Now Thyself

With the light shining into my bedroom, I'm up before my alarm goes off. I didn't sleep well last night, my mind thinking about everything I have to do today. I yawn and stretch out, then lay on the bed like a starfish. This is the day I've been waiting for since I became Ashley (well, the day I eventually started waiting for). The first day of the rest of my life, and for some reason I can't even get myself out of bed.

My sluggish start is mainly because I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days, and this morning seems no different. My stomach hurts and I have no idea why. I didn't eat anything bad last night. I kind of feel like I have gas but I don't have to go to the bathroom. Of all days, why do I have to start getting sick on

this

day?

Today's the day I start college.

Or should I say, start college

again

. I already have a bachelor's degree but I earned it as Ben Telaney, and unfortunately he no longer exists. So today I begin college

again

as Ashley Montgomery. I'm going to begin in a new place and meet new people. Do you notice the key word?

New

. I no longer have to worry about not knowing something. I don't have to stress about someone wondering why I don't know who they are or why I don't know my daily routine. I've been looking forward to this day mainly for that reason. In a way, this is the day I take control of this new life.

The last couple of weeks were a bit of a blur. I re-read the three books on my summer reading list. Since most of Ashley's old friends are gone now, I didn't have any social obligations. Wendy still wants her distance, Stacey is no longer a friend since I punched her in the face, and shortly after doing that Jen texted me in not so many words that she's on Stacey's side.

Good riddance!

Well except for Wendy. Although today is also a day to look forward to because once school starts and we're in the swing of the semester, I can contact Wendy again. She said she wanted to take a break until after we've begun college. I figure give the semester some time and I can start contacting her again.

Things with Matt have been okay the last two weeks. We went out a couple more times. None of the dates ended in anything quite like our first one. There were some heated make out sessions and maybe a little bit of touching, but we haven't had a chance to be alone anywhere. We were lucky after that first date that his mom wasn't home, however now it seems like she's always there when we are. Same with my parents. I almost forgot what it's like to date when you're a teenager. You can't do anything at home. But it is nice to know that Matt is still a good friend. Although I've been wondering if I should call him that. We haven't actually talked about what our relationship is, or even if it is a "relationship." Although, to be honest I don't really care. I guess that's one of the perks of being an adult in a teenager's body. You don't worry about things like that. All of the petty relationship stuff I remember from when I was a teen no longer bothers me. It's not like I had tons of girlfriends when Ben was my age. (Ashley's age). But I do remember always wondering what a girl thought of me, did she like me, if we kissed does that mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend? Those kinds of things go away as an adult. Well, they don't go away. Even as Ben in his late twenties I was just as much in the dark when it came to women, but it's much easier to deal with. I guess it comes down to experience. I have a lot of experience with the ups and downs of relationships. Far more than anyone else at my current age. I wonder if Matt is worrying about these things?

But I know the real reason I'm not worrying about Matt.

I like Matt, he's a great guy, but I can't seem to get Wendy out of my head. Even with all my talk of being okay with the way things are between Matt and I, I'm not okay with the state of things between Wendy and me. So I guess I shouldn't say too much. We'll see what happens with her.

The door flies open! "Rise and shine!" My mom bursts into the room beaming sunlight.

I groan.

"Come on, time to get up. You can't be late on the first day." God, she's already dressed for work. Why is she such a morning person?

"I don't feel well."

"That's just the nerves talking. Everyone's always nervous on their first day of school. Come on, get up."

She closes the door and leaves me in my groggy stupor. These people, they're so excited about college. What's so exciting about it? I mean yes, I know, I'm excited too, but I'm excited for much different reasons. They're just excited that they have a kid who made it. I shouldn't let them down. I

know

I won't let them down, but I'm just saying. It's not that exciting.

I hang my legs over the side of the bed and stand up. I feel like a balloon with too much air in it. I look down at my stomach and see it's still the same size. Still the same petite waist and flat stomach. If I wasn't feeling so bad I might actually touch myself. As Ben, I would always jerk off the minute I woke up. Start the day off with the release of some tension. It's amazing to me how as Ashley, I don't feel that same tension in the morning. I can just get up and feel level.

