I walked in like a newborn deer. My legs were jelly and at any moment I could collapse to the floor like a puddle of melted snow. I stared deep into my mom's eyes worrying most about her reaction, her body language, her expression. I glanced at my dad watching his eyes dart around like a cat tracking a laser pointer. Mark stared at me with the kind of smile making me feel like a princess walking down the grand staircase. Watching them, a kaleidoscope of emotions washed over me, and it became hard to process feeling the air start to drain from the room.
I felt proud. I felt self-conscious. I felt every inch of my body as I put one foot in front of the other walking into the room. It was in slow motion. I felt like I was in a parade. I felt like the butt of a joke. I shook but gleamed at the same time. A mix of cold and warmth soaked through me never feeling so confused and conflicted in my life. Twenty-two years of being a man was a run-away-train crashing into me, and how I felt at that moment. I felt like a woman. I felt pretty. I saw their eyes as they stared at me. They were shocked but didn't seem upset or angry. I smiled and slowly walked towards them.
My mom was the first to break the tension. She stood up and rushed to me grabbing me and holding me close while almost coming to a complete breakdown. Her arms wrapped me in like swaddling a baby. Her whole body just shook as she harshly expelled air trying to compose herself.
I was at a loss. My whole being wanted nothing other than to console her. Feeling her anguish crushed me on the inside. The overwhelming emotions of the moment drowned me, and it was hard to breathe. I felt like I let her down. I was her 'little football guy' as a kid. The memories of me being her little boy flowed through me like a cacophony of emotion and I felt like a dam breaking with the pressure. It only made me hug her tighter breaking down in my mom's arms. I lost track of what was happening and for a brief instance, I felt a moment of relief as I started sobbing.
Our embrace ended before I was ready, and my eyes locked with my dad. Wiping my tears, I saw a look I've never seen before. It was strange and took me off guard. I felt my mom's arms slipping off my shoulders and I cautiously stepped towards him not sure what to expect as a million versions of life flashed through my head.
He stood up and took a strong stance but in opposition to the strength he stood with, there was a warmth in his face. I smiled and sniffed, doing my best to hold it together. He smiled more and held his arms out and without saying a word, I felt so safe, so at home, so accepted. I rushed and rather than hugging around his shoulders, I was shorter and ended up hugging his torso. His arms collapsed around my shoulders, and just held me while I tried my best to not break down into a million pieces. I pushed my face into his chest and felt his heart against my head. The strangest moment of our lives unfolded in front of us.
It felt so good to feel them around me. I knew it wasn't the end and there was a lot of questions, but I wanted to make this moment last as long as I could. I felt the tears welling up and again, I felt frustrated they flowed so easily.
Mark and I sat down on a small couch across from mom and dad on the big couch and we looked at each other. I could feel my parent's eyes burning into me. They were drinking in this new look and likely they were thinking what I think when I look at myself. I look like Jason but not. I look like Jayla but also not.
My fingers squirmed together, my shoulders bunched up, and I finally broke the silence "So, how much did Mark tell you?"
My mother cleared her throat and leaned against my dad with her smile. She was nice. She was caring, but she had a streak in her that would tear up a city if you messed with her family.
"Well...Mark here told us about those... pills. I guess they do this (waving her arms) to boys. He um... he said you accidentally took the wrong one so you're going to be like this for a little while."
Mark smiled and nodded like it took him a while to explain all of that and they finally got it. I smiled and nervously crossed my legs the other way. I smiled and nodded with him.
Dad interjected, "So... one thing we don't fully get is ... why? Why did you take the pill? Why did you want to do this at all Jason?"
I blushed and looked away clearing my throat, "Well Dad, it was really just curiosity at first. I guess there are so many similarities between men and women but there are also a lot of differences. After Mark tried it, I saw it was safe and I got more curious what it was like."
They gasped a little and I realized Mark maybe didn't mention that part.
"Oh um..." I said nervously looking at Mark.
He smiled and tensed a little.
"You took one too Mark?"
"Yeah, I first tried it a while ago Mrs. Burke." He said rubbing his neck and I could feel how tense he was, and I wanted to sit near him and tell him it was okay, but he persisted on. "I was in the original study where they tested it."
My mom did the thing where she isn't so sure about what she's hearing. It's a smirk with a sideways glance to my dad even though he wasn't looking at her. My dad stared at me, and I think was still processing what his boy looked like. My dad was a good guy and what you may call the typical salesperson. Doing computer sales as long as I've known has made him pretty sensitive to how someone feels. He travels quite a bit but he's really good at what he does. He's usually well dressed and rather fit like a runner. Not much muscle but not much fat either. His straight blonde hair was parted on the side and had the slick look across his head. My mom had longer black wavy hair and worked as an accountant. That is even how my parents met when he came to sell at the company she worked for. He had a way to sweet talk her and I've seen more than once the effect he has on her.
My dad chimed in, "So are you still going to go to work?"
"Sure. I can still do my job just fine."
"Aren't you afraid of what... others ... may say?" he asked waiving his hand flippantly at the door as if to mean the world.
"A little but it is what it is. I'd change back if I could but while I'm like this, I can't just hide. If they don't like it, to hell with them."
My mom got a little smile looking a little proud how I wasn't let this get me down.
Suddenly the front door swung open, and Jayla walked through. She acted casual and just set her keys down heading for the kitchen with a nonchalant "hi mom hi dad" as she walked by the couch. Then she noticed Mark and then glanced at me and came to a slow stop.
"What's um... going on? Who's this?"
She read the mood of the room and could tell something serious was going on.
I spoke up, "Hi Jayla."
She looked at me and stared for a minute obviously recognizing the general familiarity of my look.
"It's me ... Jason."
Her eyes bulged out of her head and her jaw dropped on the floor. She gasped and backed up a step like I was contaminated.
"What the fuck is going on?" She stammered.
