Forever in the Underworld

I have not felt his feverish touch for a long time now. Although I try to banish the thought, I know he is caught in my destructive web. I hear him each night, wandering restlessly through the forest, calling my name. Begging me, pleading and cursing me. I hide out of sight, pining for his touch, but knowing my effect on his now so frail body.

My instincts tell me that I should approach him. Cautiously appear and let him see just a hint of me before retreating again. Make him succumb to desire and follow me. Cultivate his lust like a farmer grows his crops. Play his own feelings against him until he can think of nothing but my body and pleasure.

I curse my flesh and try to organize my own feelings. My body needs his caresses, and I find it hard to resist. How can I know if he really loves me? And how do I know if it is him that I love?

-----

After it became known that I had abandoned all thought of ever returning to my own people, some of the trolls began to treat me kindlier. There was still much harassment, but I began to feel that the coming physical change would have positive sides. Skuld was pleasant as always, but I could also sense that she looked at me with genuine affection and appreciation for leaving my old life behind for her sake.

In troll society, as it was when humans still practiced it, magic was considered a feminine art. Something chaotic, uncontrollable and dangerous, just as the female spirit. Like a river, with equal parts destruction and life. Respected and feared. There were no sorcerers, only sorceresses. As a female, Skuld had some knowledge of the magics of her people. She understood what was necessary and made all the arrangements for my upcoming change. The secrets were kept by a few of the oldest troll hags, but all girls and women had to some degree been familiarized with the basics. Everything depended upon different herbs and ingredients meant to stimulate the forces dwelling in all things surrounding us. She filled me in only on what I needed to know, but nothing more.

I would be given a brew to prepare my soul for the dying of my body and release unto a new vessel. As a stroke of irony, there was only one person who knew how to make such a drink. She was Burr's own mother, but Skuld assured me that everyone who was allowed intimate knowledge of troll magic held their secrets and integrity higher than anything else. To misuse the magic would mean to rebel against the forces of nature themselves. I had a hard time trusting her words. I was going to die and was more than uneasy at leaving my faith within Burr's sphere of influence.

When the chosen night came, Skuld led me from our home and through a series of corridors I was unfamiliar with. Through every intersection and crossing, I could see other trolls moving in the same direction. There were few big happenings in my new society. Clearly, this was something everybody wanted to witness. The birthing of a new prince.

The air slowly became colder and less damp. A slight tang of green accompanied the steady breeze, and I realized that we were on our way to the outside. My heart rejoiced as I saw a huge stone door, slowly swinging aside as we approached. Finally, after so many weeks in darkness, I was allowed to breathe fresh air once more. A pang of panic seized me as I remembered that this was only happening so I could become a troll. Breathing fresh air did not matter anymore. My life on the surface was over. But I tried to relish the moment.

All the dwellers of the underground kingdom were standing before us, circling a small lake bordered by a thick mat of moss and peat, stretching into the water on unsteady foundations. The blue-white moon was sending its cold beams towards us, covering everybody in a sheen that reminded me of the soft cover of newly fallen snow. The black chasm of water before me currently acted as a dancing stage for the elves, gliding effortlessly across the surface in a twirling, smoke-like dance, whispering barely audible, incoherent words and giggles with each other.

An old crone moved towards us and offered me a golden cup filled to the brim with a dark brown, smoking brew. I could smell the characteristic scent of wild onions and pine bark through a mixture of various other herbs and minerals. I had dreaded this moment ever since I decided to join Skuld's people. With tears in my eyes, I emptied the cup in one quivering motion, making sure to catch every last drop. Skuld watched me intently with her crystal clear, blue eyes, nearly overflowing with tears. My own eyes were like rivers, sending torrents onto the mossy ground.

Determined to get this over with, I followed my fiancée's instructions and leapt into the dark water. A quick gush of silvery bubbles rose to the surface as I emptied my lungs and felt my body slowly begin to sink into the blackness. The last thing I saw was Skuld's white dress sparkling in the moonlight as she slowly faded from view, replaced by the near-black murky water and fear.

I tried to release the pressure to my nose and sinuses, but nothing could be done about my emptied lungs. As my body began to scream for air, I panicked and felt my heart beating rapidly. I knew this was part of the change, but the pain and fear overwhelmed me and seized control. Lack of oxygen affected my mind and thoughts, and I began to wave my arms and try swimming upwards. I needed to reach the surface. This was the only thought in my head as I tried to ascend, but everything around me remained black. I was disoriented, and did not even know which way was up. I knew it was too late. Trying to scream through an empty chest, I slowly lost consciousness.

