Fourth Vector

Chapter 35: Fatherhood

Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to my father, who passed away while I was writing Chapter 34. I struggled with how to outline this chapter for quite some time, but recent events quickly showed me the best possible theme.

This one is for you, Dad.

*****

It was only early evening and Jack was already getting frustrated. He tried not to let it show on his face just for Kat's benefit, but it was becoming increasingly harder to contain.

"It's all right," she said in a low voice. "You're doing great!"

Jack gave her a deadpan look that told her just how wrong she was. Before she could respond again, he looked down to see an upset baby wailing to get back to his mother. John's face was contorted into a look of pain as his cries managed to shake most of his body.

"Try to shift him in your arm," coached Kat. "Move him closer to you, but angle him so he's not flat on his back."

"I've been trying that," said Jack with some frustration. "I've put him in a few different positions and he still cries every time."

"Here, shift him lower." Kat closed the distance between them and shifted baby John lower on Jack's arm. For a split second, their child glimpsed a sight of his mother and stopped crying. Jack knew how this worked so he didn't get his hopes up that something had changed.

John always stopped crying when Kat took him in her arms but the second that she moved away, he would start again. There were some women within the group who he would sit nicely for, including Jack's sister, Vera, as well as Queen Ciara and Abigail, but that small group was limited to only women. Ever since John had demonstrated more awareness in his surroundings, he'd refused to let his father hold him for any length of time.

Sure enough, as soon as Kat walked away, John's lower lip started to tremble and fresh tears began anew.

Jack tried to hold in a sigh but it escaped his lips regardless. He let his head fall back against the headrest of the chair, feeling completely defeated.

It was hard not to feel that way. After all, he'd bested just about every foe he'd come across in the past year and a half. He'd defeated Swabian armies in Andalucia, Picardy, and Apulia, and that wasn't mentioning that action back in Java against the Occitanians.

So now why was it that a twelve pound baby could be the one to finally defeat him?

"This is getting hopeless, Kat," said Jack with another sigh. "He just won't sit with me no matter what we do."

Kat shook her head vehemently. "It's not you, Jack. He still cries for me plenty of times. We just need to figure out how you can hold him without reducing him to tears."

"I think we've tried just about everything, don't you think? No matter which way I hold him or which angle or balancing on one foot with the stars aligned, he doesn't want to sit." Jack was exaggerating but that's how it felt. They'd run through so many different holds that he was finally coming to the truth of the matter--his son didn't like him.

That thought stung, and it had a bad habit of making Jack feel entirely useless. He could lead a country and command a fleet but when it came to childcare, he was about as able as a dead man. Up until now, he'd not said those words out loud to Kat, knowing she'd find them upsetting, but he was ready to face the facts at this point.

"I'm going to give him back to you," said Jack as he offered John back to Kat. "I don't know what it is but he just doesn't like me. That's the only reason he won't sit with me. He hates me."

Kat gave him a shocked look and once more began to shake her head. "That's not it at all, Jack. How can you think that? He's just a baby that doesn't know any better. Half the time I think he only likes me because I give him food anyway." She grabbed her enlarged breast just for emphasis.

"He loves you because you're his mother who's nurtured him for his entire existence," said Jack. "I'm just the sperm donor who was absent most of the time he was in your womb. He doesn't know me and he doesn't like me."

Jack couldn't help but hang his head after uttering the words. In a way, it was relieving to get them out finally, words that had for so long bounced around his head. If he was being truthful, fatherhood was nothing like he'd expected. In his thoughts, he'd always pictured what it would look like but that never included the baby phase for some reason. He'd imagined playing around with a toddler or a young boy once they were old enough to hold their own.

Even though he never knew why he didn't picture this phase, it became obvious why his subconscious grazed over it--he felt useless at this stage. John still needed to be around Kat for every hour of the day. He couldn't even take his son away for a brief moment without him crying to get back to Kat.

So far, fatherhood was turning out quite differently than he'd pictured.

Unfortunately, his words had brought tears to Kat's eyes.

