Field Assignment Isolation Station

TIMEFIELD AGENT LOG

Agent: UV118XS

Codename: UltraViolet Timedream

MISSION: Isolation Station Field Assignment

[Entry #: 1337

Mission Date: fqq.042,1]

Man, these remote field training assignments sure do drag on sometimes. I haven't even seen another humanoid in over six of this planet's rotations, and that one was just passing by with a cargo carrier. Bastard didn't even stop when I stretched this lovely little leg of mine out on the side of the road and showed him my garter! Swine. Oh well.

Nothing new to report today. Still waiting to hear from the contact.

The Xoiklobpus (or, as us girl agents like to call it, "space-coke") plants I'm growing here for my cover are at 62 uGu tall, 31 pigment-blocks on the color scale, and healthy.

---

[#: 1342]

Still no activity. No contact from the contact.

It's getting really fucking boring out here.

I've been maintaining a physical fitness regimen and brushing up on my written Alienese to pass the time when I'm not working on my assignment or tending the crops.

Maybe someone will call. Maybe something will happen tomorrow. We'll see.

---

[#: 1349]

I'm so fucking tired of this. I can't stand it.

I haven't heard from HQ in 2 lunar cycles, and I'm starting to think the contact might have defected, been captured or is dead, because I test this communicator every day--it works--and it's stayed silent. I'm sexually frustrated out of my mind, and I haven't seen a glimpse of a single enemy out here, so I can't even pass the time with killing. This blows.

Hey, wait a second...

---

[#: 1350]

I've been working on figuring out how to extract the psychoactive components from the Xoiklobpus leaves to use to synthesize space-coke. This place is so remote, my logs don't even get transmitted to HQ regularly, so I can't access any of my databases. And silly me, I left my 28th edition printing of 'The Clandestine Manufacture of Xoiklobpus Powder, Xenomorphine, Basic Telekinetrics & other Useful Narcotics' back at base. I shouldn't have gotten so distracted fantasizing about my mind-blowingly hot professor during Chem class back in school, fucking shit.

---

{#: 1351}

I made the fucking space-blow

---

[#: 1352]

Fuck

---

[#: 1353]

I managed to get to sleep yesterday morning, using the som-pod on its highest setting and some Nyquil I'd smuggled in from Earth when I first came out here.

Got a cosmic-level hangover. Can't remember the last time I exercised or took my nutrient-rations. This dwelling unit is a mess. Ugh. Better get back to work.

On an unrelated note: HQ, when you get this, please send space-hookers to my coordinates. For... the mission.

---

[#: 1367]

I've been busying myself with a hobby project to find a use for the spent Xoiklobpus leaves that I'm left with post-extraction. Attempted conversion to raw material to use for soylent production has thus far failed. Drafting an idea for possible biofuel applications.

---

[#: 1374]

I got bored again and taught myself how to cook space-crack.

Yeah, whoops.

---

[#: 1375]

I need to head to the nearest outpost to get more Xoiklobpus starter plants from my guy. It's about a third of a day's drive from here. I don't have anything else to do, and I haven't even gone outside in two days, so I'm just going to head out now, even though night is falling soon. The heater's pretty good in my vehicle, and I like to look at the stars. I need to get out of this fucking shack anyway, it's starting to get creepy in here. Shit.

---

[#: 1376]

Man...

The drive over was a welcome change from sitting in that little unit for so long. The lack of new visual stimulation everyday was beginning to cause some mental decay.

Decay...

Anyway. So, I got to the outpost, and I decided to stop by the only store there to get some other supplies while I was waiting for my guy to show up (always gotta give those guys an extra couple of hours, they're so fucking stoned). I've been starved of contact with other lifeforms for too long, so, part of me was sort of desperately, secretly hoping to see at least one single other humanoid (and because going this long without sexual activity is highly deleterious to my health and well-being.)

I forgot, this decade already switched entirely to computerized, non-sentient retail systems. I didn't expect to feel so torn up by disappointment. This fucking sucks. No, don't think the words "fucking," or "suck." Ugh!

I want to punch something. Myself, maybe.

So, I wait in the vehicle, using the jug of coolant I just bought to do bicep curls.

Finally! My guy shows up. He's in some ridiculous pastel-blue and pink Hawaiian shirt get-up, looking like he's trying too hard for a sci-fi Fear and Loathing fucking thing. Still though, nice legs. Too fucking bad he doesn't swing my way (he and I have already tried, believe me.)

I got the plants (double this time) and he had a little something extra I've never seen before, said it was a moderate hallucinogenic with mild antipsychotic and sedative properties. Called it fucking 'moon cakes' or some stupid shit. Made sure to stock up on Njajna-root to help me sleep, and a little bit of Prometheusine (because, why not?)

