Happy Hogswatch

- a continuing celebration of

-

Fifty Years of Pratchett

© 2023 Duleigh Lawrence-Townshend. All rights reserved. The author asserts the right to be identified as the author of this story for all portions not previously copyrighted by Terry Pratchett. This story or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner without the express written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a review or commentary. If you see this story on any website other than Literotica.com, it has been copied without the author's permission.

This is a work of love, a fan fiction. If you are not familiar with Terry Pratchett's Discworld, I hope this is a good introduction for you. The Discworld is flat, round, it sits on four elephants that stand on a turtle, but it's not all that different from us. It's hopelessly caught in our 16th century with 19th century refinements. The people are simple people, funny, scheming, hardworking, and when given the opportunity, hopelessly romantic. It's midwinter in the tiny kingdom of Lancre and it's almost time for the jolliest holiday of all...

This story was written for the

2023 Winter Holiday Contest

"One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry."

-

Terry Pratchett, 28 Nov 1992 on alt.fan.pratchett

______________________________________________

Happy Hogswatch!

Sometimes you need a midwinter miracle.

It is an amazing thing that observers of the multiverse have discovered, the co-existence of a holiday throughout the multiverse. They discovered that in societies that experience severely cold winters, a holiday grows somewhere in the cold. The holiday first came about for the marking of passage of time, to mark the day that the nights become shorter and days grow longer. These holidays were needed for something to do, to break the monotony of winter and lift the spirits, to remind the population that all was not bleak.

The holiday found on the discworld started for similar reasons, but somehow became even more similar to a holiday celebrated in certain round worlds. A masculine figure gowned in red and white travels the world in an animal drawn

flying

sleigh to reward the good deeds of growing children. People decorate their homes with bright and cheerful colors to drive away the gloom of the long winter nights, special devotional songs and carols are sung and special treats are made to mark that night.

The researchers who discovered this phenomenon are the type of people who study these things in awe and wonder, yet at the same time forget their own children's birthdays.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Ages ago a blind, crazed holy man was asked by the Crocodile head, alligator body, shark tooth God Karg, the god of lawyers and poorly worded contracts, to draw the next world. The holy man was an Adept of one of those religions that worship things that could never be, but were based on things that exist: Oketchi, the Dog faced Snake God, the fetcher of news. Kiv, the god with the body of a tiger, jaws of a pit bull, and eyes of an octopus, he was the god of low angle attacks. And Ecchi, the eight limbed god of hentai, the bringer of reluctant pleasure and lord of warm, dark places.

Given a huge blank wall, the blind, crazed holy man drew a large sea turtle which amazed all who watched the small, skinny, sunburnt holy man draw with chalk. Then atop the turtle, he drew five elephants standing back to back on the shell of the turtle, then atop the elephants he drew the world. Perfectly circular, ten thousand miles across and one hundred miles thick the disc was a work of art, continents sprawled across the disc, a central peak shot ten miles into the sky, a spectacular perpetual waterfall skirted the edges, and a tiny sun and a tiny moon circled the entire design. When he was finished he collapsed and said to Karg, "what do you think my lord?"

Karg, the ruler of them all, glanced at the wall and said, "I speak for the Great Creator when I say, very nice, but too many elephants. Can we go with four? We're trying to keep the costs down...."

"... and that's why our world sits on four elephants, that ride atop a giant sea turtle today," said Nick Worblehat-Stein, taking off his large glasses and finishing up the bedtime story for his tiny twins. Scientific texts like this knock them right out.

On a unique world, the Worblehat-Stein family is probably the most unique family. Nick, who's full name was Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein, was short and muscular with black hair that defies all brushes and combs and a closely cropped beard that mostly covers a rakish scar on his left cheek. He wore an eyepatch made of real crockelgator skin over his left eye which is endearing to his wife. He's a witch in a land where all witches are women. Octavia is taller, she too has black hair that never seems to need attention. Long, black, silky smooth her hair does little to detract attention from her large round breasts, narrow waist, and round hips.