"It's not like that at all, Jack," she said with a sniffle as she rocked baby John. "He loves you but he's just a baby. He just needs some time to figure things out."

Jack spread his hands apart. "It already feels to me like he has it figured out. He just doesn't like me."

No matter how hard Kat protested, Jack still couldn't shake the feelings of uselessness that were now abundant internally. Especially when he saw how quickly John quieted down once he was suckling from Kat's breast.

"Maybe I'm just not cut out for fatherhood," said Jack finally. "Maybe I don't have that fatherly instinct. I was adopted and raised by someone who wasn't my father so maybe it runs in the family too. Perhaps my father thought the same thing when I was just a baby."

"Jack, that line of thinking won't do you any good. Nobody picks up a baby from the beginning and knows how to do everything. It's a learning experience. Every baby is different too. What works well for one will be terrible for another. We just have to keep trying."

Jack shook his head slightly. "I don't know how much longer I can take it if he keeps rejecting me, Kat. That isn't a pride thing at all. I just want to know that my son accepts me. That he recognizes it's his father holding him. I'm just not getting that."

Those last words left a significant lump in his throat. Despite Kat having the occasional setback, there was no doubt there was a bond between mother and child even after such a short time. John was never happier than when he was in his mother's arms, something that Jack noticed quite astutely whenever they were together.

However, it was something he couldn't say the same about. So far, he hadn't felt much of a bond with his son, and that part just killed him inside.

It was the ultimate expression of inadequacy.

"We'll keep trying," said Kat, putting on a brave face as John soon released her nipple and closed his eyes. He was asleep in a matter of minutes, resting peacefully beside her.

This is how things should be

, thought Jack as he watched them. Mother and child. It still didn't make him feel much better.

He stuck around until Kat deposited the now sleeping John into a small bassinet. Once the infant was comfortable, she moved to the other side of the room and put her arms around Jack.

"Don't stop believing in yourself," she said, her voice muffled by his chest. "I know this is really hard right now but we've faced down tougher enemies together."

"I'd almost rather face another Swabian army right now," muttered Jack. "At least I know they can be beaten."

"We'll get through this," Kat repeated, never slackening her grip on him.

Jack let out a sigh. "I just never expected it to be this way. I'd always pictured what it would be like to hold my child in my arms. Those pictures never included tears. I thought it would be a lot easier than this. Anymore, it just makes me want to give up."

Her head tilted toward his and her eyes locked on his face. "Don't even say that, Jack."

"I'm not going to give up, Kat. I just... I just want... I guess I just want some space right now."

It was the last words that Kat wanted to hear judging by the expression on her face but she understood. She wiped away her tears and nodded her head quickly, doing her best to be supportive.

"Whatever you need, babe," she said finally. "Just come back to us later, okay?"

Jack leaned in and kissed her forehead. "I will, but I just want some time to think, that's all. I'll be back before you go to bed."

No more words needed to be said. Kat's arms pulled away and she returned to her chair while Jack stepped outside the room.

Despite not wanting to talk about his failure as a father any longer, he still felt the need to talk to someone who might understand what he was going through. That's why he found himself walking down the street to the house that served Bill's family.

That street was just one of many in the small Apulian town that made up the headquarters of Jack's army. It was telling that this Apulian town was only a few miles west of Marmora. Ever since Jack had defeated the Swabian Army at the Battle of the Apulian Plane, he'd followed their retreat all the way back to the ancient Apulian capital city.

For now though, there was nowhere else for the Swabians to run. Their army was pinned down on a small peninsula near the city, with Jack's force cutting off any further line of retreat.

The last battle was finally at hand, and Jack expected that to happen within a few days.

For now though, his army was enjoying some of the comfort that came with having an urban headquarters, and that meant houses for all the major figures and real beds to sleep in. The Callands took a small house to call their own, providing enough rooms for both Bill and Lisa as well as Will and Lindsay.

However, as Jack approached the house, he heard the sound of raised voices coming from the rear of the house. He skipped the knock on the door and made his way along the garden path to the rear, where another scene of frustration was taking place.

