Shmooed

Thanks to Todger 65 for editing.

*****

Prologue: Hansen's World, construction period: 2217.05.25 Terran Standard Year: Second Age of Human Space Exploration.

"What the fuck are these?"

"Careful you idiot. These creatures are expensive."

"So what are they?"

"They're from Cygnus Four. The Boss wanted them exclusive for the resort."

"Shit! This thing's mouth looks like a pussy!"

"Yeah, watch this."

"What the . . .? That looks like a dick! Fuck! I see why the boss wanted 'em. So what are we doing? Building a zoo?"

"Nope, these creatures are going to the park, for the guests."

"The guests? What the fuck they supposed to do? Make them pets?"

"Nope, guess."

" . . . Oh! You mean . . .?"

"Yep, heh!"

"Well! 'Every pleasure imaginable,' I guess. So, what's the acetone for?"

"Them; these creatures sweat one hell of an adhesive. Pretty much superglue. The brain monkeys don't quite know the composition, but the acetone's for the guests anyway. It works."

"Hmmm, I don't like it; means the research on these things are incomplete."

"The guests signed the waivers so we're absolved of liability. We know these things produce a powerful aphrodisiac, real super Viagra stuff, and they breed like rabbits so all of them have to be sterilized."

"I'm still not sure, but I'll be far away when this park opens so it won't be my problem. You sure the safety protocols are in place?"

"'Course. Hey, it's simple enough. S'long's we have glue remover and follow sterilization protocols nothing'll go wrong."

"Right, so why the weird name?"

"The explorer who found them was a fan of some obscure old comic strip. Thought the the things looked like a creature from it. The guy's parents named him after the strip's creator, so he named it as a kind of tribute."

"Oh? Who's the explorer?"

"Al Capp."

****

Dick woke the following morning, showered, and had some spots missed from last night, lasered and electrolysized. "Damn good shower!" In the bedroom, he queried Virginia for a progress report. The holotablet didn't display the avatar but her voice came through the audio.

"There are some unexpected complications," she said. "I am currently configuring an updated mainframe to accommodate Stewardess, plus I'm scrolling through stored shuttles and engines for compatibility. The whole process will take several days I'm afraid. I must apologize. Shall I inform the others?"

"Yes, do so," Dick answered. He didn't feel like explaining to the others that they were stuck for longer than expected, "Not after the fucking whining at the spaceport."

It didn't seem all that bad, really. Several days in luxury accommodations, albeit in an unusual venue. It would give him time to explore; examine what would (presumably with Dad's help) be his soon. First things first or so his rumbling stomach informed him.

The lobby was empty except for Angelina. Her smile was bright, wide, and just a little vapid. "Good morning, Mr. Ransome! I trust you've had an excellent rest? Breakfast is ready in the dining hall. Your passengers are currently dining. You will find the food excellent with no degradation of taste. May I be of further assistance?"

"I know what you can assist me with,"

Dick thought, but said, "No, no thank you. I'll just go and break my fast." He was surprised at her presence, assuming someone else would man the morning shift but then he saw her name tag. "Angelina 127? How many models do you represent?"

"There are two hundred and twenty of me, originally cloned from a prime model. She was very famous in her day."

"Over two hundred, huh? Do all your duties revolve around the front desk?"

"Hospitality is my mandate. However, given the nature and primary function of this resort, I am also available for other . . . duties," Angelina smiled, demure and seductive.

"Other duties,"

Dick thought,

"And there are two hundred and twenty of her."

Then he realized,

"Fuck! I can have fun and not wreck my probation! It's a sex resort!"

He grinned, "I'll keep that in mind," and left the lobby.

He followed the smells to the dining hall. His mouth watered when he saw the buffet, classic old-school, heaped with Terran and non-Terran meats, eggs, vegetables, and cereals. "Hot damn!" Dick smiled. "No more shuttle rations."

The other guests sat at tables around the hall; Robby and Magda ate alone, respectively. Mike and Mandy whispered, giggled, and canoodled. Dick the cynic snorted,

"That won't last long."

Starry-eyed love birding annoyed him immensely.

Mark and Kathy ate together but didn't speak. Sometimes one or the other would glance at Robby, who ate his cereal in his quiet contemplative manner.

Dick piled on his plate, cleared his throat, and spoke while heading to his table. "So, in case you didn't get the news, Virginia has informed me it'll be a few more days before she can get a shuttle ready."