Now I'm back on the lonely road, 2/3 of a blunt in my mouth, speedin' like a demon and bumpin' 1990's Earth rap at dangerously high decibel levels.

---

[#: 1377]

I'm about halfway back to the shitty shack now. I drove a bit off the main road and parked to take a nutrient-ration shot.

I'm taking my time returning. I dunno. There's nothing waiting for me there--or anywhere--nothing (and no one) to go back to. I guess that's part of why I'm here in the first place, or something.

I'm just rambling. Stupid shit.

Let's light up this last bit of blunt, blast this Mercyful Fate CD, and drown out my sorrows for awhile. Can you imagine how hard it was getting a fucking CD player out here? I'm gettin' my money's worth.

---

[#: 1385]

Shit. It's painfully boring being back here. I got the plants set up, but they're all too immature to do anything with for awhile. Back to waiting and watching the proverbial space-grass grow. Ugh.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. A deep depression has begun to set in. I'm used to isolation, but, I don't know, for some reason I guess I'm just having an extra hard time right now, Chief.

---

[#: 1398]

I do think the isolation is starting to get to me.

I've found that, with no one and nothing else around to anchor my attention in the present moment, that my mind is prone to wandering backwards down the dark labyrinths of memory, banging on all the most sinister-looking locked doors as it passes. The shadowy, monstrous things on the other sides of those doors, they're ravenous, starved, angry. I hear their snarling, beying and crying all through the day and night.

For nearly a month now, I've been waking up whether I want to or not most mornings at roughly 05:55 (as you know, I'm not a day-shift kind of agent.) It's like waking up into a half-nightmare, and though I occupy my body and go through my usual motions--rolling up my bedding, dressing, stretching, etc--I am not actually here. In my mind, I am a ghost, trapped still back in that torture chamber on Earth.

For hours, my feet pace back and forth in this little dwelling, but in my mind's eye, they are traversing that horrible subterranean hell. Pale, wide-eyed and silent, I glide past the blood on the floors and the walls, smelling the decay once again. God.

You never forget the smell.

I lose track of time, floating around in circles and figure 8's past the rotting flesh.

I hear the others scratching somewhere in the walls again.

I never found them.

...

God help us all.

...

I finished all the Nyquil.

---

[#: 1409]

Getting up in the mornings has become increasingly difficult. Each day, it takes longer and longer to get my mind out of those fucking memories and back into my body here in the present. Today, it was four hours.

I can't go on like this much longer. There's gotta be something I can do, but what? Contact with other life is not an option, there's no abandoning the mission, and suicide is (currently) too severe of a solution.

Hmm.

Well, I do remember, back on Earth, I had used psychedelic mushrooms successfully in the past when I was stranded alone to treat my own trauma, addiction, and grief. And I've got those 'moon cakes' (or whatever stupid druggie-name they're called.)

Yes; an experiment is in order.

---

[#: 1410]

I have readied the lab (shack) for my experiment. I closed the blinds, set up my bedding, put on color-changing mood lighting, and even pulled out some expired emergency candles (in a lovely safety-orange color) from the disaster kit. I've got actual food rations, water, valium, and vodka (all of which also came from the disaster kit) on stand-by. Also, an ancient-looking brick of weed I found sealed in the wall here yesterday in a shoebox with an old PLS-9 laser pistol and some vintage space-cash (nice.)

For my musical pairing, I have chosen a well-loved classic: Slayer's Reign in Blood album. Bet you were thinking I was gonna say, Dark Side of the Moon or some shit. Ha! :P

Swallowing 2umu of 'moon cakes', as per instructions from their purveyor. Waiting.

---

[#: 1411]

Well, it's been two hours. I'm into Show No Mercy now and nothing's happened.

Taking 3.5umu more, along with a vitamin-shot and some water.

---

[#: 1412]

Fuck this, did he give me some bunk shit, or am I just doing it wrong? Fucking dick. (I want to be--no!)

I'm gonna try crushing and insufflating this shit and see what happens. Hopefully I don't die. Here goes.

---

[#: 1413]

Fuck! That shit fucking burns! Holy hell.

I feel lightheaded and a little bonkers (--that's slang I don't use, huh.) Let's try smoking it and see what happens! I've got my space-crack pipe right here. Oh, there's still some residue on it, too. Sweet.

I dunno, I feel fucking funny! Like I just took a fat hit of DMT or something. My chest feels like it's compressing inwards into a different dimension!

Yahhhhhhhh

---

[////////]

Where am I? Everything is black.

I've been here before, a long time ago. But, it's hazy, like a deja-vu kind of feeling. Like a dream.

