I
"Jakasan."
Mostly asleep, Ian Jackson wasn't sure if the feminine voice was coming from the waking world or his dreams.
"Ian Jakasan."
"Fuck off," Jackson said. He tried to bury his head deeper into his pillow.
A lightning bolt came out of the blue and grounded through Jackson's dozing form. He jumped about a foot off the mattress. His sheets slipped off his convulsing form. His hair stood on end and his teeth clenched together so hard they would have bitten off the end of his tongue had it not already been turned back on itself like a slug dipped in salt.
It also woke him up.
After his body stopped twitching uncontrollably he took stock of his surroundings. It wasn't the bed he'd gone to sleep in. It looked similar, but this was a different plain little bed in a different plain little bedroom. It had a single bookcase and single wardrobe, same as the plain little bedroom he'd fallen asleep in, but they were in different positions. Like the other bedroom, the room looked a prop department's idea of what a plain little peasant's bedroom should look like rather than a room someone actually lived in. That was because it wasn't real. It was part of a computer game and Jackson was stuck inside it.
There was an angel floating at the foot of his bed. She had massive tits.
She smiled beatifically at Jackson like a mother to her brainless brat. She might have had a kind, maternal face, but the rest of her body was one hundred percent MILF, with the emphasis on the F. Her white dress was slinky rather than saintly. It hugged her shapely figure like a second skin and a split down the sides exposed the creamy-white flesh of her thighs. A pendant with a large red stone drew attention to her neck and the deep creamy valley of her cleavage beneath it.
Doubtless the Bible Belt would not approve of this depiction of an angel. Jackson supposed it could have been worse. At least she wasn't blindfolded and tied up with bondage chains.
Jackson was too busy ogling her babelicious figure to notice she'd opened her mouth and was speaking to him. Not that it mattered. He couldn't understand a word she was saying.
This was a first. Before, it hadn't mattered where Jackson had been or who he'd talked to, everyone had spoken English back at him. Was this some kind of glitch or bug?
"I don't understand," he said to the angel in white.
She paused and asked him what he guessed was a question from the intonation of her voice. Jackson shrugged. He hadn't understood that either.
The angel nodded and then carried on with her spiel in a language that was incomprehensible to Jackson.
Not carry on, repeat, he realized. He recognized some words. It sounded a lot like the same speech she'd tried to give him earlier.
"I don't understand," Jackson interrupted, growing frustrated.
The angel paused and asked him another, or even the same, question. Jackson didn't understand, so he shrugged again. This time he was sure the angel was repeating the same speech right from the beginning.
Stupid game. It must have got stuck on the wrong language.
This time when the angel asked the question again he smiled brightly and nodded. If he didn't the angel would just keep repeating the same piece over and over. Besides, he didn't need to understand what she was saying, it was the same usual shit every JRPG started with.
I, angel of the giant mammaries, have chosen you to save the world/princess from the evil dragon/sorcerer/demon king. You, of all the stupid-haired kids with unfeasibly large swords, are the most likely to complete this arduous quest despite currently being a level one weakling who'd immediately expire if the wild dogs roaming around the second village so much as sneezed on you. Now go, achieve your destiny, slaughter all the wildlife between here and the final castle while amassing enough to gold to crash the economies of every kingdom in the land. You will, of course, be able to carry this gold—all of it—around in your pockets.
As she spoke Jackson's gaze dropped to the level of her cleavage and stayed there. He wouldn't have minded putting his hands on those and giving them a good squeeze. Did wanting to squeeze the tits of an angel automatically doom him to hell?
Nah. She wasn't real. She was just pixels, same as everything else around here.
Finally, her speech given, the angel faded away and Jackson was able to get back to sleep. He wasn't out for long before a commotion outside woke him up.
Good morning, this is the alarm call for your tutorial quest.
He wondered what would happen if he stuffed a pillow over his ears and ignored it. No, he couldn't risk it. It might trigger some kind of non-standard game over that left him trapped here for eternity.
Swearing, Jackson got out of bed and got dressed. He found an impressive-looking sword that must be shit because it was his starting weapon and all starting weapons were shit.
At least there were no NPC parents waiting in the kitchen to bore him with their single line of encouragement repeated over and over. That meant he must be the poor little orphan destined to save the entire kingdom or some other shit like that. It also meant this shitty little hovel was his alone. Nothing a good bulldozer couldn't fix.
Outside, the inhabitants of Ye Olde Little Rustic Starting Village were running around and screaming their heads off as if the sky was falling down on top of them. They were also screaming the same gibberish language Jackson couldn't understand.
A blessing. At least he didn't need to worry about talking to each and every one of them on the off chance one of them had that vital piece of information he needed to find out. Smiling, he gave the panicking villagers a cheery wave and walked in the direction of their pointing fingers as nonchalantly as if he was heading down to the local 7-11 to pick up a case of beer.
Given he was level one and this was the starting village, it was probably something super lame like a butterfly or raccoon.
That pissed him off the most. When They—whoever They were—moved him from game to game, couldn't they at least let him keep his levels. It fucking sucked having to start right from level one every fucking time.
