Invasion Of The Bawdy Snatchers

Samuel grit his teeth and cursed his luck as he stepped from the forest onto the main road. He'd been so

close!

Practically able to put his

hands

on the little green witch! He spat on the ground and tried to prepare his notes in his head. Had to check in with the chief as soon as he got back, after all, and he needed to compose his report while it was fresh in his mind.

He'd gone out on a solo operation to try and apprehend a goblin queen that'd been spotted in the forest. Had a retinue in tow, clearly preparing to infest the town. For the most part, he'd been able to keep tabs on them without being noticed -- even with a queen's supervision, goblins were prone to drinking and revelry on their own -- but he'd been too hasty in his rush for the queen.

Samuel sighed through his nose, a terse little puff of frustration.

He'd

almost

captured her and brought her in for a decrowning to neutralize her magical powers, but even if the rest of her hangers-on were drunk, the queen was cold-sober. She'd caught him at the last second and sent him reeling with one little kiss. The magic in it had knocked him out for a day and a half, and they'd evidently packed up and shoved off in the interim. Chances were they'd reached the outskirts of town already...or had already begun their infestation. He had to act quick, and he had to continue his investigation as soon as he could.

First things first, though. Samuel laid a hand over his silver locket and muttered a spell through his teeth. As soon as the last syllable had left his lips...he felt a sense of clarity fill him. Truesight would help him root out any goblins that had wriggled their way into town already, and he was

sure

there'd be at least a few.

He just had to hope the queen had stayed back at the camp to protect herself. If she was in the town already...

Samuel shook his head. No, there was no way.

He made his way past the fields on the outskirts of town, then into the center towards the inquisitor's lodge. Offered a nod to the fishmonger as he passed by. Marketplace was a little slow, perhaps. Possible that a few of the normal buyers and sellers had been snatched up already? Samuel grimaced at the thought.

His expression only soured from there as he made his way to the lodge. He'd been so

foolish.

So rash and

hasty.

People depended on him! Hell, he was one of two inquisitors in the entire town, and if

he'd

already fucked up, that only left the chief to deal with the problem! Samuel shook his head and steadied his nerves. No. No, he'd handle this himself, and as he stepped into the lodge itself, he resolved to fix the mistake he'd so foolishly wrought.

"Samuel." The chief nodded as he entered, a wry smile on her lips. Customary for there to be at least one woman and one man at each lodge, a sort of failsafe against any attempts at seduction or enchantment. That's what the chief said, at least. Right now, Samuel had the feeling they'd need that failsafe if things got out of hand. "You were gone a spell. Let's hear about that investigation." She sat up at her desk, reaching over for a smooth, stone tablet and tapping a fingertip to it. The surface glowed with runes, and the chief's fingertip hovered above it.

He sat opposite her and sighed. Pinched the bridge of his nose. "Didn't go well," he muttered.

The chief blinked at him and set the tablet aside. "How bad're we talking here? She get away?" He nodded, and she clicked her tongue. "Shit. And she was definitely on her way here, yeah?" He nodded again, and she rumbled with a sigh. "Fuck's sake. Hoped you might've sent her packing, but that's a two-person job, truth be told." The chief shut her eyes and shook her head, leaning an elbow on her desk in thought. "Should've gone out there with you."

"No," Samuel snapped. "What, and leave the whole town unprotected? Worst case, she knocks us

both

out-"

"She knocked you out?" The chief perked up, glancing over at him with a quirked brow.

His cheeks went red, and he looked away. After a few moments' silence, he nodded. "Yeah. Drugged kiss. Day and a half."

The chief groaned and leaned back in her seat. "A day and a half! Sam, why weren't you

warded

against something like that?! You never heard of a goblin queen before?!" She balled her hand up into a fist, let it sit on the desk for a few moments, and then abruptly

slammed

it down against the surface. "Fuck's

sake!

Alright, you get back out there and see if you can find any of 'em out in town." The chief rose from her desk and hurried to her scrying stones. "I'll send the word out to Greensborough and Lukastown. And-"

"Hold on-" Samuel rose from his seat. "Greensborough, sure, but Lukastown, too? Isn't that a bit-"

"What, a bit much? Sam, we got a

goblin queen

on the loose. We let her keep faffing around much longer, she'll be able to set up shop and expand her Domain for

miles.