"Figures," Kathy snorted.

"Well, that how it is people, so no use sulking. We're at a resort now. The company's paying for everything so I suggest we make the most of it."

The dining hall was silent. Everyone stared at Dick with expressions ranging from glowering to neutral. "Hey! Don't blame me," Dick said.

Robby resume eating his cereal. As if it were a cue, the rest did the same. A few disgruntled mutters came from the Summers' table, the majority from Kathy.

"God, I can't wait to get to the next port,"

Dick thought.

"The further away from these losers, the better."

And if he can screw them over the planetary claim, all the more sweet, Dick smiled.

Breakfast continued silently over the hour. Dick kept to himself, busy enjoying the taste of bacon, sausage, and eggs for the first time in weeks.

The first to leave were Mike and Mandy. They'd spent the hour cooing and giggling, ignoring the others. When they finished their breakfast, Mike glanced towards the dining hall entrance and whispered something to Mandy.

Mandy's eyes widened and she whispered back. The buzzing went back and forth with the lovebirds' taking expressions of growing curiosity and mischief.

Finally, the couple rose from the table and left the hall, leaving a trail of giggles and whispers, sparing not a glance to the other guests.

"Guess they're off for some fun,"

Dick smirked.

Robby was the next to leave. His sister had left her table and approached him. Robby saw her coming, got up, and left quickly, leaving her annoyed and quizzical.

"Wonder what that was about?"

Dick asked. After a few minutes a pouting Kathy whispered something to Mark and left. Mark followed a second later.

Dick was left alone with Magda, who quietly ignored him while scanning her holo-pad. Dick finished his breakfast while stealing glances at the redhead.

"Son of a bitch! That woman is grade A fuckable! Should I make a move?"

He had to be careful, given his probation, but this place . . .

"It's built for sex, literally."

Dick decided his best approach was to use something he hadn't utilized in years, strategy. "I could chat her up, see if she bites, then see if she bites, heh! She's a cold bitch but I've warmed a few in my time. If she doesn't, I'll try a direct approach, less refined but more effective. The 'he said/she said' move might work. I may be on company probation but in this place? She'd have as much to explain as me. And I have Dad. He'll pay her off; he paid off the others, or blackmail her, hold her claim hostage."

Dick was so busy musing on his plans for Magda, he didn't notice her contemptuous glance. He had just enough time to enjoy a glimpse of her back as she left the hall. "Fuck!" he cursed and hurried after her.

She wasn't in the lobby. "Did you see the red-haired woman?" he asked Angelina.

"Oh! Ms. Lorraine? She passed through earlier for breakfast."

"No, I mean just now," he replied, annoyed.

"I have not seen Ms. Lorraine since approximately one hour and five minutes ago. Do you wish to speak with her? I can give you her location if you wish."

"Yes, I wish," Dick answered with more than a trace of sarcasm.

Angelina tapped the desk. A holo-map of the resort appeared, antiquated but easy to read. The dots indicating the guests' locations were spreading in various directions. "Which one is Magda Lorraine?"

Angelina tapped a dot. "Oh! She's in cab Sexy Beast The Seventh, present destination, the Green Grotto of Debauchery. A most excellent choice. It's a botanical garden with private pools and within walking distance of the music hall."

The word "private" was the one Dick found most attractive. "How do I get a cab?"

"Oh! The resort cabs have automatic response service. All you need do is step outside and one will immediately become available. We have bays in the back and front."

"The back? So Magda must have taken a cab from there."

"Yes, but the cabs access all areas."

"All right, thanks for the info," Dick said and left for the front entrance.

The cab that came for him was small, elaborately colored, and modeled along the lines of a pre-Space Age BMW Coupe. "Greetings, I am Cock Fiend No. 327. May I be of assistance?"

"Uh yes, I need a ride to the . . . what did she call it? Right, the Green Grotto."

"Oh! The Green Grotto of Debauchery! Excellent choice, sir. Exotic plants, private grottoes and pools; perfect for private assignations. Would you like some music on the way, sir?"

"Uh no," Dick replied. "Just drive."

****

"Well, this place is just about as impressive as the hotel," Dick remarked. The Green Grotto was actually a misnomer. It was more a series of grottoes, gardens, and pools, all of varying sizes, both natural and man-made. They were broken by thick hedges which contributed to a concealed structure. "Hmmm, good for private parties," Dick thought.

