Drummer Boy - Bac Into Hell

Drummer Boy: Bat Out of Hell II: Back to Hell

I know what you're thinking: "That last chapter was pretty dope, more than enough to round out the year, but I just can't wait for the next installment!"

Hey, I feel the same way! And so, dear readers, here's your end-of-year bonus. If you've been wondering what's been happening on Earth, read on...

* * *

"That's really strange," Leanne said.

"You're tellin' me!" Jason said. "You have any idea what that thing was?"

Leanne shrugged. "Can't say for sure," she said. "Feral cambion. Magister's experiment. Maybe one o' the Wings playin' with your mind."

"You don't sound like you believe that," Jason said.

"There's another possibility..." Leanne said.

"I know. Demon booze," Jason said. "I thought of that too, but-"

"Did anyone else see this chick?" Leanne said.

"No, but-"

"And did you run into her after that?" Leanne said.

"No," Jason said. "But, come on..."

"Hey, I'm not trying to dismiss this," Leanne said, "but let's put it on the back burner for now. We got more immediate fish to fry."

"Fine," Jason said. "But if I ever see that lady again-"

"Hold up a tick," Leanne said, "we're about to get a visitor."

There was a soft knocking on the door. "Come on in," Leanne said.

Jason was damn near ecstatic to see Telly walk in. He wasn't so happy to see the intense look of concern on his face.

"Hey, Jason," Telly said. Then to Leanne, "Klarissa told me you wanted a rundown."

"Let's have it," Leanne said. "How're we doin'?"

"Lillian's been texting me from the hospital," Telly said. "Kristin's still in pretty bad shape, but they say she's stable."

"Cover story hold up?" Leanne asked.

"Yeah," Telly said. "Accident. Fell off a third story balcony."

"Oh god," Jason said.

Leanne squeezed Jason's hand reassuringly. "We'll make it right," she said. "How 'bout her highness next door?"

"Klarissa's keeping her steady," Telly said. "Says it's touch and go, though."

"I'll be in once I'm done here," Leanne said. "How about Pearl?"

"Same as before," Telly said. He shook his head. "That Cherry's a piece of work, huh?"

Leanne sighed. "Bit of a work in progress, that one," she said. "And what's up with the wonder twins?"

"Still at the apartment," Telly said. "They're keeping to themselves, but Arnie says they're peaced for now. They seem almost to like him, for some reason."

"That's my man," Leanne said, with a wry smile. "Speaking of men, how's Thumper holding up?"

"He's fine," Telly said. "Maybe a little too fine. He's been shuttling food back and forth, but hasn't bounced yet. I think he's got a lot on his mind."

"Lotta that goin' 'round," Leanne said.

There was a crash from the other side of the wall, and then a bunch of loud bangs.

"LIES!" came Granny's shouted voice. "Lies and lies upon more lies!"

"Looks like the scopie wore off," Leanne said. "Gimme a coupla minutes, honey. I gotta lay some bliss on 'Netta."

Leanne left the dressing room. Granny's shouting continued for a bit, and then quieted, and then stopped.

"Jesus," Telly said. "We're gonna laugh when this is all over, right?"

"I hope so," Jason said. "Not gonna be today, though. I really screwed the pooch, man."

"Beat yourself up later, dude," Telly said. "You just stepped in some big league bullshit and tracked it inside. Sooner we clean it up, the better."

"How the fuck are you taking this so well?" Jason said.

Telly shrugged. "Don't have much of a choice," he said. "I'm just tryin' to maintain. Today got off to shaky start, I'll tell you what."

"Yeah?" Jason said. "And how'd that go?"

"Well, it wasn't the 'morning after' experience I'd read about," Telly said.

* * *

When Telly woke up, he was spooning Lillian. His dick was wedged in the crack of her ass, and it felt just great. Warm and soft and molded around his dong.

Oh, I could get used to this,

he thought, feeling his cock stiffen to full hardness against Lillian's plump rear.

Lillian moaned contentedly. "Mmmm, good morning, sunshine," she said.

"Mmmm" Telly said to the back of her head. "Best morning ever." He nuzzled into the hair on the back of Lillian's neck and planted a kiss there. "Unless we wanna top it later."

"Hashtag relationship goals," Lillian said. She sighed at Telly's kiss and pressed against him some more.

Telly savored that feeling for a bit, with a big smile on his face. "Hey, what time it is?" he asked.

"A little after eight," Lillian said. "Why, you trying to kick me out? Got one of your other chippies coming over?"

"Relax, babe," Telly said. "I cancelled all my other appointments. For today, at least."