Six-month-old Loo-Loo (Llewela) was fast asleep in his arms, and her twin brother Lou (Llywellyn) in his mother's arms was almost asleep, their older sister, four-year-old Hollie, was sitting between Nick and Octavia and was drifting off too. Their oldest brother, Marlon, who had just turned seven, was lying on the floor in front of the fire, reading a story of his own, and was drifting off to sleep as well. A good nighttime story in front of a fire on a cold winter evening after a long day of work was the best way to cap a winter evening for a growing family.

"Ok everybody, off to bed, we don't know what surprises the Hogfather has for us," said Octavia as she tried to get up without causing Lou to wake up. "He will be here in just two more days!"

"OH mom!" whined Marlon. He stopped believing in the Hogfather last year... that was until the Hogfather brought him a donkey all of his own for Hogswatch last year. He didn't want a donkey, he never thought of owning a donkey, but Hogfather knew better and now Bongo is Marlon's constant companion, carrying Marlon's pack, tackle box, and fishing rods. Together, they explore every inch of Bear Mountain with Marlon's best friend Annette, and sometimes they give Holly the occasional ride. Marlon gazed at the fire, all of his seven years of age rebelling, fighting to stay up later. Who wants to go to bed when they can watch the fire and marvel at all the glittering tinsel, shining glass ornaments, and flickering candles? Maybe dad will get out his dulcimer and play a carol or two.

Every Hogswatch season, their humble little cottage became a glittery midwinter fairyland, their decorations even include a dozen fairies.

Real

fairies. For some reason Nick really liked fairies and always had a dozen flittering around the house. The fairies sat in the Hogswatch tree and on the fireplace mantle, flitting from branch to branch, glittering and shining, and sometimes they'd break into song. The fairies were waiting for everyone to go upstairs and go to sleep so they could raid the honeycomb.

{

The fairies on discworld look like little naked women with butterfly wings. Even though they are of different colors it's actually quite easy to tell which ones are male. The males are the brunettes. Their favorite foods are nectar, honey, and bananas. They can fly and sing and talk with other animals but have to be bribed if you want to know what the other animals are saying.

}

"We have work tomorrow," said Nick softly.

"Can I sleep on

my

couch?" said Marlon as he scrambled onto the ancient and most honorable throne of the emperor of the Agatean empire, the very couch he was born on in a bamboo forest half the disc away.

Nick just smiled as Octavia put Lou in his arms along with Loo-Loo. "Come on

kæri

," said Nick softly, and he carried both twins upstairs to the nursery while Octavia carried Hollie. Marlon remained behind stubbornly, but eventually closed the book and headed upstairs. His dad called him

kæri

, that was what the witches called their dearest friends, he's only heard his dad call the blacksmith and his mom

kæri

so Marlon figured he was in good company.

Nick and Octavia Worblehat-Stein are the most unique couple living on a unique discworld. He is a witch, the only male witch in existence, but he serves his community proudly, delivering babies, healing wounds, dispensing herbal poultices and plasters, and his patients love him. Their house is a witch's cottage, and he has a broom but has never flown on it. He doesn't have to; he was given the power of the ancient elves and the only thing he has figured out to do with that power was to change into different animals. It's a common sight to see a thoroughbred racehorse tear through town enroute to a medical emergency or a birth.

His wife, Octavia Worblehat-Stein, is five foot six, which makes her three inches taller than Nick, but like Nick, she has thick black hair and an even temper. She's also the most powerful magic user on the disc. Through off-disc magical training she became a powerful wizard, the only female wizard on the disc, and with that power she became The Enchantress, not a user of magic, a source of magic, a sourceress you might say, but her official title is Enchantress. She's only enchanted one man, Nick, but he was already in love with her, so that may not count. Only once has she used her tremendous powers to the utmost and she almost tore the discworld apart, so now she lives quietly terrified that she may use those powers again. Both are members of the King of Lancre's court, Nick is the duke of a rural duchy, and she is the court wizard in a tiny mountain kingdom that they fell in love with. Now with four children and a talking dog their life is utterly blissful.