Except for today.

I walk to the kitchen and grab a bagel. I put it in the toaster and wait for it to pop back up. My dad walks in and puts his empty coffee cup in the sink.

"Ready for today?"

I huff. "Yes."

"What's wrong?"

"You and mom are making such a big deal about it. You act like I've graduated already."

"I guess you're right. You haven't done anything to impress us yet."

I look at him, surprised by the admission. He has a mocking smirk on his face and I shake my head. He leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead.

"We're just proud of you is all." He grabs his coat off the rack. "Hope you have a good day. I'm looking forward to hearing all the details when you get home."

I roll my eyes. "Bye dad."

"Bye sweetie," he says with a laugh and walks out the door.

How annoying, and by annoying I mean great. I wish Ben's parents were like this. Speaking of Ben's parents, I almost forgot. Today is Jack's interview with Greg. I was wondering where he was. The whole thing is still a little weird, thinking of my original dad interviewing my new brother. The thing about New York is that even though it's a big city, it's a small world. It's amazing how in a city of millions of people, you can run into friends and acquaintances on the street all the time. It's always the joke amongst people who actually live here that it's a small world. Even knowing this, I can't believe Ben's dad showed up in my new life. I want to talk to him like his son, tell him that he's a much better man than I ever gave him credit for, but how do I do that now? The sad part is I don't.

Every now and then I feel a pang of regret for what feels like abandoning my old life. Thinking of holidays spent with my original mom and dad (Beth and Greg), it makes me sad that I'll never see them again, at least in that context. It's not like I hated

them

, I just hated

me

. The thing that makes it even worse is that I like my new parents. They're great! And so is Jack. I've always wanted a brother and now I have one. From what Ben (or whoever that was) told me, only one person can exist. Either Ben or Ashley. I'm both of them, or they're both me. However that works, I don't really understand. I haven't seen him again since that day at the Bethesda Fountain. None of it made any sense, but then again none of this does. It seems like this whole body switch was just done for the amusement of some...what do I even call him? An angel? He didn't seem to be that. A demon? Can't be if

this

is what he did to me. So what then? A

being

. God, that makes him sound like he's an alien.

Maybe he is!

A spirit? I've decided I'm not going to call him Ben.

I'm Ben

. Whoever that was just looked like me. I've decided I'm going to call him the Fountain Man. The Fountain Man is the one who did this to me but for what reason I do not know.

Shit, my bagel popped up minutes ago and I'm just sitting here staring a hole into the refrigerator like I'm testing my x-ray vision or something. I spread some cream cheese on it and take a seat at the table.

My mom floats back in, bag in hand. "Okay, I'm heading out. Are you going to be okay?"

I shrug. "With what?"

She rolls her eyes (a little too much like I do) and grabs her keys off the rack. "Have a good first day." She leaves.

I have the place to myself. Now that I think about it, I'm still so much like my old self. I've had nothing to do for the last three and a half weeks since I've become Ashley. Today is the first thing I actually have something I have to do, and I don't want to do it. Typical Ben! I decided I'm going to take this second chance seriously and I meant it. First thing's first, changing my work ethic. It's time to go. Time to face the day.

**********************************************************

I get off the train and make my way above ground. Luckily the temperature cooled off a little bit. I wouldn't say it's "cool" but at least it's not sweltering. I decided to wear jeans and a tightly fit light blue t-shirt. It's funny, when I started college as Ben, I remember planning out my outfit the night before. I went to great lengths to make sure I looked "cool", wondering if people were going to like me. This time around, I don't care what people think. It's not like I want to be an outcast though. I spent most of my life as an outcast, so I plan on being as social as possible. It's just that I don't care to associate with people who will judge me based on how I dress. I think that's the problem I made as Ben, I befriended shallow people. I don't have time for that now.