Statuary, much of it Greco-Roman and intensely erotic, were displayed everywhere. The paths were laid in a maze-like pattern, slightly unsettling. Dick wasn't too familiar with ancient Greek mythology but a part of him hoped he wouldn't find a bull-headed monster in this place.

The Grotto was lush and well kept. "Virginia did a great job of keeping this place up," he marveled. Many of the plants were terrestrial. Dick recognized quite a few willow, plum, and rose trees of varying species. The smaller plants were more eclectic, with terrestrial orchids and carnations mixed with exotic extraterrestrials. "Cross pollination could be a problem," Dick thought, remembering prep school science classes ("Really boring!") and anti-contamination briefings from pilot training. Then he remembered modern botanical gardens used nanobot swarms to control pollination between xeno and terrestrial plants. "I don't see any here, but they could still be in stasis."

Reminders of the resort's true purpose were spread around the trails and grottoes: benches, recliners, love seats, even beds placed in random areas. Some places were patches of tall grass, perfect for lovemaking.

Placed intermittently along the trails were small phallic objects, reminiscent of elaborate sex toys. A light went off in Dick's head. He looked closer and thought back to the statues. "Son of a bitch! Of course!" he chuckled. The statues, their positioning, and the phallic sculptures; they

were

sex toys. The whole garden was built to fuck. "Stupid! It's the resort, remember?" Still, the Grotto drove the point home more than Virginia, Angelina, or even Pussy Wagon ever could.

Dick wandered through the Grotto, imagining guests impaling themselves upon the statues or the sculptures, fucking in the beds and recliners, or screwing in the grass. He grinned and chuckled, "This place must have been wild back in the day. I wonder if . . ."

"Oh bloody hell!"

Dick looked up, startled, "Oh!

Fuck! Did I just sound like Virginia?"

He was happy to be reminded why he came in the first place. The reminder didn't look happy but he didn't care.

Magda glared at the Captain with the look of one viewing a slimy slug-like creature that just shat a foul-smelling log while puking a bucket of semen . . . on an ape with a syphilitic cock. "What the bloody fuck are you doing here?"

Dick smirked. It was a familiar question asked by many. "Looking around, like you. That a problem?"

"Oh, a problem you ask? All the places to see in this resort and you just happen to come to this one?" She had her hands on her hips, and her look was ice cold with a cocked eyebrow.

"Well, this seemed like a good place to . . . come into," Dick cocked an eyebrow back.

Magda snorted, "

Only a piece of shit narcissist idiot would say that.

Well, 'come into' someplace else, I'm not interested." She turned her back and walked down the path.

"Interested in what?" Dick called after, following.

"You think I'm a bloody fool? And stop following me."

"It's an open resort and a free galaxy," Dick said, grinning. "I'm not allowed to go anywhere I want?"

"Not with me you're not," Magda replied, glancing back. She rolled her eyes and said another "Bloody hell!" when he trotted up to keep pace.

"Bloody pest! Maybe I could simply run,"

she thought, but she wasn't exactly dressed for running, in her tight denims, blouse, and walking shoes. She could increase her pace, tire him out, maybe.

"It won't work,"

she decided.

"He's a prick but he looks fit. Better to Krav Maga his ass when he makes his move."

"Well, as you can see, I'm not following," Dick smirked.

"No, just harassing and being fucking annoying," Magda replied. "I'm going to report you when we leave this place, you know."

"You could, but won't that be awkward considering the venue? Besides, I'm not doing anything. I'm just walking."

"And being a dick,"

Magda thought.

"There's got to be a way to shake this prick. I can't kick his balls. He'd have me for assault."

She looked around.

"I've passed this way before,"

she realized.

"Right before this fuck came in. There's a place nearby . . ."

An idea, a beautiful salvation of an idea, came into her brain. She smiled,

"Bluh-dee hell!"

The Captain was one of those retro-macho fratboy pests she despised. Good for a fuck occasionally, not much else. The best way to ditch him was to play on that. "Okay," she said with feigned resignation. "I'll let you walk with me, on one condition."

"Oh? What's that?"

"Simple, keep up," and she disappeared into the bushes.