" The chief shook her head and started tracing sigils on her scrying stones. "Then it won't matter where she is, because just about every goblin in the barony is gonna be piggybacking off her magical influence and able to convince anyone they want about anything they want. Cor!" She shook her head. "They'll be out in the boonies telling farmers that it's the law they gotta have a gob wife now, and the poor suckers'll buy it wholesale. A queen's magic is dangerous stuff, not least of which when it's such a

petty

little queen."

"Get back out there. See what we're dealing with in town. And-" The chief turned to point a finger up at him. "If you see one, do

not

say anything. Gobs

thrive

on panic. People who aren't thinking straight, they're more vulnerable than

anyone

if a gob tries to trick 'em. I'm serious; ward yourself before you go out, but don't so much as

touch

your locket until you get back here. If someone sees you warding, they'll realize something's up, and the last thing we need right now are rumors getting people worried. Understand?"

Samuel shut his eyes, sucked in a breath, and nodded. He opened his eyes and placed a hand over his locket and cast just about every ward he could think of, a steady stream of murmured spells. By the end of it, he was swaying on his feet, but he could bear this much, at least. Had to, if he was gonna make up for his mistake.

"Ah-" The chief blinked and glanced over her shoulder. "Check in with the guy who was manning the gatepost last night."

"Hob?"

"Musta been. He could've seen something. At least, he would've if they decided to come barging in." She sighed and shook her head. "Not the

most

likely, but it's better than skulking around in alleys."

"Right." Samuel turned to leave. "Ought I check back in if I find something?"

"Not right away. People might catch something's wrong if they catch you ducking in and out. Come back tonight." The chief sighed. "At the very least, I'll have gotten the word out."

With that, Samuel stepped back out into town. The air seemed to thrum around him, a phantom barrier against any and all attempts to deceive him. Not a permanent one, but it'd last until night at least. Right? The most he had to worry about were a few goblins trying to pretend they were milkmaids from out past the forest, and those wouldn't be nearly enough to undo every ward he'd cast over himself.

Besides, he wasn't supposed to actually apprehend any of them right now. He'd just note where he saw them, to whom they were speaking, and report back when he saw the chief next. Observation was the cardinal tool in an inquisitor's kit, and Samuel had to make full use of it if he were to eventually expose the interlopers.

...Still, his blood ran cold as he saw a farmhand flirting with a green-skinned shortstack in the market square. The goblin all but swooned against him, marveling over his tanned skin and his "muscular" frame.

And when she glanced over at Samuel? She just winked with a smile.

Before going back to her newfound beau, that is! Samuel grit his teeth and forced himself to move on as the goblin crooned sweet little lies about how she had nowhere to stay, how she'd be

so

thankful if such an industrious young man could let her stay the night, just

one

night.

= = =

Hob lived by the outskirts, right next to the river, so it was a bit of a walk to get there. Sam counted at least three more goblins past the one in the market on the way. One had been asking all sorts of questions of the deacon, giggling at his red-faced embarrassment when she asked if he could still get married. Another had hugged a woman right in front of her husband, proclaiming herself to be the wife's long-lost sister. The last had tried to stop and ask

him

for directions before focusing her attentions on an unwarded bricklayer just off work.

He'd never seen it firsthand, but Samuel quickly came to realize just how insidious the queen's influence was. Before, a goblin would've been thrown out on her ear for telling such bald-faced lies. Hell, he'd seen

that

before. But now, empowered by the queen's presence, the goblins' obvious deception just seemed to fluster and confuse their targets...before their insistence paved the way for acquiescence. All the goblins had to do was repeat the lie over and over before their victims seemed to sincerely believe it.

Probably helped when they mashed their curvy little bodies up against a man, though. Lies were a lot more palatable when they came pouring from plump, pouty lips. Even sweeter still when they were delivered breathlessly between kisses.

Well, Hob must've seen something if there were already a handful of gobs in the town. Samuel stepped up to his front door and thumped his fist against it. "Hob! It's Sam. Gotta question for you."

The door opened, and Samuel's eyes went wide.

Smiling up at him was a curvaceous goblin-maid, her sumptuous form wrapped up in a plain, grey dress...and an apron. She bared her teeth in a grin and turned to call over her shoulder. "Honey! Sam's here to see you!" Then those glittering green eyes were back on Samuel, and she reached up to grab his hand. "Oh, don't stand out there like a scarecrow! Please, come in!"