Walking into the front doors of the main building, a rush of memory comes back to me. It's like I'm walking into those front doors of college all those years ago as eighteen year old Ben. Back then I went to Penn State. Why I left New York to go out to Pennsylvania, I have no idea. Oh the things in life we realize are mistakes after the fact! Hunter College is in no way Penn State. At Penn State, the entire town of University Park was built around the school. (And yes, the town is called University Park) It was huge! Hunter is much smaller compared to that and obviously the city is not built around it. But in the end, the inside of a college building looks the same as every other one. It's only the outside that looks different. Students are buzzing around, papers in hand, probably schedules as they try to find where they need to go. I haven't hit the bookstore yet because unlike most first semester freshmen, I know to wait until after the first class. A lot of professors don't require the book, so no need to buy it yet.

My first class is called Algebra for College Students. Let me repeat,

algebra

. This is going to be a breeze. At Penn State I double majored in Economics and Mathematics. I have no idea how I ended up as a customer service agent for a commercial brokerage. Story of my whole generation, over educated and under worked. I think even my supervisors forgot I had a degree from Penn State. Oh well, that's my past life, lesson learned. Now in my new life, this incoming freshman with a double major in Econ and Math is going to annihilate this remedial match class.

It's not remedial, it's just beginning.

Let me not forget that.

I find the stairwell and start walking up to the third floor. The class is in room three-twenty-three. I'm assuming that's on the third floor. The stairwell has that classic echo of an old academic building. A boy gives me a look as he passes by, looking me up and down and smirking. I'm sure he can tell I'm a freshman, I have my schedule in hand just like the rest of them. He must be thinking I'm fresh meat, as most upperclassmen think of the incoming frosh girls. Little does he know that shit won't work on me. I keep walking without looking back.

I find room three-twenty-three (on the third floor, just as I thought) and find myself a seat in the front. Back in my old college days, I always sat in the back. Partly because I was shy and partly because that's where you could socialize with people. At least, somewhat. I'm not interested in doing that this time around. The other thing I like is that this is an actual classroom. At Penn State, most of my classes in my first year where in stadium-style lecture halls. Since they were all intro classes, there were tons of people taking them. The class size here is much smaller. The professor might actually know who I am!

I settle into my seat and take my notebook out. The professor is sitting behind the desk but hasn't looked up yet. Someone sits down next to me, a kind of punk rock looking girl. She has two blonde streaks on each side of her head and an eye brow ring. She has a look about her that screams "don't mess with me" but as she sits down she smiles at me in a way that seems very friendly. I smile back and look forward again.

The professor stands up and closes the door, getting ready to start the class. He's wearing a white button down shirt and a blue tie. He looks middle-aged and has a very prominent bald spot on the back of his head. His large brown glasses are so cliche for a math professor I almost wonder if he's doing it on purpose.

"Welcome to math ten-oh-one, Algebra for College Students. If this isn't the class you were looking for, you're in the wrong room." He sounds like the teacher from

The

Wonder Years

. I smirk and glance around to see if anyone else picks up on this. Punk-rock girl next to me doesn't seem to find anything funny. Of course not. I'm probably the only one in this room who knows what that show was, other than the professor.

"My name is Professor Harris and we are going to have some fun with math this semester." He attempts to sound excited but his acting skills fail him.

He goes on for about forty-five minutes. The class is scheduled for an hour and a half but he explains that since this is the first day, he's only doing an introduction. Other than the syllabus he gave us, there were no notes to take. First class down and still a clean notebook!

As I exit the class, Punk Rock Girl walks alongside me.

"Was it just me or was that guy like the quintessential math teacher?" Her voice is higher pitched than I would've expected.

I laugh. "Yeah, seriously. He sounded like that guy from

The Wonder Years

."

She gives me a blank look and then comprehends. "Oh you mean that show on Nick at Night?"

Nick at Night?!

They only air old people shows on that channel! God, are my childhood shows on Nick at Night now? I never realized since I never had cable as Ben.

"Yeah, never mind," I say, trying to shake the comment off.

She smiles. "I'm Alana."