"What? Fuck!" Dick said and followed; for a brief moment he thought he had her at "Okay." He'd heard far worse from women before he got them into bed, and sometimes when in the sheets. It was getting more difficult these days. He wasn't old but no longer young, but he still had it, or so he always told himself. Besides, he could be persuasive, even if a few didn't exactly say yes.

Chasing Magda through the bushes was more difficult than he expected. Sure he was in shape and exercised regularly, but she slipped through the dense trail with the ease of a deer. Dick didn't know Magda was a champion cross country runner in high school and still ran for exercise. The Captain quickly lost sight of her.

"Shit!" he grunted. There was a sound of rushing water ahead. He followed it and came across a pool.

It was easily the most beautiful in the Grotto. Some waterfalls cascaded down rocks, feeding into the pool which was ringed by blue olive and Prunus rosa (rose plum, from Proxima Centauri) trees, and curiously shaped rock formations.

The formations were smooth, roundish, brown-gray, and moss-covered. They looked like globular clusters with a somewhat artificial appearance, like plastic rather than natural. Dick found the formations odd, like cheesy furniture, but he was more interested in Magda. "Where the fuck is she?"

"Took you awhile," Magda replied. She was behind a large harshberry bush, fumbling with something.

"You're a good runner," Dick grinned, "But not many can outrun me." He started to walk towards the bush. "So, what are you doing?"

Magda held out her bra, "Should be obvious."

Dick's brows went up and so did his cock. "Oh yeah baby!" His walk turned into a run.

"Uh-uh-uh!" Magda teased. "We're still playing."

Dick stopped, "Oh? Now what?

And why am I playing with this bitch. I got her now . . . yeah, right, still not safe. Consent and affirmation defense. All right, I'll play . . . for now.

"

"The game is this. We race to the falls. The first one who gets there wins. The prize is whatever the winner wants. I suggest you start now. The race includes who can get their clothes off fastest," she threw out her denims, "And I've got a head start. Oh! The pool's shallow so don't dive."

"All right!" Dick shouted with a fierce get-me-some look.

Magda timed her strip perfectly; taking just enough time to give the impression of a race. She observed Dick with no small amount of amusement.

"Ego, libido, machismo, and stupidity, ha! Perfect combo."

When Dick got his clothes off, Magda actually stifled a gasp.

"Well! That's impressive."

He may be over-sexed but he had the equipment. Dick, as it turned out, was an apt description in all aspects. Magda suspected the hairless look was to enhance the package; she was actually tempted.

"Nope Magda, he's beneath you,"

she reminded herself.

Dick was more interested in the presumed prize awaiting him at the end of the race.

"I love pool fucks!"

Had Dick been more introspective, he might have acknowledged his actions exemplified the carelessness which got him busted from cruise ship captain to shuttle pilot; or, perhaps, an increasing lack of caution as he grew older. As it stood, he splashed into the water and didn't bother to look back until he reached the falls.

Once there, he turned with a victorious "Ha!" . . . to see the fully clothed Magda, with a wickedly triumphant smirk on her face, picking up his clothes and his bluetooth. "What the fuck?!"

"Well, I guess you won," she laughed. She took his bluetooth and gave it a hard throw. It arced over into a small nearby brook, with rocks similar to the ones by the pool. "I still got it. I used to play softball as well as cross country running."

"You fucking bitch!" Dick yelled.

"You fucking . . . Dick," Magda sneered back. "I'll be going now. You'll find your clothes in one of the pools. I'll leave you to guess which," and with a laugh, she was gone.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cunt!" Dick shouted, splashing after her. He stood at the edge of the pool, cursing Magda, and himself for being such a fucking spunk brain.

"Fucking bitch! I'm going to fucking rape her fucking ass when I get back!" he cursed. "I'll fucking make her bleed! She'll beg on her knees and I'll rip her ass so hard she'll scream, and I'll pound her pussy and fuck her holes and she'll fuck my cock to say sorry! No cunt fucks me like that and gets away with it!"

He climbed out of the pool and went around to the brook, looking for his bluetooth. "Fuck probation, fuck Stewardess, and fuck the board," he grunted. "I'll get my Dad and we can fuck 'em all. I'll suck her and the others dry. Even the board'll spread their legs. We'll either pay 'em off, or we'll be too rich to touch."

He searched among the rocks in the brook, cursing all the way. Bluetooths were all that big or easy to find but the model was expensive, and he needed it to communicate with Stewardess. "Fucking bitch! Fuck all bi . . ."