This earned Telly a gentle elbow to his gut.

"Kidding!" he said. "I just wanna get my dailies out of the way."

"You mean your daily login rewards?" Lillian said. "Seriously?"

"I've got a five-hundred day streak on Puzzle Quest," Telly said, "and if I forget-"

"God, you are such a nerd," Lillian said.

"Takes one to know one," Telly said.

"Hush, you," Lillian said. Then, "So ... you wanna do 'em together?"

"Oh my!" Telly said, "This is all so sudden! What would our parents think?"

"They'll come around," Lillian said. She flopped around to face him. "How about after we get our rewards outta the way," she said, a wicked smile on her face, "we reward ourselves for real?"

"Ooh, bonus content. I always like that," Telly said. He gave Lillian a quick peck on the forehead. "But I gotta pee first. Plus, I really wanna get rid of this morning breath."

"Go and freshen up, little daisy," Lillian said. "I saw some OJ in the fridge. Bring that back and I'll make it worth your while."

"Yup," Telly said. "Best morning ever."

He hopped out of the bed and went to the bathroom. He peed, washed his hands, and rinsed his mouth out with water. He didn't bother brushing, since it would just ruin the taste of the orange juice.

He went up the hallway and into the kitchen. Opened the fridge, grabbed the OJ and closed it again. He knew there were some bagels around, and was looking in the cabinet for them, when he heard the sound of shallow breathing.

Telly stopped moving. Cold prickles traveled up his back. The sound was coming from the living room. Slowly, he turned to look behind him.

There were two women on the living room floor. The big one, who had to be taller than Granny, was built like a bodybuilder, bulky muscles all over her legs and arms. She had a pair what looked like ram's horns attached to her head. She also had a deep gash in her midsection, and it was oozing blood. It was she who was doing the shallow breathing.

The other woman was normal human size. She was cradling the horned head of the bleeding woman in her lap.

Both women were red, naked, and staring right at him.

Telly stared back, holding the carton of orange juice, not knowing what to do. They held each other's eyes for what seemed like a really long time.

Lillian came up the hall. "Hey, babe, what's taking so long?" she said. "I'm really looking forward to that bon-"

Lillian looked at Telly, then to where Telly was looking, and then back at Telly.

"Telly?" Lillian said suspiciously, "I thought you canceled your other appointments?"

"I don't know what's going on here," Telly said, "but I think these are friends of Jason's."

"Wow," Lillian said, "I guess he

is

into cosplay."

"Hey Jason!" Telly called out. "Granny? Pearl?"

The normal-sized woman began speaking, in a language that sounded like a series of growls. She was angrily gesticulating at them with her free arm.

Lillian screwed her face up. "Your Klingon's rusty," she said to the speaker. "How 'bout you try that again? In English this time."

Lillian didn't have her glasses on, so Telly was pretty sure she couldn't see the wound and the blood, which both looked real enough to warrant some caution. He carefully set the carton of OJ down.

"I ... don't think they speak English," Telly said.

"Then who are they," Lillian said, "and what the fuck are they doing here?"

"I don't know," Telly said. "But I'm gonna call Jason."

He walked out of the kitchen, aiming toward the hallway to get his phone out his room. Before he could reach it, though, the smaller woman quickly but carefully set the other woman's head down and stood up.

She shouted a bunch of nonsense at Telly, which, though he didn't understand it, made him stop in his tracks.

"Aw look," Lillian said. "She got a cute widdle tail."

That got Telly's attention. The smaller one did indeed have a tail. It was long enough to drape on the ground, black at the tip, fading gradually to crimson as it joined with her body.

Granny's tales suddenly returned to Telly's mind. The imaginative details she'd put into those fantasies suddenly didn't seem all that made up. Especially about Wings, and Spines ... and Tails.

Telly saw the woman's tail twitch ever so slightly, of its own accord.

"Lillian," Telly said, "we have to get out of here. Now."

"Are you kidding me?" Lillian said. "It's your place!"

She took a few steps closer to the women. "Hey, scene's over," she said, and pointed at the door. "Everyone's OOC. Let it go."

The tailed woman growled something back. Unintelligible, but it sounded like she wasn't going anywhere.

"Lillian," Telly said. "We're in real trouble."

"I think you got it backwards, sport," Lillian said. She and the woman were face to face now. "I can handle discount HuniePop here."

The woman glared at Lillian, and Lillian glared right back. The woman shouted something at Lillian, and then raised her hand to slap her.

Lillian, quicker than Telly would have believed, grabbed the woman's wrist right out of the air, arresting the motion. Then with her other hand, she punched the woman right in the stomach. The tailed woman doubled over and backed up a step.

