Devilla
With our food consumed and our belongings packed, travel resumed without issue. Indeed, the only real difference between today and yesterday was the fact that Lucy had found an alternative to holding my hand. Namely, clutching my arm against her armored chest. The better to support me, she said, since I still insisted on wearing heels, no matter how bumpy the road before us became.
It actually did help, to be honest. With her acting as a stabilizing pillar, I could suddenly afford to spare much less attention to the cluttered path ahead of me. A good thing, by all accounts... or at least it should have been. Unfortunately, an idle mind was wont to wander, and in my case it wandered directly over to my fast approaching meeting with Nivera.
I was... scared. Frightened of how she might react to me. Abigail was insistent that Nivera thought fondly of me, but I couldn't understand how that could possibly be. Not when I'd ruined her family dynamic by firing her dam and plunging Nivera herself into despair. All because I was so desperate to keep her as a friend...
I could still remember the hatred in her eyes when she looked at me that day. The vitriol with which she had cut off her relationship to me. How she'd called me selfish, a brat who only cared for herself... Would she do it again? As ridiculous as it sounded, a part of me feared that this was all just an elaborate set-up for her to take revenge...
Still, I
wanted
to believe she'd forgiven me. I wanted to think that there was a chance of us becoming friends again. That I could reclaim what I had lost. It was an idiotic desire. A selfish wish that flew contrary to everything I knew, yet I still wanted to believe so, so desperately.
She was the only friend I'd ever had, after all, not counting the recent additions of Abigail and Lucy. The only person who'd ever truly cared about me. The only one who played with me as an equal, not letting me win every game we played. Who'd argued with me, not caring about my station. Who'd
fought
for me, growing angry on my behalf when I complained about the trivial issues in my life.
...I suppose there were others, if you counted my life as Jacob, but I wasn't sure if I should. Those friendships felt
different
somehow. Flatter... or perhaps static would be the better word for it. Frozen in time. I had feelings of affection for all those who had befriended me, as Jacob. Alice in particular had been like a sister to me. Those familial feelings for her hadn't changed with my rebirth - I felt exactly the same towards her today as I did the day Jacob died.
Which was exactly the problem. Where was the bittersweet feeling of loss? The sadness over never being able to see her again? Why didn't I
miss
her? And not just her... Everyone. Even the family who'd raised me. I felt more anger and despair about the mother I'd never known than the parents who'd been with me for an entire lifetime. Even thinking about my dam, who I knew literally nothing about, brought me a twinge of 'what if' - but Jacob's parents evoked none of that.
Perhaps it came back to how my memories worked. How my brain differed from a mortal. Jacob remembered loving his family. He remembered spending time with Alice. Playing games with her, and chatting about shared interests. Yet when I reached for the specific memories that made up those feelings, the little moments that allowed for such happiness... there was nothing. Vague recollections, at most. The knowledge that we'd done things, over the events themselves.
It made me wonder - how much of me was really Jacob? How much of him survived? Initially, it felt as if his memories had all but overwhelmed me, but now... I knew some part of him still lived on in me. Even ignoring the changes to my behavior his memories had wrought, my newfound phobia of rats spoke to his influence... but then there was his fear of heights that had fallen by the wayside.
Perhaps his memories were something akin to icing placed upon a cracked cake. Something that seeped deep into certain areas, filling up that which was missing - like empathy and compassion - but elsewhere laid only shallowly upon the surface. I had plenty of experience with flying in this life, so the icing there had flaked off when put to the test. I had none with rats, so it sank deep there...
...Was it just me, or was that a rather terrible analogy...?
"Eena?" Lucy asked from her place beside me. "Are you okay? Did you hear me?"
"Apologies, Lucy," I replied, shaking my head to free myself from unnecessary concerns. "I was lost in thought. What were you saying?"
"I wanted to know what your favorite dessert is!" Lucy repeated. "But if something's bothering you, I'd rather ask about that!"
"...Cake," I confessed, a small smile touching upon the corner of my lips. "Yours?"
"Pie!" Lucy replied without an ounce of hesitation. "Especially apple! But I like most types - except for lemon. Also, you don't have to talk about what's bothering you if you don't want to, but I hope you know I'm here to listen if you do!"
"Or you can just keep brooding," Feyra added, inserting herself into the conversation from her place at the rear of our formation. "You know, if you don't mind seeing the Heroine pout."
"I wasn't pouting!" Lucy protested. "I was just worried. I still am, actually, but if Eena doesn't want to talk about it then I'll move on!"
"It's nothing, really," I assured her, eyeing Bailey curiously. I'd half expected her to growl at Feyra's rudeness, but she was padding along without a care in the world, leading the way forward. I suppose she didn't want to anger me by frightening any of my compatriots. As things were, Feyra had given plenty of objections to her presence on the road, and not entirely without reason. Bailey would have to hide herself in the woods if we heard anyone else coming. "I was mostly just lost in introspection..."
"Mostly?" Lucy pressed, curious.
"Introspection and... dread," I confessed. "I'm meeting with someone later. A childhood friend - one who's time with me ended badly."
"Child Eena... I bet you were adorable as a kid!"
The smile I gave Lucy was a little strained, not helped in the slightest by the fact that I could hear Feyra suddenly starting a coughing fit. "I was a brat. And a lonely one at that. I sought to avoid my responsibilities, to spend time with my only friend, and when it got us both into trouble I tried to weasel my way out of it with brute force... It went about as badly as you'd think. Perhaps worse."
"How young were you?" Lucy asked, sending a concerned glance Feyra's way. Once she was sure the green haired girl wasn't going to fall off her horse, though, her earnest eyes quickly bore their way into mine.
"Six when we met," I informed her, "seven when we parted ways. But before you claim my age as an excuse for anything, you should know that my actions all but ruined her life..."
"I won't try to excuse it," Lucy said to my surprise. "I mean, I don't really know anything about it, so I can't comment on it, but it was a really long time ago, wasn't it?"
"A long time ago indeed," I agreed, frowning. "And yet I never once sought to make amends. Our friendship was shattered, and all I could do was wallow in self pity..."
"But you're meeting her soon, right?" Lucy asked. "Maybe you could do something to make up for it now!"
"I'm not sure there's anything I can do to make things right..." I admitted. "But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try. Even if she never forgives me, I at least owe her that much..."
"You shouldn't assume she won't forgive you!" Lucy protested. "Especially not if she agreed to meet with you."
"She
requested
to meet with me, actually," I confessed. "In truth, if her claims are to be believed, she's already forgiven me. She even wants to
help me.
But... I struggle to understand why. As I said, I've done nothing to deserve it. Some part of me even fears it's a trick of some sort, meant to hurt me or those I care about."
"You also shouldn't just assume the worst!" Lucy chided me. "Or at least that's what I want to say, but I know that logic doesn't always help with fear! And just speaking with good intentions won't sway your heart... but I promise, whatever happens, I'll be here for you! If you want to talk about it, I'll listen! And if you just want to cry, I'll give you my shoulder! But if it goes well, I'll be here for that, too. To hug you and celebrate with you!"
"You're sweet," I murmured, a soft smile on my lips. "Much more so than I deserve..."
"I don't think 'deserving' has anything to do with it! I'm sweet because I like you. And because it's in my nature, I guess? Anyways,the point is, it isn't based on a metric anyone else gets to decide! Not even you. And forgiveness works the same way!"