This time, it was the elder Calland having an intense argument with his younger son, something that Jack hadn't borne witness to before.

"You didn't have to leave Galicia," argued Will, his hands on his hips and looking incredibly stern for a twenty-something young man. "That was the whole point of my mission, wasn't it? When you left, you lost every possession we had. Even if we do get back to Galicia, we'll be destitute!"

Not to be outdone, Bill Calland pointed his finger at his son. "What else would you have me do? Let Jack die? It was either that or our manor. Manors can be rebuilt, Will. People can't!"

"I'm just saying there were probably other options," shot back Will. "Think of all the things we'll have to replace. Someone could have stayed behind!"

"Will, you don't know what you're talking about," said Bill as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "It was always going to come to this whether we wanted it to or not."

Jack crept closer without announcing his presence. This was quite the change from the welcome homecoming that the elder man had thrown his son when they arrived in Apulia weeks ago. It wasn't entirely a surprise to hear though--Bill had mentioned before that his son was bullheaded and that trait led to them having their share of arguments.

It was something else entirely to witness it firsthand though.

"You made a selfish move for our family and that's the end of it," said Will as he threw his hands up and walked past his father. He opened the door to the house but before he could slam it, Bill had one more thing to say.

"Maybe when you have a family of your own someday, you'll understand why I did what I did!"

The next sound was the slamming of the door. Jack could hear Bill take a deep breath as he continued to mutter under his breath. At that moment, Jack sympathized with the man.

Of all people, Bill would know exactly what he was going through.

Without any fanfare, Jack decided to keep walking, emerging onto the back porch area and catching Bill's attention. The elder Calland's eyes went wide at seeing Jack, no doubt from equal amounts of surprise and embarrassment.

"Oh, Jack, you're here," said Bill as he reached behind him to scratch the back of his head. "When did you get here?"

Jack nodded toward the house. "Long enough ago to hear a few things being said. Is everything all right here?"

Bill blew air through his lips and sat down. "Just another evening at the Calland residence. My son seems to think he would make a better patriarch of the family than me."

Jack moved closer and sat down next to Bill. "It sounded a little heated. From what I gather, he wasn't happy that all of you left Galicia?"

Bill rolled his eyes. "Yes, that's exactly right. He thinks Eric Rosdahl will have confiscated all of our possessions by now. He thinks someone should have stayed to maintain what's left of the family's name and fortune. In doing so, I hate to imagine what would have become of you."

Jack hated to think of such things as well. He doubted he would be alive if not for Bill's intervention.

"It's fine though," said Bill with a dismissive wave. "He'll come around, I suppose. Or I will. It happens quite frequently with us. Sometimes I forget that my son is his own man now. He's a lot more combative than he was when he was a child."

"I suppose they have a tendency of growing up on us," said Jack.

"That they do," confirmed Bill. "But anyway, you didn't come this way to hear about my troubles. What brings you over?"

"Truthfully?" asked Jack. "I was having the same problems myself. I'm afraid my issues with my son are very similar to yours right now."

"Ah," said Bill with a knowing nod. "Tell me what you mean."

Jack spent the next fifteen minutes filling him in on his lack of progress with John. He spared no detail, including telling Bill about his thoughts on the matter and why it bothered him so much.

"I just feel like a failure," said Jack finally, near the end of his monologue. "Does it ever get easier?"

Bill cracked a grin and pointed toward the house. "Unfortunately, no. It only gets more complicated with time. One thing I enjoyed the most about his younger years was that he couldn't argue back with me. It's a nice time when they just do what you said without questioning it, a time that doesn't last forever."

"What was Will like as a baby? Did you have trouble bonding with him?"

"I don't know if I would say bonding per se," said Bill. "I always felt a bond with him, even when he was a baby. Although I will say that I played second fiddle to Lisa for quite a long time, similar to your problem."

Jack found himself nodding his head vehemently. "How did you deal with it? What worked for you? What changed it around?"

Bill shrugged. "Hell if I can remember from that long ago. I feel like it just changed one day but I'm not sure if I can pinpoint exactly when it did. It might just be when he was old enough that things just happened on their own."