Marlon stacked a couple of logs on the fire and blew out the candles, then headed up the stairs to bed. Halfway up the stairs, he turned around and crouching said, "Good night!"

"Good night!" called the twinkling fairies and one by one they winked off and the fire became the only light in the house. In his bedroom, Marlon drew the curtain between him and his sister and put on his nightclothes as his mom helped Hollie get dressed. Finally, dad came in from laying down the twins and went to help Octavia with Hollie, who was being stubborn and silly. The children were "blessed" with their father's dark hair that seemed to go in all directions moments after combing, and their mother's brown eyes and light skin. Only Loo-Loo got her mother's thick black hair that was always perfect.

"Ok, off to sleep little silly, and think of what you would ask the Hogfather if you saw him."

"I want grandpa back," whined Hollie on the edge of tears. It's been six months since Octavia's adoptive father died. He was a wizard who had been turned into an orangutan decades ago and fought back at every effort to return him to human. He ran the library at the Unseen University for long solitary years and spent the last few years of his life in joyful retirement living with Nick and Octavia, playing with and spoiling his grandchildren. When he said, "Ook," he was being honest, they really were the best years of his life and he lived just long enough to see the twins be born.

"We all miss daddy sweetheart, good night."

After kissing Hollie goodnight, Nick and Octavia tucked Marlon in. "She's such a baby," whispered Marlon. "The Hogfather can't bring grandpa back."

"Maybe he'll bring us memories we can hold on to," said Octavia as she tucked her son in. Although the growing family thought they were ready, no one is ever truly ready for the surprises that the Hogfather brings. That's why they're called surprises.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Unseen University, Ankh Morpork

It was cold and blustery in Ankh Morpork, the largest city on the disc. It outgrew its city walls and sprawled out across the Sto Plains centuries ago and has been growing ever since. Ankh Morpork no longer needs those walls, moral corruption does the job quite nicely now. Invading armies march into the city on a regular basis and finding no defenders they have a bit of a look around. Once they find the nightlife and the flesh pits of the riverfront they eventually take up residence. In Ankh Morpork you can buy anything you can think of, and if you can't find it, any self-respecting vendor will steal it for you. The motto of the city is QUANTI CANICULA ILLE IN FENESTRA {

how much is that doggie in the window

} but no one seems to know why.

On that blustery December evening, a pair of women wrapped up against the weather in black wool that clearly wasn't up to the task, timidly knocked on the door of the Unseen University. They've been dreading doing this for weeks but this is their last hope, and if they are turned away it's over. There's nowhere else for them to search. The Unseen University is an old and monstrous brick and stone creation designed to contain and sustain wizards and their students, segregating them from society, making the world safer from magic through containment. For 2000 years, the university has stood, and rising from the center of the complex is the Tower of Art. At 888 feet in height, it climbs into the night sky like a twisted branch, a relic of the Sorcerer Wars of centuries ago.

Finally, the main door opened, and a nervous young face peered out. "May I help you?"

Jutta Aldana, the taller of the two women summoned up all her courage and said in a strong but fear laced voice, "We need to see the librarian."

"Follow me," said the young wizard, and he led the women through the maze of hallways, passing classrooms and laboratories. The smoke and sparkles of failed attempts of magic greeted them. As they walked they had to duck and dodge fluttering magical experiment debris that flew from classroom doors and rebounded off the opposing wall or lost traction mid-flight and dropped to the floor with a moist splat. "It's right this way," shouted the young wizard over the sound of the ripping of the fabric of the universe. "Finals are this week and the boys need to get ready for their practical exams." Finally silence returned and they were able to walk in potential safety before reaching the library.

In the library tall cases of books seemed to reach the domed ceiling, where the silvery light of the moon illuminated the library between the passing of dark clouds. Small purple lamps glowed here and there throughout the library and there was a rustling sound. Some of the more magical books strained against their restraining chains and flapped their covers in anger while student volunteers tried to calm them by feeding them humorous bookmarks. The books were anxious, they rarely have guests and never women.