Jackson reached the edge of the village where a dark, primeval forest encroached.
It was going to be a butterfly, or a dog, or maybe even a lone ferocious goblin.
Ooh, the terror.
Or it could be one of those stupid auto-lose fights against some enormous dragon or similar monster. Jackson wasn't relishing that prospect. Sure, he couldn't
Game Over
, but being stomped into the ground by a level bajillion dragon was fucking painful when you were actually in the game for real.
He walked between the trees. This was where the villagers had pointed to. No humongous dragon, which was a relief, but also no stupid butterfly or pansy level one monster either. Was this the right place?
Battle music played in the background.
Yep, it was the right place.
A blue splodge jumped out into the centre of the path and wobbled like an oversized plate of jelly.
Of course, he should have known. Obviously it was going to be a blue slime. It was always a fucking blue slime.
The blue blob bobbed and quivered. Protoplasm erupted out of the top and formed into the shape of a sexy young woman with humongous, jiggling boobies.
Jackson's mouth fell open.
II
He'd fought blue slimes before. They were bouncing teardrops with googly eyes that looked like they'd been drawn by a five-year-old. This...didn't.
She—and it was definitely a she—was the same height as him. She was bright blue and partially transparent. He could see the bushes and trees behind her through her body. Their shapes were blurry and distorted by her curves.
She had curves—wow did she have curves—and they were in all the right places. Her figure reminded Jackson of the high school cheerleaders he'd lusted after even though he'd known he never stood a chance. She jiggled and wobbled on the path as if she'd been freshly popped from a mold taken from the body cast of a curvaceous glamour model. A babe made out of jello. A jello babe.
Fucking game developers again, Jackson thought. Always obsessed with the T & A because they couldn't get any in the real world. He gripped the hilt of his shitty starting sword. It was a damn shame, but he was going to have to dice Ms. Jello 2013 into little cubes.
The slime girl said something to him in moonspeak.
Don't understand, don't care, Jackson thought. He lifted up his sword and...
...found himself standing on a featureless cloudy plane with the big tits angel floating in front of him.
Great, the battle tutorial.
The angel asked him some questions in moonspeak. Jackson smiled, nodded his head and pretended to understand. Obviously he didn't, but if he told the big tits angel that then she'd repeat the instructions over and over until he collapsed of old age.
He didn't need the instructions anyway. It was a stupid JRPG. They were all the same. They all had the same commands.
Attack, Magic, Item, Run Away
. It was the same every fucking time. So Jackson smiled, nodded his head and waited for the big tits angel to send him back so he could splatter Ms. Jelly Tits all over the pre-rendered backdrops exactly the same as he'd done to all the other bouncing blue retards.
The angel finished her piece and Jackson was sent back to the path. The blue girl stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. Naked blue girl, Jackson amended. Naked blue girl with a level of anatomical detail that would usually get a game artist into a lot of trouble.
The blue girl smiled at him and asked him yet another question he didn't understand. Annoyed at being teleported all over the place and having to listen to people jabber moonspeak at him, Jackson finally snapped.
"Doesn't anyone speak American in this stupid fucking game!" he yelled at the sky.
"Oh," the slime girl said. "A Westerner. What are you doing playing an Eastern game in the original nihongo?" she asked in perfect English.
Jackson gawped at her.
"It's okay, I know why," she said. "They don't allow you to make games like this in the West because they're afraid children might get their hands on them and grow up crazy. It's so unfortunate to have to live in such a repressive regime. If you want a little harmless fun you have to seek it out elsewhere. And..."
She pressed her ample boobs together and leaned forward to fully emphasize her jaw-dropping cleavage.
"...pictures are the universal language."
Jackson's jaw dropped.
"Lucky for you I speak American," the slime girl continued. "That's why they made my scene part of the trial," she added proudly.
Jackson continued to stare at her tits. That was some pair, even if they were blue and see-through.
She squished them closer together. They looked a little more...elastic than a normal girl's. "Are these fine?" she asked. "Would you like them bigger? Or smaller? Is this height okay? I know some Western boys get a little intimidated if the girl is taller than them. I can change to be shorter if that's what you prefer."
Jackson stared at her in bafflement. He might understand the words now, but he still had no fucking clue what she was talking about.
"Aren't we supposed to be fighting?" he asked.
"Oh yes, the 'fight'." She even signaled the inverted commas like an MTV Valley Girl. "Okay. It's my surprise attack so I get to go first."
Jackson felt something wet and sticky squish up between his toes. He looked down and saw the slime girl had formed a puddle beneath his feet and he was standing right in the middle of it. He tried to lift a foot and managed only a couple of inches. It was like standing on a glue trap.
"
Suraimo Torapo
," the girl said. "I've got you now."
Jackson couldn't pull free. The slime oozed up over his feet and ankles, forming a thick elastic sheath that kept his feet stuck together.
"Up I go," the slime girl teased.
The rising sheath of slime crawled up to his thighs. Then it stopped. Jackson twisted and squirmed, but couldn't break through. Smiling, the slime girl watched him...
...and watched...
