Donor -

1.

"How is this even possible?!" Janet swiped furiously at the tears running down her face as she yelled into the phone. Why was she even crying? She wasn't sad -- she was fucking furious. "How could

he

dump

me

?!"

"Oh honey, I know... Why don't I come back to the apartment so we can talk about it," Samantha soothed on the other end of the line.

"Four years!

Four years

I wasted on that immature, ridiculous man-boy and

he

dumps

me

!"

"Tommy's an idiot... he's going to totally regret it once he realizes what he's giving up..."

"Ugh, please, no hackneyed platitudes right now," Janet fumed.

Her roommate was unaffronted; they were much closer than that. "I mean it, Jan. You'll find someone way better."

"How?!" Janet countered crossly. "I'm not a blonde bombshell like you, with guys falling all over me everywhere I go..."

"Oh, stop that..! You're gorgeous and you know it, so just quit it. Now, I'm coming over. Just wait for me and we'll make some margaritas."

"Oh, don't bother," Janet groaned, the angry energy suddenly evaporating, leaving her deflated. "I just want to be alone right now anyway..."

"Janet, come on. Don't be depressed. It's fine. You couldn't stand Tommy anyway.

I

couldn't stand Tommy.

Michael

couldn't stand Tommy. Now, you're free to finally find someone who's not a complete D-bag."

"Yea, but how long will that

take

?" Janet burst out, agonized. There it was, what was really at the heart of her forlorn despondency.

Time

. Inexorably marching forward. Already, she was doing all of the life-planning arithmetic in her head: who knew how long to find someone who was at least possibly compatible, dating a year or two to figure out if that was even true or not, before hopefully being engaged for a year, trying for kids after a year or two, being pregnant for the better part of a year...

Janet had always wanted to settle down and live the cliche American dream -- start a family somewhere out in the burbs, a house with a white picket fence, a big golden retriever in the yard, a minivan in the driveway... And here she was, post-thirty five, newly single, renting an apartment in the city, and it was hard to see how, even if her life somehow reversed course and went perfectly from here on, that she could possibly crank out a kid before she turned

forty

.

She unloaded it all on her roommate, all of her genuine life concerns and fears, how it was about so much more than just breaking up with some stupid guy.

"And you'll be getting married soon and moving out too, and on top of everything, I'll have to find a new roommate," Janet sniffled miserably. "At least you'll get to live the kind of life I can only dream of..."

"Ok, ok, stop being so dramatic. I'm coming over."

***

The pitcher was nearly empty, just dregs and soggy limes sitting at the bottom. Samantha and Janet were lying on the L-shaped couch, head to head, empty take-out containers, snot-filled tissues and candy wrappers surrounding them. The credits of a barely watching rom-com rolling on the television. A real pity party. Full scale wallowing.

"I just don't know how this

happened

to me," Janet sighed, though there was an element of monotony in having repeated it countlessly over the past hours. Most of the emotion had been spent and now there was simply more of a numb, somewhat buzzed depression. "Ten years ago, did you ever think I'd be here?"

"I know, I know," Samantha replied absently, also drained from giving the same repetitive assurances.

"Seriously, though," Janet cut in, sitting up abruptly, ignoring the room spinning as a result of her intoxicated state. "I was

never

in a relationship just for fun. I was always

so

careful about not wasting time..."

"Well," her roommate replied, sitting up rather groggily. "Maybe that's the problem..."

"What do you mean..?!"

"Well, you've always been serious. Guys... especially guys in their 20s... They get scared off by that."

"Ugh, Samantha, come on..!" Janet sat there smoldering, but her roommate wasn't intimidated into retracting the statement. Over the years, they'd had their share of arguments and a few all out explosive fights, but none of those occasions could diminish the strength of their friendship. The two roommates never simply paid lip service to each other or avoided ugly truths.

"Look, even in college you were on the prowl for a 'worthy partner' to settle down with. Even as dumb as guys are, they can sense that. And at some point, it doesn't seem like it even matters to you which guy it is, as long he ticks off all the boxes. There has to be more to it than that."

"See, that's where you're wrong," Janet retorted, getting fired up again. "You can't go date every man in the world and wait to come across Prince Charming. It's like a rocket launch -- you have a limited window, and you have to find the best fit before the window closes. It's as simple as that.