A man with a very narrow face and a pronounced widow's peak glared down from the librarian's desk at the terrified women. Both of the women were short with black hair shot with gray. He considered them with a sneer and he sniffed in derision. The man had a long nose that was adorned by tiny pince-nez glasses, and he said in an equally pinched voice, "May I help you?"

"I'm looking for my daughter, I..." started Jutta. Jutta was the taller of the two and in a different setting, her beauty may have been breathtaking. Now she was cold and tired, worry etched her face with lines that were heartbreaking to see.

"I'm sorry, madam, but this is an all-male school. There are no daughters here."

"I... I left my daughter at the library hoping some kind soul would find a home for her."

"You don't leave children at the library. You leave

books

at the library, madam," snapped the librarian.

"The fire brigade across the street had burned down and..." she tried to explain. Fire brigades are famous for taking in foundlings, libraries are not. The woman broke down in tears. Her companion was not far behind her.

Now the shorter of the two women, Catrin Lenz started "My husband abandoned my son outside the walls of this institution, would you know of any foundlings in the..." Catrin had an oversized pair of glasses but it was clearly obvious that the tiny woman wasn't wearing the glasses, she was hiding behind them.

"BOOKS!" shouted the librarian, "NOT CHILDREN, BOOKS! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A DAY CARE CENTER!"

The librarian was nearly shrieking when a very large wizard walked up and said, "That will do, Bérenger."

"But Archchancellor!"

"Bérenger, this is my university. If there is shouting to be done, I will do it. Now ladies, let's start again. I am Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of the Unseen University. How may we help you?"

"Please sir," started Jutta, "Years ago my husband and I took ill after our girl was born, we were told we were going to die... I had to find a home for our baby but no one would take her because of our illness; she was so beautiful..." The tears were flowing now, "I heard that the fire brigade took in foundlings but the fire brigade across the street from here burned down, and I saw... I saw..." now her tears were flowing in heart-rending sobs.

"You saw the library's book return?" asked Ridcully.

"Somebody had to be there... anyone who likes books likes children, right?"

Glaring at Bérenger, Ridcully agreed. "Present company excluded; you are correct. What happened next?"

"I went home to die with my husband and we were grabbed by Klatchan slavers. They dragged us onto a crowded ship and after we agreed to work for them, they gave us something that cured us. We got off the ship in Klatch and were forced to work in the Syrrit tobacco plantations. Last year my husband died, and I escaped... I need my baby; she's got to be almost twenty now but..."

Ridcully frowned, Klatchian slavers. They were quite a problem decades ago, running about poisoning people and dragging them off, thinking they were dying. "Do you mind if I see your arm?"

Jutta knew what he was talking about and she rolled up her left sleeve to show the seven-digit number tattooed on her years ago. The number was fading, but it was still there. "I am so sorry, m'lady." He turned to Catrin and asked, "you are looking for a child also?"

"Not a child anymore..." Catrin steeled herself and continued. "I married young, and it wasn't long before the beatings started..." She spun a tale of her own domestic nightmare, which ended with her near death in a hospital from a severe beating over a pair of wet socks. "I ran. I tried to get my boy, but I couldn't, and I couldn't take another hit. I heard years later that he threw my baby out on the street. Pommy was five! Who would abandon a five-year-old on the street? Would anyone know about such a child? When word reached me that my husband died, I got the courage up to return to Ankh-Morpork and maybe find my boy."

Mustrum Ridcully looked at the two forlorn women. Why does this always come up just before the holidays? Poor Catrin's face looked twisted from the beatings of her past... how does this happen? "Come with me ladies," and as he led them through the University he said, "Our previous librarian knew something about a child that was found at the library years ago. Where the child went is known only to him, the gods rest his soul. However, the Librarian was quite a friend of the Duke and Duchess of Wægn, he spent his remaining years with them and he may have told them about it." He led the women to the only place in the University with women they could befriend, the housekeeping section and said, "Mrs. Whitlow, this is Jutta Aldana and Catrin Lenz. Could you scrounge up a meal for them? They looked famished. And maybe pack them something for the road. They have a journey ahead of them."