"Ashley."

We make our way down the hallway, dodging the hordes of people flocking around us.

"Was that your first class," Alana asks.

I nod. "Yeah, no eight a.m. classes for me this semester. What about you?"

She nods as well. "Yeah, first for me too. What do you have next?"

I actually don't know. I know I have something directly after this, but since this guy finished forty-five minutes early, I actually have a whole hour until it starts. I fumble in my pocket for my schedule.

She pulls out her phone. "You should put your schedule in your calendar. This way you don't have to keep that piece of paper around."

I nod. Something I didn't think of since there were no smartphones when I went to college. "Thanks, I didn't think of that." I finally find the piece of paper and look up my next class. "College Lit, next period. What about you?"

"College Lit, but mine doesn't start for two more periods. I have a break in-between classes."

"Nice."

"You live in the dorms," she asks me.

We get to the stairwell and I stop. My next class is on the fifth floor. She can tell I'm not leaving so she lingers as well.

"No, I live in the city. Up in Inwood."

She laughs. "I don't know what that means. I'm from Vermont. Just moved in last week."

"It's Upper Manhattan. Upper upper Manhattan."

"Oh cool." She pauses for a moment. It almost looks like she's looking for something to say. "So you going to keep this class?"

"Yeah, I think so. What about you?"

She smiles. "Yeah, definitely. So I'll see you Wednesday then?"

"Yeah."

"Cool! Nice meeting you Ashley." She smiles and walks into the stairwell.

I see I've made a new friend, and only after one class. Not bad!

Suddenly I feel another pain in my abdomen. What is this? I wish I didn't feel like such crap! Plus it's hot! Abnormally hot. Are they blasting the heat in this building?!

I walk up two more flights of stairs and make my way around the fifth floor. I have a lot of time before class starts but I want to make sure I know where the room is first. Sure enough, room five-oh-seven is easy to spot. I remember there being a coffee shop on the first floor. Maybe I can just sit there and wait.

As I make my way to the bottom level, I see the coffee shop and get on line. It's not really a "shop" but more a counter and some scattered chairs in the lobby. I get my coffee and sit at one of the tables. Alana seems cool. She's cute too. When I was Ben I used to get distracted by attractive girls all the time. I bet if I had gone to an all boys college I would've done better. Luckily that class won't be difficult for me, so any distractions will probably be welcome.

I finish my coffee and realize I have to go to the bathroom. At least I think I do. Something feels very weird. I still have about thirty minutes until class starts. I find a bathroom and enter one of the stalls. Luckily this place is not like the last public restroom I used. It's definitely much cleaner. I pull my panties down to my ankles and sit on the toilet.

What the hell is that?

Looking down at my panties I see a dark stain on them. Not to mention I feel like I have to pee but nothing is coming out. It just feels like there's a little wetness. I stick my hand between my legs and dab some of the wetness with my fingers.

What the fuck?!

What the...

It's blood!

It's...

Holy shit!

I don't believe I never thought of this! I can't believe this never occurred to me. I've been Ashley for about three weeks now, how can this...well I guess it is a long enough amount of time.

I'm having my period!

My instincts as Ben start to kick in. This is gross! This is disgusting! That's always what I thought about a girl's period when I was Ben. I calm down and realize it doesn't feel that gross I'm more panicked than anything else. What do I do? Shit! I have no idea what a girl is supposed to do when she's having her period. I know I need a tampon or something but I don't even know how to put it in. I start to realize the thing that's freaking me out is I'm on my own with this one. It's not like I can ask someone for advice. I'm eighteen years old. How can I explain I have no idea how to handle a period? It's not possible to pretend this is the first one I've ever had, not without them assuming I have a serious medical condition.

I pull out my phone and look at the time. I have about twenty-five minutes. Just like everything else, Google will help me out of this! I look up what to do when you're having your period. Most of the websites are geared toward much younger girls who are having their first one.

Well I am having my first one.

I've

never had one before!

One site says if you're out and don't have a tampon, public restrooms sometimes have vending machines.