Do I Fuc a Foxy Lady?

It has always been my fantasy for a foxy lady to say to me "If you want to impregnate me you must ask my husband's permission and you'd have to fuck me with him watching." I had the chance to make my fantasy come true on a 4 day cruise trip to Rotterdam.

ON MY OWN

I went out by myself to see 2 of the best Rotterdam sites. My wife, Jane, went to the Maritime Museum. When you are there for a day and a half you have to make choices on what to see and what you have to miss out on.

WHERE AM I?

I woke up to find myself bound with my hands in front of me and at my feet. I was on top of a proper bed and buck naked. I didn't know how I got here (or even where "here" was). I supposed I was still in Rotterdam. I supposed it was morning because I usually wake up then. I also felt like I had a hangover, but I didn't feel nauseous. But I now 3 years sober. Thankfully those days of heavy drinking are over. Hopefully they never will return.

Since sobriety, I now have remarried. My first wife left because of my alcohol addiction. I can't blame her. I met my current wife and we got along well. The big step was telling Jane "I am an alcoholic. I rely on the support of Alcoholics Anonymous."

Jane was only a social drinker but she gave up alcohol totally. I am now a good husband, with a steady if not particularly well paid care assistant job. I have hopes of getting to be a Senior Care Assistant which is only one step below being a Nurse.

Whatever time it was and wherever I was it was totally dark. I feared that they may have hurt my manhood. I thought that it was funny that was my main concern. I was heartened that I had no injuries of any kind.

LIKE A ZOO

There was an unpleasant musky and skunky odour. It reminded me of the smell of a zoo. I cheered myself up by trying to compose a poem

"Zoo poo smells because, unlike lucky old you,

They have no place to flush away their number 2"

Concentrating on the poetry helped me to stay calm. I needed to figure out what was going on. I heard almost continual noises coming from above me. It was the sound of motor cars. Then I then heard (beneath that the sound of the road) a metro train speeding towards who knows where.

So I was underneath a metro system, and hopefully under the Rotterdam metro system. I heard some sounds from what seemed like 50 yards away. So I was probably in a tunnel underneath another tunnel and over both tunnels was a road. And I knew that I was not alone.

I wished I had gone with my wife to the Maritime Museum.

MEMORIES

The last thing I remembered was being alone in Het park. I had just seen the formal English garden and I was walking towards the Euromast tower. I recalled being on a footpath that goes through woodland. Try as hard as I could, I couldn't remember anything after that.

(Editorial note - Het Park is one of the most well-known parks in Rotterdam. It was created in 19th century English landscape style by acclaimed garden architects Zocher. It had many sculptures (including a particularly fine one of Toller, who wrote the words to the Dutch national anthem).

ARE THE NATIVES FRIENDLY?

From my lack of any injuries I speculated that I was drugged by person or person's unknown for an unknown reason or reasons.

I then heard the sound of 2 people. The sound came from the opposite direction from the sounds I previously heard. This was further evidence that I was in a tunnel.

MUSIC ADAPTED

I hoped the people might be friendly. Perhaps they were workers in the tunnel and would release me. I adapted the old song "Please release me" to read

"Please release me, let me go.

For I hate this fucking smelly hole.

And I want to be back on my cruise

And take my fill of the pre-paid booze".

Not, of course, that I had signed up for the Alcohol package. Jane and I had signed up for the non-alcohol pre-paid version. But poetry isn't necessarily truthful, though it should appear to be true.

I was quite pleased with my poem. It wasn't Shakespeare but it wasn't McGonagall either.

(Editorial note - William Topaz McGonagall is noted as being an extremely bad Scottish poet. His poems are widely regarded as some of the worst in English literature. The chief criticisms are that he was deaf to poetic metaphor and unable to scan correctly. His only understanding of poetry was that it needed to rhyme.

One of his admirers told him "Shakespeare never wrote anything like this" which should be on his gravestone.

One example of McGonagall's work is

Good people of Dundee, your voices raise,

And to Miss Baxter give great praise;

Rejoice and sing and dance with glee,

Because she has founded a college in Bonnie Dundee".)

TRAVEL INSURANCE

Perhaps I had been taken prisoner by some extremist group and would be held for ransom. I had travel insurance, but did it cover being kidnapped? Its funny the odd things that come into your mind when you are under stress.

ADVICE ON BEING KIDNAPPED.

I recalled that many years ago a senior Church of England official had been kidnapped and held prisoner for many years. I remembered him saying "At all costs I had to keep friendly with my captors."

So I had an instruction of how to treat my captors, with respect and friendship and by being cooperative. This went against my natural desire to want to kill the bastards.

(Editorial note Chris was thinking of Anglican Church envoy Terry Waite who endured more than four years of captivity in Lebanon. He was freed, along with American educator Thomas M. Sutherland, after intense negotiations by the United Nations).

Surely by now, my wife must be worried about me. It would only be a matter of time before the police got involved. Then I would be found and released.

DISCOUNTING THE WORST

You know that I am alive because I am writing this. I am also in robust health. But of course, trapped in the dark anyone would fear the worst. It's only human to do this, even if it is only someone being in complete darkness.

INNATE FEAR OF DARKNESS

I will give you one example of our fear of darkness. On Thursday nights the country pub in the next village has a "2 for 1" steak night. A night out for under £30 for 2 people is a great offer.

