12.
Back again, back again
, Samantha thought as she stood in the bathroom of her and Janet's apartment, still wearing her work attire, which consisted of a grey mini pencil skirt and cuffed white button down. Janet hadn't arrived yet, but she thought she might as well get started, even as she told herself it was a terrible idea to continue doing this.
After all, how much more of this constant strain could their friendship really take? The continuous cycle of tension and then reconciliation, despite never even having had any conflict in the first place. It felt like something was going to break, sooner or later.
Another month gone by. No news from Janet that anything had resulted from their last... encounter. The same period of waiting and getting together while not asking any uncomfortable questions, pretending nothing completely insane had happened at all, not talking about what was on both of their minds. Samantha questioned herself, whether she was disappointed or relieved and found she truly didn't know. And now it was time to try it again.
It had been a very long month for Samantha. There was no denying to herself now that she
wanted
to take the pill again. Wanted to feel it all again. She'd been masturbating a lot more frequently, and fantasizing. Instead of fingers plunging in and out of herself, she'd found herself wishing, longing that they were wrapped around a thick shaft instead. And that invariably led to thinking about the last time...
Never again. Never again
The refrain had played in her head over and over again this past month. Anytime her mind wandered back to that moment, she was ready to chastise herself for it,
never again
. But as the month passed, her mind replayed the moment more and more, and the refrain, while coming automatically, seemed to mean less and less...
So, while her rational, reasoning mind knew it was a bad idea to keep doing this, a baser part of herself did not want to stop. Incredibly, Janet appeared somehow surprisingly unaffected. Meeting up in person for the first time after, she had been unexpectedly casual and upbeat, and if their experience had bothered her, then she played it off exceptionally well in the following weeks. The night before, she had asked if they could try again today with such a carefree manner that Samantha almost began to wonder if she'd psychologically repressed the previous episode or something.
Maybe she herself was making it all out to be a bigger deal than it was, and they could just continue on with the original plan until it worked. This would continue to be the new normal for a few months more, and then it would be over -- the craziest best friend bonding experience ever.
Samantha reached out to pick up the T&C pills with that encouraging thought when a knock came at the bathroom door.
"Samantha?" Janet must have come back to the apartment without her hearing it. "Are you in there?"
Her breath caught in her throat as she opened the door.
Janet was standing there, also still dressed in her own work outfit, a fashionable dark blue dress, holding a glass of wine and a very somber, determined expression. Despite her grave demeanor, Samantha couldn't help but think of how beautiful her friend looked just then. Janet's brunette hair, sleek and straight, fell part way across her face, contrasting against her blue eyes, wide and luminous.
"Janet, what..?" Her roommate held a hand up, hushing her.
Wordlessly, she took the pack of pills out of Samantha's hands.
"I'm so sorry for everything, Samantha," she said quietly, looking down at the blister pack of little pastel blue and pink pills, before raising her eyes back to Samantha's. "I've been thinking about it all month. I know I've been so selfish. I've been totally messing up your life.
"I've been screwing up our friendship and the guilt is killing me. I've been wracking my brains, trying to think of how I could show you how sorry I am..."
She drew closer, never taking her eyes off of Samantha's.
"Janet, wait a minute... What're you... I don't know what you think, but..."
"We're not going to do
that
again, Sam," Janet interrupted, soothingly. "What happened last time was going too far. I know that. I don't want you to be upset about that, to worry about that, and I know you must have been..."
"Oh, ok. I'm so glad to hear you say that, Jan," Samantha exhaled in relief, even as her breathing quickened. "I'm so sorry about that, I was so worried about what you thought. I was so ashamed of myself..."
"Don't, Samantha, don't," Janet whispered and now their faces were only inches apart. Their lips inches apart. Samantha couldn't figure out the expression on her roommate's face; it was some blend of tortured angst and... something else. "I can't stand that you would think that about yourself. Not when I've... I'm such a..."
Janet trailed off before starting again.
"You've done so much. This is all my fault... I just... I just feel so bad about all of this. I have to thank you, and this is all I could think of... You deserve this..."
Samantha was suddenly trembling, heart pounding.
"'Deserve'", she repeated. "Deserve what..?"
"This... this is all I could think of."
Janet pushed a blue pill out of the package in her hands, then reached up, gently pressing it between Samantha's full lips, followed by the wine glass. Samantha was too surprised to do more than automatically take a sip and swallow the pill down before she finally found her voice.