"You miss the window, the launch is scrubbed, and then you become an old maid and die. The end."

"There you go, being a hopeless romantic again," Samantha commented wryly. She picked up her salt-rimmed glass and downed the ice-melted watery remnants.

"Just because

you

happened to find Mr. Good-Enough within your launch window doesn't mean I'm wrong," Janet sniped bitterly.

"Hey, now!" her roommate admonished. "Don't hold it against me that I'm in a happy relationship. That's not fair."

Janet sat in rebuked silence for a few moments before eventually conceding. "...You're right."

"Hmph. Always am, and don't you forget it..."

It was another hallmark of their friendship, that either could admit they were wrong, and neither would hold it over the other.

"Maybe," Janet posited, changing tacks. "Maybe I'm just going about all of it the wrong way. All this stress, all the pressure against the clock -- it all stems from my biological expiration date. I just need to have a baby, get it out the way. Screw men."

"Literally?" Samantha asked, cocking an immaculate eyebrow. "'Cause that's what you'd have to do to make that happen..."

"Look, I'm not saying I'd go bang some random and get knocked up. I could, like... get a sperm donor or something..."

"Jeez, Janet..! You've been broken up with that idiot for, like,

one day

and now you're talking about sperm donors..?!

"Just give it a little time. I know the right person is out there for you, and it'll all work out. Whether you believe it or not, your

soulmate

is out there, Janet..!" Her roommate's blue eyes went comically wide as she made a pucker kissy face at her.

Janet let out a begrudging, half-annoyed laugh, before sighing deeply. "If ever anyone was my soulmate, it's you, Sam...

"If only there was a guy out there somewhere who was just like you..."

Samantha yawned, lazily stretching. "Oh, dream on... They broke the mold..."

Janet reached out for the pitcher, eyeing the meager remainder at the bottom and setting it down again, before reaching for the tequila bottle, pouring it straight into her glass. "They really did, didn't they," she murmured quietly to herself.

"Hmmm?"

She didn't answer, pouring a good amount in Samantha's glass as well before she could react. "Ugh, no, Janet!" she exclaimed, belatedly covering the top of her glass as she yanked it away. "You know I don't drink tequila straight, not since --"

"Spring break," Janet chimed in, the two of them saying it in unison.

"Fifteen years ago," she added, rolling her eyes. "Time to let that one go..."

She clinked her glass with Samantha's, who picked it up, wrinkling her nose. "Ugh."

They both downed the shots, wincing and grabbing limes. "Thanks for reminding me why I never do that anymore."

Janet didn't respond immediately as she sucked on her lime thoughtfully. "Do you...

"Do you ever think about it, Sam? That spring break?"

"Janet," Samantha spoke warningly. Spring Break, junior year... however close they were, the one subject that the two did

not

ever speak about was in danger of being broached.

"I'm sorry. I know you don't like to talk about it. Or remember that it even happened. But I do... I do think about it sometimes..."

Samantha stood up from the couch swiftly, wobbling a little in her inebriation. She began abruptly cleaning up, stuffing garbage into the empty take out containers. "You're in a really emotional place right now, Janet. I don't think bringing up the past is helpful right now..."

"It's not because of the breakup, Sam. I've thought about it plenty of times before now, it's not just because--"

But her roommate didn't give her the chance to finish, clearing the living room table and bringing everything over to the kitchen. Janet sat there on the couch, listening to Samantha move about in the other room, tidying up, the glassware clinking as it was deposited into the sink, the thump of the trash as it was dumped into the bin.

At last, Samantha returned and, after a slight hesitation, sat down right next to her on the couch. She put her arms around Janet, hugging her hard.

"I love you, Janet. I'm so sorry you're having such a terrible time. But everything's going to be alright. Ok?

"Do you believe me?"

She pulled back, holding Janet by the shoulders at arms' length, staring intently, locking eyes. Janet gazed back at her roommate's pretty features before sighing again.

"Yea, Sam. I do. I believe you."

"Good." She reached over and gave Janet another affectionate hug.

Shortly thereafter, Samantha left to spend the night at Michael's. Later, Janet would think about how effectively her friend had side-stepped the conversation. But right then, as drunk and emotionally wrung out as she was, Janet simply fell asleep on the couch.