He almost didn't want to let her even

touch

him, but he couldn't make a scene, either. Sam just tugged his hand back and stepped inside on his own, doing his best to hide the worry creasing his brow. "Ah, thanks so much. Sorry for the imposition, it'll only take a moment."

"Oh, don't worry at all! My Hob's an

important man,

so it's only natural people'd come by to see him!" She giggled into her hand and turned to sashay into the house. "Honey! What'd I say? No getting up from your seat until you finished your slice of pie!"

"Sorry, darling, I only thought I'd stand up to greet Sam, and-"

"I won't hear a word of it! Sam, can you believe my

fool

of a husband?"

Samuel turned the corner to see Hob lounging back in a seat by the fireplace...and the goblin climbing up to nuzzle in his lap. She nearly mounted him, straddling his hips and taking a plate and fork in her hands to feed him. Slumped back in his seat, Hob couldn't do much more than stare adoringly up at his newfound cuckoo.

"I bake him his

favorite

kind of pie as a reward for being

such

a good guard at the gatepost, and he sees fit to let it go cold! What

am

I going to do with you?" She slipped a forkful of fruity, flaky goodness into Hob's mouth before leaning in to kiss his cheek.

"Mmf." Hob gulped it down without a second thought and cocked his head at her, as if he was bragging to Sam about his so-called bride. "I tell you, I must be the luckiest man alive. My darling here was picking kissberries all afternoon yesterday,

just

so she could bake me a pie today." His hand settled lazily on the swell of her hip. She wiggled back into his grasp with a giggle. "She only ended up getting back past sunset. Met me at the gate to check in and see how I was."

"And you barely even recognized me!" The green-skinned shortstack shook her head with a huff. "Hob, if

this

is how you're going to treat me now that the

novelty's

run its course, I may see fit to pack my bags and just

leave!

Imagine, getting

bored

of a wife as kind and generous as me after two measly years!"

Hob opened his mouth to speak, but something seemed to...

dull

him. His eyelids drooped before blinking heavily, and his jaw dropped, too. Finally, he managed to speak, but his words were slurred and sluggish. "Two years...? Hazzit been that long...?"

"

Yessss!

" The goblin seemed to hiss with delight, grinding her hips down onto Hob's lap as she cupped his cheeks. "Two

wonderful

years together as husband and wife. And to think we've been trying

that

long for children without any luck! Mm, it's just like you said: we'll just have to keep at it

every night

until you finally make a

mother

out of me, too."

"I said-" Hob mumbled a weak response before the goblin silenced him with a kiss, moaning against his mouth and bouncing her hips down against his lap. His eyes opened wider for a moment before sinking shut. His hands stayed on her hips, automatically groping at the soft curve of her backside as she rutted against him.

"Ah, and

Sam...

" The goblin purred, pulling away from the kiss, if only for a moment. She sat up on Hob's lap, straddling him and reaching to cast her apron aside. "Don't think I've forgotten about

you!

" Her eyes narrowed to slits, and she smirked at the stunned inquisitor. "Why, weren't you saying the other day that

you want to marry my sister?

She's

still

just working at the inn, you know." The goblin licked her lips and winked. "A

very

eligible bachelorette, if you were to ask me."

Samuel shook his head, turning away and moving towards the door. "No, no, I think you may have been speaking with someone else-" He muttered tersely. "I'm terribly sorry, but I actually have another matter to attend to. Hob-" Samuel looked over his shoulder at his friend as Hob's new goblin "wife" bounced mercilessly on his lap. He opened his mouth to say something, but what was there to say? As Hob's breathing turned steadily ragged, as his eyes rolled back and his jaw dropped...Samuel could only turn away and hope that he'd be able to save him. Somehow.

Sam shook his head as he shut the door behind him. Terrible! To think that one goblin would be able to do that to a man that quickly, warded or no! The only consolation was that Sam's wards had held up. There'd only been one little barb cast his way during that exchange, and there was no way that some flimsy attempt at matchmaking would undo the enchantments protecting him.

A sense of dread settled in the pit of Samuel's gut. It wasn't anything sudden, nor was its source unknown. Sam shut his eyes and sighed through his nose. It seemed all too cruel to have to visit the inn and see just how many goblins had put down roots there, but... Ugh. He had to be diligent, even if diligence meant staring his mistakes in their smug little faces. If there was any comfort to be found, it was that there weren't liable to be many people there in the middle of the day. Maybe a drunk or two. He'd tally the barmaids that'd been conned into scrubbing the floorboards, count up the goblins that insisted they were the rightful innkeepers, and be gone. It'd be simple as that.