"Yeah," Lillian said, "try that shit with me again and I'll make it hurt. Now how about you take your skanky, naked asses out of here before things get-"

The woman's tail shot out. It wrapped twice around Lillian's midsection.

"What-!" was all Lillian had time to say, before the woman jerked her tail, unwrapping it quickly and taking Lillian along for the ride.

Lillian spun around, and was thrown into the wall. The back of her head smacked hard, and Lillian, dazed, slumped down.

Telly was right there, catching her under her arms before she hit the floor.

Telly looked up at the woman who, though cradling her gut, was staring down at them in obvious superiority.

Telly held up a hand in surrender. "Okay, okay," he said. "Whatever you want, just ... what do you want?"

The woman was about to speak again when a howl came from the Spine. The Tail got a look of concern on her face, and she rushed back to cradle her companion.

"Jesus fuck..." Lillian mumbled. She opened her eyes. "How'd she do that?"

"I think they're real," Telly said. "I think they're real demons and they're real dangerous."

"Bullshit," Lillian said. "That's just some sort of trick costume ... bull ... shit ..."

Lillian's words trailed off, as they both watched the Tail start chanting in her otherworldly language. Her eyes began to spark with green fire. The fire jumped across the air to her outstretched hand, bathing it in the same green fire. She then placed her fire-shrouded hand over the Spine's wound.

The Spine grunted, and then her breathing slowed. Her writhing subsided, and she closed her eyes. Not asleep, but quiescent.

The green sparks faded from the tailed woman's eyes. She let her shoulders slump. She suddenly looked supremely exhausted.

"What is going on?!" Lillian said.

"I don't know," Telly said. "But I think they need help."

"What?!" Lillian said. "You saw what she did! You just said they were dangerous, and now you wanna help 'em?"

"I know, I know," Telly said. "But look, we can't fight 'em. And I think they're only here 'cause they're in trouble."

"Still," Lillian said, "sounds like a fucking stupid idea."

"I think that's all we've got at the moment," Telly said. Then he had a sudden flash of insight.

"Stay here, okay?" Telly said. "I just got a

really

stupid idea."

Lillian pleaded at him with her eyes, but he released her from his embrace and stood up.

The Tail took notice immediately, but Telly put his hands up to show that they were empty.

"Look," he said. He figured they couldn't understand him, but he tried to sound reassuring anyway. "See? No weapons. No harm, okay?"

"Telly!" Lillian hissed. "What are you doing?"

Telly backed slowly into the kitchen. Just as slowly, he opened fridge door, grabbed a box of Land-O-Lakes, and let the door close on its own.

"Is that butter?" Lillian said. "I don't think the phrase 'butter 'em up' is supposed to be taken literally."

"Just trust me," Telly said. "God, I hope this works."

He very carefully emptied the three sticks of butter into his hand. The Tail monitored him, a wary, puzzled look on her face.

"It's food," he said to the Tail. He unwrapped the wax paper from one stick, put it on the coffee table, and laid the other two next to it.

The Tail eyed the butter, and then looked at him suspiciously. Telly sighed.

Not the breakfast I had in mind,

he thought. But in the interest of goodwill, he picked up the unwrapped stick of butter, and took a decent-sized bite out of it.

He let the Tail get a good look at him chewing, and the butter gradually melted in his mouth. He opened wide, to show the woman that he'd indeed swallowed.

The woman didn't seem completely convinced, but was willing to give it a shot. She reached out, grabbed the butter, and took a bite.

"See," Telly said. "It's good for you, right?"

The woman's eyes sparked again to flamey green life. She finished the stick of butter, and licked the remainder off of her fingers. Then she did the flaming hand trick again. This time, though, when she was done, the Spine's wound looked ever-so-slightly less severe.

The Tail growled a few syllables at Telly, indicating the butter on the table with her free hand. Telly nodded, and brought another stick just close enough for her to snatch it from him. She proceeded to unwrap and devour it.

"Great," Lillian said. "You made a friend."

"'Friend' might be a bit strong," Telly said. "How are you doing? Are you okay?"

"Just a bump. I've had worse," Lillian said. "Telly, what the hell is this?"

"I told you about Granny, right?" Telly said.

"Jason's MILFy friend?" Lillian said. "The crazy one you've got a thing for?"

Telly rolled his eyes. "It's not like that," he said.

"Oh, I'm not worried," Lillian said. "What about her?"

"I don't think she's crazy," Telly said. "I think she was telling the truth."

"And the truth is?" Lillian prompted.

