She told me to prove how I felt, so I walked her in front my parents and I came out to them holding her hand."
Alana puts her hands to her mouth and takes a deep breath in. "That's beautiful."
"It was, and it's not even like I planned it out or anything. I was just running on instinct."
"Well that's how you know it's love."
"Yeah, I guess so."
She takes a few bites of her salad and I sit there for a moment. This realization has hit me hard. I feel like I'm in a haze and my head is starting to hurt.
I'm going to ask Wendy to marry me.
What if she says no?
What if she says yes?
I look back to Alana and I think she can tell how miserable I am right now because a look of concern hits her.
"What's wrong?" She asks.
"How do I do this?"
"Do what?"
"Propose. Ask someone to marry me. That's like, intense."
"Yeah, no shit."
I shoot her a sharp look.
"Sorry," she says quickly. "I mean, yeah it's intense but it's a good intense. This is
exciting
!"
"Then why do I feel so miserable?"
She takes a drink of her Vitamin Water. "You're just nervous, that's all."
"Would it be weird if I..." I trail off. I'm not sure if I should ask this. I don't want to strain our relationship.
"If you what?" She asks me.
"If I asked you to help me plan the proposal?"
"Really?"
I nod. Shit, I hope she's not angry. She used to like me and we slept together, and now here I am asking her to help me ask someone to marry me.
"Of course!" She shrieks. "Are you kidding me? I'd love to!"
"Really?"
"Yeah! Oh my God, yes!"
We hug over the table again. Thank God for Alana.
"So tell me about her," she says. "What does she like to do? What's she into?"
I think for a moment and realize this is the thing that's been worrying me about this whole proposal idea.
I don't actually know that much about Wendy.
"She's into me," I say.
Alana nods, I can see the gears churning. I see a moment of excitement cross her face before she subdues it. Then a sly little smile stares back at me.
"I have an idea," she says. That's when I know I've come to the right person.
********
The first task Alana gave me was to get an engagement ring. She made a good point.
"If Wendy is the type of person who admired her parents' marriage, she probably wants you to do it the old fashioned way," she told me.
An engagement ring, getting down on one knee, the whole nine yards. Just because we're two girls doesn't mean it can't be traditional.