Jane and I walk there by a footpath over the flood plain. There is no problem walking to the pub as it is daylight. On the way back it is complete darkness, and we have to use our mobile phones to see the footpath. My wife and I are both on edge taking the footpath back. The half mile seems much longer.

MY DARK DAYS

Thinking about those steak nights brings back memories of going there with Liz (my first wife). We went to drink alcohol and not for food. My drinking was getting out of control, but I didn't yet recognise that I was an alcoholic.

Now, Jane and I are the only couple that doesn't have beer or wine with the steak meal.

BANNED

The landlord knows about my dark days. He often refused to serve me, and one time, after I had a shouting match with my then wife, he barred me from his pub. I tried to go back a week later.

The pub landlord said "You are drunk and you are barred and, if you don't leave straight away then I will call the police."

I saw the customers looking up at me. I was drunk but I didn't leave. The police came and realised that I had driven to the pub. I failed the breathalyser test. They then arrested me.

All the pub customers knew what was happening. That made it worse, since my mates were in the pub.

SOBERING UP

As I sobered up in the police cells, I realised the seriousness of the drink-driving would be. My job relied on me having a driving licence. Also, I might have killed someone. I had to admit that my drinking was out of control.

When I got the ban I lost my job.

"MY NAME IS CHRIS AND I AM AN ALCOHOLIC"

In retrospect that night was a good thing. I found out that most of those drinking buddies were only "fair weather friends". Only 2 of them stayed friends with me.

THE SOLICITOR'S LETTER

Losing my job also put a strain on my marriage. One day the inevitable happened. I returned to an empty house with a solicitor's letter telling me that Liz wanted a divorce. If agreed that the marriage had irretrievably broken down then the divorce would be simple. If I did not then Liz would petition on the grounds of emotional cruelty.

They then listed a lot of times we had shouting matches. Seeing these in black and white shocked me. I was worried that the world and his dog would know. So I signed the declaration that our marriage had irretrievably broken down.

MY FIRST AA MEETING

That was when I went to my first AA meeting. Where I first stood up and said "My name is Chris and I am an alcoholic."

I'M NOT TO BE A STAR IN A SNUFF MOVIE

With the caveat that I am alive and well, I have to say that, for a few minutes, I thought that I might just be a random victim that they intended to torture and then kill. I thought of "snuff movies". I knew that this was an extremely rare occurrence, and therefore extremely unlikely to be why I was here.

I had no injuries, not even to my beloved manhood. Relatively speaking, the captors had treated me well, using no undue force on me.

Having discounted this being a set up for a "snuff" movie I felt stronger. I was less agitated.

I had to stay positive. I tried enlarging the poem

"And after your shit is flushed away

The animal's work will just stay

Until the keeper..."

But I couldn't find the words to continue. I tried remembering the original ditty but couldn't. I was quite pleased by the "And after your shit is flushed away" line.

HAIL POETRY

I thought of G&S's song "Hail poetry". It contains the line"For what is life without a touch of poetry in it?" I bet they never considered that poetry would help someone trapped in a Rotterdam tunnel.

(Editorial note - The "G&S" are Arthur Sullivan (music) and W. S. Gilbert, libretto.)

I had been in the school production of Mikado and had auditioned for the part of Nanki-Poo.

(Editorial note - The Mikado is internationally successful and is especially popular with amateur and school productions. It is one of the most frequently played musical theatre pieces in history).

A WANDERING MINSTREL

I went back to singing a song from the Mikado instead.

Me "Come gather round me and I'll tell you.

A wondering minstrel I"

NAY TO NAY SAYERS

I read that in America, The Mikado has been criticised for promoting stereotypes of East Asians. Perhaps the nay sayers haven't seen it. Gilbert's lyrics critiques the then popular misconceptions.

In the "Gentlemen of Japan" number the Chorus sings

"If you think we are made of strings, like some Japanese marionette

You don't understand these thing, it is simply court etiquette."

and later

"If that's what you think we are you are wrong."

But hey, nay sayers will bray their nays. It is their right. I just think, along with Gilbert, it is "better to understand these things".

AFTER BEING DIVORCED

In the period following Liz divorcing me I did join in the nearest city's Gilbert and Sullivan society. But my voice wasn't good enough (probably because of past heavy drinking). So I got a non speaking part (as the guard to Mikado). I had a bit of "business" where I stop someone approaching thr Mikado. It is quite funny, and gets a laugh.

That was where I met Jane. I fancied her and she fancied me. We went out on our first date in the "move in" to the City Hall.

ROMANCE BEGINS

The "move in" is a weekend where the professionals set up the lights and sound. We amateurs bring in the scenery and have a technical rehearsal, which is mainly for lights and sound and for scene changers. It is magical.

I asked Jane if she wanted to go for a burger during the evening break. She accepted. She learned that I had to travel from my town and asked if I wanted to use her spare room. I accepted without a second thought.

Then on the Sunday afternoon the orchestra came in and practised. They are all semi-professional and the Music rehearsal only took 2 hours. It gave the lead singers their first chance to get used to the orchestra (we rehearsed to a piano).

On Sunday night came the biggest thrill. The dress rehearsal. We have (as far as possible) a straight run of the piece. By now Jane and I were holding hands and stealing kisses.

I shared her bed after the opening night.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

Now my beloved Jane would be on board a cruise ship, wondering what had happened to me. Perhaps she feared that I had fallen off the wagon and was in some drinking den. I was now ravenously hungry and thirsty, while Jane would be able to have waiter service for her breakfast.

Now I had to wait to find out why I am here and not with Jane.