A Date with the Devil
PART ONE: THE WRIGGLING WRANGLER
LUCIFER
"So..." Rachel said, sitting across the table from me at the coffee shop patio, "you, Lucifer Beelzebub Satan, are in love with me, Rachel Christine Johnson."
"Yeah," I sighed as I stirred my coffee, "I am."
"How..." Rachel said as she searched the brimstone sky, hoping to find the words written there, "how did that happen?"
"A series of chemical reactions in the brain that form endorphins based off compatible immune systems," I replied through a wry smile, "or an immortal goddess finally found someone who could match her; one of the two."
"So, hear me out for a second," Rachel said, raising her hands like she was going to say something preposterous, "what if all these tests you and God have been doing, are actually some kind of fucked-up dating service for you?"
"That's an interesting thought," I mused as I placed a cigarette between my lips and offered one to Rachel, "I always thought we were doing it because we were bored, and needed an excuse to fuck."
"You don't believe in some form of destiny?" Rachel asked as she accepted the cigarette and lit it between her full pouting lips.
"Oh, I believe in destiny." I laughed as I blew out a cloud of smoke, "I give morons down on earth destinies all the time. Do I believe God and I subconsciously worked out a dating service for myself? No. You, Rachel, are what we call a 'happy accident.'"
"Jesus beat you," Rachel said after blowing her own cloud, "he matched you test for test, and he won, but you don't love him; quite the opposite, actually."
"Jesus is a douchebag," I laughed, "and I don't go for those types."
"Is it because he's a man?"
"In case you haven't noticed," I said as I inhaled the sweet burn of tobacco, "I like penis. No, when you get to be as old as me, (which is forever), you stop seeing gender, and look more toward the... inner part of a person."
"Their soul." Rachel replied. I nodded.
"And ever since you came down here seven days ago, I've been increasingly drawn to you. I don't know how to say it, because I've never felt it before, but I got the feeling of... sameness with you; like we're kindred spirits."
"I was a holy pious bitch." Rachel laughed, "I don't know what you saw in me then."
"Same thing I see in you now;" I replied, "strength, defiance, resolve, an insatiable sexual appetite, a fucked-up sense of humor; it was all there the moment I laid eyes on you. You didn't know it then, but I could see it. Maybe I loved you the moment I saw you, maybe it was after your bout with Caitlyn; I don't know."
"But why keep me at an arm's length?" Rachel asked as she pushed out her cigarette and leaned forward, "If you liked what you saw, why keep up the faΓ§ade? God pretended not to be a whore, and now our relationship is strained. You posed yourself as nothing more than a challenger, and that's how I see you. That, and a fuck-buddy."
"Well..." I said, leaning back to think, "I guess... I guess I was scared to be open with you. In my own way, these tests I was giving you was my way of trying to please you, to show you the gifts I could provide. Courting is not something I've done in a serious sense. Seduction, sure, I'm a master at that, but romance? I'm a beginner."
"I've never had a real romance either," Rachel frowned, "that fling with my brother, I thought that was love, but it was you pulling the strings."
"Sorry about that." I said, lowering my head slightly.
"Don't worry about it." Rachel waved a dismissive hand, "It was puppy-love; Brian and I could never have been a thing."
"So," I said as I sipped from my cup of coffee, "we've got a whole day before the final test, what do you want to do?"
"Shit, I don't know. You're the queen of hell; what's fun down here?"
"Everything." I smiled, "This place is Vegas on steroids and a cocaine enema. Think of anything, literally anything, and we can do it."
"Cocaine..." Rachel smiled, "I've never done any kind of drug before."
"Boom," I said, and a mountain of cocaine the size of Everest appeared in the distance, "cocaine."
"Is coke the best drug?" Rachel asked, her eyes finally showing some excitement, "You know... for partying?"
"Well, there's ludes," I said, and a pill popped in front of each of us, "those are pretty fun; if by party, you mean drug-fueled sex."
"I do," Rachel smiled wickedly, "but our test isn't until tonight, so we'll need other people to fuck."
"People..." I scoffed, "Rachel, we're in hell; even the hottest human in this place is bottom of the rung. Do you watch hentai?"
"What's hentai?"
"Never mind." I said with a dismissive wave of my own, "How do you feel about tentacles?"
"Like, octopus tentacles?" Rachel asked, sticking her tongue out in disgust.
"Hey now," I smirked as I put the lude on my tongue, "don't knock it till you try it."