= = =

Samuel stared miserably into his mug of cider and wracked his brain for an excuse to leave. This was more than disheartening, it was

humiliating.

He'd expected the goblins to have snuck in and taken over the inn, but Sam was beginning to wonder if the little green-skinned temptresses weren't just natural-born businesswomen. The sun had just

barely

dipped from its zenith, but he'd never seen the inn so utterly

stuffed

with people before. Tables brimmed with food and drink, great steaming platters of grain and meat and vegetables. Just about every seat had an ass in it, to say nothing of coopted laps. Some had two. One bench had

five.

And everyone seemed so

happy.

Being an inquisitor meant he had to put duty before pleasure, but Sam couldn't shake the feeling that he'd be spoiling just about everyone's fun as soon as he stepped out to make his report. It was as if there was some layer of invisible coldness around him, one that prevented any of the room's raucous joy from- Oh, right. The wards. Sam sighed. That'd do it.

"Aw, honey!" A voice chirped to his left. He glanced to see a goblin staring up at him, brow furrowed in sympathetic dismay. "What's wrong? You look so

sad!

"

"Whuzzat? Someone's not having a good time?" A voice squeaked to his right. Another goblin, this one sliding a plate of spicebread and butter in front of him. "Can't have that! Darling, you just eat up and enjoy yourself! You just say the word if you need anything, yeah?" She gave him a pat on the backside and bounced off to ferry more plates from the kitchen to other tables.

That left Sam alone with the first goblin, who'd since hopped up into the seat beside him. She hadn't stopped staring at him of course, but now she seemed to watch him with curiosity instead of concern. "Hold a mo', why d'you look so... Ah!" She stood up in her seat and pointed at Sam with a grin. "You're the guy what was looking for the queen!"

Sam sputtered and nearly spilled his untouched cider, and a passing goblin gave her more guileless sister in crime a swat on the ass. "Shut your mouth, you

dunderpate!

"

The goblin rubbed her rear end timidly before settling back into her seat. "Sorry, sorry!" She wiggled her hips, as if her derriere's own cushioning wasn't enough for her chair. "I've got a big mouth, yeah. But honey!" She scooted closer to Sam and hugged his side. For once, it seemed like a goblin was doing her best to

comfort

him as opposed to

prey

on him. He probably just had to give it time. "You don't gotta look so dour about all this! Here." She adjusted her seat once more and took a slice of spicebread. "This is

honestly

no big deal."

Sam felt her words as a little

ping

against his wards.

"I've ducked out of, what, two or three towns? Like, ones that we set up shop in, I mean. And it's not like anyone ever gets

hurt

or anything when we do! Here, pass the butter.

Thank

you. Anyway, look, we're not gonna break any husbands and wives up-"

Ping.

"-we're not gonna

domesticate

the men here-"

Ping.

"-and I can almost

guarantee

you that mostly

all

the girls that come into this town are going to end up moving on eventually."

PING.

The goblin took another slice of bread and plastered it with butter. "Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if we were in and out by tomorrow morning. Nice place, don't get me wrong, but most of us get

bored

trying to settle down. 'less it's for the right man, I suppose. Then again, us gobs tend to be picky, y'know?"

This was entirely too much. Samuel had to finally take a sip of his cider if only to steady his nerves, because his wards felt more akin to a set of moth-eaten pajamas than a suit of armor. Some of the goblin's musings made an uncanny amount of sense, and Samuel was two steps from plugging his ears up with his fingertips for fear that his wards would give out completely. Lucky for him, the goblin had passed from hollow reassurance to a dreamy blend of speculation and specification, the subject of which seemed to concern her future husband. It was telling that her attempts at soothing his worries paled compared to the face that her ideal marriage candidate seemed to be nothing like Samuel.

"And it'd be

nice

if he were good with animals, but that's only because I wanna get a dog someday? Oh, but he

can't

eat fish, on account of the fact that I

hate

how it smells when it's cooked. I suppose we

could

have it once a year for his birthday or sumfin', but if it's a dish you'd serve on a special occasion, that probably means he likes it more, not less. Yeah?" She looked to Samuel for validation...for a moment. Then she sighed and slid the spicebread closer to her. "Ah, what's the point in talking to

you

about this sorta thing. Not like

you

remember what it's like to be unwed."