Jack felt his shoulders slump forward. "That's hardly the answer I was hoping for."

Bill chuckled and put his hand on Jack's back. "I'm sorry, Jack. Unfortunately, they don't give you a manual on how to handle children when they arrive. Most of it is just trial and error. It tests your patience the majority of the time but it eventually gets easier. It just takes time before it does."

"I have to admit I've never felt more helpless in my life," said Jack.

Bill laughed at that one. "Why do you think we only had one? Lisa wanted more but I put my foot down on that one. One baby was tough enough but two? They probably would have killed me at the time. Looking back, I don't know if I was ready to be a father when Will arrived. I was pushing thirty, and Lisa and I had been together for several years so it seemed like the next step, but I'll admit I felt anything but prepared the moment he arrived."

"So how did you get through it? What helped you?"

Again, Bill shrugged. "Time, I suppose. It helps me now that Will is old enough to tell me when he's upset but when you're dealing with an infant, you're dealing with two weaknesses--they can't tell you why they're sad and you still don't know your child yet. Those two things will make it infinitely harder. You have to come to know your child, Jack. That doesn't happen overnight. It will only take time."

Jack let out a long sigh at the end of it. "I came here hoping that you would have another answer for me. Much the same way you've had answers for all my questions before. You always seem to know just the right thing to say."

"I'm sorry, my friend," said Bill, who managed to look genuinely upset. "But as you can see, fatherhood isn't something you learn one time and then you get it for the rest of your life. As you just heard with Will, there are things I still don't understand. It's something we have to work on constantly. Even when you think you have a good understanding, something will show you that you don't have any clue at all."

"It almost sounds like we just fumble through it forever," noted Jack. "Like there's never any mastery to it."

Bill started to nod. "That's a good way to put it. In the end, we just do the best we can. Motherhood comes easier to women. That bonding with a child is more intrinsic and intuitive than we give them credit for. Fatherhood is something that we make a conscious effort to do every day. Some days are worse than others but as long as you don't give up, there's hope for you at the very end."

Jack reflected on those words without giving a response. There would be no magic solution to the situation with John, but internally, he believed he always knew that would be the case. Every morning, he would have to keep trying, despite his frustration, to be the father that John needed. In the end, it still might not change anything with the boy but at least he tried.

Was there anything else that he could do?

"You know, for what it's worth, you don't have so much to worry about," said Bill finally after several minutes of silence. "You're here right now, Jack."

Jack blinked a few times. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you're here seeking answers on how to do better instead of walking away," said Bill. "That tells me everything I need to know about the kind of father you'll be. The best father is the one that tries, the one that makes the effort. You could be a great man but if you spend no time with your children, you won't be much of a father. Even so, the father that's always there but makes mistakes will still be the better father all around. It's being present that's the key, Jack."

Bill then relaxed deeper in his chair as his eyes rolled upward. "I remember there was a time when I almost left. I hate to even think of this memory, and I tried for so long to push it deep down inside, but I almost left Lisa one time. Not because of her but because of Will. I just couldn't cut it. I was in much the same position as you are right now, thinking I wasn't cut out for the responsibility. I remembered how my life used to be--so carefree and fun. Babies are neither and it really tested my patience."

"What did you do? What stopped you?" asked Jack.

Bill smiled fondly before pointing inside the house. "Will did. I was still half a mind to leave but I had to see the boy one last time before I left. I stopped in his room when he was still sleeping in his crib. All I wanted to do was take one last mental image of him sleeping. I used my finger to gently touch his arm and he used his whole hand to wrap around it. I still remember how it felt to see his tiny hand wrapped around my one finger."

Bill took a deep sigh before he continued. "I lost it there. I questioned who would look after him if I didn't? He was just so little and he needed a protector. That was me, Jack. I was his protector. If I left, no one else would be there to do it. So I stayed. I stayed and I never looked back. When he was a little older, I used to curse myself for ever getting to that point. I wondered how I could have even let it develop but I think every new father goes through that phase at some point."