"That those ladies are really demons from a hell dimension called Tarterus," Telly said, "and Granny and Pearl are from the same place, and they've been fucking him to get his semen."

Lillian mulled this bolus of crazy over for a second. "Okay," she said, "let's assume that's true. How did they get here?"

Telly shrugged. "Granny talked about portals between worlds," he said, "but she didn't mention any in the apartment."

Just then, a lens of blue flames opened up in the center of the living room.

"I stand corrected," Telly said. "Swear to god, this wasn't in the lease."

Telly, Lillian and the demon women stared at the portal. After a few seconds, a naked black man fell through it, after which the portal quickly irised shut.

"Oh my god," Lillian said. "Not another one!"

The man pushed himself up on his palms and groaned.

"Demons are always female," Telly said. "I think he's human."

"Not funny, Skye!" the man said. "What did you-" He shook his head, and then caught sight of the demon women.

"Fuck!" he said. "Fuck fuck fuck!" He was backing clumsily away from them, all while the Tail growled and shouted at him. In his blind panic he almost backed right into Telly and Lillian.

"Hey, dude, chill!" Telly said. "Just chill the fuck out!"

"Chill?!" the man said. He pointed at the Spine. "Do you know what the fuck that is? Do you know the sheer number of ways that it will fuck your shit up?"

"She's a Spine, and she's wounded," Telly said. "And her friend there is a Tail and she's not wounded, but she's

real

testy. I don't think they wanna fight, but let's not find out, okay?"

The Tail growled some more. The man looked from her to Telly and said, "Well, do you?"

"Do I what?" Telly said.

"Have more 'slippy food', like she said," the man said.

"You can understand her?" Lillian said.

"Yeah," the man said. "What, you can't?"

"No," Telly said. "Okay, we can work this. You, dude, you're gonna have to help me de-escalate."

"I don't think that's gonna be possible," the man said.

"Not with that attitude," Telly said. "And Lillian, I need you to do me a

huge

favor."

"Does it involve me going to the closest HEB and buying a shit-ton of butter?" Lillian said.

"You are the fucking best, babe," Telly said, and planted a big wet one right on her mouth.

* * *

"Jeez, Telly," Jason said. "You handled that like a boss."

"A boss who almost soiled himself in front of three strangers and his new girlfriend," Telly said.

"Still," Jason said. "Look, Telly, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about any of this."

"Eh," Telly said. "On one hand, yeah, you sure as hell should have said something. On t'other hand, it's not like I would have believed you."

"I just thought... I mean, I never imagined..." Jason said. "Look, I'mma say it again, I'm sorry."

"I'll worry about apologies when this finally shakes out," Telly said. "Right now, I'm most worried about Kristin."

"Yeah," Jason said. "Lillian's with her, right? How's she holding up?"

"Lillian's rolling with this pretty well," Telly said. "Although she

really

doesn't like Emmy."

"Emmy?" Jason said.

"The Tail," Telly said. "We had to make sure to keep them apart, 'cause I think Lillian wants a rematch."

"Dear god, no," Jason said. "That's the last thing we need."

"Well, fortunately for us," Telly said, "Emmy's made it clear that she and Roxy'll do anything to avoid going back to Tarterus."

Jason shook his head. "How are you already on a first-name basis with those two?"

"Thumper translated for us," Telly said. "He speaks Tail." Telly screwed up his face in thought. "Tailish? Tailese?"

"How's

that

even possible?" Jason said. "He didn't even know about demons before yesterday."

"Because that's his lineage," Leanne said. She had bustled in while Jason was talking, and now flumped down in the remaining chair in the dressing room. "His ancestor was a Tail, so he can understand the language."

"That can't be right," Telly said. "Individual languages don't have a genetic component."

"Not human languages, dearie," Leanne said. "Demon languages are different. Don't sweat it. You'll get the hang of it eventually."

"She said ominously," Telly said. "What's

that

supposed to mean?"

A warm smile broke through the weariness on Leanne's face. "We'll get there," she said, "but for now, I needya to bounce. I gotta talk to Jason some more, so hustle on, hustler."

Leanne made a shooing motion with her hands, and Telly took the hint. He clapped Jason on the shoulder, got up, and left the dressing room.

After the door had clicked shut, Leanne leaned back in her chair, closed her eyes, and sighed. "Lord, that woman really took it out of me," she said.

"What's wrong with her?" Jason said.

"Oh, just your run-of-the-mill existential crisis," Leanne said. "She'll come around, but these thing take time."

Jason sighed. "Everyone's fucked up," he said, "and it's all because of me."