I don't remember who I am. I see a thousand different slices of a dream, each containing a different lifetime, like pages flipping in a book, but which one am I?

How about: all of the above, so get thee below.

--What?

A woman's voice--feminine, but deep and sultry. Dare I say, sexy.

And then I hear my own. It sounds so ugly, I can't stand to hear it. Like I'm talking with the wrong parts of my throat and chest. It's upsetting me.

A flash of scarlet. Then, I see her.

Soft, milky skin, luscious scarlet-painted lips, scarlet-tinted hair. A dress of the same color, clinging well to her fit yet feminine form, with diamond-shaped cut-out's in the sides, front and back, revealing more of that irresistible pale body. Flawless legs and big, beautiful breasts. Her feline, or perhaps foxlike, features hold smoldering sensuality and radiant beauty.

Seeing her makes me feel immediately insecure about myself. A suffocating jealousy overtakes me, I want to look like her, I want to be like her.

I hate her!

I want to be her.

I hate myself! I hate who I am. I hate this ugly, unlovable, overly masculine, sexually immature, stupid, disgusting little boy of a girl I am! I hate how ugly, outcast, and rejected I am! I hate how lonely and hardened and weird and repulsive and unlikeable and undesirable I am! I hate everything about me! I don't want to be me anymore.

I don't want to be this person ever again.

I think I'm crying. But, what are tears? I am surrounded by a deep indigo color.

Another flash of scarlet. She's on the move! A kunai blade flies through the smoky blackness and grazes my side, cutting through my boxy, ugly, plain black dress and nicking my pale skin. A thin strip of scarlet appears as the blood reaches the surface.

Then, from behind, another blade cuts open the back of my dress. She's so fast, I can't keep up with her.

I run and fly through the blackness, into the smoke and out onto the rooftop of a tall building, evading her attacks. I jump down the side and climb into an open window, snagging and ripping the other side of my dress as I go.

It's a public restroom. I go into the large handicapped stall at the very end. I'm distraught. I-I think that woman that I hate, that makes me so jealous, is *me*, and she's trying to kill me.

Another blade slices the front of my dress, leaving a diamond-shaped hole in it, revealing my chest.

I lock the door of the stall, and hanging from the inside of it on the coat hook is that scarlet dress. I turn around, and she's there, completely nude. I am terrified, completely overwhelmed.

She smiles at me. Sweetly.

I'm naked now, too.

"It's yours. Put it on."

Her voice is so beautiful.

I do.

I feel everything around me becomes soft and pink and swirls up to swallow me, and we all get smaller and smaller until it's reversed us both inside out. She has come inside, too.

I'm in a place beyond places, within a soft, glowing pink light, and I know that we are somehow inside me. She's there with me, we are in each other's arms.

I look into her eyes. They're so beautiful. She smiles again, and I kiss her.

Her mouth is so sweet, she tastes like Beauty. Her entire body is Softness, and I melt into her Grace.

I forgot what it was like to kiss a woman.

Every touch between the two of us, I feel simultaneously in both her body and my own. Is this what being with me feels like? It's divine.

She and I are merging, I don't know where I end and she begins.

We make heavenly love, swirling into each other. Her hands are so delicate, the suppleness of her skin on my own is exquisite.

I love her touch. I love her.

Her lovely little fingers thrill me, fill me, slide inside my softest space where they feel they're meant be, and it's unlike any other feeling I have ever felt before. My moans become soft, they merge with her own, and my voice becomes beautiful and soon sounds just like hers.

She rubs so expertly that spot along my inner wall that sends me into ecstasy, all the while filling my mouth with her soft, sweet tongue.

I love this feeling. I love being with her. I love her so much.

I love us.

I feel myself go over the edge, and our bodies glow with violet light, turning us purple.

With each orgasmic contraction, she gently pushes her fingers a little deeper, putting delicate pressure against that wonderful spot inside me. It's like my pleasure corkscrews, dimension-hops, twists, swells with her into a growing spiral of white space waters, and it picks us up like foam atop the waves returning back from shore. Beneath the surface of the ocean there within, we merge completely. In blissful love, she and I are one.

I love the woman I am. I love myself.

We are both sucked inside of ourselves, I become like a Klein bottle, and everything goes pink again.

I find myself in a feeling of utter softness and Femininity that feels Infinite and Eternal. There is a Woman there.

She is God.

And She is within me.

...

---

[]

I'm awake now.

The emergency candles have burned down to 3/4, so, looks like I was out for about 8 hours. The pipe I used to smoke the moon cakes broke, and it cut me on my chest and side. Something inside me feels, I don't know, clear.

I dunno.

...

Fuck it.

Sorry, HQ. I'm going home.