The next moment I remember was just like the previous. I was still deep in the lake, desperate for air. My empty lungs pulsed in competition with my heart, and my arms and feet flailed around me like wings, desperately fighting to swim higher and higher. Spots began to appear before my eyes, and I once again felt the dizziness overwhelm me and threaten to steal my composure. I was drowning once more. I blinked and blinked, but although most of the spots vanished, one of them stayed and slowly began to grow.

An irrational irritation replaced panic, and I became determined to get rid of the last of the spots. I wanted to die alone. With nothing around me but darkness. I focused the last remnants of my mind on this new task, and it became like an obsession. I could see it before me, just out of reach. I desperately tried to catch it and make it vanish, but all it did was expand. This seemingly meaningless task was the only thing that kept me from drowning, and just when I began to think that the whiteness would grow to engulf me completely, I broke the surface.

Dizziness overwhelmed me as fresh, cold, night air filled my lungs and rejuvenated every part of my aching body. My mind slowly cleared, and I realized that the white patch still remained. Skuld's white dress and milky face still shone like silver in the moonlight, and I knew she had saved me.

Heaving and panting, I scrambled up on the soft lake's edge. I lay there a few seconds trying to reinvent my sanity whilst a deafening silence surrounded me. Slowly I arose and took a few unsteady steps towards Skuld. I was about to embrace her when I suddenly heard a roaring sound of thunder from all directions. I looked around, and every one of the fairy folk were facing me and doing nothing to contain their amusement. Trolls rumbling, elves giggling, nymphs with their silvery laughter and snickering children of all types. The look of contentment and joy on Burr's ugly face told me that something was horribly wrong. He would never be joyed that I was alive. I looked down and saw the result of the change.

Long tufts of silvery white fibers fell into view as I bent my head. They touched the dark, sensitive tips of two round mounds protruding from my chest. Despite the obvious physical traits, the first thing that went through my mind was puzzlement as to my still humanly skin. I had feared that my new form would be covered in coarse grey or green hide, sparsely covered by hairs and warts. This skin was smooth and pale, reflecting the moonlight without the slightest hint of unevenness.

Slowly, just like when my vision cleared as I ascended the lake, I began to realize that the change had gone horribly wrong. Below the unmistakable female breasts was a slightly rounded belly, showing a hint of hair at the bottom, leading down towards the area where my genitals had once been. I did not dare bend further down to examine myself. Skuld was standing in front of me, staring in bewilderment, but not laughing like the others. That was the moment I knew I would always love her. The look on her face was that of confusion and anger, rather than amusement.

"Look what a fine troll he has become! This is only too fitting for the human maggot."

Burr's words were followed by another wave of laughter which seemed to spur him on in his successful attempt to ridicule me. Blood surged to my cheeks, and I felt embarrassed beyond words.

"At least he does not need to pretend being a man anymore."

The laughter increased to a roar that echoed back from the high cliffs above. I was about to talk back, but Skuld took my arm in a vice-like grip and gave me a harsh look of warning. I was a woman now, and women did not oppose men publicly. The rage that welled up inside me and threatened to hurl itself at Burr was immense. He was the one who had done me wrong. He was the reason the transformation had failed. Who was he to make fun of my situation? And he was going to get away with it! This had been his plan all along. This was worse than being human. No one would ever treat me with respect now. Least of all Skuld.

With her hand still on my arm, she lead me away through the crowd as she had done before. They parted before us, and I had a sense it was more due to fear of contagion than anything else. I followed her, immensely glad to remove myself from the center of attention.

-----

I decide that this has to be the last time. I cannot do this to him anymore. His hollow cheeks tell me that it has gone on for far too long. The once mighty arms that easily held me are nothing more than bone and tendons. The eyes that used to shine with affection and desire now remind me of the cracked surface of a dirt puddle in late summer.

Where he once followed my tale with fascination and attention, he can now only lie panting and listen as he slowly drifts into a shallow unconscience. I feel more alive and invigorated than I have in a long time, and my conscience is like a physical pain in my gut.

His unsteady breath is nothing like the soothing pulse that used to lull me to sleep beside him on the clear nights before. I do not feel like sleeping. My instincts tell me I should leave him here. I fight the desire to do so and spend the night watching over him like a wounded cub. Before day breaks, I am gone and know I will never see him again. Though my body feels stronger than ever, the pain in my soul is far greater. I have destroyed this man. Ruined his life for what? He can not repair the lacuna in my heart. No man will ever do.